serafaery

erf, I have been running nonstop since about 6:20am. Avalanche woke me up early, I rose to a colorless sunrise, beautiful in its own way. Not colorless, it was blue/white/grey.

Took my sunrise walk after trying (and failing) for my birthday lookout tower booking. My ethernet cable arrives today so hopefully hardwiring into our cable service will help speed up my booking requests, I have used this hack before with successful results, though it's been a few years. I think our service is just a little slower out here in the 'burbs.

Morning coffee and brushing with Avalanche, while feeding crows and enjoying neighbor cat visits.

Scheduled dishwasher help, they're coming in an hour or two. I still need to take everything out from under the sink, and clean the floors, but otherwise I'm ready for them. Moved the cars so they can come in through the garage, removed and washed every dirty dish (of course the dishwasher was entirely full of dirty dishes when it decided to act up). The third/last batch is currently drying on the counter on some towels, since we don't have a drying rack at.

Jumped on my bike at 9:30am to try to beat the rain. It was perfect timing, I got home at 10:15 and as soon as I got into Josh's car to move it out of the garage, the rain began.

Made myself breakfast and cooked Josh and I a bunch of food - a pan full of cauliflower mushrooms, a huge purple sweet potato that we split, the last of the paleo bison meatballs re-heated for Josh, a giant pan of collard greens with carrots and chioggia beets, all from the farmers market last week (except the sweet potato, there are some yams that can grow here but no purple sweet potatoes as of yet).

I spilled powdered dish detergent into the dishwasher while trying to clean it for the service people so that took forever to clean.

I keep finding more Halloween tidbits to pack away, part of me just wants them out year round, I think. Pretty sure I got everything now except the spiderweb mat and the porch lights.

It is an icy cold rain despite it being in the low 50s, the droplets feel like icemelt.

I have some work to do and I do need to clean my room, but right now roasting a pumpkin and baking it into pie feels more urgent. After the dishwasher service happens, I'll see how I feel.

Just catching my breath before going back to clear out everything under the sink (mostly recycling and cleaning supplies) and sweeping and wiping down the kitchen floor.

We'll figure out which kitchen breaker does the dishwasher when the guy gets here.

I am so glad I am home for this today, it's nice to get it over and done with sooner rather than later, Josh was very anxious to get it done today. I am less concerned - if any appliance was to go, this is the easiest to do without. However, I do not want to risk ignoring a hidden leak behind or underneath it, so, best to address it now.

Movie and a beer might have to happen tonight. Maybe some piano and some painting? I couldn't practice piano last night, Josh got all snuggled into his cozy corner on the couch and I just can't bear to disturb him when he's in his little comfort nest. He never used to nest like that, I find it so adorable. I also feel proud of myself for setting up such a cozy corner, with the couch and its pillows and blankets, the cute fabric log storage/drink/snack/book holders, the cute little space heater, and the TV situated just right.

I am so chilled. Despite the settings being the same indoors in the winter and summer, 68 just seems so frigid all the time. Hanging out with my own space heater at my desk at the moment, trying to get up the energy to dry and put away dishes and clean the floors for the repair visit. My nose is frozen and running a little. I dunno why I'm just always so cold lately.

The leaves are winding down and it's kind of needed because we have so little light now, that the bare branches let more of the light through to reach us.

Welllll, I didn't have emptying out and hand washing all the dishes from the dishwasher on my list today, but here we are. I've never had a dishwasher but it appears as if it refuses to drain, so I will pick a repair company and hopefully someone can come soon to help. I just don't want to risk a leak. So back to handwashing for a bit. At least I'm used to it!

We're one week away from our move-in anniversary. I should have known the dishwasher would be the first thing to go lol.

I should tackle the windows first since the light will fade soon (it's 3pm and already getting dark, ugh PNW darkness, why must you be so loooooooooong).

I'll take down the rest of the Halloween stuff in the process.

Then do the kitchen floor so the repair guy isn't too grossed out lol.

Priorities.

If that's as far as I get today I'll be happy, I'm still nauseated and really tired. Oh and piano practice, I won't skip that. Fortunately tomorrow is work-from-home time so I can catch up on laundry and whatever else I didn't get to, or at least keep chipping away at it.

Looks like I might try to pull a triple-header on Thanksgiving (Dog Mt with Tyler in the morning, or some other hike, step-fam at 2pm, Cynthia's at 5ish), but fortunately I can take an extra day off that week if I need to.

I get a migraine every Thanksgiving without fail. This will be no exception, I'm sure. I refuse to drink, mostly because it's the holiday that makes me want to drink the most. (From stress, rather than joy, even though the whole point is togetherness that I do find incredibly important and full of joy. It's just all the prep in order to provide enough to feel that I've earned a place at the table that ends up overwhelming me, every year. Especially when I'm the only one in my step-or-otherwise family who values healthy plant-based meals. My mom used to put bacon on my plate when I visited and would bark "one piece won't kill you" after I went veggie, just to give a sense of the vibe.)

Doubt I'll make it out dancing tonight, I feel too icky. I keep eating gentle carbs but alas, I still feel queasy. Really wanted to ride my bike and do silks too but that will have to wait. It's okay. One thing at a time. lil Avalanche is following me around, such a sweetie.

I read 11 Swans by Hans Christian Andersen today, it's really beautiful. There's a whole collection of his stories free on my audiobook app. Yay. First-world delights! The crazy loveliness that comes with being here now.

…(later)

Got all the windows washed, tired from all the climbing around and moving everything. Taking a water break before cleaning the counters, putting everything back, packing up all the Halloween stuff and putting it back in the garage, and tackling the dishes since the dishwasher won’t work. Then I’ll do the floors. Watching Clean With Barbie helps a lot. These channels are the best because they can clean for free in exchange for the YouTube revenue they get from the cleaning videos they make. The cleaners who do this work are very hard working and very empathetic and non judgmental and kind and seem to just genuinely want to help people. Watching them makes me realize that there is something angelic about being able to clean a living space, so then it makes me feel like a little secret angel in my own house. Josh would never wash down windows or window frames, or cabinets or appliances, but the dust and grime builds up if you just ignore it, and even if you don’t notice it, it can cause negative health effects over time. I think a lot of why Josh doesn’t clean is societal messaging, but also a big portion is because he can’t see well enough. His vision just filters out details. So he will never really realize the work I do, I just have to be happy in myself for keeping a clean and safe home for both of us. I’m glad I have Barbie and also Midwest magic cleaning - but that guy is taking a break after losing his grandma. Can you imagine being 50 and losing a grandma? Mine died when I was 20, the one that was still alive when I was born, that is. Her husband, my grandpa on moms side, died when I was 12. Dad’s parents weren’t alive to meet my brother or me. I often wonder about how much better life would have been with grandparents. A lot of the early deaths in my family I think stem from poverty. And substance abuse, in both my parents’ cases. Destitution and alcoholism are a deadly combo, I guess.

I think part of the reason I struggle so much in my group therapy is because of the class differences of our childhoods. In twelve step, when I did AlAnon, the groups for families of alcoholics (it’s the same 12 steps with a few word changes), a much bigger majority of folks came from the same level of financial strain. It seems like it shouldn’t matter so much, but when you come from closer to the bottom rung, classism feels a lot more strong of a social handicap than anyone can tell from higher up on the ladder. The self-consciousness and stark differences in values forever haunts me. When people talk about shopping or clothing brands or art collections or just “nice stuff” in general, not just houses and cars and vacations, which are the most obvious.

It’s painful.

Especially around holidays.

But then when words like “estate” or “probate” or “inheritance” or even “funeral” come up, it gets even more painful how humiliating it is to not even understand what those words mean. I mean, I know in concept what a funeral is supposed to be, but despite all my family members but my brother being dead, and several friends, I’ve still never been to one. Who can afford that?

It’s funny how house cleaning and storage bins for decorations brings up morality and poverty for me like this. It happens a lot.

Back to Barbie’s channel. She’s very motivating.

...(even more later)

Josh came home in the middle of me washing dishes so I had to pivot a bit, there's still a bit to finish. Got all the cabinets wiped down, I'll finish the dishes and sweep/mop the floor after he goes to his room or at least gets out of the kitchen.

I still need to practice piano at some point.

Got all the Halloween packed away except for some lights that are still on the porch, I'll get them tomorrow (along with the candles that are already in the garage but not packed up yet), and then be done with all that stuff.

Water break, will rest and catch my breath and watch more Clean With Barbie and then get back to it. I'll call the repair guys about the dishwasher tomorrow I guess. It's possible we'll just have to replace it but that's not the end of the world, I just hope it doesn't end up creating a bigger issue with the imperfect plumbing job our inspector warned us about in the kitchen.

It's been such a pretty November so far. A little bit disconcerting, but. We have had one frosty morning, at least. Mostly it rains all night and then we get sparkling sunshine in the day. What could be better? The leaves are falling falling falling. We sweep and rake and blow and they recollect like nothing happened. It'll be sad when they're all done, the process is so beautiful. The blanketed ground and the floating floating colors.

Avalanche was so excited by the leaves every time the wind blew, yesterday. She would stare up with HUGE eyes and then dart around the yard, unable to pinpoint any to pounce so just running every which-way. Soooooo cute. This is her first real fall outside where she can run. She's overstimulated by crunchy leaves skipping down the roof toward her.

I'm so glad to be sitting here, sipping delicious brewed coffee at my desk. Josh wanted me to go to Hood River to visit a new cafe and then hike with him and hang out while he did some bouldering after the hike, but I had already had ideas of a day home full of going to the farmers market, taking down Halloween, housework, more window-washing, laundry, sweeping up the leaves and vacuuming, cleaning my completely destroyed bedroom, baking quiche and banana bread, donating more to the thrift store, I am trying to teach myself how to whiten dingy rags and things (I followed directions on some no eco-something cleaner that touted exactly this capability, and the rags literally look browner than when I started, so I'm experimenting with bleach now), piano practice, a bike ride in the sun, silks inside, and nursing this queasiness that hasn't gone away since the birthday brunch with Josh's mom, yesterday. I made the mistake of waaaay over-eating fish, Josh ordered a fish plate and I agreed to "help" and I know he doesn't like taking fish home as leftovers, so I tried really hard to finish it but I was already entirely full after half of the salad I bought, which had a thick creamy dressing that did not agree with me at all, but instead of listening to my own needs I tried to do what Josh wanted and ended up making myself very ill. Next time I will just take home the fish, it keeps just fine and I know that, he doesn't ever think fish will be good after being left for even five minutes outside of a fridge, his mom is like this, too. But that is incorrect, especially when you're at a high quality eatery.

Anyway. I wanted to support his needs today, "I can't go out on weekdays like you can," he kept whining. But my foot is a bit sore to be hiking hard, and I really dislike sitting around watching him rock climb, and having to think about the fact that I can't do it anymore because of my arthritic feet. It's really depressing and upsetting and while last night, I was willing to compromise in order to take care of him, because I love him, and because I worry about him bouldering alone, and he was so sad that none of his friends could go; this morning he was so cranky and rude to me, that all my ability to sacrifice for him just fizzled. (I think this was because I refused to let him sleep in my bed last night, but I was still nauseated and also I've been neglecting my own care for his for days so my room is in shambles and I don't feel comfortable having someone else in it when there is this much clutter everywhere. His eyesight is not good, especially in the dark, and he will step on stuff and trip and crash and it makes me worry that he'll hurt himself trying to navigate my messes.) Finally after packing and preparing for a while this morning I said, "I just don't think I should go," mostly because my nausea and headache from the fish over-eating hasn't gone away yet. (I so rarely eat meat anymore, and if so very small amounts, so my body is just freaking out.)

He accepted this answer graciously, which I wasn't sure would happen based on how cranky he was all morning, but he accepted my desire to practice piano and go to the farmers market and do housework, which he knows I struggle to do when he is home.

I am sooooooo grateful for a day in the house by myself. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. I am so happy.

Avalanche came inside to be near me, I think she can tell I am not feeling very good.

Will get dressed and head to the market in a little bit.

...

I gave myself my first B12 injection this morning. It was nerve-wracking but turned out to be super easy. The kit came with pre-assembled needles, the dose is actually only 1mg so half what I got the other two times. I didn't feel it. It went in easily. I think I might bump up the next dose to 2mg since I know that works for me, and do it once a week instead of half the amount 2x per week as recommended, just for a little less hassle.

I did this in my thigh instead of my arm as it's a much easier place to self-inject for an intramuscular injection.

Several minutes later, I noticed a gentle twitching in my thigh muscle. Nothing scary or that felt bad at all, but I felt it. I didn't remember feeling this in my arm so I googled: "Is thigh muscle twitching normal after a vitamin injection" and got this response (I did not mention what kind of vitamin in my query):

"Yes, it is common for muscles to twitch after certain vitamin injections, as this is often a benign reaction to the body adjusting to new nutrient levels or the physical stimulation of the injection site.

Nerve Repair and Adjustment: When correcting a Vitamin B12 deficiency, twitching is frequently reported as a sign of nerves healing or the body converting the vitamin to repair protective nerve layers."

This makes it sound like my poor leg is like, "omg FINALLY the stuff I need to repair, THANK YOU!" lol.

It could also be just a normal reaction to having a needle inserted, but either way it's harmless.

I feel SO incredibly lucky to have figured this B12 stuff out! AND that there just happens to be so much access to GLPs online right now, because the site where I got the B12 is a GLP1 website, which also offers vitamin support for people taking them. I asked my doctors for help and all they had to offer was to schedule an appointment "to talk about it" so I'm not wasting my time with that. They've already failed me enough.

The dose costs me about $16 each this way, instead of $30 or $40 having someone else inject me, plus whatever other appt charges they might have.

...

Geese just flew right overhead. Avalanche and I are enjoying their flight :)

...

Could not sleep last night to save my life, but, it is probably because I had way too much coffee yesterday. Was trying to fend off the headache and fatigue after the too-heavy fishy breakfast. Tonight will be better, and I can rest between chores.

...

New moon tonight. I'm supposed to go dance tonight at the club for a regular's birthday, and I can actually go because I set aside tomorrow as a work-from-home day yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

...

I think my incisions on my arm with the stitches are finally starting to heal, they are still red and sore but less so, one of them is almost not at all red anymore, yay.

...

Tyler's going to join me for Thanksgiving at Cynthia's since Josh decided to go hang out with his parents and their friends instead of coming with me to my step-family's stuff. I am still frustrated by this, I understand that he doesn't like their food or really their company very much, but it's embarrassing showing up without my spouse. But at least bringing Tyler to Cynthia's afterward can help salvage my holiday a bit. Having a backup husband is highly recommended. Just don't tell Tyler I called him that, lol.

...

It would be wonderful if I could allow myself the time to paint, at some point this week. There is no therapy this week due to Veteran's Day, that might help! Three hours of my life back.

I still haven't had my pumpkin beer ritual. Maybe that Wednesday would be a good time to paint and have a pumpkin beer. After my piano lesson? We'll see.

...

erf so tired. Maybe I'll skip the market, today. My desire to roast a chicken (mostly so that I can make bone broth from scratch) is pretty much gone after the fish incident yesterday. I don't think I'm going to want any animal products for a while. And I have a ton of veggies from visiting the People's farmers market on Wednesday, so I think I'm set for a bit. Looking forward to baking a sweet potato for myself and doing chores, and listening to my book.

"What if there is no hell, or no one wants us there? Ever think of that?"

What if all this is a little lie?
What if all my sins never met a god?

Halloween craziness and work have taken up too much of my energy and time the last several days for me to make space for piano practice, but I finally got in a good session tonight. I want to be more consistent but it will take time to establish a habit. For whatever reason, I prefer to practice in the evenings, mornings and piano just don't get along as well in my brain for whatever reason - I find this odd because most everything feels better in the mornings. Except this one thing. I guess crafting is the same way. Maybe I just do better with art/creativity/right-brained activities later in the day, and more rational type work (I do well on the computer or writing or exercising/working out) in the mornings. Really exercise is best for me mid-day, between 10am-2pm. But I can hike whenever.

I wish I had more days off, I want to hike and do silks and ride bikes with Cynthia before I have to go back to work but I also have therapy and piano taking up most of my Wednesday and there is all the regular day to day chores to try to keep up with plus Halloween to put away, but so glad at least I got through today and ate some good food and practiced some piano and I'm so ready to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Might need to run away to the coast tomorrow. Maybe I can fit a short silks session in before I go? One can hope.

Need to get new estrogen patch going also.

Oh and need to track down where my diazepam I picked up tonight ended up, I remember thinking I had an empty bag in my hand but that's because it had nothing but a tiny pill bottle inside. Need to make sure I didn't lose it, I think it's around somewhere.

Getting anxious about anti-anxiety meds lol.

Youtube and a heating pad plz k thx.

Crashed pretty hard off the Halloween high, which I was expecting, it's just what my body does. If I get really happy and push myself pretty hard then I get really exhausted after. I'm okay just have had a headache and body aches for two days. Low energy. I cannot sleep to save my life. I should have tried my new sleep med (hydroxafine? it's a very low-dose antihistamine with a drowsiness side-effect) last night, but the last time I tried it the next morning felt bad, so now I'm nervous to try again. I should give it another chance though because it could have just been a coincidence or something else that made me feel so disoriented and forgetful.

...
( some sexy body stuff TMI prolly )

...

Beautiful sunshine, so so cold, Avalanche is in here snuggled up in bed instead of outside watching birds and squirrels.... About to throw on some work clothes and head off to sparkle all day. I baked a crisp and will make Josh a simple lunch before I go, and pack my own lunch also. I am grateful that I have kind and magical people to sparkle today, I am so so tired and just wish I could sleep. I also desperately need an office day to clean my workspace and catch up on online stuff, but that will just have to wait until next week, I did not listen to myself and book the time off that I knew I needed, but it's so hard to know weeks in advance how one will feel later - at the time I was full of energy and ready to sparkle everyone everyday forever.

I also need an art day (or year) to work on my creative things, there is so much I want to do, art-wise, that just doesn't get prioritized. I think this would feed my soul but I haven't learned to make it a priority.

...

Need to put away Halloween decor and work on more decluttering, indoors as the garage is still full of emotional landmines.

...

My depression seems well managed at the moment, I blame the B12, sunshine, and generally good happy existence I lead, and some mental gymnastics I've done recently to be able to maintain this. I am sort of realizing that just as I have chronic physical problems that need consistent attention and management and active work to keep at bay so I can function, my mood is similar. I need to keep up with this like hygiene, morning/evening walks and exercise, using my SAD lamp, eating dark leafy greens daily, taking my supplements, making time for the piano, listening to good books, a slower pace at work, letting myself get creative and playful, prioritizing time with Josh and dancing and social time with friends, drinking a lot of coffee, paying attention to the birds and whatever beauty I can find around me, not slacking on strength training, giving myself grace for falling behind on yard care or voting, letting myself have and wear nice things from time to time, heat treatment when I can, getting out into the woods when I can. I'm doing better.

Some days 51 doesn't feel very old at all :)

Need another B12 shot, maybe I can try to book that today. Halp.

...

Crashed super early with a migraine last night and heard barred owls later in the evening. When I finally stirred awake after their calls subsided, I found Avalanche next to me, staring up into the trees. Her cat door was still open and she could have been outside, but I have a feeling she knew better than to risk it. She did not stop staring up into the trees for a very long time, even after the owls had long gone silent.

...

I saw such a perfect beautiful little moon and star directly overhead during my morning walk today, there was just a perfect gap in the clouds to see them for a little while. I'm so grateful for the beautiful crisp fall November weather rn. It's COLD but GORGEOUS. So many red crossbills and many many other birds on my walk. The varied thrush sounds otherworldly.

..

I baked a pear/grape crisp this morning! The whole house smells heavenly.

I had a spectacularly crazily incredibly fun Halloween and I am soooooo high from it.

Today I will go visit crows again with a faery friend after work and then tonight I will light all of my candles for all of my loved ones who are gone. There will be more costume parties tonight but I will stay in and bake and be cozy. I still haven't baked anything! But I made more pumpkin soup, which finally came together perfectly, I fixed the first batch, all it needed was a sprinkle of poultry seasoning, it's so festive and comforting.

Will post some crow wing photos later. I am so lucky I made myself go down there for that event downtown yesterday, I love the Darcelle XV plaza they made, it's so beautiful, I loved everyone's costumes and joyfulness and the love of crows was just so heartwarming. I was able to pick up a paint-your-own-crow kit that could only be purchased in person that day, I cannot describe how happy this makes me, I am so in love with the laika crows and now I have my own tiny one. They only made 1000 so my crow will likely remain unpainted, at least for a while, but, when the moment is right, I think something very very magical will come of this.

Off to werk and then to play! Andrea gifted me the sweetest little bag of goodies so I need to return the favor to her. But first, shower!

I am so happy. I will write more about all the magic of yesterday later. The weather was spectacular. After a week of solid rain, we had the thickest dreamiest ethereal fog, and I rode up to the water tower for exercise on my bike in the morning and broke through the fog into sunshine at the top. We were treated to chilly bright sunshine once it all burned off. The way the colors of the leaves are glowing, against the fog and then in the sun, it's just, so much beauty.

The moon was so astonishingly beautiful this morning on my rainy walk, during which, in the span of ten minutes, the clouds parted and the rain stopped and everything was so beautiful and soft and damp and alive and simple and the moon just glowed and glowed and glowed as if it were the middle of the night but it was light out.

I have a bajillion things to do tonight before Cynthia's birthday, I am feeling silly and giddy with too-much-to-do-ness - can I get laundry done in the midst of all of it?

Time to rinse hair dye and shower, eat something, and figure out where to go from there. Josh's lunch is cooked, therapy is done, dishes desperately need attention but the shower needs to happen first.

Sunshine between the rain spells. The most Octobery October ever. I am high on it. I wish I could fit in pumpkin pie and carving! I just might try.

Didn't quite get to the housework or baking, but we're enjoying the pumpkin soup and I decided to do a sunset hike up to Pittock Mansion (please pronounce this "PITtuck"), via the wildwood trail in forest park, to see the crow that's up there, it was a good 6 mile hike due to me getting turned around a bit on the trails, whoops.

It was a nice distraction from the cramps. They're still there but I had other things to think about, like how not to slip in the mud in the dark while hiking down with my headlamp lol.

It's cold and wet but there was a break in the rain, hence the sudden impulse to hike. (In an urban setting because I'm still a bit nervous to go on the highway.)

This weather means that Avalanche comes inside for snuggles more often. It's so cute how she just wants to be inside with me, when I'm home, curled up nearby, this makes me very happy.

Had lots of veggies today, taking a break from the Halloween candy, still indulging in a little bit of popcorn, though. Feeling profoundly cozy rn. I think I'll curl up with Avi and watch a little youtube before bed.

( In a little bit TMI health news, )

Really thankful for a work from home day, in a lot of pain and ready for a cozy day at home.

I've had increasingly painful menstrual cramps and more bleeding and it feels like I'm having two periods at once, it's day 10 and there is still breast tenderness and I started breaking out? Generally I don't have acne anymore. I have no idea what's going on but I feel awful.

If it continues I'll make an appointment. Since mom had endometrial cancer I am nervous that something is wrong with the uterus or its lining. I've never really had a lot of trouble in that area, I've gone through painful cramps here and there like everyone but it's never been chronic or long term, though there were days I just stayed in bed all day from it. I don't know. So uncomfortable and gross. At 51 most of my friends have stopped bleeding, even though most of them are 4-6 years younger than I am.

My hip is flaring up in pain, my feet are super painful, just everything hurts.

I realized I was doing that thing where I was cooking a bunch of beautiful healthy food for josh and then neglecting my own meals and just eating crackers and nuts and fruit all day, so I made a goal on my self-care app that literally says to cook my own veggies before Josh's. I've had to make this rule for myself before, I guess I slipped back into that old bad habit without realizing it.

...

I have a couple orders to ship out and otherwise I'm happy to stay home and work on laundry and cleaning.

Practiced piano this morning. It was NOT clicking like it has previously, but I struggled through. It's time for me to pay him and sign up for ongoing weekly Wednesday night lessons, I'm so happy about this, I think it will really help my confidence and mood, and will keep me off my phone and give me something gentle and healthy to do over winter.

Cooked myself some gorgeous veggies after, plus some really nice food for Josh. I seem to have fixed the pumpkin soup, it just needed a dash of ground poultry seasoning. I put fresh sage and rosemary in there but it needed a little more. It's perfect now. I might have not liked my serving yesterday partially because I ate it cold.

...

Can't believe it's almost Halloween! Still haven't carved my pumpkins, my fellow carvers bailed on me so I'll probably do it alone tonight. I don't mind, I absolutely love the process and it's completely absorbing and I get really creative with my designs, it'll be nice.

Cynthia's birthday tomorrow, so looking forward to spoiling her with tons of love.

I've watched Nightmare Before Christmas (3 times), Dark Shadows, and Sleepy Hollow (all Tim Burton). I might splurge for Netflix temporarily to watch the second season of Wednesday? (Also Tim Burton lol. I am partial to him.)

uuuggghhhh craaaaaamps :((((

Avalanche is curled up next to me. Nap time for sleepy kitties. We had a really nice cozy rainy morning together. There is a break in the rain at the moment but the skies are still cold and darkly overcast. Very PNW weather.

ugh I should work but I just want to sit here with the space heater on my midsection and not hurt. :(

Just going to relax for a few more minutes and then dive in. I'll get there. Maybe treat myself to a latte when finished. Sounds so comforting, and I love my little cafe so much.

Can I get laundry done, sweep and vacuum the floors, and bake a pumpkin pie? We shall seeeeeeeeeeeeee :)

The mums went on super sale and I have two more pots of them on the porch, purple and yellow. So cute. Our landscaping is depressing but the mums help.

Eeee a little rufus hummingbird is flitting about outside. I should consider feeding them, I guess, I see them constantly. I just have to make sure they still well away from Avalanche.

still not in a place to read journals but I will, I will.

The return of the rain has been a bit overwhelming, today. I went for my usual sunrise walk and it was beautiful. A couple very light whispers of raindrops and a silky pink and pastel blue stripy sunrise, with some vivid pink later for just a moment (after the most intense hot pink sunset last night with the nearly-full-moon rise). It started to rain as I made a detour to search for a missing kitten that I saw a sign for. Who loses a 7 week old kitten on a busy street. Just before a cold heavy rain sets in. Heartbreaking.

Hot coffee under the gazebo with Avalanche, she is undeterred by the rain, though she is eating more and coming inside to warm up and nap between outside adventures. (She's out right now. Brave happy kitten. She's got the coat for it.) Her winter coat is coming in, she's not shedding at all.

Not sure if I mentioned that I finally put up a little bit of Halloween, it's gently festive, it's a hodgepodge of thrifted items and nothing matches or makes sense but it makes me happy anyway. Low impact decor is my jam.

...

Josh was so spun out and upset about his shoulder this morning, he's been like this for days. It's been three weeks and he's getting exasperated at the lack of healing, but it's nerve damage and he's new to this, nerves take several months if not longer to mend.

I decided to gently distract and encourage him with silks. He resisted at first and looked so distraught, but I kept adjusting and finding more gentle things for him to try (he can pull but not push), so eventually he got warmed up and cheered up a little bit, and actually started to play and have fun. I joined in and also played and had fun, and did far more of a workout than I had intended.

We were both happy and smiling at the end of this gentle aerial workout session together, and I thanked him with tears in my eyes just for being in my life. I don't think I would have gotten up on silks and played if I didn't have him to tend to and encourage, and the fact that he was willing to try even though he was upset and nervous meant a lot. I'm so lucky to have him. He makes my life better in so many ways.

I have been tearful all day, at random happy things, and random sad things. I texted back and forth with Cynthia's best friend Cindy today for the first time, and I realized I am slowly falling in love with her, and I am so so so happy to have reached a new level of closeness with her. I noticed this at the pumpkin patch, when I had picked up on her being in a lot of pain, and also underdressed, which I tried to ease by giving her gloves and holding her gently and trying to encourage her to be easy on herself, and also to commiserate - it's nice to know I'm not the only 51 year old with lumbar spine bone spurs. She also has a rare form of cancer that is uncurable but manageable with drugs (weekly painful injections), and only one lung, which people forget because she behaves normally and is so careful not to draw attention to herself or try to fish for pity. These are serious and I try to remember and consider her weaknesses and defend her when her husband or friends try to push her if she starts to flag. She has a harder time just getting through each day than most people, and her friends forget. She makes it easy to forget, but I am making an effort to be considerate of her disabilities and I think she notices and appreciates it. We are different emotional creatures, but we are both depressed, and I think I can find a lot of comfort in both our similarities and our differences, if I just keep trying. If Cynthia loves her so much, I feel confident that she is worth loving.

...

Finally roasting my giant kabocha squash that I want to make into soup. I can't remember what I wanted to do with this day originally, but after Josh and I got so drenched and chilled at the farmers market, I have pivoted to cooking and watching more spooky movies. I settled in with a space heater and a third viewing of Nightmare Before Christmas while Josh ran off to do errands, Avalanche joined me for this. My sweetest happy cat. Who just loves to be close by. She slept with us last night. I have been asking Josh to join me in bed more often and it's been really nice. There are times I really want to sleep alone, but it's gotten so cold, and I get lonely when I wake up at 2am.

He's off at the gym to lift and try out the sauna there. He went to a sauna with his friend last night and experienced a complete relief of his shoulder pain while in the heat, so now he's interested in more of that.

This is inspiring me to finally scrub out my bathtub so that I can have a proper bath, something I've not done since we moved into this house, 11 months ago.

...

So, instead of trying to go out or do anything else athletic or cardio-based (I was considering going to the gym for the elliptical or bike or maybe a swim, but now I'm just too tired to even imagine doing that), I think I will try to make a giant batch of pumpkin ginger carrot soup, while also cutting up carrot sticks for Josh for the week (he likes to dip them in hummus), I am cooking a fancy piece of meat that's been in the freezer for months and needs to be enjoyed before it gets freezer burnt, also. If all goes well I may keep going and bake an apple/pear crisp and/or a pumpkin pie. I'd really like to make some cookies but maybe that can be later in the week.

I am a little woozy from too many Halloween candies, they are so so good but my waistline disagrees. I think also upping the estrogen is causing some weight gain and bloating, it's uncomfortable but I can manage, I will keep working at it and try to stay active during this wet rainy week, one way or another.

Sleepy Hollow is free on Josh's youtube account so I will put that on shortly. Drinking black chai in the crow cup Natasha bought me recently, I am so so sleepy and it's already after 4pm.

I wish mom could be here to enjoy this with me. I wish I could feel as if part of her is still here in some way, the way I sometimes feel with others who have died. I don't know.

Three big orders to box up before morning, I want to mail them before work tomorrow if I can.

Piano practice needs to happen at some point. I actually look forward to this. I'm so elated that after several failed attempts, I seem to have found a teacher and a system that will actually work for me.

I hope I can learn a christmas song or three over the next month or so, even if they are super simple. Piano songs don't have to be complicated to be pleasant.

Part of what inspired the piano was Andrea, at her memorial her partner talked about her "shredding" on the piano. Such a multitalented enchanted little angel wisp. I want her back.

I want Patty back.

I want my dad back. He would have been 84 this month. He would have made a sassy 84 year old, I imagine. All white and bushy and snarky, and grateful for every moment spent with his kids. My poor parents. They deserved gentler lives, with the support they needed. They deserved longer lives free of cancer and pain and so much sickness. So unfair. I don't know why I got spared their fate thus far. But I credit their efforts - they bent over backwards to make sure I felt loved, and to give me a chance to develop discipline and passion and creativity and self-improvement, in spite of all their struggles and lack of the same support they tried to hard to provide to me. They were imperfect but they tried so hard. That's what matters most.

I wish I didn't feel quite so sleepy! Glad I bought that happy lamp.

Time to check on the squash, it's starting to smell squashy :)

Behind on reading journals, looking forward to settling down and catching up with all of them. Normally I read everything immediately and voraciously, but it has been a very busy week and a very emotional, full, difficult day, running nonstop from 6am to right about now.

Sparkling for Patty's memorial was so wonderful in so many ways but also so incredibly heart-wrenching and also there were about four times as many people as wanted sparkles as I could get to, which is stressful for me. I very much want to please everyone and it was just impossible. I did come home with a ton of thanks (I was a huge hit, fairy hair was a huge part of Patty's identity) and a giant bouquet of flowers, which is lovely. Patty showed up in my dreams last night to say a quick hello. I burst into tears when I arrived and made her sister cry. I am not done crying over her.

But with her, like my mom, the tears come with a wish that one day my memories of her will be joyful ones, because she was absolutely made of pure joy. She had so so so many friends. I am so frustrated that she was taken from us. But also so grateful to be able to share some of her sparkles with her friends. It hurts, but I'm grateful for what was. And what still is. Kind of like life.

I was struggling struggling struggling after I got home to rally for going to Cynthia's tonight to carve pumpkins. I kept eating and eating to try to get up the energy for it. A tofu dog, another tofu dog, a bowl of bean noodles and veggies, popcorn, halloween candy, almonds, more almonds, nothing was cutting it.

But then I realized that I really just don't want to go. I did when it was just going to be me, Cynthia, and Kelly. But now it's ballooned to nine girls, and they are all drinkers, and I just don't want to be in a room full of loud drunk girls with knives, and probably not the kind of history that I have with pumpkin carving. I hate being in a group like that because I feel left out and not a part of their drinky world, I am jealous and want to join, but also don't want to ingest toxic carcinogens that I know make me feel terrible in the long run.

I thought, if I stay home, I can practice piano, I can watch a spooky movie on the couch while Josh is away on a date (permitted - not a sexy date but they do seem to like each other a lot, which I think is good for him, given that I can't connect with him physically right now), and drink fake beer without feeling left out of anything, I can carve pumpkins with Andrea and Stephanie later in the week instead, women who love it with the same deep nostalgic fervor that I do. Neither of them drink or do any drugs at all. Bonus.

...

The sunset was absolutely spectacular tonight, and the almost-full moon is shrouded in a misty spooky blanket of haze. It's so perfect.

...

No spooky movie until I'm done with practice. Off I go.

the only thing that is getting me through this moment is the singing of the redwinged blackbird somewhere not far from my bedroom window.

What a ridiculously beautiful day.

Work was utter delight. There was coffee and there were treats. Delightful conversation. And so many persimmons. I picked a grocery bag full on Thursday. I am giving them away by the handfuls, and eating as many as I share.

Also Halloween chocolate. Sinful indulgences this year include kitkat and 3 muskateers, I normally only buy organic fair trade chocolate, but the nostalgia and need for comfort outweighed my greater ethical concerns, this time. small sins. When was the last time i even tasted a 3 musketeers bar? They are HEAVEN omg. (only the "fun" size though.)

I do also have organic fair trade chocolate. And little trick-or-treat sized bags of lesser evil popcorn lol.

treats! happiness.

Cooked Josh his usual pot of rice and beans with assorted veggies and salsa and cheese on top, with fish filets in the cast iron.

Laundry needs attention but dishes are done.

Dinner was mung bean noodles with broccoli and tomato sauce, and a bowl of broccoli and cabbage sprouts with hemp seeds and olive oil. I ate my last two meatballs that I had cooked for Josh in an attempt to make myself reacclimate to eating meat, but I hated it and wish I'd just eaten tofu. I think I'd rather pay for B12 shots and eat tofu dogs. But, I tried. They were paleo bison (ground meat with organ meat included), I put onion and garlic and tomato sauce and a handfull of bread crumbs and fresh rosemary in the meatballs.

Bought myself n/a beer, new kitchen towels, some medicine cabinet supplies (athletic tape and dressing wrap, since we had none, new box of bandaids, and some cold and flu softgels, just in case, oh and fresh rubbing alcohol since the old one I have is way past its expiry date and didn't sting at all when I used it this morning, which maybe means my wounds are already closed but also maybe means it's evaporated too much to be of much use), they are still out of Bar Keeper's Friend erf, and two discount mum pots, yellow and purple. So pretty.

I am happy with my low-key Halloween decor, it's a little here and there, it feels like just enough, I didn't want to buy anything new this year, other than the paint by numbers kits. Which it still hasn't gotten rainy enough for.

I practiced piano tonight - skipped yesterday as I crashed super hard after work, but tonight I set aside half an hour and ended up going for over an hour, just playing around. Avalanche joined me! First time practicing and I already have a piano cat. I am beyond elated. It felt really nice. I looked up my old sheet music for a simple version of Away in a Manger that I used to play every Christmas, and remembered enough to be able to sus out the notes play the right hand of the first page. There is only one flat in the arrangement and my hand vaguely remembers where the b flat is in this piece. I also played the first three little mini practice songs my teacher gave me and worked on memorizing Firefly. These have about the same complexity as twinkle twinkle little star but it just feels nice to let my hands and mind work at the keys and get used to them in an easy gentle way. I appreciate the gentle easy introduction. Not everyone knows how to teach this way. Rian is a natural at it though. And seems to have such an easy way about him, it is not at all stressful to make mistakes. I will bring him persimmons next week.

Did I mention that I cleaned my bathroom sink and counter top for the first time in probably six months. I have been so embarrassed and annoyed at not being able to tackle this and I just randomly did it at some point this week, just started scrubbing and wiping. Everything is so nice now. I hope I can keep it this way. I realized I need a new way to take off and keep my face jewels, I used to have a little box for them but I don't have one right now, I'll have to figure something else out so I can keep the counter clear and easy to clean. I am so happy about this.

I have clean sheets.

It's getting down into the 30s tonight. The rain should show back up on Sunday. We are having the driest October on record since 1991. I remember that year. That was the last fall before I went back to school (mom home-schooled me from grades 5-10, I went back halfway through my junior year to have at least a little bit of a high school experience).

Tired and content and in the mood for a little bit of spooky comfort movie time before bed. We'll see if I find any tim burton something-or-other to fall asleep with.

I’m so happyyyyyyyyyy

Just finished the yummiest dinner of baked yukon potato with veggie chili and spinach and a little bit of parmesan sprinkled on top, sooooooooooo good.

started my period (I guess, I don't even know what to think of these random days of bleeding anymore, they are so sporadic and clearly not related to reproduction), which means I get to eat anything I want, and this is exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it.

Still feeling the effects of the B12. Even though I was wiped out after work today and crawled into bed and slept when I got home, around 4:30pm, I got up around 6:30 and played with Avalanche and tidied up the kitchen and went for a 20min sunset walk and made myself dinner - all things I would not have done a few days ago. A few days ago my brain fog would have been too murky to rally myself into eating anything healthy, I would have told myself it is too late to eat which means I would have starved myself and eventually binged on crackers. A week ago I would have only had the energy to feed Avalanche, peel off the rest of my work clothes, and crawl back into bed, without even bothering to brush my teeth or wash my face.

Now that I've eaten something substantial and healthy and it's not even quite 8pm yet, I might still have an hour or two of energy left to fold laundry or clean my bathtub or wash my face and put on some skin cream or find a new book (NPR mentioned that Noah Adams has a memoir about learning piano in his 50s that I am intrigued by, I'm almost finished with Up On Cove Mountain - why I'm reading all these books about old white guys is anybody's guess lol) or build a fall playlist or wash some dishes or any number of small chores that are not much but also not nothing. Neglecting these things has really been adding up and weighing on me.

I would loooooooooooove to get Halloween decorations up, maybe I can start with a few tonight, at least some light strings outside?

I would also loooooooooooooove to hike tomorrow at the coast (with a stop for mushroom hunting on the way and a dip of toes into the sand and water after) after a super early appt with my dermatologist in which I'm pretty sure she's going to scoop out some chunks of skin on my arm - I've had moles biopsied before and it's gnarly, it's going to leave wounds. But much better to be safe than sorry.

...

After that crazy experience with the B12 shot, I called my botox lady on a whim after Josh tried to tell me to go to a medspa up the street that does them for $40. My lady does them for $30, she used to be a naturopath so was able to confirm some of what I had read online about it.

What Dr Griffin said: B12 is notoriously difficult to test. So a lot of NDs will just give someone a shot as a test, because if someone is not deficient, the reaction is harmless and not noticeable at all. There are no side effects for having extra B12. BUT, when someone IS deficient, the reaction can be really dramatic and immediately noticeable. She suggests doing shots every week for a month or two and then slowly ratcheting down to monthly and then maybe every other month for maintenance. Dr Griffin doesn't do extra services beyond botox and fillers in general, but she has B12 partly because she saw how helpful it was in her practice and also because of her own personal experience with her own reaction to it. So, that was really comforting and reassuring.

I'm seeing her on Thursday so I'm hoping we'll have time to add it on to my usual treatment.

After that I might look into getting a home injection kit as it is a lot less expensive that way, I just want to make sure I source it well. Cynthia should be able to help me with that.

It's just really wild how much better I feel. I am still a bit tired and droopy today, and a tiny bit extra anxious and sad, but I think a lot of that is due to poor sleep from eating bar food with Karissa last night, and despite all that, my brain fog is still nonexistent. My mood is meh but not tanked. My energy is flagging but I am not crushed. I imagine the effects will slowly fizzle until I get back to baseline after a few more shots. It would be so crazy if I could feel that good all of the time. I really thought it was just perimenopause and aging that was causing all of that. It is only causing some.

I also have a lot of symptoms of low thyroid function so I really do need to go on the hunt for another naturopath. I need someone who will be competent about testing, who will help me with thyroid assessment, a calcium score, a dexa scan, and managing my ferretin issues, among other things.

It just makes me feel so frustrated and sad that maybe my mom could have also been helped by B12 for like, so much of her life. I dunno though, she never got tired like I was, and she loved her steaks. She ate eggs every morning. But also she was running on so much alcohol.

...

It was nice catching up with Karissa, and being able to keep my eyes open past 7:30 while drinking n/a beer in a dive bar. (We were there until almost 10pm.) Friends are everything.

...

It's amazing how easy it is to get home from work during rush hour on surface streets. I am so lucky this works well and I guess just not a lot of people are traveling the direction I'm going. I am back to driving freeways somewhat, but boy am I cautious and jumpy, just on the road in general.

...

It was so sweet on Sunday, I was still flying high from the B12 and Josh and I had a nice gentle morning routine together and went to the farmers market and decided to go to Broder even though it was not a special occasion, it was just a gloriously beautiful day and I was so so happy, so we rode our bikes over there and took selfies with the troll and got seated at our favorite table with the otter and I gave our waiter persimmons from the tree by my work (Karissa and I also swapped persimmons for pineapple guava which is a new-to-me fruit!), and I was literally weeping with joy over how good the food was and how beautiful the day was and how happy I was. I think my body was just, so relieved to have that nutrient, and I was feeling the relief emotionally.

I was very very tempted to get a pumpkin cosmo that everyone was ordering, in part to make up for the lost pumpkin ale at the haunted corn maze, but a) I don't like vodka that much and b) they do now have evening cocktail hour at their Nord location (closer to my work but also closer to my friends) so instead of day drinking it might be nice to take a friend or three there some evening if I want to indulge in a small amount of alcohol.

...

Feeling a little sleepy tired cozy, I think more out of habit than anything. It's also gotten chillier now that the sun is down.

This has been the sunniest most summery October I can ever remember. I wish it were easier to go back and look at past weather patterns, because I vaguely remember an October similar to this when I was a child, and being so deliriously happy over basically getting a second summer, and just being in awe of the beauty of the sun and golden leaves every single day for well over a month. Every warm sunny sparkly bright day with golden leaves falling everywhere feels like such an extra special gift. Like the way Avalanche lifts her face to the breeze with that dreamy half-closed eye blissed out expression. It feels like that, every day. It's getting chillier at night and the mornings are nippy but the days are still sunlit and sparkling. It's so fun. We are all rejoicing. It is a little weird to not have the dreary cold weather required for baking and simmering chili and soups and watching spooky movies and donning our coziest sweaters and hats, but we are not complaining. We'll have plenty of time for all that, when it gets here.

...

Super early dermatology appt in the morning. Maybe snuggling up with youtube for the rest of the night is okay. I'll finish the dishes at least, maybe make some tea :)

okay this is a little bit hyper but I was just sparkling at a fitness event and someone offered me a free B12 shot and I took it on a whim - it's not like me to let anyone poke me with anything without being forced, let alone a supplement, but, the last ND I tried took 5 vials of blood from me only to botch my test and give me zero results and I've literally never had my B12 tested.

Anyway, I FEEL INCREDIBLE. I have been fighting severe fatigue for a year and severely increased depressive symptoms for two years. Normally by 7pm I am barely able to stay awake, it's 9pm and I'm bouncing off the walls after working for four hours at a busy sparkling event. I feel HIGH. My brain works. This is wild. I just jogged up the stairs with zero pain in my legs for the first time since we bought this house, even though I did Dog Mt on Tuesday and a hard bike ride Thursday and then danced for four hours Thursday night and Josh and I hiked Bull Mountain this morning.

Since I'm basically veg, I'm wondering if this has been a bigger issue than I realized for a really long time. It would be super neat if this is a real doable long term health solution. I cannot believe how good I feel right now, I feel so awake and clear, like even my vision feels more clear. That all over body pain that I've been trying to just sleep away for months is seemingly not present? This is pretty trippy.

I do eat an egg every other day or so and I have half a cup or so of yogurt almost every morning, but I guess maybe that's not enough. I am vaguely remembering that when I was taking a liquid multivitamin that had B12 in it I did feel slightly better for a minute. I only took that for like, two weeks though. Because it was a little bit too sugary. Hmm. I know there is some reason that some bodies just can't absorb B12 through the digestive system well and shots work a lot better for them, I don't understand the mechanism but I'm wondering if this is part of what's going on with me.

Do healthy people feel this good all of the time? Can you imagine?!?!? lol

Josh is researching B12 shots now because he's so happy to see me energetic and joyful lol.

I'm really glad I took that random sparkle job and then didn't bail on them at the last minute like I wanted to. Everyone was so kind and interesting and fun to talk to and it was such a nice vibe. Something in my deeper instincts told me this would be a good opportunity for me, even though it's not at all part of my usual rotation or part of town. I am so grateful. I also met one of the owners of Gnome and Faerie, a new restaurant near where I used to sparkle in the SE part of town, that was a happy coincidence, he and I have been messaging and trying to get together for a while, so it was super lucky to make that connection. Tayler the GM offered me a free class at the gym anytime I want, too, pretty nifty. :)

There is a little pale pink cyclamen flower that is native to this area, I see it scattered about the neighborhood, it all bloomed at once last week, I want to restore it to our yard. There are some tiny pinkish violets too. also some little whitish weedy flowers, and others I'm forgetting the colors of, I think there's some yellow stuff? I don't think these are the kinds of things you'd ever see even in a native plant store. How to go about this.

I want to add other natives, california poppy and douglas aster, I wish I had a good place for the native rhodie to go but the owners planted the asian kind instead (and they are dying, getting smothered by the star magnolia that is already too big to trim even with a hedge trimmer which I have still failed to purchase because I don't know how to shop for such a thing and my research has led me to zero more knowledge about which tool would be best for my needs).

I was going to cut down (with Tyler's help) the little japanese maple that's planted in a terrible place up against the front of the house, but a random branch reached out tonight when I got home and literally petted me on the head, as I walked by, and now I'm not sure I'll ever have the heart to do anything but trim her.

A bird hit my bedroom window so I need to bird-proof the glass and this requires application on the OUTside of the glass or it won't work (glass glare will hide anything adhered to the inside) but I was thinking this morning instead of trying to reach it by ladder I could just open the window and reach around from the inside and paint it from here. Only the side that doesn't open needs it done because it doesn't have a screen, the other side is screened so doesn't get hit. All I need is a rope and harness and for Josh to belay me while I paint, lol.

The rain finally came back yesterday, after way too much summer weather for October - 80s and nothing but sun. I was not complaining. But it was unusual.

Now it feels like October. Avalanche is outside with a wild case of the zoomies. I feel like she is getting the feeling that oh, this is fall, we are in the last of the fun before winter drizzles us to death with its dreary endless overcast gloom.

I am secretly looking forward to cold gloomy sweater weather, to tea and crisp and cozy movies on the couch with my paint by numbers set.

There are still sunbreaks today, but it is still in the mid-50s and it is 1:30pm. My nose is running from the cold.

Had lunch, cooked Josh lunch, off to hike with Cynthia before we do pedicures and haunted corn maze later. I am going to have pumpkin beer and figure out a way to get home safely. I might have to leave my car and have Josh help me fetch it in the morning. Or! I could have him drop me off. That might be smarter.

I will be at the whim of the Halloween spirits today, in my spiderweb leggings and skeleton hoodie.

I am SO HAPPY. In a gloomy sort of way.

Had a really beautiful day.

It would be even better if I could rally enough to do a load of laundry or empty the dishwasher, but I kind of just want to curl into bed now.

It's funny how many ads I get online for antidepressant treatments of every kind, ever since taking welbutrin for a week. I've always gotten depression ads but it's way more intense and medicine focused, lately (instead of just a bunch of betterhealth ads lol). I think some of it has to do with the appts, some with the prescriptions, some with this journal.

...

Aerial gym was good today. Raven is so pleasant to talk to. Everyone talks his ear off. He's just the sweetest human.

30-somethings right now, they seem so much kinder than when I was 30-something.

maybe I just hang with better crowds, these days.

...

Andrea died one day short of her 37th birthday. I knew she was young but I did not realize how young. She had an old soul. She was so still and steady.

:(((((((((((((((((((((((

...

I read that once a week heat therapy can be beneficial for depression.

I am wondering if other healing weekly activities can be put into play, for this purpose.

I know vegetables are mood-boosting for me but have had trouble cooking for myself, recently. When Josh is gone I just don't.

I cannot wait for a couple days off next week after my scans and appointments.

No Halloween decorations went up, today. Sad. I might take myself to the pumpkin patch tomorrow after riding bikes with Cynthia, and try again tomorrow.

Thursday and Friday I'm back to work, then I'll have the weekend to try to get more work done around the house and try again if I fail to decorate tomorrow.

...

There are no reports of any fatalities (or even injuries - there's actually no mention of it at all anywhere) in the crash I witnessed on Monday, which is good good good. Not newsworthy is good. I am hoping the freaked-outedness fades, I am only driving on surface streets and still spooked and going slowly and I'm jumpy whenever it looks like a car is behaving erratically (which is often!), even though nothing bad has happened. I am happy to go slower and look around (even) more carefully at everything.

...

I want a medical alert bracelet. Not for any medical issues I have. Just so. If something happens. People can figure out who I am.

...

I wonder if AI will make humans into its pets. (I heard an NPR report about Muse today and that sounds like what that app is aiming to do.)

Watch on YouTube

...

Audible pushed a free "Uncertainty" meditation at me and it was SO LOVELY, I am so grateful. I am going to try to do this one every day for a bit. It is about 15 minutes and the basic premise is, "What if something good happens?" I love this so much. So so so helpful. For this little overly anxious faery.