serafaery

a small happy thing

2026-04-22T23:47:26Z

I would like to add a happy note that I went hiking yesterday and wore a raincoat and waterproof shoes and felt exactly one single raindrop, the sun even tried to peek out, there were very few people on the trail, aside from one fellow snake-lover, I love chatting with fellow outdoor enthusiasts, they are so awkward and in love with the world.

The flowers were a bit beat up by the wind, the wind tunnel was a beautiful breeze that made the grass all wavy and mesmerizing and dreamy looking, the views were epic, the flowers were cute, purple lupin everywhere, I didn't want to leave.

My hip is screaming at me over it today but I have no regrets.

I am so lucky to live where I live. Thanks, mom.

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birbs

2026-04-16T01:39:13Z

Today was a bit better. Got a lot of work done, feeling a little bit reset.

Lots of things are still totally messed up but that's life.

The eagles are stressing me out so much. For whatever reason, the dominant baby viciously attacks its sibling, and there is a too-close-by nest of ravens that threatens the hatchlings every time the parents leave. In the past, they have left hatchlings alone for looooong stretches. They can't get away with that this year, without losing them to predation. It's going to be horrible to witness and I hope I miss it. Moreso of course I hope it doesn't happen. But already the smaller baby is often on the edge of the nest to try to get away from its super-aggressive sibling (they are both often showing bloody beak wounds), so that span of time when they are at risk of falling will also be horrible. I should just not look lol.

I guess last year was exceptionally gentle and lucky in a lot of ways, even though they lost one of their chicks in a snow storm. They started off with three and two ended up fledging, which was a higher than usual success rate for any eagle nest.

Poor birbs.

I love ravens, I understand the impulse, it's just, they're so much more adaptive and prolific and successful than eagles. sigh. It's strange to think of these massive raptors as the underdogs. But in this situation they are definitely at a disadvantage.

Should get back to my faerie book, it's almost done. A little heavy on the complicate drama plot for my taste but whatevs, I just want my heroes to make it.

I tried another meditation on my "healthy minds" app, this one was all about focusing on the fragility of life and the fleeting miracle of the present moment. Yeah I do that too much already. I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too well aware of how tenuous all of this is. The last thing I need is more dwelling on the fact that it could all be erased at any moment. sigh. I guess no app will be entirely perfect for any one person. Except for Finch :)

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today was dreary and that's okay.

2026-04-15T03:37:15Z

It brings me a lot of joy and comfort to come check on everyone I'm subscribed to, here. I don't comment but I'm absorbing and I'm grateful.

I used to do a lot of deep, long comments, back in the day. 20-25 years ago. But since the age of the bookface and twitter and such, I've felt really self-conscious and stifled about sharing thoughts or feelings about what I read. I should just drop a little hi i c u note or something, I guess? Anyway. So grateful that folks are writing and sharing, here.

I've been pretty rough and not able to post much publicly because what's going on inside is just too ugly :(

Tomorrow will be better, I was just in so much pain the last couple of days. I had a really nice nap today and a nice half a sweet potato with fresh rosemary and butter and am feeling much restored.

Working on a couple of chia pudding recipes, as I discovered a chia pudding treat at my coop and am spending far too much money gobbling them up.

Bought a soymilk "malk" with 3 ingredients today that reminds me of the fresh soymilk my chinese roommates at Tufts used to make from scratch. That should help with the pudding experiments.

I wish I knew how to make chocolate pudding.

Maybe it's a good thing I don't, actually, lol.

I sat outside with a fantasy book and Avalanche on my lap under the patio cover in the rain and read until my hands froze.

Going to get back to the book. My main character girl just turned into a pixie - she was a changling and only just found out and is shedding her glamour, poor thing, it's a messy process. She seems nonplussed about it, but, she's been friends with faeries her whole life and her human life is pretty bad. So I guess that makes sense. Also she's only 16 so I guess not all that attached to her human body yet, lol.

My finch app is trying to get me to reach out and connect with friends more. I think I am already too connected and need to pull back. It's okay. I'm good where I am, for the moment. It's okay to not be a better friend every single day. I'm just too tired and in pain right now to reach out much. I have so much love for people, but just, so little energy.

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Werk break

2026-04-10T20:54:59Z

My therapist is so sweet. He admitted he didn’t realize how bad it’s been, he doesn’t always see it because I’m usually so happy to see him.

He did mention that the lack of afternoon coffee will mess up my mood a lot since I’m not medicated. Yes it will reduce anxiety a little, but the depression will worsen.

So here I am, chugging my old standby 1:30pm almond milk latte.

I’m desperate.

Another sweet thing, when I was explaining my anger at the shallow nature of self help material purporting to help “find your purpose” and the lack of fulfillment I feel, “you know what really helps with that? Group therapy.”

We’re starting a group next month. He’s done tons of groups over the years but this will be his first private practice group. I’m excited about it. He said when he first considered starting a group, I was the first person he thought of. :)

Back to werk

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eagles and sunshine

2026-04-09T16:08:13Z

Yesterday was really rough. Hoping for a better day, today.

So tired of feeling unwell and so stressed. Frustrated with the empty placations of all the self-help I turn to.

Really glad I have therapy tomorrow.

I can only tell which eagle is Jackie because she's a) on the nest most often and b) her face is always kinda grubby looking. She's always been this way. The theory is that she likes to rub branches that have tree sap and then dirt sticks to her feathers. It's just kinda funny, that lil grubby head.

She is keeping me steady and on my path, this morning.

My room is destroyed and I can't motivate to put my closet back together, so I slept on half the bed last night with the other half piled 3 feet high with all my clothes. It feels like sleeping on a hoarder bed or something. Not good.

It's a gorgeous day today and work is kinda short, blessedly. Hoping to dance tonight. Manders and Finley won't be there, it's fusion fest and there are other reasons. I can settle back into myself when they're not around. It'll be good. Helpful.

Josh and I played on silks this morning in the livingroom. We still kind of can't believe they're finally here. "Thanks for doing that," Josh said this morning. Oh, right, I tracked down the contractor that I knew could do it. He did a brilliant job. The rigging has tape around it which makes it look like the rigging is taped to the ceiling, lol. But he just wanted to do a very thorough job protecting the drywall, so the tape is holding a barrier between the rigging and the drywall. The rigging sits directly on the beam, wrapped around it, as it should. My master point is rated crazy high, they're designed to hold up bridges. (!) The span set is purple and also rated higher than most climbing equipment. It's so perfect, I am so happy.

I wish I could feel like we are going to be okay in this house, but right now, I don't. I still feel financial ruin and foreclosure and bankruptcy, pretty much constantly, because that is what happened to my mom before she got sick and then died. It was extremely traumatic for me and what was left of my family. It's not something I can just talk myself out of. But it ruins my everyday existence and it needs to stop. Meditation does not help. Telling myself it will be okay does not help. I will work on it in counseling tomorrow.

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And also the eagles

2026-04-06T23:01:18Z

Just wanted to note, I’ve been trying to stay away from the eagle cam because it’s just so stressful, eagles do not have an easy go of it, but this morning Jackie and shadow were feeding their two brand newly hatched perfect little bobble head babies, and they were begging so careful and tender and biting them off the tiniest bits of fish for their first double feeding after chick two hatched and it’s just… in this moment, pure joy.

https://youtu.be/9HmPOFOCJsk

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So lucky for family and so sad that I react so negatively to gatherings.

2026-04-05T01:06:57Z

Feeling a bit better. Got hit with an immense flood of grief and tears, this happens at holidays sometimes. I cried and cried and eventually fell asleep to some 432 healing frequency tones. Sigh. Woke up with not enough time to do what I wanted but all least cooking had been fun, I’m running late for Passover but that’s okay, quiche in the oven, veggies are roasted for tonight and tomorrow, I let the step fam know I’ll just be dropping by briefly, and I decided I can work on sparkling with Riley anytime during the Easter thing tomorrow, I don’t have to be there two hours early if I don’t want to. So, let some pressure off, found some “feel good” playlists and am just accepting that the house will stay dirty for a bit, alas. Holidays are so hard for me, but also so needed, such a a conundrum.

Been fighting the urge to scroll with meditation practices and omg my brain hurts. Let the rewiring commence already. My sad lil brain resists, but she’ll learn.

Mom always did this thing where she would turn into a tornado of anger and stress before a beloved holiday gathering, breaking things and screaming at us for not helping enough and it was always so awful. I’ve been trying all my life to break this pattern, but, the wiring is deep hard code, built before I could speak.

I wish life hadn’t been so hard for her. And my dad. They suffered so much and died so young and it’s so unfair.

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mixed feelings.

2026-04-04T20:10:15Z

Josh sprang passover dinner on me, I had asked repeatedly and he said there was none this year, and then yesterday announced dinner with his parents and sister at 5:30pm. I have no idea what to prepare. I had set aside this day for housework and preparing for TWO easter visits tomorrow, which involve baking pie and soda bread and making deviled eggs and roasting vegetables, all time and labor intensive projects that I was excited about and am now dreading and feeling resentful and tired and grumpy. It is 1pm and I am still sleep deprived and all I want to do is drag blankets and pillows out onto the deck and bask in the 70 degree day and forget ALL of it. All of it.

But. I'm thinking. I'll just do whatever sounds fun today and see how far I get, and cram tomorrow morning for the rest, and potentially skip the step-fam visit because it's just always upsetting anymore anyway. My step-dad is the only person I care about seeing right now and he always announces with great fanfare that he will be there but always cancels last minute, he has not made it to a holiday gathering in at least three years, maybe longer. His youngest son has become his caretaker and says really sad things about why he can't be there that is so upsetting to hear. I would rather just.... :( Not.

The thing is. Cynthia and Derrick are my chosen family, I adore Derrick's mom and she and I have plans to hang out tomorrow before dinner and I think I just need to prioritize the people who actually show up for me, instead of people who happen to be related to someone who married my mom and then soaked up all of her support like a sponge and then ran away when she dried up. :(

It has been several weeks since I've really sat with any of my grief over the loss of my parents, and holidays always bring it into sharp relief. I think I might go outside with Avi and do some of that and forget about cooking for a bit. Focus on housework and what Serafaery needs, today.

Cynthia so kindly bought me a beautiful honeynut pumpkin today while we were shopping at the farmers market, I will bake a pie for Josh and I as a surprise for him for dinner tonight (he is rock climbing outside today in the gorge), I don't care that it's directly opposite the season for pumpkin pie, it's what I want for dinner.

Might roast sweet potatoes and carrots, how about all orange food.

And maybe some chocolate chips cookies for Cynthia with the easter colored organic chocolate gems I have.

I also wanted to make strawberry shortbread cookies, something I usually make every spring, but, that can be bonus. I do have a bunny cookie cutter. Hm.

Found a solution to not having an egg tray for deviled eggs - cupcake liners. The only ones I have are halloween, lol. Happy Undead Jesus Day lol. Easter is the weirdest scariest story omg.

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gentle Friday recovery before the holiday weekend crazy begins

2026-04-03T19:12:29Z

Made it to the club last night. Stayed a little bit too late. It was mostly fun though. Had one song with Finley before he left, that was pleasant. I wish he would reach out for more connection but I guess that is never going to happen. That's okay.

I am so tired, I have some sparkling to do but otherwise just want to catch up on housework and maybe make a stab at organizing a portion of my room/bathroom/closet/office, which is all still a jumble of boxes and bins since moving here in Nov, with needed items strewn everywhere haphazardly, it's such a nightmare in here, I hate it. I have such a hard block around this.

Easter weekend, and I told the step-fam I would visit and also promised Cynthia's mother in law to teach her granddaugher, Derrick's niece Riley, how to sparkle. So I need to leave by 1 to do a quick stop in Oregon City 2-3, and then go to Cynthia's at 4ish for Riley and dinner, which I promised to bring veggies and pie for.

So I really need to make the pie and veggies tomorrow. Saturdays are date day for Josh and I so evening is when I'll be free, ferp. I can cook them lightly-ish so that they can tolerate re-heating I guess. Might just do roasted carrots and sweet potatoes and sweet onion and whatever else sounds reasonable. I have pears and strawberries that can go into pie. I'll bring a few fruits and cheese and crackers like usual. The Step Fam I dunno if I'll bring any food, they don't like my food anyway and I definitely don't like theirs.

But I really have been wanting to bake some Irish Soda Bread, maybe I can bring a little of that, maybe I can make them in to little rolls or something. Need to grab some buttermilk and wheat germ for that after work today.

Time to get dressed for werk! I need a lil more foods, maybe almond butter toast, mmmmmm :)

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almost fun.

2026-04-03T04:00:15Z

Could go to Shadowplay tonight, would need to jump in the shower like now.

It's hard though, my legs are so sore from climbing Dog too fast on Tuesday, and I worry about my lil ears.

I have time in the morning for silks and I'd like to use it.

I get to have therapy tomorrow and honestly that can be more fun after dancing. But not always.

I'd love to save energy for housework tomorrow instead of being wrecked from the club.

But me being able to go to the club, and feeling even vaguely good enough to do so, won't last forever.

They posted a lil snippet of me dancing on Insta for tonight, I was totally unaware of any recording happening at that moment. I do remember having only a meh time that night but feeling good in that particular moment.

Tonight would require big horns and big makeup, after the weirdness I experienced last week.

Cannot count on a Finley sighting, but it's a possibility. He's more free now that he's self-employed.

Maybe I'll just shower and see how I feel. Bed sounds very tempting.

Ate well today, an appropriate amount of snacks. Worked but not too hard, all feels somewhat stable.

We might be getting silks installed in the house in a week or two. Dave thinks he can just cut through the ceiling a little bit on either side and wrap the beam. YAY. He as very brave and climbed around through blown insulation in the attic. We are very well insulated! Which bodes well for summer. But we already knew that, having first visited the house in 80 degree weather and it was cool in here, with no a/c. (I'm still kind of mad that we did that but oh well, it's over. It will absolutely be better for any wildfires in hot weather in the future. So if we end up staying here forever, it will be better for our aging lungs. Can I just say that I am angry that this is a consideration, growing up in Portland in the 80s-90s-00s we never had wildfire smoke; now it's an annual occurrence and I hate it.) For the time being, I might lean on Tyler to borrow his silks to rig mine, until I can get a second pair or a rope or something else to climb and switch out when I want to take my silks outside. He said I could. He is the best.

Seems like the trend in self-help pop-psychotherapy is to thwart the Default Mode Network, that constant source of driveling babbling "mind chatter" that goes on in ones head when we are distracted and/or unfocused. I'm all for that.

I think I need to give Born to Flourish a second listen.

I was able to do my inventory count for a customer last night before bed, it took everything I had but I managed and it was totally fine and not that hard. It's funny how much dread can come from tasks that turn out to be relatively chill. Sometimes the dread is legit though.

Josh asked me to show him how to clean his bathroom sink, last night and I ended up scrubbing out the tub at the same time - I don't go in there much now that we each have our own, and didn't realize it needed it. He's so cute. He just didn't know where the cleaning supplies were, or how to use them really. I tried to explain what oxalic acid is. :) It's not bleach! It doesn't need to sit! It makes everything shiny! :) It was almost fun.

We have a frost advisory tonight and it's supposed to be 74 degrees on Sunday. Oh, April.

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little bit more of the snow from Tuesday on Dog Mt

2026-04-03T03:12:06Z

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Busy Wednesday and Dog Mt Yesterday - hoppy April!

2026-04-01T17:23:47Z

bit daunted by my to-do list today. need to start, but feeling sleepy and exhausted from hiking yesterday. hike was much needed and totally worth it, but ugh. maybe some food would help. (I usually don't eat until 11 or noon but I'm too sleeeeepy erf).

Got my first fall Green Ridge reservation in years, this morning! For a weekend, no less! So exiting! That means Josh can go! It's for Oct 1 and we've never been there that late, but I LOVE it there in Sept so we'll see. It might be cold and rainy the whole time, or, we might get the most spectacular fall sunsets ever. I tried to book all month for October reservations last year and never succeeded, I am feeling very grateful for this.

Too clouded over to see the full moon last night, but the night before it was spectacular.

...

March did the reverse of the traditional "in like a lion, out like a lamb" this year. The first day of March hit 70. Yesterday, the last day of March, I got snowed on.

There is a very rare wildflower that grows at the top of Dog Mt and not many other places, a bright purple little clump in a kind of tall cluster, colloquially called kitten tails, highly coveted by spring wildflower enthusiasts - the vivid shades of purple are not possible to photograph. This was by far the most I've ever seen, they were all over the summit and went all the way to the top, I had kitten tails at my feet while nibbling my snacks and enjoying the soft silent snowfall.

Other early spring wildflowers lower down included....

Trillium!

Prairie Star!

Fairy Slipper! (Calypso Orchid)

Dutchman's Breeches!

Checker Lily! (or chocolate lily)

And the elusive Kitten Tails!

(They are small and scentless but mighty!)

Also loved this moss in the shape of an owl:

A few seconds of snow!

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oops forgot to hit post last night

2026-03-27T13:52:48Z

henna on my head.

been very productive and active today and got through EVERYthing, including cooking healthy meals for myself AND Josh this morning - it made me late departing to work but I still somehow was able to get ready on time, luckily! - all my orders shipped, been reading the Flourishing book all day and downloaded their app - omg I need HELP lol, I have a LOT of work to do on all of the pillars of well being (Awareness, Connection, Insight, Purpose) but the only one I got a good score on was connection. I thought I was a relatively aware and insightful person with at least some sense of purpose but apparently not! Maybe this is partly because I took the quiz in the middle of my lunch break at work lol.

Anyway, took a much needed nap when I got home from work, rinsed off the chicken eggs from up the street so Josh won't fear them (he's a little squeamish about unrinsed eggies), played with Avalanche, made myself a beautiful healthy dinner, I did eat crackers today but not too crazy much, and everything else was super healthy. (collard greens with beets and mushrooms, drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with hemp seeds and unfortified nutritional yeast, this was part of both lunch and dinner, along with my usual greek yogurt with fruit bowl in the morning with walnuts and cinnamon and goji berries, snacks were one of the farm eggs with rosemary, a banana, two tiny apples, sweet potatoes with organic pasture butter with my dinner.)

I've been skipping afternoon coffee/lattes for the most part, maybe down to once a week at this point, and always before noon, having traded it for collagen coffee in the late morning after my first ritual cup that starts my day well before breakfast.

My morning ritual consists of brewing coffee while tidying up the kitchen and making sure everything is ready for Josh to make his breakfast, feeding Avalanche, and then sitting outside and doing a bit of appreciation and I'm adding a five minute loving kindness meditation in there, while listening to the birds, brushing Avalanche on my lap, and sipping my coffee. I put treats out for the shifty crows and they scold us until we leave, too skittish to come while we are there.

Meanwhile the crows at the Overlook House practically land on my head, asking for cashews, lol.

Granted: they've known me a lot longer.

Skipped work on taxes but I feel like Shadowplay is more important, tonight. I genuinely believe I can finish them tomorrow after work, or Saturday with Josh's help at the very latest. He decided not to go back to Smith Rock to climb this weekend so he'll be around.

I think we should celebrate once I file with a visit to the Ole Bolle troll on Sunday :) Have some mindfulness matcha tea and I can do my awareness practice. :)

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Friday fun on a Wednesday

2026-03-25T19:49:55Z

Friday Five on Wednesday because why not....

1. What was the reason you began a Dreamwidth or LiveJournal account (or both)?
Started LJ in 2000, having been on Diaryland before that. I have always journaled compulsively and also love to type, it is the perfect setup for me. It has been my constant companion ever since, online journaling. There is an added aspect of connection with it being online that I adore. I made lifelong friends that I am still connected to, and friends and lovers from those days dramatically shaped my life into what it is now. I do not recall my first username but it may have been swirlscape. I feel like there might have been an earlier iteration I'm forgetting. Like Ravenslove or WingedSinner or possibly a Shaelacat version from my tapestry days.

Made the transition to DW when the first sale to the Russians happened, I want to say that was 2007 or so? (Yep just verified.) Have been active on DW ever since. Watched the other flood come in later in late 2016-2017 when they fully transitioned to their own servers and more news about what they were doing with the old LJ stuff got around to more folks.

2. How many DW or LJ communities do you subscribe to?
LJ I had a good grip of them but here I haven't found any I really like. I am subscribed to Common_Nature and that's about it? None of them are very active. I'd like to find more! Remember I can has cheezburger? omg. Oh the early 2000 internet, what a blissful time. The best cat memes! Singing hampsters! Squirrels that go wheeeeeeeeeeee. Tweets about earthquakes before the shockwaves reach you! Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Making real life friends with actual Suicide Girls! I miss it so.

3. Do you have a favorite community or one you check out often to see what's new?
I wish!

4. How did you pick your user name?
Back when I was 19 and first started getting online, we were told to never use our real names on the internet because it was dangerous. I chose the username Seraphina most of the time, Sarah is my actual name, this eventually morphed into Serafaery, utilizing a variation of my middle name. Everyone online knew me by this name when Facebook started to be a thing, so I kept it, not because I don't like my legal name but because I will likely never feel comfortable using my legal name on the internet, due to my early indoctrination that this was unsafe to do.

5. If you could change your user name, would you?
It's perfect. I think I still have a swirlscape account floating around somewhere in space, too.

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resistance training.

2026-03-25T19:34:46Z

Most of the drivel on social media I scroll right past, but one caught my eye yesterday that actually resonates a bit - some guy selling something said: If stressed worked, we'd all be better by now - or something to that effect.

I just started this book Born to Flourish and it's already helping me think about how to stay balanced when life throws crap my way. I am not even going to go into all the crap I stepped in, or life served to me on a platter made of computer screens, last night and this morning, but it is a combination of financial stress and long term worry and past regrets and it's all bundled up with a bow of profound injustice.

Enough to destabilize the most stable person.

But I'm sinking my feet and my mental health tools as if they were trekking poles down into the wet loose rocky sand and just feeling the icy current tug at my legs and thighs, without toppling over.

One step at a time. I will get through this. Keeping my eye on the light behind the clouds. Keeping in mind everything that is good and right and how fortunate I am to even have these problems, compared to most humans on this planet, in the grand scheme of things.

Stopping and pausing to let the anxiety or dread or depression course through my body is actually really helpful in processing it and letting it resolve itself so that I can move forward in less discomfort.

I'm still a baby at this stuff, but every little bit of practice strengthens those networks, so that it will be easier next time.

Every time I reach for the comfort of my phone or a package of crackers or sweets, I strengthen that pathway instead.

Trying to make better choices, one choice at a time.

It's haaaaaaaaaard, but that means I'm learning.

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"those are her REAL EARS"

2026-03-24T17:43:54Z

okay just a quick public entry to say, right after I posted this morning's musings that I couldn't wash my face, I went and washed my face. :) I find journaling to be so therapeutic, sometimes.

also, I had the joy of sparkling a 5yo yesterday who thought I was a "real" fairy. It was so delightful. Listening to her stories, it was sweet to see how thoroughly fantasy and reality blend together in her little mind.

If I were to ever have a child, I would need it to be 5 years old, and stay perpetually 5, lol.

...

Sakura vibes, yesterday in the studio and after in the park:

And with Cynthia Sunday:

I sprang this on Cynthia so did not try to make her pose a whole bunch, but she was totally unaware of the Sakura festival so she wants to go tomorrow - it's actually good I didn't take her Sunday because it was a maddhouse, Wednesday will be better, and I think the overcast light is actually better for the flowers.

This was just a random stop I sprang on her in the cemetery where we ride our bikes :)

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improvements

2026-03-22T20:03:03Z

must be less depressed because i just put on makeup and contacts to go see a friend.

:)

I realized a few weeks ago that wearing glasses makes me feel terrrrrrrible, I need to wear contacts more often but I'm on my last pair (made 1 year of them last 2) and I'm overdue for an eye appt to get a refill.

(Hmm I wonder if they would refill them if I just called, I should ask.)

But, I want to try to make an effort to wear them more often. I can't wear them for work but for any social engagement it's really very helpful. Also being in nature. It's just so much nicer not to worry about glass falling off of my face, when bent over examining flowers. Also silks, I really hate not being able to see anyone's faces in the gym.

My stomach is in knots over pulling the trigger on the air conditioner installation contract. It's just so much money. Josh is like, "but it'll be 100 in July" and I keep thinking, "maybe window units could get us through?" uuuughhhh. It's more than I paid for my wedding! lol.

Cynthia makes us bike several miles including downtown. She doesn't know that today is peak cherry blossom day. I am not going to warn her. But I am going to force her to stop for photos when we get there :) Mwahahahaaaaa. (We do NOT have enough photos together.) I will stick flowers in her hair and kiss her face a lot. I love her so much.

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let it go.

2026-03-22T01:52:41Z

Just wanted to add, I was feeling really guilty this morning for all of the sad posts here and on insta when I was so depressed for so long. It gives me a sliver of relief to express it, but I don't want to bring anyone down, it's always temporary and it will pass and it doesn't seem meaningful to push out the suffering onto others' eyes who are already struggling under the weight of the dark things of the world. I do even in my darkness try to also post light things, but I need to try harder, or stay more quiet, when I'm that down, or just, post more gently sad things, even when what I'm experiencing is shredding clawing gnawing unbearable pain. It's a ghost. The pain is real but the disease is not reality. It's sooooooooooo hard to believe this when in its grip.

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progress... and as close to perfection as reasonably possible lol

2026-03-22T01:35:26Z

finally in the filing stage of taxes, it's slow-going but I can see the light, lol.

I took some deeeeep dives into rule pages on the irs website. I just really want to understand the self-employment tax forms as thoroughly as possible.

It sucks that it takes so much time but I just really want to understand that I'm doing everything right.

I know I am too tedious about this stuff. I literally will change things by $3 just to make sure it's as correct as possible, that's not a good use of my time but I like the feeling that I'm doing everything as correctly as humanly possible.

Taking better notes this time so that I don't struggle so much to find next year's info. I also paid an extra $8 for my "free" tax software to pull info from last year for me, I'm sure it's worth it, especially going forward - this year it's still a lot of manual entry due to moving.

I will need to do some IRA contributions before I'm done, I think, so not sure I can finish tonight, but I'll be close! Tomorrow should be the end, unless I hit some unforeseen major snag. So far everything is clicking into place really nicely, just, kinda slowly.

I spent some time with the laptop outside on the back patio and took a walk here and there and have been eating yummy things to keep me going like avocado toast and dried mango.

The eggs from the chickens up the hill are wonderful. Happy chickens! The shells are sturdy, always a good sign. The yolks are bright.

Okay back to it. Avalanche is in heaven with mom around in the house all day, this hasn't happened since my surgery recovery :) Usually I'm either away working, running errands, hiking, dancing, or silks-ing :)

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much adultness

2026-03-21T16:37:56Z

Josh was away into the sunrise to go climb with friends at Smith Rock today. Avalanche and I have the house to ourselves!

I am set up in the dining room, ready to tackle taxes. I would LOVE to finish today!

The sunrise was so beautiful. The sky stayed pink and purple for an hour.

I love the new little door mat I got recently. The $3 snowman one I got at the thrift store was disintigrating, and I went for a slightly fancier new one and re-arranged the others and now they all match and fit well where they are, it's pleasant. My eyes are often on my toes so it's comforting when there is beauty there.

I am so pleased with Josh's little cozy corner on the couch, he loves the little space heater I got for that corner (there are two giant windows there so it's hard to keep warm), I researched the best kind that doesn't have any scent and this one is really perfect - the little one in my bedroom always smells a little like plastic but the couch one by Vornado never does.

Avalanche is staying down here with me, resting by her tunnel. Always nearby. My lil velcro cat :)

Had a nice catchup last night with Alessandra, I didn't get any sparkles but she says she will be around more so I will ask again when she's feeling better. I gave her tons. Also got to see Karissa and Ian, I want desperately to sparkle Karissa too but they took off just before we did and really there wasn't time. I will have to catch her again soon. But it was super nice to see them!

I discovered a headlight out and did the youtube thing and went to Autozone and bought a new pair and replaced it myself (they were very kind and gave me disposable gloves for the chore, after offering to help). What a cool feeling it was to turn on the lights and see it light up! The spare one is in my glove box waiting for the other bulb to go out :)

Mood feels fragile but still not low, more like, medium, I will take it!

...

Wanted to mention one thing that happened at the club Thursday. I often dance on the stage there, because there's more room and privacy (in that random people can't just touch me, I don't mind them looking), but I am mindful not to hog it because other people want to go up there for other reasons, and it's also just fun to mingle with the crowd, sometimes.

But because of the way I dress and maybe my confidence, I get a lot of attention and it's not always wanted.

So last night, this guy who's been coming around for a while, maybe my age, I've definitely caught him watching me and smiling more than a little, and he came up and started dancing with me and told me, "I've always thought you are SO beautiful!" which I thanked him for, but, as the song went on, he got closer and closer and sort of got up in my space a bit too much, which was too bad, because he seems nice enough, but it made me uncomfortable and I eventually had to shimmy away to another part of the dance floor, and made my way back to the stage.

Later, I saw him try this again with arguably the prettiest girl in the club. (She also happens to be trans. I only know this because we've talked a few times. She is very passing just visually, if you ignore her height.)

The interaction went more poorly for the guy hitting on her this time. She not only told him no, she told him to leave, and I saw her gesture angrily toward the door.

He immediately backed off, stayed on the other side of the room for a bit, and left after not too much time had passed.

And I just. Need to reflect on the stark contrast of our approaches in handling this guy's unwanted advancements.

I'm not saying either was right or wrong. It's just. I envy her ability to shut him down more forcefully. There's no reason I couldn't do that, it is a safe place for me to express my feelings and I have support there, I was surrounded by friends, Finley and Manders were both still there at the time, along with several other friends, and the staff also always has my back.

Why don't I be more direct and just claim my space?

Sigh.

...

Time to start werkin'.

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Editing to add: Avalanche is now directly under my feet. :D hashtag velcrocat

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feelin' like it's decaf

2026-03-19T23:34:47Z

ah, mood bounced back a bit. Sparkling was lovely, sometimes it's the most wonderful mood booster. This consistently happens when I sparkle people older than 70, Jean will be 80 next year and is amazingly fit, chipper, kind, wise, and all the magical things that only folks that age can offer.

Super tired though, had to pivot to solve problems unrelated to taxes so haven't been able to get to them today yet, and in three hours I need to start getting ready for the club, whoops :)

Guess I'll try again tomorrow! I'll chip away at them as much as I can for a bit while I'm here and settled in for work at the cafe, with a delicious decaf - I have long villainized decaf, but now that I am old it's exactly what I need, haha, how life consistently humbles me :)

Vague headache. A little bit tired and stressed.

Sunrise was beautiful this morning. It rises a little too early for me these days, Avalanche wakes with it and gently mews to let me know when the vivid pinks start showing up.

I have found an immense amount of joy in three recent Huberman Lab videos - the one on hearing loss (the tinnitus info was so enlightening and helpful!), the one on addiction, and I just started one about meditation that is WONderful. I want to get this guy's book maybe (a href="https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Born-to-Flourish/Richard-J-Davidson/9781668066232">Born to Flourish. (I very much loved his anecdote of the mountaintop monk who explained that he was a monk meditating in remote mountains because he needed to, he thought maybe some people don't need to, but his mind was in some ways weaker, so he needed to do this extreme practice - I love this concept of realizing that one's composition is such that we need meditation or other spiritual/nourishing practices in order to flourish, and that maybe not everyone has the same needs in this regard, we are all different and have different needs and that's okay, and maybe we can give ourselves permission to pursue those practices if we are not flourishing without them.)

Science based meditation tools to improve brain health

How to overcome addiction

Improve and protect hearing

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plunge.

2026-03-19T16:40:40Z

erf mood crashed this morning, so frustrating. I was meditating with my coffee, a delightful experience, and suddenly got tearful over my mother's hands, and then that orca that carries around her dead calves (why I stopped eating salmon and most all seafood save sardines and clams).

sigh.

I will get through it, I'm just annoyed. It seems like I should not spend 90% of the time depressed. :(

But. I am a work in progress. I will never stop trying. And I have to accept that this is how today will be, and adjust my expectations accordingly.

Sparkling will be a nice distraction, taxes will also serve to keep me occupied. It's a good day to go visit mom's bench in the park, since I'm already too sad for it to make me feel worse, and it might bring some comfort. A grief meditation there might be helpful, today.

Also Shadowplay is tonight! I'm hoping (sorry DJ) that the crowd is a little thin since there was just a big show and my DJ played Tuesday night. Either way, it'll help.

Let's see if I can finish taxes today, that would be amazeballs.

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dopamine crashes

2026-03-18T23:59:36Z

Been working outside all day, was at the cafe but got driven out by school kids, so I'm in the back yard on the deck now. I got a lot done on taxes, the a/c stuff, and other work communications, but omg I am flagging. It's just suuuuuuch a pretty afternoon and Avalanche is sooooooooo cute in the daffodils omg and I just want to bask in the warm peacefulness and not do tax forms! lol.

I will get back to it, it's just stressful. I cannot wait for it to be DONE.

Maybe I need to move inside but this is SO NICE lol.

The birds are so cute! I am brushing Avi every day and leaving tufts of fur on the fence for the birds and seeing them grab little bits of it is the best. The Bewick's Wrens are especially busy collecting nesting materials rn. The junco bullies keep pestering them but they come back, undeterred :)

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sleepy tuesday night

2026-03-18T05:36:23Z

got a lot done on taxes, but still so much more to go. so many added complications this year. self-employment taxation is so difficult to manage. I did get some helpful forms regarding quarterly estimates, that's nice.

mood has dropped from good to okay, but I will take it, it's still sooooo much better than it has been for so many weeks. I still don't have the energy to dance, my DJ is doing a special night to night for an afterparty that would have been super fun. But I have a headache, and a rib that keeps going out and takes my breath away when it's hurting like this. I will snuggle up with a heating pad and call it a day.

Josh and I took a really nice walk before sunset, and met the guy who has all the chickens. Brian. The chickens are so cute. They ran over to check us out when I talked to them.

Maybe I can dance Thursday. I am going to try really hard to get my prep forms completed so that I can work on submitting taxes this week, I'd really love to get this over with by Thursday or Friday at the latest.

The blanket I wanted to buy Natasha isn't available in Canada and I'm sad. It costs more than the price of the blanket to ship it up there, also sad. There is a similar one but the wrong color on the Canadian website, for twice the cost, erf.

I've been obsessed with gifting on my self-care app lately, it allows us to send gifts to other birbs on our "tree." It's addictive.

I'm still using the free version but I would have gladly paid for the "spring cleaning challenge" they had us do, I did all of the challenges and it was extremely helpful, it helped me get over blockages with changing bedsheets and cleaning the toilet (I don't let it get bad but it definitely could use more regular attention), cleaning out the fridge and pantry and wiping down mirrors and light switches, stuff like that I just never do unless I'm in a mad deep cleaning frenzy, and those only happen every six months or so - some of the chores are things I do all the time, like laundry and vacuuming, but things like "throwing out expired toiletries" were really helpful, I found pill bottles from 2018, whoops!

If I paid for the app, I could send more gifts to more friends. I'm not sure if this is distracting me from the goals, though, so I'm still on the fence about buying it. I'll keep thinking about it :) Finch is wonderful either way, really grateful for that little app.

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Tuesday decompress, reflections on depression lifting, buckling down on taxes finally

2026-03-17T21:17:58Z

Was a busy house keeping morning, managing the gutter cleaning and cooking for Josh and tidying up some messes I'd let get away from me, but very productive and I'm now settled in at the cafe with a delicious latte from the incredibly gorgeous and also very sweet barista named Sulema(sp?), she often has spiky metal on her face or hair or clothing and a neat spiky septum piercing but a soft, gentle voice and a big warm smile, she's got a cute pink crop top today, I'm not used to seeing her in a bright color.

I actually feel good for the first time in I don't even know how long. I mean, I've had brief moments here and there of happiness or relief, esp. outdoors when I feel okay or like that moment communing with the earth in the desert in Red Rock Canyon, but this hit me on a bike ride last night and is still here a solid 18 hours later.

It's back to a soft drizzle and overcast skies today but yesterday it was sunny and hit 70. This often happens, where I'm depressed for a long spell late in winter and then it breaks with the first warm sunny day. And I feel embarrassed, as it appears I have the emotional complexity of a plant. Just put me in the sun for a bit and I'll be fine, I guess.

I almost pulled the trigger on getting a SAD lamp a couple weeks ago, still something worth considering. But I'm realizing all of these non-drug tools for depression just barely take the edge off. The really excellent therapist, vitamin D, the daily morning outdoor light (even cloudy) exposure, exercise, sobriety, being in nature, omega 3 supplements, estrogen, friendship/connection, anti-inflammatory foods, dancing, it all does about as much as an aspirin would do for a broken leg. It's not nothing, but I keep thinking if I find the magical combination, or if I consistently do *all* of it, every day, I'll figure this out and fix this chronically uncomfortable condition.

I am going to add in weekly group therapy (same therapist), and I will also incorporate creatine as that apparently might have some benefits. I'll keep trying. What else is there to do.

It was a little discouraging listening to a really interesting episode on Huberman about addiction, he was saying as the brain ages, it's harder to learn new things, including getting addicted to stuff - that is, it's really unusual for someone in their 50s or older to develop a new addiction. It's something that happens when the brain is more plastic.

But this also means that un-learning depression may keep getting more difficult as I age, which is a depressing (ha) thought. I have heard, though, that menopause is especially triggering and that many women experience a big improvement in mood when they complete this transition. Their mental health on average gets better. Here's hoping.

...

I wanted to write about my day, yesterday.

I got up with the sun yesterday and tried (failed) for a favorite lookout tower, fed Avalanche, had my morning light time with the birds, as the sun slowly came out. I have made a routine of brushing Avalanche outside every morning, she absolutely loves it and expects it, now.

I had to pivot when I checked my calendar because I thought I had yesterday off but no, I had a full day of sparkling scheduled. The rest of the week I set aside for taxes, but I did not set aside Monday, I forgot. But I was able to adjust easily and still cooked breakfast and lunch for Josh and myself and baked banana bread and got out the door in plenty of time for work.

I had a nice easy kind fun delightful batch of customers.

During my coffee break, the sun came out in earnest and it was sooooooooo warm, I sat outside and nibbled my snacks and basked in it.

My last customer and I are both the same age and commiserated over our menopause joys, and also were losing our minds over the beauty and warmth of the sunshine. It was fun. I gave her way too many sparkles and was happy to do so. She's going to a music festival at the Sphere in Vegas in a couple of weeks and wanted to be sparkly for it.

Considered going to the park where mom's memorial bench is after work to soak up the sun but that sounded too sad, so I came home instead to ship out a giant order I received that morning, the traffic wasn't too bad and Avalanche was soaking up the sun happily when I got back, Josh decided to show off his new very small battery powered lawn mower for me, he's so cute in his excitement over being able to care for our very small yard, it's sweet. He's allergic to grass so wears an N95 when he mows, pretty cute.

I got my order packaged up and dropped it off at the post office here locally, the Tigard post office is really great, stuff ships faster from here than it ever did when I was in Portland proper. The hours are better, too. Got some much-needed groceries after, and still had some sunshine left when I was done with my chores, so I decided to hop on my bike and try to get up to the water tower on the hill to the east of us before sunset.

This ride involves some pretty steep hills and is a little over 2 miles but has about 500' of elevation gain, maybe a little more depending on the route. So it's not a big ride but it's a really nice little workout.

Everyone was out walking their dogs, the light was beautiful, traffic was light, I took some cute photos at the water tower and the park just below it for Joshter.

Here is a shot of our star magnolia out front:

Arrival to the water tower:

Sunset:

Basking:

This route was something I found by walking, I just wanted to go for a walk one day and aimed uphill until I reached the park. (I found the water tower a bit higher up past the park on my bike later.)

Along this route, is a house with about 30 chickens in their yard. On a dry-erase board in their driveway reads, "farm fresh eggs, $5, in fridge" and there is an old fridge outside under an awning. Josh checked this fridge a month or two ago and found nothing, but it was mid-winter, so I brought a carton and some padding on my ride last night and skipped buying eggs at the grocery store in hopes the ladies may have started laying.

Success!

There were like 10 dozen eggs in there, so this might be our spring/summer egg supply going forward :)

This suburb has no limit on the number of chickens one can have. People have geese and goats and I have smelled signs of other farm animals around on this route. We are definitely not in the city anymore, lol.

...

I was soooooooooooooo happy the rest of the night. I changed my bed sheets and did laundry, ate a beautiful dinner, learned some really interesting things about tinnitis that is really helpful actually for dealing with it, and also hearing loss and protection in general, an interesting podcast on Alzheimer's, sent some messages to some people I care about.

I think part of my joy came from us going on a hike together in the sunshine on Sunday, we had to drive an hour and 40 minutes to get out of the clouds but we did find sun eventually, I took Josh to Columbia Hills state park and we admired the Lewis' woodpeckers and were serenaded by western meadowlarks. It's a little early for wildflowers so there was barely anyone out there, so we had a lovely lunch by ourselves on a boulder with a gorgeous view of the river and the mountain. Home made pizza and pumpkin pie (I baked it for pi day). Afterward we crossed the road to Horse Thief Butte and Josh got some bouldering in, my little monkey:

(he had the crash pad below him, and was climbing things he was fully capable of climbing. But still. eep!)

Horse Thief Butte is gorgeous, we had fun scrambling around and enjoying views of the Columbia Gorge, the weather turned and dropped a couple of tiny raindrops on us but nothing bothersome, it was a really pretty place to just hang out and watch Josh climb stuff. I encouraged him to do one that was a little spicy and he got a surge of adrenaline, I'm glad he pushed himself, I think it's really good for his well-being, it was nothing he couldn't handle but he had to work at it. It was fun to watch.

...

( small food-related rant )

...

I worry about Josh a little bit. My sex-drive is still nonexistent and I thought I might have overheard him crying a little bit last night, after trying to test out whether I might be feeling sexy last night. He saw me all happy and glowing from the bike ride and got hopeful. But I still don't feel anything. And it's really not as easy as I would hope to just mess around with him in other ways even though I'm not feeling it. It's revolting and I wish that weren't the case. Poor thing. I wish I could fix it. I am trying. I went back to using creams and suppositories again to try to help. They don't always do anything, but if I don't use them I definitely have less of a chance of getting there. It's super frustrating, because not wanting sex also makes me not want to want it, somehow? My body doesn't want me to use the creams and stuff, it just wants me to let it be left alone and untouched. It's super difficult to force myself to try to "fix" it. When everything in my body just wants this part of my life to no longer exist. It's a hard experience to talk about or describe or explain. I don't miss sex or feeling sexy or feeling desire, but I am sad for my partner. I feel guilty and like I'm letting him down.

...

It's interesting to me that I have become so much more functional in the last two years - I blame therapy directly for this - I am better at keeping up with the house, I'm better with big scary financial things like BUYING A HOUSE omg, better at dealing with difficult family members and avoiding people who mean me harm, SO much better with the mild emotional hoarding issues (they're still there but so much more manageable), better at dealing with medial stuff to some extent (I do need to schedule a blood draw and my colonoscopy and have been delaying those for long enough), I'm doing my own taxes now, work is going well, friendships and relationships are solid. My therapist noted that I did a good job standing up for myself and holding a boundary in Vegas when I asked to try a different room when our first unit smelled so badly of cleaning chemicals, and didn't make a fuss even when Josh criticized me for not handling that situation better (yes I used some dramatic language about it making me sick, I may have verbalized the possibility of sleeping in the car, but my voice was never raised and I only asked to try and see if another room might be better, never that I would throw a fit if I didn't get what I wanted).

But I'm still so completely broken in other ways. I can't keep up with laundry, my room/office/closet bathroom in the house is still not set up and half in boxes and totally neglected and I continue to avoid dealing with it, I still can't brush my teeth or shower consistently or floss, or wash my face, I struggle to keep up with medications and supplements still (even though the last two days have been better, aside from forgetting my vitamin D and my estrogen yesterday, sigh), I am not great at keeping up with people socially face to face, though I am getting better at messaging, I still collapse into a puddle in waves of overwhelming grief regularly, my depression is soooooooooooooooooooooo bad I have to drag myself through most of my days - this is the first day that hasn't felt like that in forever - I'm addicted to saltines randomly (I am trying to detox from them this week), I have been crawling into bed and avoiding life by 8pm every night for weeks. (Last night was the first night in a very long time I was up until maybe 9:30pm.) So much of everyday function feels too hard for me to manage, even though I'm so much better than I was, in other ways. So frustrating and confusing.

...

I am still on the fence about whether home ownership was a good idea or not. I paid like $300 for gutter cleaning today, I will have to do that annually. There is a little bit of water seepage in the crawl space, I will have to mitigate that for mold annually. I am getting all kinds of pressure to replace the furnace. So many thousands of dollars of maintenance every year. People act like renting is throwing away money but I don't think people are factoring in the cost of maintenance when they pencil out ownership vs renting. This suuuuuuuuuuuuuuux lol.

I LOVE having a yard for Avalanche, though. Her quality of life has improved dramatically and she is exponentially happier, it's obvious. I enjoy not worrying about lead paint whenever another cupboard starts to chip. It's really nice having our own laundry that is not coin operated and actually gets our clothes clean. And the dishwasher is pretty magical.

There are downsides but I won't get into it too much. It's double the driving for me. I just am not sure it pencils out, but am trying really hard to focus on the good bits. We enjoy the westerly view from Josh's rooms, and I'm grateful for my new cat sitters.

...

I still need to decide what to do about air conditioning, but today is for taxes, time to get working on those.

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