life is a crazy miraculous beautiful terrifying stunningly blissful hellscape.

Just got back from my orthopedist/PT appt, we x-rayed my back, in general things look okay but at the site of the pain, I have narrowing between the joint and a bone spur.

Sooooooo. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My poor husband. "You can get bone spurs in your BACK? How does THAT work?" lol.

I've already dealt with this in my feet, it's not that shocking given how much pain I've been in for how long, what I've gone through with my hips, etc.

I grok my orthopedist now. I thought he was being dismissive before, but I'm starting to see the problem is that he knows I will resist the fact that there is no actual treatment or "fix" to my issues, nothing I can do to reverse these age-related mechanical malfunctions. And that is no fun for anyone to have to treat or deal with the response to - nobody wants to tell someone they are just broken and there is nothing they can do to fix it. All we can do is mitigate the pain and try to avoid excessive further damage, but of course the damage will continue, for as long as I live.

This time, on our third visit, I tried to indicate that I am more accepting and understanding of what I am experiencing, and he kind of cautiously agreed (he is close to my age and also highly athletic), "It's like a slow pull into the grave and we are trying to desperately claw at the sides to try to stay out as long as possible."

Totally hit the nail on the head with that one. I appreciate his candor an honesty, so much.

This is what is feels like and it really is that awful and it's also the only option. This is what we have to do if we want to keep living. This is life. It's painful and humbling but hopefully worth the effort.

None of us are getting out of here alive.

grooves and eagles and sunshine and adulting.

It's been a crazy day. I've been in an oddly good mood, considering I got diagnosed with arthritis and bone spurring in my back this morning. My back has been giving me trouble for 2.5 years though, so I am glad to understand the cause better, and to know better what to avoid to keep it from getting too much worse too fast.

I think the sunset walk in the park with Josh last night helped. I usually try to walk an hour after work if I haven't done any other exercise that day. Sometimes it's only half an hour but I aim for an hour, especially with this nice weather and these long lingering days. It's really nice. Easier to do things that are good for my mood when it isn't cold and rainy and muddy out.

Went to silks after my ortho appt. Today is my Saturday. Although there is always work. Scheduling more appts, Thursday and Friday are all full. Shipping out more orders, I have two more for today, I should have finished those but I got distracted. I am uploading documents for a new thing and it's scary and very adult, wheeeeeeeeeee. I will finish the orders tonight and ship in the morning. Must write out check and pay quarterly taxes tomorrow also. I am scared to look at my to-do list, there is always so much to do.

Tomorrow morning I have another blood test, this one I have to be fasted for. Tyler and I will go mushroom hunt after on the mountain.

Josh and I walked to the coffee shop together in the balmy sunshine when I got home from silks, and took out trash and recycling, and he sounds more positive and supportive about the very adult potential process we are considering going through. He's working hard. I am so proud of him.

Josh wants tacos for dinner, gotta get cooking. But wanted to say, I don't usually like house music but this mix was *really* lovely to have on while doing all of that paperwork today.

Watch on YouTube

There has been such excitement on the eagle nest today! Mom and Dad brought five fish! The babies are eating well! They both appear to have food comas at the moment. Since they have fledged we go many hours with nothing happening on the nest, and only occasional sightings in nearby trees, so seeing all the fish and nomming today was pretty fun. Our juveniles will stay baby-ish for a few more weeks as they learn to scavenge and steal and begin to practice hunting.

Watch on YouTube

(The current screen cap of the live nest cam is from winter before Gizmo hatched, the chicks being fed are Misty and Sunny, Misty did not survive a really rough snowstorm in early March. That storm was so bad Jackie was frequently completely covered up to over her head while brooding, and it knocked out the sound and infrared light on the nest camera equipment - otherwise we would hear the eagle's chatter better - for now, sound is being used from a second camera set up on a different tree further away.)

chatter fighting strategies

reviewing notes on how to shift toxic mental chatter (including "2am chatter"):

address yourself by your name (shifts perspective, narrative usually will change)

temporal distancing (how will you feel about this tomorrow morning, a week from now, ten years from now?)

higher level strategies if this isn't working: go to a safe, natural space (like a park).
call to mind people who have good insight and you care for and respect who you feel supported by, and imagine how they would respond to this negative language stream.

Reasons to do this are numerous, but one is the concept that when ruminating/being consumed by chatter, it eats up our time and energy that could be used for real problem solving.

You can also go back in time instead of forward, and think of times when something like this resolved and how that resolution came about.