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Fun with depression.
Haven't been doing too great lately. Lots of fatigue and trying to withdraw from the world. Work is getting on my nerves to the point that when one of my co-workers who is out on maternity leave brought her baby in for everyone to coo over, I ducked out and went home. Without saying anything. Three hours early.
It's depression. I know it, I know this feeling. Old familiar weight. Everything feels heavy and impossible. Socialization on any level is exhausting and unbearable, often tear-inducing. Things that should not bring about doomy gloomy thoughts cause devastating negative emotional reactions in me.
I know intellectually what is going on and how to work through it, but it's just so ridiculously draining. I feel like I'm wearing a layer of lead. My skin hurts, my muscles hurt, existing hurts.
I am inclined to go back on meds, having this reminder of exactly how painful this illness is. But so much chemically weirdness is so uncomfortable. I want to be free of that so I can feel healthier. But I can't appreciate feeling healthier if I'm so depressed that I'm making myself sick every day. (The remnants of my cold still linger, clinging to the inside of my sinuses.)
If I can just drag my ass through this a bit and try to pull myself out of the muck, I might have a chance of being okay. But everything feels so fucking heavy. I'm so tired of walking through air that feels like molasses. Rest doesn't help. I sleep and sleep and I'm always tired. Food doesn't help. Exercise would help but I'm so tired.
All I want is to be able to walk without struggling. To feel light. To be able to breathe. To be able to smile and be myself without alcohol or burrowing in bed with my cat. Wellbutrin gives me that, at least some of the time. A weight lifted. But I don't want the itchy scalp and ear ringing (which is worse right now, oddly), the dizzy spells when I miss a pill, random night sweats, gross gross gross.
Money is too tight and I feel incapable of dealing with it. I really don't want to pay to see my doctor.
I have no interest in forcing my friends to do any kind of celebrating for my birthday, which will make it horrible, and make me feel lonely and valueless. This is familiar.
...
Going to see if I can put in a load a laundry and cook myself some dinner. Do dishes maybe.
...
Looking through![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pixie_journal's latest series of photos is inspiring. The way she finds what's beautiful about people and lets it shine through her photos.
...
Didn't spin poi today. Too cold. Too heavy-feeling. I seriously need to live in a sunny, warm place if I can't exercise daily. I can't take this. Not by myself.
...
Maybe after dinner I'll play with my face paints a bit. Didn't wear any makeup all day and my skin is all happy and glowy from it.
It's depression. I know it, I know this feeling. Old familiar weight. Everything feels heavy and impossible. Socialization on any level is exhausting and unbearable, often tear-inducing. Things that should not bring about doomy gloomy thoughts cause devastating negative emotional reactions in me.
I know intellectually what is going on and how to work through it, but it's just so ridiculously draining. I feel like I'm wearing a layer of lead. My skin hurts, my muscles hurt, existing hurts.
I am inclined to go back on meds, having this reminder of exactly how painful this illness is. But so much chemically weirdness is so uncomfortable. I want to be free of that so I can feel healthier. But I can't appreciate feeling healthier if I'm so depressed that I'm making myself sick every day. (The remnants of my cold still linger, clinging to the inside of my sinuses.)
If I can just drag my ass through this a bit and try to pull myself out of the muck, I might have a chance of being okay. But everything feels so fucking heavy. I'm so tired of walking through air that feels like molasses. Rest doesn't help. I sleep and sleep and I'm always tired. Food doesn't help. Exercise would help but I'm so tired.
All I want is to be able to walk without struggling. To feel light. To be able to breathe. To be able to smile and be myself without alcohol or burrowing in bed with my cat. Wellbutrin gives me that, at least some of the time. A weight lifted. But I don't want the itchy scalp and ear ringing (which is worse right now, oddly), the dizzy spells when I miss a pill, random night sweats, gross gross gross.
Money is too tight and I feel incapable of dealing with it. I really don't want to pay to see my doctor.
I have no interest in forcing my friends to do any kind of celebrating for my birthday, which will make it horrible, and make me feel lonely and valueless. This is familiar.
...
Going to see if I can put in a load a laundry and cook myself some dinner. Do dishes maybe.
...
Looking through
pixie_journal's latest series of photos is inspiring. The way she finds what's beautiful about people and lets it shine through her photos....
Didn't spin poi today. Too cold. Too heavy-feeling. I seriously need to live in a sunny, warm place if I can't exercise daily. I can't take this. Not by myself.
...
Maybe after dinner I'll play with my face paints a bit. Didn't wear any makeup all day and my skin is all happy and glowy from it.
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Whatever you decide to do, hang in there.
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The side-effects are annoying but the illness is making me a lot sicker. And I need to be able to hold down a job.
I'll figure it out. Thanks for the empathy. :)
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Admittedly it doesn't make everything marshmallows and roses (and that would be... scary...) but as it was described to me "when you're in a pit, it's nice to have a ladder"...
This is all my experience, of course. Everyone's results may vary. I am not a medical doctor and I do not play one on tv. :)
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At least I have caffeine! *coffeehugs*
Oh baby... We'll always have Coffee!
(ask me about banjos someday. seriously, it's related to the subject.)
Anyway, I figured a smart girl like you in a hippydippyish town like this, you'd probably already looked at all the options... :)
It's the stupid reality of the world that people seem to expect their answer to work on EVERYONE, and it really just doesn't. I was totally shocked that the SJW works on me, just like I know people who can't believe that when I take Celexa it makes everything worse. Nothing is 'one size fits all'. That's just not how we're built.
I hated the 'brain sparkles' from Wellbutrin. Gives me shivers just remembering them. Gaaahhhh!!!!
Of course... If you ever find something that turns you superstrong and superskinny you'll share with me, right? RIGHT? ***pleading*** ;)
Re: Oh baby... We'll always have Coffee!
Re: Oh baby... We'll always have Coffee!
well....
My father learned to play banjo to help him quit smoking.... Which meant every time he wanted a cigarette, he picked up the banjo. Every few hours. All day. All night. And, more importantly, whenever he was pissed off or stressed out.
So now the sound of banjos just remind me of being woken up at all hours by someone having nic fits, plus I assume someone in the house is really pissed off, so I just want to hide somewhere. It's totally programmed from a small age so there's not much I can do about it.
And then I get people trying to explain in small words that I just don't APPRECIATE the banjo...
And I punch them.
No, not really. But I do ignore everything they say to me from that moment on. :)
Re: Oh baby... We'll always have Coffee!
Re: Oh baby... We'll always have Coffee!
Yeah, it's amazing the different ways the same stuff effects different people. I'm always perplexed and sad hearing about people who can't tolerate the birth control pill, because it has been my very best friend since I was 18 and I don't know how I ever lived without it.
Alcohol makes me superstrong and uberawesome, but it only lasts a few hours and leaves me with a headache and chapped lips in the morning :/
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You have great value. I will get out that way to visit my mom sometime this Summer. Can we celebrate your birthday then?
I would love to live somewhere tropical, but for now the hot tub will have to do...
You seem so perceptive of you situation, if you can stay focused and move on those things you know will benefit you, even if feeling lethargic.
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Thank you. I feel much better today. I think awareness is a good first step, and sometimes for me, just taking note of where I am and observing it is helpful, even if I don't move to change things right away. Some times I sort of need to work up the strength to put good things into action for myself. I'm slowly getting stronger and better at it, though. I did manage to get some chores done last night and feel better for it today. That's a tiny thing, but it's better than nothing. So, yay!
Mmmm hottub.
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I was living the kind of life where nothing seemed to be going right for me but whenever I got knocked down I always was able to get back up, brush myself off and come up with a plan to make things better. It just got to the point one day where I just had a constant feeling of the impending moment when the other shoe would drop and I just couldn't come up with another plan. In short, I was hopelessly lost. I went to therapy which for me was a process where I was allowed to bring the things to the surface that I wanted for my life that just got choked down due to a variety of factors. Once I was able to embrace these things a funny thing started to happen. My bad luck started to turn into good luck. When I needed an apartment I found one. When I needed a job I found one. etc. It was like previously these obstacles were thrown up because I was on the wrong path. Once I got on the right path-things started going my way. So for me I don't look at depression as some kind of thing to be managed but a symptom of something larger, that something inside of me needs out or to needs be acknowledged. And so I'll leave you with the best advice I ever read, even if it doesn't apply to your situation it's still good advice in general: if you hear a voice inside you repeatedly telling you something, it's there for a reason. Listen to it.
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