grateful and not taking things for granted

trying to get motivated to ride my bike up a big hill. it's hotter than expected out and i'm nervous, but i want the sun exposure and movement, it's necessary.

i slept terribly for no reason and i'm in a lot of pain as a result.

randomly bleached out the bathroom and kitchen this morning. i think this was a result of Josh sharing some of his bonus money with me. it makes me want to take better care of our space and better care of him.

it is also very DEmotivating as far as my own work goes, oof.

like, if he can just hand me the amount of income i make in a month, almost, then, what am i even doing? lol.

but no, work is important and necessary and i need to keep pushing.

pushing my body will help with that.

i got caught up on orders and inventory finally, but still need to do product photos for the website, maybe i can do that after my bike ride.

loose plan:

* get dressed
* bike up to rocky butte
* stop at bison for coffee and a snack
* go to a grocery store (not sure which one) for some protein, berries, greens for Josh and I for the rest of the week (I have a $10 coupon at New Seasons but I also want more brewer's yeast and might need to go to Natural Grocers for that, we'll see)
* hang out on mom's bench and listen to my book for a bit
* home to do work

I had a wave of grief hit me really hard yesterday and it kinda took me out. I didn't go climb with Josh, I didn't clean my room or do the floors, I didn't do anything, I just wept and ached.

I think it was watching Maria try to learn how to answer her new phone. I didn't realize she hadn't figured out the swipe mechanism. Android has a very sensitive swipe function, I think to protect from answering the phone accidentally, but for someone who is 80, it makes it very difficult to figure out. We practiced several times but as soon as a few minutes went by and I'd ask her to try again, she couldn't do it.

It reminded me sooooo much of my mom - my step-dad has a type, and she is sooooooo similar to my mom in so many ways. So it felt very much like helping my mom, except that Maria at least doesn't drink and doesn't have dementia. I am grateful for that. She just struggles with the same things anyone who is 80 would struggle with.

I put her screen protector and case on her phone and left her with a backup screen protector that she hopefully won't ever need or use, and tried to get her to put her name and number on her phone but she ignored me. I also forgot to put a pin on the screen which Josh had suggested would be important as even though they don't feel their personal info would be compromised, it's still not a good idea to give anyone access to one's email.

What I might do is just stick my own business card in her phone case, and set the pin next time I see them, which will hopefully be soon - I will need to find another excuse to make that happen.

I had weird nightmares about helping them with their devices last night.

She also said, on my way out, that her daughter, Anna, who I was so put-off by at Jim's birthday, told her afterward, "The only person who was nice to me was Sarah." Aawwwwwww, now I feel terrible for saying she was bitchy lol. She was just scared, and it was super awkward given the table was so huge that those of us on the side I was on couldn't interact with the kids or adults on the other side, so Anna didn't get to talk to Tom or Susan at all, or my niece and nephew, she was just stuck awkwardly with us.

Maria said that "when the time comes" it's going to be Jim (my step-dad's youngest) and Anna (Maria's daughter) that will be responsible, so yes, it seems important to establish a healthy connection with Anna so that we can help and communicate and support as much as we can through whatever happens.

sigh.

I stopped at my mom's favorite store on the way home, and bought some stickers and a gift bag for some future gift who knows what, but it had unicorns and was cute. stickers will be for my orders, it's a thing.

(my mom did it with her piano students - gave them stickers.)

All I want to do is sit and make tissue paper flowers. I have nothing to decorate them with, I just want to make them.

I should go ride and enjoy this sunny day and the rare opportunity at freedom to do what I want mid-week, while i still can.

Dopamine technique for exploring compulsive over-use

Dopamine fasting.

D - Data: collecting data points on usage - is this something that has to be done first thing in the morning or all day long or that keeps going late into the night?

O - Objectives: what does this behavior do for you? how does it help? validating that it is doing something positive - even irrational behavior is rooted in some personal logic - to have fun, fit in, relieve boredom, depression, the list goes on.

P - Problems: Downsides, unintended consequences? Health? Relationship? Work? Moral problems? Often hard to see the downsides. Most of us are unable to see the consequences while we're still using. They cloud our ability to assess cause and effect. As we age, consequences multiply. Stopping, even for a period of time, can allow one to see cause and effect more clearly.

A - Abstinence: necessary to reinstate homeostasis and see true cause and effect from what we're doing. 1 month is a good starting point. 2 weeks is not enough (according to brain scan research). 4 weeks often is sufficient. Reset the reward pathway. The longer the addiction the more time might be required. Withdrawals can be minor for some drugs like video games, or severe with higher potency drugs where medical monitoring is needed. (Replacing with another reward usually doesn't work.)

A minority of patients (20%) don't feel better after the dopamine fast. These issues might require its own treatment.

M - Mindfulness: Be prepared for feeling worse before you feel better. The first two weeks is not how it will feel forever. The longer you can tolerate it, the faster you'll get to the point where you'll feel better. Tolerate the pain. A chance to observe the discomfort as separate from thoughts. Be the observer, without judgement. Especially important in the early days of Abstinence. The trick it to stop running away from painful emotions and let ourselves tolerate them.

I - Insight: (Now that I stopped I see what it was doing to me.) Simply not possible while we continue to use.

N - Next steps: The vast majority want to go back to their drugs but "use less." The dominant wisdom has been that abstinence is the only path for an addict (such as the views in AA). But newer research shows that some people, especially those who had less severe addictions, can return to using in a controlled way.

E - Experiment: Going back into the world with a new dopamine setpoint and ways to maintain it. Through trial and error figure out what works and what doesn't. The goal of moderation can backfire. Even when moderation is achievable, it can be exhausting and choose abstinence altogether. But what about food and smartphones that can't be abstained from altogether?

Self-binding strategies.

(Will get to this later.)

(I cracked and ate two tortillas and a slice of bread with butter slathered all over it. And also sardines which I desperately needed actually since I haven't been able to make myself take any supplements for several weeks. And banana chips. Like 600 extra calories. Which is about what I burned on my bike ride today. It's a setback but not a terrible one. It's been a difficult day emotionally, this book is really painful to read.)