serafaery

Just finished the yummiest dinner of baked yukon potato with veggie chili and spinach and a little bit of parmesan sprinkled on top, sooooooooooo good.

started my period (I guess, I don't even know what to think of these random days of bleeding anymore, they are so sporadic and clearly not related to reproduction), which means I get to eat anything I want, and this is exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it.

Still feeling the effects of the B12. Even though I was wiped out after work today and crawled into bed and slept when I got home, around 4:30pm, I got up around 6:30 and played with Avalanche and tidied up the kitchen and went for a 20min sunset walk and made myself dinner - all things I would not have done a few days ago. A few days ago my brain fog would have been too murky to rally myself into eating anything healthy, I would have told myself it is too late to eat which means I would have starved myself and eventually binged on crackers. A week ago I would have only had the energy to feed Avalanche, peel off the rest of my work clothes, and crawl back into bed, without even bothering to brush my teeth or wash my face.

Now that I've eaten something substantial and healthy and it's not even quite 8pm yet, I might still have an hour or two of energy left to fold laundry or clean my bathtub or wash my face and put on some skin cream or find a new book (NPR mentioned that Noah Adams has a memoir about learning piano in his 50s that I am intrigued by, I'm almost finished with Up On Cove Mountain - why I'm reading all these books about old white guys is anybody's guess lol) or build a fall playlist or wash some dishes or any number of small chores that are not much but also not nothing. Neglecting these things has really been adding up and weighing on me.

I would loooooooooooove to get Halloween decorations up, maybe I can start with a few tonight, at least some light strings outside?

I would also loooooooooooooove to hike tomorrow at the coast (with a stop for mushroom hunting on the way and a dip of toes into the sand and water after) after a super early appt with my dermatologist in which I'm pretty sure she's going to scoop out some chunks of skin on my arm - I've had moles biopsied before and it's gnarly, it's going to leave wounds. But much better to be safe than sorry.

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After that crazy experience with the B12 shot, I called my botox lady on a whim after Josh tried to tell me to go to a medspa up the street that does them for $40. My lady does them for $30, she used to be a naturopath so was able to confirm some of what I had read online about it.

What Dr Griffin said: B12 is notoriously difficult to test. So a lot of NDs will just give someone a shot as a test, because if someone is not deficient, the reaction is harmless and not noticeable at all. There are no side effects for having extra B12. BUT, when someone IS deficient, the reaction can be really dramatic and immediately noticeable. She suggests doing shots every week for a month or two and then slowly ratcheting down to monthly and then maybe every other month for maintenance. Dr Griffin doesn't do extra services beyond botox and fillers in general, but she has B12 partly because she saw how helpful it was in her practice and also because of her own personal experience with her own reaction to it. So, that was really comforting and reassuring.

I'm seeing her on Thursday so I'm hoping we'll have time to add it on to my usual treatment.

After that I might look into getting a home injection kit as it is a lot less expensive that way, I just want to make sure I source it well. Cynthia should be able to help me with that.

It's just really wild how much better I feel. I am still a bit tired and droopy today, and a tiny bit extra anxious and sad, but I think a lot of that is due to poor sleep from eating bar food with Karissa last night, and despite all that, my brain fog is still nonexistent. My mood is meh but not tanked. My energy is flagging but I am not crushed. I imagine the effects will slowly fizzle until I get back to baseline after a few more shots. It would be so crazy if I could feel that good all of the time. I really thought it was just perimenopause and aging that was causing all of that. It is only causing some.

I also have a lot of symptoms of low thyroid function so I really do need to go on the hunt for another naturopath. I need someone who will be competent about testing, who will help me with thyroid assessment, a calcium score, a dexa scan, and managing my ferretin issues, among other things.

It just makes me feel so frustrated and sad that maybe my mom could have also been helped by B12 for like, so much of her life. I dunno though, she never got tired like I was, and she loved her steaks. She ate eggs every morning. But also she was running on so much alcohol.

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It was nice catching up with Karissa, and being able to keep my eyes open past 7:30 while drinking n/a beer in a dive bar. (We were there until almost 10pm.) Friends are everything.

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It's amazing how easy it is to get home from work during rush hour on surface streets. I am so lucky this works well and I guess just not a lot of people are traveling the direction I'm going. I am back to driving freeways somewhat, but boy am I cautious and jumpy, just on the road in general.

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It was so sweet on Sunday, I was still flying high from the B12 and Josh and I had a nice gentle morning routine together and went to the farmers market and decided to go to Broder even though it was not a special occasion, it was just a gloriously beautiful day and I was so so happy, so we rode our bikes over there and took selfies with the troll and got seated at our favorite table with the otter and I gave our waiter persimmons from the tree by my work (Karissa and I also swapped persimmons for pineapple guava which is a new-to-me fruit!), and I was literally weeping with joy over how good the food was and how beautiful the day was and how happy I was. I think my body was just, so relieved to have that nutrient, and I was feeling the relief emotionally.

I was very very tempted to get a pumpkin cosmo that everyone was ordering, in part to make up for the lost pumpkin ale at the haunted corn maze, but a) I don't like vodka that much and b) they do now have evening cocktail hour at their Nord location (closer to my work but also closer to my friends) so instead of day drinking it might be nice to take a friend or three there some evening if I want to indulge in a small amount of alcohol.

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Feeling a little sleepy tired cozy, I think more out of habit than anything. It's also gotten chillier now that the sun is down.

This has been the sunniest most summery October I can ever remember. I wish it were easier to go back and look at past weather patterns, because I vaguely remember an October similar to this when I was a child, and being so deliriously happy over basically getting a second summer, and just being in awe of the beauty of the sun and golden leaves every single day for well over a month. Every warm sunny sparkly bright day with golden leaves falling everywhere feels like such an extra special gift. Like the way Avalanche lifts her face to the breeze with that dreamy half-closed eye blissed out expression. It feels like that, every day. It's getting chillier at night and the mornings are nippy but the days are still sunlit and sparkling. It's so fun. We are all rejoicing. It is a little weird to not have the dreary cold weather required for baking and simmering chili and soups and watching spooky movies and donning our coziest sweaters and hats, but we are not complaining. We'll have plenty of time for all that, when it gets here.

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Super early dermatology appt in the morning. Maybe snuggling up with youtube for the rest of the night is okay. I'll finish the dishes at least, maybe make some tea :)

There is a little pale pink cyclamen flower that is native to this area, I see it scattered about the neighborhood, it all bloomed at once last week, I want to restore it to our yard. There are some tiny pinkish violets too. also some little whitish weedy flowers, and others I'm forgetting the colors of, I think there's some yellow stuff? I don't think these are the kinds of things you'd ever see even in a native plant store. How to go about this.

I want to add other natives, california poppy and douglas aster, I wish I had a good place for the native rhodie to go but the owners planted the asian kind instead (and they are dying, getting smothered by the star magnolia that is already too big to trim even with a hedge trimmer which I have still failed to purchase because I don't know how to shop for such a thing and my research has led me to zero more knowledge about which tool would be best for my needs).

I was going to cut down (with Tyler's help) the little japanese maple that's planted in a terrible place up against the front of the house, but a random branch reached out tonight when I got home and literally petted me on the head, as I walked by, and now I'm not sure I'll ever have the heart to do anything but trim her.

A bird hit my bedroom window so I need to bird-proof the glass and this requires application on the OUTside of the glass or it won't work (glass glare will hide anything adhered to the inside) but I was thinking this morning instead of trying to reach it by ladder I could just open the window and reach around from the inside and paint it from here. Only the side that doesn't open needs it done because it doesn't have a screen, the other side is screened so doesn't get hit. All I need is a rope and harness and for Josh to belay me while I paint, lol.

Had a really beautiful day.

It would be even better if I could rally enough to do a load of laundry or empty the dishwasher, but I kind of just want to curl into bed now.

It's funny how many ads I get online for antidepressant treatments of every kind, ever since taking welbutrin for a week. I've always gotten depression ads but it's way more intense and medicine focused, lately (instead of just a bunch of betterhealth ads lol). I think some of it has to do with the appts, some with the prescriptions, some with this journal.

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Aerial gym was good today. Raven is so pleasant to talk to. Everyone talks his ear off. He's just the sweetest human.

30-somethings right now, they seem so much kinder than when I was 30-something.

maybe I just hang with better crowds, these days.

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Andrea died one day short of her 37th birthday. I knew she was young but I did not realize how young. She had an old soul. She was so still and steady.

:(((((((((((((((((((((((

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I read that once a week heat therapy can be beneficial for depression.

I am wondering if other healing weekly activities can be put into play, for this purpose.

I know vegetables are mood-boosting for me but have had trouble cooking for myself, recently. When Josh is gone I just don't.

I cannot wait for a couple days off next week after my scans and appointments.

No Halloween decorations went up, today. Sad. I might take myself to the pumpkin patch tomorrow after riding bikes with Cynthia, and try again tomorrow.

Thursday and Friday I'm back to work, then I'll have the weekend to try to get more work done around the house and try again if I fail to decorate tomorrow.

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There are no reports of any fatalities (or even injuries - there's actually no mention of it at all anywhere) in the crash I witnessed on Monday, which is good good good. Not newsworthy is good. I am hoping the freaked-outedness fades, I am only driving on surface streets and still spooked and going slowly and I'm jumpy whenever it looks like a car is behaving erratically (which is often!), even though nothing bad has happened. I am happy to go slower and look around (even) more carefully at everything.

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I want a medical alert bracelet. Not for any medical issues I have. Just so. If something happens. People can figure out who I am.

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I wonder if AI will make humans into its pets. (I heard an NPR report about Muse today and that sounds like what that app is aiming to do.)



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Audible pushed a free "Uncertainty" meditation at me and it was SO LOVELY, I am so grateful. I am going to try to do this one every day for a bit. It is about 15 minutes and the basic premise is, "What if something good happens?" I love this so much. So so so helpful. For this little overly anxious faery.

Just met with a psychiatrist. She was really very sweet, like a lil angel. She is older than me. I feel so lucky. She is new to the hospital system I am in so she has a lot of availability, kind of like what happened when I found my current therapist - he was just getting started. Right place at the right time kind of thing. I am very grateful.

So just decompressing from that a little bit. I am going to cook something for Josh in a few minutes, and then try to get a bike ride in. After some rain in the wee hours, it's shaping up to be a beautiful mostly overcast/partly sunny day.

So much I want to do before the lookout tower. I would like to get my hair henna done, do some laundry, ship an order, clean my room. (More housework is needed but not going to put pressure on myself around it right now.)

Gretchen will watch Avalanche for us, she's being so kind. Avalanche went right to her when she came over last night, a very good sign.

Need to get some groceries. I wonder if I should surprise Josh with Thai food for lunch. I've been making him the same thing for lunch every day. He likes it and it's really easy (a bowl of rice that, when there are five minutes of cooking time left, I throw in onion, beans, broccoli, tomatoes, carrots, and/or whatever veggies looked good at the coop (sometimes it's beets or bok choy or peppers or radishes or whatever) salsa, and I top it with cheese after the veggies steam for five or so minutes - I cook some sort of meat or fish on the side to go with it), so it's hard to get out of the rut I guess. Sometimes I sauté tofu and veggies but that is a lot more work, so are tacos, and protein pasta requires sauce and noodles that I don't think I have at the moment - I'll check. Sometimes I do lentils or split peas but he doesn't like that as much. There is a potato and pinto beans with cheese recipe that he found that I do occasionally, but the potatoes take forever. He loves toasted garbanzo beans, which I can put on salad, but it's messy and high labor to season them well, toast them correctly, and sliver the carrots, onions, and beets for the salad. The beans and rice with veggies is just so easy.

baked the first apple/pear crisp of the season yesterday. It is so perfect and comforting.

K trying to get my day straight here.


* cook for Josh
* ship order
* groceries - don't forget water for GRLO
* maybe return goodwill (I think I'm going to not work on the moss dragon just yet, it doesn't feel right) items and look for Halloween stuff?
* bike ride?
* henna hair
* laundry
* clean/tidy room, organize stationery/create stationery area
* group therapy at 2:15
* ride with Cynthia after work?
* walk at Bull Mt park?
* set appts for the next month and create web post and email for end-of-October (limited) sparkle work schedule
* pay naturopath invoices and review labs (did a whole bunch of medical stuff yesterday, but not this one yet)

* I want to buy zinnia and california poppy seeds even though I know nothing about growing anything. The internet keeps telling me it's not too late to sew them. We are having an incredibly mild fall, so far. I want to try.

I found out that my reaction to my pneumo-vax is very common, the nurse I talked to had just seen this in another patient, nothing to worry about. yay. I should expect the same thing with the shingles vaccine, which she suggested I wait a month or two to get to let my body recover from this one. Fun times.

Gretchen refuses to let me pay her for cat sitting. I should get her a gift or something. sigh. She's helping out a bunch with her daughter Audrey's vending over the spooky season, it's sweet. She is the kindest most loving person. I always wonder if people who are like this had, or have, familial support, emotional and/or financial, that I never had, that makes it so easy for them to be so generous and thoughtful. I am working on it. I used to be an over-giver and I dialed it back too far. Trying to reach a happy medium, where I can be kind and helpful without hemorrhaging needed resources and time for my own well-being.

I was feeling kind of okay this morning but after the appt I feel really bad. It's just, really hard, to have to explain my depression symptoms to people. I can't control the tears.

I've been doing short walks in the morning during sunrise, just around the neighborhood, it's 9 minutes (I timed it this morning), today during the walk Merlin picked up 21 birds. (And I'm pretty sure it skipped a couple.) Migration season in full effect.

I had my window open for much of the night last night because I was roasting - I guess I put my comforter on my bed too soon - and heard the most unusual call at around 3am that I've never heard before. It started as almost a kind of snarly trill that would evolve into a beautiful long three toned whistle/call, with a longer tone on the last one. It was the same every time. I heard it at least a dozen times, but it was very faint, and Merlin couldn't hear it. I guess perhaps it wasn't a bird, being the middle of the night and not registering on Merlin, but I can't imagine what else would make a sound like that. It sounded otherworldly. It was not a dream.

I want to take the rest of October off (I'm booked through the 15th so I mean after that), to rebuild my website and do some marketing for it, take new product photos, maybe start some new youtube content, to fix my calendaring systems, to work on my art and wings, to reset my house and figure out how to clean and decorate it. I haven't taken any extended time off since the surgery last winter. I also desperately want to continue to declutter (and create some youtube content around that), I want less stuff. It's too much, but it's so scary to let go. I have done so much work around this and it's so much better than it was, but I want to do better.

Wish I could find a new book to read. Need more comfort material on audible. Something rich but gentle. I tried to start Middlemarch but I think that would to better as not-audio, as a paper book to read, and I am not in the mood to follow the details of victorian social nuances down to the buttons on people's outfits and what that signifies about their social standing. my brain loves that stuff, just, not right now. (My younger brain loved that stuff. Maybe it's too late for me.)

That feeling of sun on my face feeling like sun hitting a polluted gutter. It's warm and full of life and not received in the way I wish I could.

Tinnitus like a hot electric pink cloud of auditory pain.

I feel like a pile of sludge and I just want to watch Sleepy Hollow (Tim Burton version) and do nothing. But it's too sunny and there is too much to do.

A favorite fairy illustrator, Paulina Fae, just released a lil bandcamp album called Lilac Cat, it's way cute.

Got my bike ride in, yay!

Bins are out.

Re-set number and SIM locks on my phone.

Cleaned out the stuff from the fridge that needed to go - could still use a scrub.

Was going to do a silks session but my joints are all in flare-up mode at the moment. I'm wondering if I could compromise with just a few silks strengthening exercises (climbs, sit-ups, straddle-ups, a few easier basic moves like back balance to catchers and hip keys), or just stay off of them altogether.

The sun came out a little bit for my ride. The day has been soft and gentle. I feel all right. Patty's death hasn't hit me yet.

Need to still do some things to make this evening okay and to prep for tomorrow:
* cook veggies and have a healthy dinner (plus make lunches for the next couple days)
* henna hair
* laundry
* floors (at least sweep and scoop litter boxes)

* something to help alleviate this insane hip pain :(

* order a SAD lamp? There is one on Amazon with good reviews. I might also be able to use it for sparkling one day if needed?

* need to do an email about pumpkin spice sparkles returning - and take photos of the royal purple

* do hedge trimmer research

* sparkles inventory - at least for the most recent shipment

* organize stationery and card/gift supplies a bit better (starting to pile up on the desk a bit)

.....

I'm hitting an energy wall so I think I'll go microwave myself a tofu dog and go from there, that sounds so good right now! :) I'll grab a fake beer and let myself watch a little youtube (Practical Magic rental?) and go from there.

Hi friends! You've been so helpful with suggestions lately, I thought I'd ask about cozy books for fall. I have a very narrow preference for things that are not very violent or scary (the dog can't die kinda thing) and writing that avoids religion.

( I am atheist and I am discomforted by afterlife ponderings. )

Nature is my religion.

My favorite kind of writing intersects nature writing with magic(al realism), a good example would be the Cryptonaturalist podcast by Jarod K Anderson - I loved his Strange Animals novel and his memoir even more, "Something in the Woods Loves You."

My current favorite book is Mink River by Brian Doyle. There are passages by crow and bear that I re-read over and over. (Being born in Oregon and addicted to hiking the mountains and the coast, this book feels like home.)

I've read four wrong-for-me books in a row and it's making me dislike reading.

Been writing a lot of private entries. Been pretty withdrawn, but I'm working on coming back out of my shell. Partly because my scabs from the skin treatment are finally starting to diminish (leaving either strange pale blank spaces or brown smudges that will need a do-over, but that's okay), and partly because I'm just feeling a little bit better/slightly more energized.

( food/weight talk )

I think I'm feeling better after meeting a new doctor this week also, even though I was a bit put off by her jumping to "auto-immune" problems when I'm pretty sure I don't have that. I think this is just a trendy easy answer for a complex set of problems. But, she's an excellent phlebotomist and I trust her to listen to me. And she offered to test things I've never had offered before and always wanted, including a calcium score for my heart. I'll let her look for more inflammatory markers and thyroid issues, even though those have always tested normal in the past. I need to remember to send her labs from previous years from the other naturopath I was seeing.

Still experiencing a ton of anxiety and depression, but dealing. I have concluded that my social media departure has been an utter failure. I am more sad, not less. I am disconnected. My work has suffered due to my lack of presence. My connections to my friends has suffered, at least with those who are active, there. Maybe this makes other people happy who have families or whatever, but I actually need to be online a lot. Screens are good for me. I've used social media to improve my life and foster connections since I was 19 years old. AOL chatrooms were where I started (actually, it was Compuserve, first). So I will be easing back into that and re-remembering how to take selfies and post things, re-launch my work social media accounts, and set aside Wednesdays as online/computer days to rebuild my website and work on marketing and outreach. I might take a page from one of my beloved customers who buys sparkles from me and sparkles out in Florida and start doing a live monthly raffle for free fairy hair, I think it's a fun and lovely idea. I would like to wrangle a buddy to be there with me so that I am not doing it alone, but it might have to just be Avalanche, at least at the beginning.

I've also written out some strategies for reconnecting with friends I've been neglecting.

It's Rolland's birthday today, I might try to give him a call. Drop off a card?

Tyler wants to hike Ramona Falls today, I am.... daunted. I am totally wiped out from getting my blood drawn and then doing a really hard silks workout and a hard bike ride with Cynthia last night. But I miss Tyler and I love the mountain and I've never seen Ramona Falls. I will go do something hard and just, try to bring a really good meal.

After the blood draw yesterday, I stopped by a new-to-me Fred Meyer store that was nearby to pick up something for Josh, and checked their Halloween selection just to kind of treat myself. I found their very last purple and black bats sweater and nabbed it. There was a cute grey and black one with skulls and broken hearts too, but I waited on that one. I also grabbed a cute little black dress with printed tiny cherries dotted all over it, a little dark red sweater to pair with the dress, a bright orange funky floral printed sundress that will go with a rusty sweater I have, for brunches/dinners out, and some cute spiderweb Halloween leggings because I can never have too many leggings.

K need to do a couple difficult-for-me purchases and then hop in the shower and get going.

Josh is leaving for Yosemite today and I am so scared to be alone for ten days, after already being so withdrawn and lonely. I hope I can find some people who will tolerate my presence. I feel very unwanted and useless and rejected. I hope to find a way to change that feeling a little bit. Because I don't know if I can live with it, if it continues for much longer.

Wings, I still need time to work on that. Maybe Monday.

Okay off I go to work on some stuff and make some food and head to my beloved mountain.

The light and the air and everything is so beautiful, right now. I love September.

I am exhausted but feeling a little less hopeless, tonight. At least I have fun, meaningful, purposeful work. This is so much more than most people can say.

Life is so wonderful in so many ways. My sweet loving loyal adorable kind intelligent thoughtful caring husband. His sweet parents. My darling cat. My gentle home. The fact that I can curl up in bed with youtube at 7:30pm if I feel like that's what I need to do, and nobody gets mad at me. The birds in the morning. Stripy socks and cozy hoodies. Quiet evenings. Healthy food. Non-alcoholic beer. And real pumpkin beer stashed in the fridge, whenever I decide it's time to indulge. A roasted pumpkin waiting to become pie. Purple and orange mums in cute little red pots. (It's okay that they're temporary.) I actually like that it's getting darker earlier, I like the darkness. I love the stars and the moon and the moodiness of nighttime. The way it softens the harshness of life. Whatever happens after sundown doesn't really count, there's just so much less pressure. Candle flame and audiobooks and baking pumpkin spiced molasses cookies and watching old movies too many times.

September might be the best month.

If we count life as beginning from conception, I am a September creation.

I am tired.

Overate today but it was all healthy stuff so I am not upset about it. If I am overeating kale and fennel and tofu and hemp seeds then all is well.

(I had a few crackers and they were wonderful.)

Hope to rally enough this evening to bake a pumpkin pie.

My face is flaking off in little chunks. But hopefully this will mean clearer skin in the future.

A little stressed about ordering supplies but maybe some n/a pumpkin beer will help.

It's the little things that will get me through. When my skin is too flaky to go dancing.

My dermatologist bill was $300. AFTER insurance I guess? To shoot me with liquid nitrogen for a few seconds. Impressive.

I guess that's $150 in pre-pandemic money. Everything costs twice as much.

I still don't like living in this house. I still hate that every day I open the door and it smells like some sort of weird gross toxic scented carpet powder. Like someone else lives here. No matter how much I vacuum.

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I am starting to think that my depression is not something to try to fix. But to try to sink into fully. I can find such beautiful little moments of joy. It's as if, because I live in so much profound darkness, so much of the time... when a little light does manage to slip through, I am absolutely rapt with delight over its beauty, and swept away by such gratitude, blinded by my good fortune, for those few small moments that I can fully immerse myself in the happiness of those little moments. Getting drenched in the rain under a cozy raincoat with my soggy sunflowers and my pumpkin spice latte, for instance. Or, the happy crispy sounds of crunching on popcorn. Or the smell of freshly baked quiche in the morning. Or the delighted text from the husband when he finds the peaches I chopped up for him on his shelf in his fridge, "OMG the peaches!" :) Josh loves summer fruit. Especially when someone else slices it for him.