serafaery: (tetra vaal)
In an ungodly amount of hip pain. Walking with a limp. Makes me kind of want to die.

I knew I shouldn't be jumping back into all of this activity (namely: skating) without guidance and help. But I was so enjoying skating, and just didn't have the money to pay for more PT. I'm still paying off the $300 I still owe (it was over $700 for the 9 visits I had).

My doctor hasn't responded to the referral request I put in on the 12th. I re-sent it again yesterday. I think I need to find a new doctor. This guy is too flaky. I had to wait two weeks last time, and there's no reason for it. All he has to do is fax it in and email me.

I thought I could go back to my old physical therapist in the meantime for some temporary help or possible relief, but it turns out referrals expire if you haven't seen someone in 60 days for the same condition. This is unfair and frustrating in a hundred ways. It's like the insurance companies are trying to make me suffer. They are actively trying to let my hip build up scar tissue until I'm crippled and have to go on disability because I can't walk anymore. That'll show you, for not continuing with therapy that you can't afford and wasn't correct for what you were trying to accomplish.

My HR rep lady suggested this little clinic up the road from our office, who are friendly and take our insurance. I might check it out, ask them if I can get a new General Practitioner that might actually respond to my requests and help me when I need it. It's a $20 copay to see a doctor just to meet and say hello and get a referral, but I need. help.
serafaery: (Default)
In an ungodly amount of hip pain. Walking with a limp. Makes me kind of want to die.

I knew I shouldn't be jumping back into all of this activity (namely: skating) without guidance and help. But I was so enjoying skating, and just didn't have the money to pay for more PT. I'm still paying off the $300 I still owe (it was over $700 for the 9 visits I had).

My doctor hasn't responded to the referral request I put in on the 12th. I re-sent it again yesterday. I think I need to find a new doctor. This guy is too flaky. I had to wait two weeks last time, and there's no reason for it. All he has to do is fax it in and email me.

I thought I could go back to my old physical therapist in the meantime for some temporary help or possible relief, but it turns out referrals expire if you haven't seen someone in 60 days for the same condition. This is unfair and frustrating in a hundred ways. It's like the insurance companies are trying to make me suffer. They are actively trying to let my hip build up scar tissue until I'm crippled and have to go on disability because I can't walk anymore. That'll show you, for not continuing with therapy that you can't afford and wasn't correct for what you were trying to accomplish.

My HR rep lady suggested this little clinic up the road from our office, who are friendly and take our insurance. I might check it out, ask them if I can get a new General Practitioner that might actually respond to my requests and help me when I need it. It's a $20 copay to see a doctor just to meet and say hello and get a referral, but I need. help.
serafaery: (tetra vaal)
Didn't sleep much. Hours of sobbing.

My left hip, the one that has not been operated on, is giving me increasing pain at night. With both of them angry at me last night sleep was hard to come by.

Part of this is from scrubbing the tub yesterday, I'm sure. I can't even do simple household chores anymore.

My left hip is deformed, but not as badly as the right was. It's in a "grey zone" of deformity, where some people are crippled and unable to walk by age 19, and some go their entire lives without any problems.

It was thought that after it came through my surgery on the right hip with no symptoms, after so many months of bearing all my weight while my right hip healed, that the left would probably be okay.

It might still be okay. Seven years of compensating for chronic pain and weakness on the right have been hard on it, I'm sure. 12 years if you count from the time the right hip started hurting. If I could get proper physical therapy, I might be able to maintain the left joint and not need to have it corrected.

Getting proper physical therapy has proved to be impossible, though, over the last seven years.

Getting it corrected isn't even an option. It wouldn't be covered by insurance, and the only doctors that do the procedure are out of state. I can't afford to travel. I don't know how much my procedure cost in Boston, but the hospital mistakenly sent me the bills for anesthesia for a few months. The anesthesia alone, for a 7 1/2 hour procedure, cost $17,000.

(The Commonwealth of Massachussetts has a "free care" system for large procedures that are not covered by insurance. Hence that state's lack of concern over health care reform in the US.)

I have always been in too much pain, and too ill from lack of exercise because activity causes pain, to get any job other than the one I'm so fortunate to have right now. One where I can take breaks before the migraine hits, rest and take deep breaths, turn down projects if the effort is too much and will make me sick, and never bring anything home. But it covers nothing beyond rent, bills, and school loan payments.

I'm not sure what to do.

I sort of want to lay down and die.

I feel completely alone. I don't have parents to turn to for help. My siblings can't help either. My friends are kind, and good company, but they can't save me, and I would never expect or hope that they could. It's their job to hold my hand and remember me when I'm dead, but not to save me.

I have Willow to fight for and that's enough for now. But what about when I lose her?

One step at a time, I suppose.

It just all feels like far, far too much to try to deal with alone. I have absolutely no resources. If I had a little cash, or someone to lean on, to hold, I could handle it.

I'm going to end up one of those decrepit wheelchair people out in front of the McDonald house that I walk past every day. Hanging out on the corner with crack dealers, alone, no one to dress or feed them or take them out or give them hugs. If I'm lucky. They're the lucky ones, who waited years on a housing list and somehow got in before they died. Some of them seem vaguely content. I couldn't do it without a pet, though.

...

Headache.
serafaery: (Default)
Didn't sleep much. Hours of sobbing.

My left hip, the one that has not been operated on, is giving me increasing pain at night. With both of them angry at me last night sleep was hard to come by.

Part of this is from scrubbing the tub yesterday, I'm sure. I can't even do simple household chores anymore.

My left hip is deformed, but not as badly as the right was. It's in a "grey zone" of deformity, where some people are crippled and unable to walk by age 19, and some go their entire lives without any problems.

It was thought that after it came through my surgery on the right hip with no symptoms, after so many months of bearing all my weight while my right hip healed, that the left would probably be okay.

It might still be okay. Seven years of compensating for chronic pain and weakness on the right have been hard on it, I'm sure. 12 years if you count from the time the right hip started hurting. If I could get proper physical therapy, I might be able to maintain the left joint and not need to have it corrected.

Getting proper physical therapy has proved to be impossible, though, over the last seven years.

Getting it corrected isn't even an option. It wouldn't be covered by insurance, and the only doctors that do the procedure are out of state. I can't afford to travel. I don't know how much my procedure cost in Boston, but the hospital mistakenly sent me the bills for anesthesia for a few months. The anesthesia alone, for a 7 1/2 hour procedure, cost $17,000.

(The Commonwealth of Massachussetts has a "free care" system for large procedures that are not covered by insurance. Hence that state's lack of concern over health care reform in the US.)

I have always been in too much pain, and too ill from lack of exercise because activity causes pain, to get any job other than the one I'm so fortunate to have right now. One where I can take breaks before the migraine hits, rest and take deep breaths, turn down projects if the effort is too much and will make me sick, and never bring anything home. But it covers nothing beyond rent, bills, and school loan payments.

I'm not sure what to do.

I sort of want to lay down and die.

I feel completely alone. I don't have parents to turn to for help. My siblings can't help either. My friends are kind, and good company, but they can't save me, and I would never expect or hope that they could. It's their job to hold my hand and remember me when I'm dead, but not to save me.

I have Willow to fight for and that's enough for now. But what about when I lose her?

One step at a time, I suppose.

It just all feels like far, far too much to try to deal with alone. I have absolutely no resources. If I had a little cash, or someone to lean on, to hold, I could handle it.

I'm going to end up one of those decrepit wheelchair people out in front of the McDonald house that I walk past every day. Hanging out on the corner with crack dealers, alone, no one to dress or feed them or take them out or give them hugs. If I'm lucky. They're the lucky ones, who waited years on a housing list and somehow got in before they died. Some of them seem vaguely content. I couldn't do it without a pet, though.

...

Headache.

Caturday.

Dec. 6th, 2009 01:27 am
serafaery: (adrift)
Today I did basically nothing. I needed to rest. Recover from days of not taking perfect care of myself. I'm so fragile. One or two slips - not enough sleep, not the right amount or type of food - and I'm bedridden with migraines or otherwise ill.

I can't quite tell if today was wonderful or horrible.

Everything feels empty and meaningless.

Cuddles with kitty now. Her needs are more important than my own.

Caturday.

Dec. 6th, 2009 01:27 am
serafaery: (Default)
Today I did basically nothing. I needed to rest. Recover from days of not taking perfect care of myself. I'm so fragile. One or two slips - not enough sleep, not the right amount or type of food - and I'm bedridden with migraines or otherwise ill.

I can't quite tell if today was wonderful or horrible.

Everything feels empty and meaningless.

Cuddles with kitty now. Her needs are more important than my own.
serafaery: (adrift)
Edit: Okay, I am much less angry and actually quite relieved to see that they were not just cleaning balconies, but also power-washing the entire side of the building, which of course necessitates the use of the cherry-picker thing. It seems a little excessive but I'm all for keeping buildings in tact by taking care of them instead of just knocking down and rebuilding after they've been neglected. So, yay! It's not nearly as bad as I thought. Good lesson to learn.

Not that it'll ever happen, but if I somehow fall into a ton of money, please never let me move into a fancy condo building.

"The Henry", across the street from my werk, is having balcony cleaning done. This has been going on all week. It involves running the biggest cherry picker I've ever seen - a deafening engine, burning who knows how many gallons of fossil fuel an hour. All. Day. Long. All week. They've closed off one lane of the street, too.

The cherry picker lifts the cleaners ~4-10 stories up so they can hop off and wash the glass balcony railings. Because the prissy rich princesses who live there can't bear to allow cleaners to just walk through their apartments (they have special little booties so their shoes wouldn't touch your thousand dollar persian fucking carpet or whatever the fuck) to clean their fancy fucking balconies. (That I've never seen any of them use, by the way.)

Blatant wastefulness like this repulses me. The waste of resources should be illegal.

Venting is fun! I'm out of energy or I would also inquire as to why I've had to pay over $700 out of pocket for medically necessary procedures while paying a hefty monthly premium for "health insurance" that is supposed to protect me from bankrupting expenses. I'm curious. If they can't cover a standard cancer screening procedure, what would they be willing to pay if something really bad actually happened? My false sense of security over paying insurance in case I get hit by a car or something is steadily eroding with every new bill I recieve.
serafaery: (Default)
Edit: Okay, I am much less angry and actually quite relieved to see that they were not just cleaning balconies, but also power-washing the entire side of the building, which of course necessitates the use of the cherry-picker thing. It seems a little excessive but I'm all for keeping buildings in tact by taking care of them instead of just knocking down and rebuilding after they've been neglected. So, yay! It's not nearly as bad as I thought. Good lesson to learn.

Not that it'll ever happen, but if I somehow fall into a ton of money, please never let me move into a fancy condo building.

"The Henry", across the street from my werk, is having balcony cleaning done. This has been going on all week. It involves running the biggest cherry picker I've ever seen - a deafening engine, burning who knows how many gallons of fossil fuel an hour. All. Day. Long. All week. They've closed off one lane of the street, too.

The cherry picker lifts the cleaners ~4-10 stories up so they can hop off and wash the glass balcony railings. Because the prissy rich princesses who live there can't bear to allow cleaners to just walk through their apartments (they have special little booties so their shoes wouldn't touch your thousand dollar persian fucking carpet or whatever the fuck) to clean their fancy fucking balconies. (That I've never seen any of them use, by the way.)

Blatant wastefulness like this repulses me. The waste of resources should be illegal.

Venting is fun! I'm out of energy or I would also inquire as to why I've had to pay over $700 out of pocket for medically necessary procedures while paying a hefty monthly premium for "health insurance" that is supposed to protect me from bankrupting expenses. I'm curious. If they can't cover a standard cancer screening procedure, what would they be willing to pay if something really bad actually happened? My false sense of security over paying insurance in case I get hit by a car or something is steadily eroding with every new bill I recieve.
serafaery: (faefest dark)
I feel like I've been dealing with my depression a lot better in the past couple of weeks. I keep my eyes down, I forge ahead, I remind myself of the little beautiful things in the world to which I have access. I think of my few close, warm-hearted friends, I pet my cat, I try to eat something healthy. I treat myself to a soy latte and a cookie. I do okay.

It's still true, though, that I can't remember the last time I actually wanted to get out of bed. I do it because I must.

This includes weekends where I sleep in until 11:30am, or 2pm, or sleep all day long.

I am forced to congratulate myself for the tiniest things, like drinking a glass of water, or eating a piece of fruit, or managing to brush my teeth and wash my face before bed.

Depression is such a strangely invisible disease. I am endlessly jealous of, and completely disconnected from, people who move through life effortlessly most of the time. With something invisible propelling them that I do not feel. That I get only glimpses of; fleeting moments of ease, when breathing doesn't hurt, when the air feels soft and clear and nothing like honey or molasses.

Not interested in taking pills. Not anymore. I think there is an inherent acquiescence to suffering in a depressed person that allows me to avoid medication.

And those little moments when life doesn't hurt are so much more blissful than if I had that all the time. It's like heaven; little pieces of earthly heaven. I wait for them and long for them and cherish them and revel in them and feel so accomplished and grateful on the other side of them.

That feeling of waking up rested, energized. Not full of dread, but full of excitement and ideas for how to make the day more fun, how to make progress on projects, how to enjoy spending time with friends or a lover in new ways. That bouncy, dancy, life-is-okay feeling. Not overwhelmed and buried with pain and drudgery and burdens upon burdens, emotional, metaphorical, in the form of a filthy house or overridden rooms full of useless crap that is difficult to donate or throw away.

And then it's back to months of nothing but dragging myself begrudgingly through the hours between merciful sleep. Sleep is my only comfort, my only solace. It's all I want. Lately, it is less than comfortable there. I hope this means I get a fleeting bit of desire for life, soon.
serafaery: (Default)
I feel like I've been dealing with my depression a lot better in the past couple of weeks. I keep my eyes down, I forge ahead, I remind myself of the little beautiful things in the world to which I have access. I think of my few close, warm-hearted friends, I pet my cat, I try to eat something healthy. I treat myself to a soy latte and a cookie. I do okay.

It's still true, though, that I can't remember the last time I actually wanted to get out of bed. I do it because I must.

This includes weekends where I sleep in until 11:30am, or 2pm, or sleep all day long.

I am forced to congratulate myself for the tiniest things, like drinking a glass of water, or eating a piece of fruit, or managing to brush my teeth and wash my face before bed.

Depression is such a strangely invisible disease. I am endlessly jealous of, and completely disconnected from, people who move through life effortlessly most of the time. With something invisible propelling them that I do not feel. That I get only glimpses of; fleeting moments of ease, when breathing doesn't hurt, when the air feels soft and clear and nothing like honey or molasses.

Not interested in taking pills. Not anymore. I think there is an inherent acquiescence to suffering in a depressed person that allows me to avoid medication.

And those little moments when life doesn't hurt are so much more blissful than if I had that all the time. It's like heaven; little pieces of earthly heaven. I wait for them and long for them and cherish them and revel in them and feel so accomplished and grateful on the other side of them.

That feeling of waking up rested, energized. Not full of dread, but full of excitement and ideas for how to make the day more fun, how to make progress on projects, how to enjoy spending time with friends or a lover in new ways. That bouncy, dancy, life-is-okay feeling. Not overwhelmed and buried with pain and drudgery and burdens upon burdens, emotional, metaphorical, in the form of a filthy house or overridden rooms full of useless crap that is difficult to donate or throw away.

And then it's back to months of nothing but dragging myself begrudgingly through the hours between merciful sleep. Sleep is my only comfort, my only solace. It's all I want. Lately, it is less than comfortable there. I hope this means I get a fleeting bit of desire for life, soon.
serafaery: (serafaery)
Beautiful 20 minute video of Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love) speaking at TED on the concept of creative "genius".

Bonus points for the phrase "fairies who follow people around rubbing fairy juice on their projects".
serafaery: (Default)
Beautiful 20 minute video of Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love) speaking at TED on the concept of creative "genius".

Bonus points for the phrase "fairies who follow people around rubbing fairy juice on their projects".
serafaery: (Default)
Saturday morning walk to Ristretto in the snow to study.



In the backyard by the large apple tree.

Warning: several irritatingly self-flattering vain self-portraits included. +17 full (reasonable) size )



serafaery: (Default)
Saturday morning walk to Ristretto in the snow to study.



In the backyard by the large apple tree.

Warning: several irritatingly self-flattering vain self-portraits included. +17 full (reasonable) size )



Food note.

Jan. 25th, 2009 12:22 pm
serafaery: (botnfae)
Eating to save the planet. It's pretty much what I do. It works well for me.

small explanation. )

Food note.

Jan. 25th, 2009 12:22 pm
serafaery: (Default)
Eating to save the planet. It's pretty much what I do. It works well for me.

small explanation. )
serafaery: (blu)
I am absolutely in love with snow. We had an unexpected little dusting yesterday that left a thin, gorgeous little blanket of white for me this morning. I am up, going to change clothes, find my camera, and take a walk to get coffee before it starts to melt.


serafaery: (Default)
I am absolutely in love with snow. We had an unexpected little dusting yesterday that left a thin, gorgeous little blanket of white for me this morning. I am up, going to change clothes, find my camera, and take a walk to get coffee before it starts to melt.


Profile

serafaery: (Default)
serafaery

September 2017

S M T W T F S
     12
3456 789
10111213 141516
17181920212223
24252627282930

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 22nd, 2017 06:42 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios