the storm has come, or is it just another shower?

still recovering from losing Lunar, it's going to take some time. I keep thinking I see him, or feel him jump on the bed or hear him nestling into the closet. I miss him so much.

I didn't realize how difficult it's been taking care of him while he's been varying degrees of sick. I was so stressed that all I could think about was how nice it would be to not have a cat, but the problem wasn't having a cat, it was trying to care for a sick cat. I miss alllllll of the cat things, the purrs and the nuzzles and the cuteness, the paws and the warmth and the companionship, the silly cuteness, the way he talked and interacted with us, his intelligence and sweetness. his thoughtfulness and gentleness. I forgot about all that stuff in the storm of gloom over managing his pain and trying to bolster his health as much as I could. I'm still a bit traumatized by all of that, the way my life is entirely built around his comfort and trying to make him feel better. All of my furniture and things and the way my room is organized and my behaviors in my space are oriented toward his comfort, not my own. It's going to take a lot of time to unravel all of those habits and rebuild a space that is for a human instead of an animal, and part of me doesn't want to, I just want to get another cat instead.

But I'm not in any kind of position to make that decision right now. I've already been offered kittens by multiple people and it's kind of insane. I know that there are always cats who need homes but I need to step back. I wondered the entire time I had Lunar if I was the right person for him. It's only now that I really understand that I was the *only* person for him. Nobody else would take him on, they all refused. It was an honor to share my life with him and I will never stop missing him and wishing I had longer to enjoy his uniqueness, he was unlike any other cat I've ever known.

I'm so tired.

i carb binged yesterday and it was super fun. I ate a bit of candy today but also lots of healthy stuff, regrouping a little bit. I had a customer tell me the last time she saw me I was "so skinny" and that I look better now and she thinks I'm beautiful, which is nice to hear. I guess it's good that i look healthier? I still want to be skinnier but I'm not going to worry about it right at this moment, not in the middle of grieving.

I rock climbed with Josh today. I'm kind of regretting it because it means I have no energy left for tango, but oh well. It's our anniversary weekend and I should try to prioritize him a little bit, even though I'm really sad right now. I'll try to regroup for tango again, I don't want to give up on it, it's such a magical dance when I can make myself try.

I need to go to sun valley in the first couple weeks of October. i need to get back on the ice. my legs feel like they are disintegrating when i can't skate.

I really can't afford to take a week off work but I'm doing it anyway. I can focus on the online work and wings, try to make some income on that side, at least.

I hate that I will have to go through Halloween without a cat this year. It's hard to remember what is even the point of my life without a cat.

ugh I still want ice cream. I might just have to go by myself I dunno. I will try not to.

This will pass, things will feel better one day. it's just really triggering because i've already lost too much. losing mom was so devastating. losing dad, and madoc, and my grandparents, and so many pets, it all comes pouring back and it just gets to be so much, it starts to feel so empty and meaningless, like we are all just specks of momentarily animated dust. i love love love the beauty of it all, the weird tingly bliss i get from the shocking beauty of a fallen leaf, but for what? just for it to all disappear into nothingness. there isn't enough room in my heart to hold all of this pain.