![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
haven't been able to write much about Lunar, it's just been so hard. sitting here crying into my coffee because it's time for our morning walkies and he's not here.
i spent so so many hours walking with him the last two weeks, just trying to give him his best possible last few days.
it was so hard watching him slowly get sicker and sicker and not be able to do anything to fix it. I could give him painkillers to help it hurt less but it still kept getting worse. He would stop and rub his face during our walks, more and more frequently as the days went on.
but he also kept sniffing things and purring and exploring and enjoying everything. his little sniffs into the breeze, even yesterday, seemed so peaceful and pleasant. like he was just thanking the air for existing. i know that feel.
it's just really hard. sick, hurting, dying animals are really hard.
lunar was varying degrees of sick the entire time i had him. i hope i did okay by him. i worked really, really hard to make him as happy and comfortable as i could, and to make him feel loved and cared for. i felt resentful sometimes but i tried really hard not to show it or ever take it out on him, it was never his fault. i just got really tired, sometimes. i wish i could have given him more time and more love, more reward for being such a good cat, he tried so hard all the time to be so good.
i've never had a cat for such a short period of time. with Darwin i was prepared for it, and still i had him for a year longer than i had lunar.
it's going to be tough for a while because i keep thinking i see or hear him.
i'm just exhausted by the entire experience. and he's not here to help me through the loss. normally when i'm sobbing i have a cat in my lap, trying to comfort me. i know he would if he could.
i'm working today but it should be fairly easy. i have someone at noon, someone at one, and someone at three.
taking next week off entirely. the overlook house is booked thursday and friday anyway, those are usually my main work days, and it's my equinox anniversary and i need to get away.
finley is gone but that's okay. i got to see timo some last night. i did rally and go dance. it was actually really nice. people there are so kind. ryan said my skirt was "fantastic," that's two weeks in a row he's complimented my appearance. this person who never speaks. amanda gave me a huge hug, violet danced with me lots, marvin let me hang out with him, william had the cutest shirt on, it was a chat noir design but it was toothless instead of a cat and said something about a dragon. Marvin's shirt had a zombie/skeleton Jeffrey giraffe and said "toys were us" which made me really happy too. everyone was so kind. these two younger girls who were making out on the dance floor squealed about my outfit and how spectacular it was to watch me walk down the stairs and how beautiful i was and it was just so sweet, coming from little young things. i guess there is some advantage to clubbing for so long that you get your club fashion really really dialed in. i do usually have the best boots, ha.
the last night that i had lunar, wednesday night, he was drooling so so much. he would come to me for help because i had started just toweling him off whenever he had a long hanging string of drool. it had a really weird texture, extra thick but not milky like when someone has a cold, like really bad but clear runny nose except coming from his mouth, poor love. i would wipe it off his face and chest and paws. poor baby. it smelled bad and was sometimes tinged with blood. he woke me asking for help with this several times over the night. I would wake up, grab the towel, sit up, dab at him as gently as i could, and then we would nestle back down and he would curl into my arm, and so so gently and slowly, lay his face (the side without the cancer) into the palm of my hand. and just sigh softly. at the beginning of the night i was trying to watch a video and he kept tapping my chest with his paw, and i eventually just set the laptop on the floor and focused on him. it felt like he was communicating a combination of needing comfort and offering comfort that was just so so sweet. he had such a big heart. he hadn't been sleeping with me much the past two weeks, but the last couple of days he came to bed and wednesday night he was all snuggles and comfort-seeking. it felt like he was saying goodbye.
in the morning when chunks started coming out of his mouth and he was bleeding, i just had to call it. I couldn't leave him bleeding like that. he was ready to tough it out, he was still purring and bunting and eating and powering through, but i didn't want to make him go through that anymore, to watch it just keep getting worse. i couldn't go through another night of nightmares, wondering if i was going to wake up to a dead cat or a cat in severe crisis. i needed to protect him from that. i feel like maybe i said goodbye too soon, and i feel horrible about it, and i miss him so much, it hurts so much. but it's better than letting it go too late. it was starting to get gross and i don't want to be that person who holds onto a cat that is dying and letting it suffer because i can't handle the loss. it's the most difficult thing to have this decision put into our hands, to be trusted to be an escort like this.
there was this crow when we were walking in the morning yesterday, who had all kinds of things to say. such a sweet musical playful gentle sound, all kinds of clicks and chirps and different vocalizations. the crows have been so gentle and sweet around lunar the last month or so, they can sense when an animal is dying, i know they can. i still remember the last morning i was walking p-funk, that crow that came and landed on the phone line above him, bent down toward him, and made a long gentle purring/cooing sound. this crow had usually scolded or stayed away from him before. there is a reason that there are myths about crows being escorts to the other side. they have an awareness that is very clear and magical. that crow yesterday morning gave my heart a lot of peace in my decision, i felt like he was seeing what i was seeing, and helping me understand that it was a good time to let go.
i still would rather be outside walking my cat through the courtyard right now. i'll miss the slowness and the squirrels and birds and noticing the way the leaves and flowers change day by day. i know i could walk without him, but right now it's just too sad.
my head hurts from crying. i did not drink too much last night, one beer and half a shot, and i actually ate an entire vegan grilled cheese sandwich with chips at the club, after being too nauseated to eat dinner earlier last night.
i really miss my cat. he deserved better than that painful last month or so. i hope he was happy here with me.
people are already trying to give me kittens. i think it's really rude to not even wait a day to start doing that. i know i said never again but there is part of me that feels like i don't deserve to exist if i'm not caring for an animal. so i think i will put the cat trees and carrier and brush and things into storage, and just take a year or two to think about it, like i did after darwin. this time, i will not take a sick cat out of guilt. i will wait until i am actually ready, if i decide to get another pet one day.
just going to keep crying all day. that's okay.
i spent so so many hours walking with him the last two weeks, just trying to give him his best possible last few days.
it was so hard watching him slowly get sicker and sicker and not be able to do anything to fix it. I could give him painkillers to help it hurt less but it still kept getting worse. He would stop and rub his face during our walks, more and more frequently as the days went on.
but he also kept sniffing things and purring and exploring and enjoying everything. his little sniffs into the breeze, even yesterday, seemed so peaceful and pleasant. like he was just thanking the air for existing. i know that feel.
it's just really hard. sick, hurting, dying animals are really hard.
lunar was varying degrees of sick the entire time i had him. i hope i did okay by him. i worked really, really hard to make him as happy and comfortable as i could, and to make him feel loved and cared for. i felt resentful sometimes but i tried really hard not to show it or ever take it out on him, it was never his fault. i just got really tired, sometimes. i wish i could have given him more time and more love, more reward for being such a good cat, he tried so hard all the time to be so good.
i've never had a cat for such a short period of time. with Darwin i was prepared for it, and still i had him for a year longer than i had lunar.
it's going to be tough for a while because i keep thinking i see or hear him.
i'm just exhausted by the entire experience. and he's not here to help me through the loss. normally when i'm sobbing i have a cat in my lap, trying to comfort me. i know he would if he could.
i'm working today but it should be fairly easy. i have someone at noon, someone at one, and someone at three.
taking next week off entirely. the overlook house is booked thursday and friday anyway, those are usually my main work days, and it's my equinox anniversary and i need to get away.
finley is gone but that's okay. i got to see timo some last night. i did rally and go dance. it was actually really nice. people there are so kind. ryan said my skirt was "fantastic," that's two weeks in a row he's complimented my appearance. this person who never speaks. amanda gave me a huge hug, violet danced with me lots, marvin let me hang out with him, william had the cutest shirt on, it was a chat noir design but it was toothless instead of a cat and said something about a dragon. Marvin's shirt had a zombie/skeleton Jeffrey giraffe and said "toys were us" which made me really happy too. everyone was so kind. these two younger girls who were making out on the dance floor squealed about my outfit and how spectacular it was to watch me walk down the stairs and how beautiful i was and it was just so sweet, coming from little young things. i guess there is some advantage to clubbing for so long that you get your club fashion really really dialed in. i do usually have the best boots, ha.
the last night that i had lunar, wednesday night, he was drooling so so much. he would come to me for help because i had started just toweling him off whenever he had a long hanging string of drool. it had a really weird texture, extra thick but not milky like when someone has a cold, like really bad but clear runny nose except coming from his mouth, poor love. i would wipe it off his face and chest and paws. poor baby. it smelled bad and was sometimes tinged with blood. he woke me asking for help with this several times over the night. I would wake up, grab the towel, sit up, dab at him as gently as i could, and then we would nestle back down and he would curl into my arm, and so so gently and slowly, lay his face (the side without the cancer) into the palm of my hand. and just sigh softly. at the beginning of the night i was trying to watch a video and he kept tapping my chest with his paw, and i eventually just set the laptop on the floor and focused on him. it felt like he was communicating a combination of needing comfort and offering comfort that was just so so sweet. he had such a big heart. he hadn't been sleeping with me much the past two weeks, but the last couple of days he came to bed and wednesday night he was all snuggles and comfort-seeking. it felt like he was saying goodbye.
in the morning when chunks started coming out of his mouth and he was bleeding, i just had to call it. I couldn't leave him bleeding like that. he was ready to tough it out, he was still purring and bunting and eating and powering through, but i didn't want to make him go through that anymore, to watch it just keep getting worse. i couldn't go through another night of nightmares, wondering if i was going to wake up to a dead cat or a cat in severe crisis. i needed to protect him from that. i feel like maybe i said goodbye too soon, and i feel horrible about it, and i miss him so much, it hurts so much. but it's better than letting it go too late. it was starting to get gross and i don't want to be that person who holds onto a cat that is dying and letting it suffer because i can't handle the loss. it's the most difficult thing to have this decision put into our hands, to be trusted to be an escort like this.
there was this crow when we were walking in the morning yesterday, who had all kinds of things to say. such a sweet musical playful gentle sound, all kinds of clicks and chirps and different vocalizations. the crows have been so gentle and sweet around lunar the last month or so, they can sense when an animal is dying, i know they can. i still remember the last morning i was walking p-funk, that crow that came and landed on the phone line above him, bent down toward him, and made a long gentle purring/cooing sound. this crow had usually scolded or stayed away from him before. there is a reason that there are myths about crows being escorts to the other side. they have an awareness that is very clear and magical. that crow yesterday morning gave my heart a lot of peace in my decision, i felt like he was seeing what i was seeing, and helping me understand that it was a good time to let go.
i still would rather be outside walking my cat through the courtyard right now. i'll miss the slowness and the squirrels and birds and noticing the way the leaves and flowers change day by day. i know i could walk without him, but right now it's just too sad.
my head hurts from crying. i did not drink too much last night, one beer and half a shot, and i actually ate an entire vegan grilled cheese sandwich with chips at the club, after being too nauseated to eat dinner earlier last night.
i really miss my cat. he deserved better than that painful last month or so. i hope he was happy here with me.
people are already trying to give me kittens. i think it's really rude to not even wait a day to start doing that. i know i said never again but there is part of me that feels like i don't deserve to exist if i'm not caring for an animal. so i think i will put the cat trees and carrier and brush and things into storage, and just take a year or two to think about it, like i did after darwin. this time, i will not take a sick cat out of guilt. i will wait until i am actually ready, if i decide to get another pet one day.
just going to keep crying all day. that's okay.
