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"What if there is no hell, or no one wants us there? Ever think of that?"
What if all this is a little lie?
What if all my sins never met a god?
What if all this is a little lie?
What if all my sins never met a god?
Halloween craziness and work have taken up too much of my energy and time the last several days for me to make space for piano practice, but I finally got in a good session tonight. I want to be more consistent but it will take time to establish a habit. For whatever reason, I prefer to practice in the evenings, mornings and piano just don't get along as well in my brain for whatever reason - I find this odd because most everything feels better in the mornings. Except this one thing. I guess crafting is the same way. Maybe I just do better with art/creativity/right-brained activities later in the day, and more rational type work (I do well on the computer or writing or exercising/working out) in the mornings. Really exercise is best for me mid-day, between 10am-2pm. But I can hike whenever.
I wish I had more days off, I want to hike and do silks and ride bikes with Cynthia before I have to go back to work but I also have therapy and piano taking up most of my Wednesday and there is all the regular day to day chores to try to keep up with plus Halloween to put away, but so glad at least I got through today and ate some good food and practiced some piano and I'm so ready to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Might need to run away to the coast tomorrow. Maybe I can fit a short silks session in before I go? One can hope.
Need to get new estrogen patch going also.
Oh and need to track down where my diazepam I picked up tonight ended up, I remember thinking I had an empty bag in my hand but that's because it had nothing but a tiny pill bottle inside. Need to make sure I didn't lose it, I think it's around somewhere.
Getting anxious about anti-anxiety meds lol.
Youtube and a heating pad plz k thx.
I wish I had more days off, I want to hike and do silks and ride bikes with Cynthia before I have to go back to work but I also have therapy and piano taking up most of my Wednesday and there is all the regular day to day chores to try to keep up with plus Halloween to put away, but so glad at least I got through today and ate some good food and practiced some piano and I'm so ready to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Might need to run away to the coast tomorrow. Maybe I can fit a short silks session in before I go? One can hope.
Need to get new estrogen patch going also.
Oh and need to track down where my diazepam I picked up tonight ended up, I remember thinking I had an empty bag in my hand but that's because it had nothing but a tiny pill bottle inside. Need to make sure I didn't lose it, I think it's around somewhere.
Getting anxious about anti-anxiety meds lol.
Youtube and a heating pad plz k thx.
off to begin another sparkly week
Nov. 2nd, 2026 09:48 amCrashed pretty hard off the Halloween high, which I was expecting, it's just what my body does. If I get really happy and push myself pretty hard then I get really exhausted after. I'm okay just have had a headache and body aches for two days. Low energy. I cannot sleep to save my life. I should have tried my new sleep med (hydroxafine? it's a very low-dose antihistamine with a drowsiness side-effect) last night, but the last time I tried it the next morning felt bad, so now I'm nervous to try again. I should give it another chance though because it could have just been a coincidence or something else that made me feel so disoriented and forgetful.
...
( some sexy body stuff TMI prolly )
...
Beautiful sunshine, so so cold, Avalanche is in here snuggled up in bed instead of outside watching birds and squirrels.... About to throw on some work clothes and head off to sparkle all day. I baked a crisp and will make Josh a simple lunch before I go, and pack my own lunch also. I am grateful that I have kind and magical people to sparkle today, I am so so tired and just wish I could sleep. I also desperately need an office day to clean my workspace and catch up on online stuff, but that will just have to wait until next week, I did not listen to myself and book the time off that I knew I needed, but it's so hard to know weeks in advance how one will feel later - at the time I was full of energy and ready to sparkle everyone everyday forever.
I also need an art day (or year) to work on my creative things, there is so much I want to do, art-wise, that just doesn't get prioritized. I think this would feed my soul but I haven't learned to make it a priority.
...
Need to put away Halloween decor and work on more decluttering, indoors as the garage is still full of emotional landmines.
...
My depression seems well managed at the moment, I blame the B12, sunshine, and generally good happy existence I lead, and some mental gymnastics I've done recently to be able to maintain this. I am sort of realizing that just as I have chronic physical problems that need consistent attention and management and active work to keep at bay so I can function, my mood is similar. I need to keep up with this like hygiene, morning/evening walks and exercise, using my SAD lamp, eating dark leafy greens daily, taking my supplements, making time for the piano, listening to good books, a slower pace at work, letting myself get creative and playful, prioritizing time with Josh and dancing and social time with friends, drinking a lot of coffee, paying attention to the birds and whatever beauty I can find around me, not slacking on strength training, giving myself grace for falling behind on yard care or voting, letting myself have and wear nice things from time to time, heat treatment when I can, getting out into the woods when I can. I'm doing better.
Some days 51 doesn't feel very old at all :)
Need another B12 shot, maybe I can try to book that today. Halp.
...
Crashed super early with a migraine last night and heard barred owls later in the evening. When I finally stirred awake after their calls subsided, I found Avalanche next to me, staring up into the trees. Her cat door was still open and she could have been outside, but I have a feeling she knew better than to risk it. She did not stop staring up into the trees for a very long time, even after the owls had long gone silent.
...
I saw such a perfect beautiful little moon and star directly overhead during my morning walk today, there was just a perfect gap in the clouds to see them for a little while. I'm so grateful for the beautiful crisp fall November weather rn. It's COLD but GORGEOUS. So many red crossbills and many many other birds on my walk. The varied thrush sounds otherworldly.
..
I baked a pear/grape crisp this morning! The whole house smells heavenly.
...
( some sexy body stuff TMI prolly )
...
Beautiful sunshine, so so cold, Avalanche is in here snuggled up in bed instead of outside watching birds and squirrels.... About to throw on some work clothes and head off to sparkle all day. I baked a crisp and will make Josh a simple lunch before I go, and pack my own lunch also. I am grateful that I have kind and magical people to sparkle today, I am so so tired and just wish I could sleep. I also desperately need an office day to clean my workspace and catch up on online stuff, but that will just have to wait until next week, I did not listen to myself and book the time off that I knew I needed, but it's so hard to know weeks in advance how one will feel later - at the time I was full of energy and ready to sparkle everyone everyday forever.
I also need an art day (or year) to work on my creative things, there is so much I want to do, art-wise, that just doesn't get prioritized. I think this would feed my soul but I haven't learned to make it a priority.
...
Need to put away Halloween decor and work on more decluttering, indoors as the garage is still full of emotional landmines.
...
My depression seems well managed at the moment, I blame the B12, sunshine, and generally good happy existence I lead, and some mental gymnastics I've done recently to be able to maintain this. I am sort of realizing that just as I have chronic physical problems that need consistent attention and management and active work to keep at bay so I can function, my mood is similar. I need to keep up with this like hygiene, morning/evening walks and exercise, using my SAD lamp, eating dark leafy greens daily, taking my supplements, making time for the piano, listening to good books, a slower pace at work, letting myself get creative and playful, prioritizing time with Josh and dancing and social time with friends, drinking a lot of coffee, paying attention to the birds and whatever beauty I can find around me, not slacking on strength training, giving myself grace for falling behind on yard care or voting, letting myself have and wear nice things from time to time, heat treatment when I can, getting out into the woods when I can. I'm doing better.
Some days 51 doesn't feel very old at all :)
Need another B12 shot, maybe I can try to book that today. Halp.
...
Crashed super early with a migraine last night and heard barred owls later in the evening. When I finally stirred awake after their calls subsided, I found Avalanche next to me, staring up into the trees. Her cat door was still open and she could have been outside, but I have a feeling she knew better than to risk it. She did not stop staring up into the trees for a very long time, even after the owls had long gone silent.
...
I saw such a perfect beautiful little moon and star directly overhead during my morning walk today, there was just a perfect gap in the clouds to see them for a little while. I'm so grateful for the beautiful crisp fall November weather rn. It's COLD but GORGEOUS. So many red crossbills and many many other birds on my walk. The varied thrush sounds otherworldly.
..
I baked a pear/grape crisp this morning! The whole house smells heavenly.
too much magic to contain
Nov. 1st, 2026 09:45 amI had a spectacularly crazily incredibly fun Halloween and I am soooooo high from it.
Today I will go visit crows again with a faery friend after work and then tonight I will light all of my candles for all of my loved ones who are gone. There will be more costume parties tonight but I will stay in and bake and be cozy. I still haven't baked anything! But I made more pumpkin soup, which finally came together perfectly, I fixed the first batch, all it needed was a sprinkle of poultry seasoning, it's so festive and comforting.
Will post some crow wing photos later. I am so lucky I made myself go down there for that event downtown yesterday, I love the Darcelle XV plaza they made, it's so beautiful, I loved everyone's costumes and joyfulness and the love of crows was just so heartwarming. I was able to pick up a paint-your-own-crow kit that could only be purchased in person that day, I cannot describe how happy this makes me, I am so in love with the laika crows and now I have my own tiny one. They only made 1000 so my crow will likely remain unpainted, at least for a while, but, when the moment is right, I think something very very magical will come of this.
Off to werk and then to play! Andrea gifted me the sweetest little bag of goodies so I need to return the favor to her. But first, shower!
I am so happy. I will write more about all the magic of yesterday later. The weather was spectacular. After a week of solid rain, we had the thickest dreamiest ethereal fog, and I rode up to the water tower for exercise on my bike in the morning and broke through the fog into sunshine at the top. We were treated to chilly bright sunshine once it all burned off. The way the colors of the leaves are glowing, against the fog and then in the sun, it's just, so much beauty.
Today I will go visit crows again with a faery friend after work and then tonight I will light all of my candles for all of my loved ones who are gone. There will be more costume parties tonight but I will stay in and bake and be cozy. I still haven't baked anything! But I made more pumpkin soup, which finally came together perfectly, I fixed the first batch, all it needed was a sprinkle of poultry seasoning, it's so festive and comforting.
Will post some crow wing photos later. I am so lucky I made myself go down there for that event downtown yesterday, I love the Darcelle XV plaza they made, it's so beautiful, I loved everyone's costumes and joyfulness and the love of crows was just so heartwarming. I was able to pick up a paint-your-own-crow kit that could only be purchased in person that day, I cannot describe how happy this makes me, I am so in love with the laika crows and now I have my own tiny one. They only made 1000 so my crow will likely remain unpainted, at least for a while, but, when the moment is right, I think something very very magical will come of this.
Off to werk and then to play! Andrea gifted me the sweetest little bag of goodies so I need to return the favor to her. But first, shower!
I am so happy. I will write more about all the magic of yesterday later. The weather was spectacular. After a week of solid rain, we had the thickest dreamiest ethereal fog, and I rode up to the water tower for exercise on my bike in the morning and broke through the fog into sunshine at the top. We were treated to chilly bright sunshine once it all burned off. The way the colors of the leaves are glowing, against the fog and then in the sun, it's just, so much beauty.
The moon was so astonishingly beautiful this morning on my rainy walk, during which, in the span of ten minutes, the clouds parted and the rain stopped and everything was so beautiful and soft and damp and alive and simple and the moon just glowed and glowed and glowed as if it were the middle of the night but it was light out.
I have a bajillion things to do tonight before Cynthia's birthday, I am feeling silly and giddy with too-much-to-do-ness - can I get laundry done in the midst of all of it?
Time to rinse hair dye and shower, eat something, and figure out where to go from there. Josh's lunch is cooked, therapy is done, dishes desperately need attention but the shower needs to happen first.
Sunshine between the rain spells. The most Octobery October ever. I am high on it. I wish I could fit in pumpkin pie and carving! I just might try.
I have a bajillion things to do tonight before Cynthia's birthday, I am feeling silly and giddy with too-much-to-do-ness - can I get laundry done in the midst of all of it?
Time to rinse hair dye and shower, eat something, and figure out where to go from there. Josh's lunch is cooked, therapy is done, dishes desperately need attention but the shower needs to happen first.
Sunshine between the rain spells. The most Octobery October ever. I am high on it. I wish I could fit in pumpkin pie and carving! I just might try.
wildwood crow and a little cloud of a cat
Oct. 27th, 2026 09:08 pmDidn't quite get to the housework or baking, but we're enjoying the pumpkin soup and I decided to do a sunset hike up to Pittock Mansion (please pronounce this "PITtuck"), via the wildwood trail in forest park, to see the crow that's up there, it was a good 6 mile hike due to me getting turned around a bit on the trails, whoops.
It was a nice distraction from the cramps. They're still there but I had other things to think about, like how not to slip in the mud in the dark while hiking down with my headlamp lol.
It's cold and wet but there was a break in the rain, hence the sudden impulse to hike. (In an urban setting because I'm still a bit nervous to go on the highway.)
This weather means that Avalanche comes inside for snuggles more often. It's so cute how she just wants to be inside with me, when I'm home, curled up nearby, this makes me very happy.
Had lots of veggies today, taking a break from the Halloween candy, still indulging in a little bit of popcorn, though. Feeling profoundly cozy rn. I think I'll curl up with Avi and watch a little youtube before bed.
( In a little bit TMI health news, )
It was a nice distraction from the cramps. They're still there but I had other things to think about, like how not to slip in the mud in the dark while hiking down with my headlamp lol.
It's cold and wet but there was a break in the rain, hence the sudden impulse to hike. (In an urban setting because I'm still a bit nervous to go on the highway.)
This weather means that Avalanche comes inside for snuggles more often. It's so cute how she just wants to be inside with me, when I'm home, curled up nearby, this makes me very happy.
Had lots of veggies today, taking a break from the Halloween candy, still indulging in a little bit of popcorn, though. Feeling profoundly cozy rn. I think I'll curl up with Avi and watch a little youtube before bed.
( In a little bit TMI health news, )
painful work from home day.
Oct. 27th, 2026 12:41 pmReally thankful for a work from home day, in a lot of pain and ready for a cozy day at home.
I've had increasingly painful menstrual cramps and more bleeding and it feels like I'm having two periods at once, it's day 10 and there is still breast tenderness and I started breaking out? Generally I don't have acne anymore. I have no idea what's going on but I feel awful.
If it continues I'll make an appointment. Since mom had endometrial cancer I am nervous that something is wrong with the uterus or its lining. I've never really had a lot of trouble in that area, I've gone through painful cramps here and there like everyone but it's never been chronic or long term, though there were days I just stayed in bed all day from it. I don't know. So uncomfortable and gross. At 51 most of my friends have stopped bleeding, even though most of them are 4-6 years younger than I am.
My hip is flaring up in pain, my feet are super painful, just everything hurts.
I realized I was doing that thing where I was cooking a bunch of beautiful healthy food for josh and then neglecting my own meals and just eating crackers and nuts and fruit all day, so I made a goal on my self-care app that literally says to cook my own veggies before Josh's. I've had to make this rule for myself before, I guess I slipped back into that old bad habit without realizing it.
...
I have a couple orders to ship out and otherwise I'm happy to stay home and work on laundry and cleaning.
Practiced piano this morning. It was NOT clicking like it has previously, but I struggled through. It's time for me to pay him and sign up for ongoing weekly Wednesday night lessons, I'm so happy about this, I think it will really help my confidence and mood, and will keep me off my phone and give me something gentle and healthy to do over winter.
Cooked myself some gorgeous veggies after, plus some really nice food for Josh. I seem to have fixed the pumpkin soup, it just needed a dash of ground poultry seasoning. I put fresh sage and rosemary in there but it needed a little more. It's perfect now. I might have not liked my serving yesterday partially because I ate it cold.
...
Can't believe it's almost Halloween! Still haven't carved my pumpkins, my fellow carvers bailed on me so I'll probably do it alone tonight. I don't mind, I absolutely love the process and it's completely absorbing and I get really creative with my designs, it'll be nice.
Cynthia's birthday tomorrow, so looking forward to spoiling her with tons of love.
I've watched Nightmare Before Christmas (3 times), Dark Shadows, and Sleepy Hollow (all Tim Burton). I might splurge for Netflix temporarily to watch the second season of Wednesday? (Also Tim Burton lol. I am partial to him.)
uuuggghhhh craaaaaamps :((((
Avalanche is curled up next to me. Nap time for sleepy kitties. We had a really nice cozy rainy morning together. There is a break in the rain at the moment but the skies are still cold and darkly overcast. Very PNW weather.
ugh I should work but I just want to sit here with the space heater on my midsection and not hurt. :(
Just going to relax for a few more minutes and then dive in. I'll get there. Maybe treat myself to a latte when finished. Sounds so comforting, and I love my little cafe so much.
Can I get laundry done, sweep and vacuum the floors, and bake a pumpkin pie? We shall seeeeeeeeeeeeee :)
The mums went on super sale and I have two more pots of them on the porch, purple and yellow. So cute. Our landscaping is depressing but the mums help.
Eeee a little rufus hummingbird is flitting about outside. I should consider feeding them, I guess, I see them constantly. I just have to make sure they still well away from Avalanche.
I've had increasingly painful menstrual cramps and more bleeding and it feels like I'm having two periods at once, it's day 10 and there is still breast tenderness and I started breaking out? Generally I don't have acne anymore. I have no idea what's going on but I feel awful.
If it continues I'll make an appointment. Since mom had endometrial cancer I am nervous that something is wrong with the uterus or its lining. I've never really had a lot of trouble in that area, I've gone through painful cramps here and there like everyone but it's never been chronic or long term, though there were days I just stayed in bed all day from it. I don't know. So uncomfortable and gross. At 51 most of my friends have stopped bleeding, even though most of them are 4-6 years younger than I am.
My hip is flaring up in pain, my feet are super painful, just everything hurts.
I realized I was doing that thing where I was cooking a bunch of beautiful healthy food for josh and then neglecting my own meals and just eating crackers and nuts and fruit all day, so I made a goal on my self-care app that literally says to cook my own veggies before Josh's. I've had to make this rule for myself before, I guess I slipped back into that old bad habit without realizing it.
...
I have a couple orders to ship out and otherwise I'm happy to stay home and work on laundry and cleaning.
Practiced piano this morning. It was NOT clicking like it has previously, but I struggled through. It's time for me to pay him and sign up for ongoing weekly Wednesday night lessons, I'm so happy about this, I think it will really help my confidence and mood, and will keep me off my phone and give me something gentle and healthy to do over winter.
Cooked myself some gorgeous veggies after, plus some really nice food for Josh. I seem to have fixed the pumpkin soup, it just needed a dash of ground poultry seasoning. I put fresh sage and rosemary in there but it needed a little more. It's perfect now. I might have not liked my serving yesterday partially because I ate it cold.
...
Can't believe it's almost Halloween! Still haven't carved my pumpkins, my fellow carvers bailed on me so I'll probably do it alone tonight. I don't mind, I absolutely love the process and it's completely absorbing and I get really creative with my designs, it'll be nice.
Cynthia's birthday tomorrow, so looking forward to spoiling her with tons of love.
I've watched Nightmare Before Christmas (3 times), Dark Shadows, and Sleepy Hollow (all Tim Burton). I might splurge for Netflix temporarily to watch the second season of Wednesday? (Also Tim Burton lol. I am partial to him.)
uuuggghhhh craaaaaamps :((((
Avalanche is curled up next to me. Nap time for sleepy kitties. We had a really nice cozy rainy morning together. There is a break in the rain at the moment but the skies are still cold and darkly overcast. Very PNW weather.
ugh I should work but I just want to sit here with the space heater on my midsection and not hurt. :(
Just going to relax for a few more minutes and then dive in. I'll get there. Maybe treat myself to a latte when finished. Sounds so comforting, and I love my little cafe so much.
Can I get laundry done, sweep and vacuum the floors, and bake a pumpkin pie? We shall seeeeeeeeeeeeee :)
The mums went on super sale and I have two more pots of them on the porch, purple and yellow. So cute. Our landscaping is depressing but the mums help.
Eeee a little rufus hummingbird is flitting about outside. I should consider feeding them, I guess, I see them constantly. I just have to make sure they still well away from Avalanche.
cozy gloomy soggy Sunday
Oct. 25th, 2026 03:52 pmstill not in a place to read journals but I will, I will.
The return of the rain has been a bit overwhelming, today. I went for my usual sunrise walk and it was beautiful. A couple very light whispers of raindrops and a silky pink and pastel blue stripy sunrise, with some vivid pink later for just a moment (after the most intense hot pink sunset last night with the nearly-full-moon rise). It started to rain as I made a detour to search for a missing kitten that I saw a sign for. Who loses a 7 week old kitten on a busy street. Just before a cold heavy rain sets in. Heartbreaking.
Hot coffee under the gazebo with Avalanche, she is undeterred by the rain, though she is eating more and coming inside to warm up and nap between outside adventures. (She's out right now. Brave happy kitten. She's got the coat for it.) Her winter coat is coming in, she's not shedding at all.
Not sure if I mentioned that I finally put up a little bit of Halloween, it's gently festive, it's a hodgepodge of thrifted items and nothing matches or makes sense but it makes me happy anyway. Low impact decor is my jam.
...
Josh was so spun out and upset about his shoulder this morning, he's been like this for days. It's been three weeks and he's getting exasperated at the lack of healing, but it's nerve damage and he's new to this, nerves take several months if not longer to mend.
I decided to gently distract and encourage him with silks. He resisted at first and looked so distraught, but I kept adjusting and finding more gentle things for him to try (he can pull but not push), so eventually he got warmed up and cheered up a little bit, and actually started to play and have fun. I joined in and also played and had fun, and did far more of a workout than I had intended.
We were both happy and smiling at the end of this gentle aerial workout session together, and I thanked him with tears in my eyes just for being in my life. I don't think I would have gotten up on silks and played if I didn't have him to tend to and encourage, and the fact that he was willing to try even though he was upset and nervous meant a lot. I'm so lucky to have him. He makes my life better in so many ways.
I have been tearful all day, at random happy things, and random sad things. I texted back and forth with Cynthia's best friend Cindy today for the first time, and I realized I am slowly falling in love with her, and I am so so so happy to have reached a new level of closeness with her. I noticed this at the pumpkin patch, when I had picked up on her being in a lot of pain, and also underdressed, which I tried to ease by giving her gloves and holding her gently and trying to encourage her to be easy on herself, and also to commiserate - it's nice to know I'm not the only 51 year old with lumbar spine bone spurs. She also has a rare form of cancer that is uncurable but manageable with drugs (weekly painful injections), and only one lung, which people forget because she behaves normally and is so careful not to draw attention to herself or try to fish for pity. These are serious and I try to remember and consider her weaknesses and defend her when her husband or friends try to push her if she starts to flag. She has a harder time just getting through each day than most people, and her friends forget. She makes it easy to forget, but I am making an effort to be considerate of her disabilities and I think she notices and appreciates it. We are different emotional creatures, but we are both depressed, and I think I can find a lot of comfort in both our similarities and our differences, if I just keep trying. If Cynthia loves her so much, I feel confident that she is worth loving.
...
Finally roasting my giant kabocha squash that I want to make into soup. I can't remember what I wanted to do with this day originally, but after Josh and I got so drenched and chilled at the farmers market, I have pivoted to cooking and watching more spooky movies. I settled in with a space heater and a third viewing of Nightmare Before Christmas while Josh ran off to do errands, Avalanche joined me for this. My sweetest happy cat. Who just loves to be close by. She slept with us last night. I have been asking Josh to join me in bed more often and it's been really nice. There are times I really want to sleep alone, but it's gotten so cold, and I get lonely when I wake up at 2am.
He's off at the gym to lift and try out the sauna there. He went to a sauna with his friend last night and experienced a complete relief of his shoulder pain while in the heat, so now he's interested in more of that.
This is inspiring me to finally scrub out my bathtub so that I can have a proper bath, something I've not done since we moved into this house, 11 months ago.
...
So, instead of trying to go out or do anything else athletic or cardio-based (I was considering going to the gym for the elliptical or bike or maybe a swim, but now I'm just too tired to even imagine doing that), I think I will try to make a giant batch of pumpkin ginger carrot soup, while also cutting up carrot sticks for Josh for the week (he likes to dip them in hummus), I am cooking a fancy piece of meat that's been in the freezer for months and needs to be enjoyed before it gets freezer burnt, also. If all goes well I may keep going and bake an apple/pear crisp and/or a pumpkin pie. I'd really like to make some cookies but maybe that can be later in the week.
I am a little woozy from too many Halloween candies, they are so so good but my waistline disagrees. I think also upping the estrogen is causing some weight gain and bloating, it's uncomfortable but I can manage, I will keep working at it and try to stay active during this wet rainy week, one way or another.
Sleepy Hollow is free on Josh's youtube account so I will put that on shortly. Drinking black chai in the crow cup Natasha bought me recently, I am so so sleepy and it's already after 4pm.
I wish mom could be here to enjoy this with me. I wish I could feel as if part of her is still here in some way, the way I sometimes feel with others who have died. I don't know.
Three big orders to box up before morning, I want to mail them before work tomorrow if I can.
Piano practice needs to happen at some point. I actually look forward to this. I'm so elated that after several failed attempts, I seem to have found a teacher and a system that will actually work for me.
I hope I can learn a christmas song or three over the next month or so, even if they are super simple. Piano songs don't have to be complicated to be pleasant.
Part of what inspired the piano was Andrea, at her memorial her partner talked about her "shredding" on the piano. Such a multitalented enchanted little angel wisp. I want her back.
I want Patty back.
I want my dad back. He would have been 84 this month. He would have made a sassy 84 year old, I imagine. All white and bushy and snarky, and grateful for every moment spent with his kids. My poor parents. They deserved gentler lives, with the support they needed. They deserved longer lives free of cancer and pain and so much sickness. So unfair. I don't know why I got spared their fate thus far. But I credit their efforts - they bent over backwards to make sure I felt loved, and to give me a chance to develop discipline and passion and creativity and self-improvement, in spite of all their struggles and lack of the same support they tried to hard to provide to me. They were imperfect but they tried so hard. That's what matters most.
I wish I didn't feel quite so sleepy! Glad I bought that happy lamp.
Time to check on the squash, it's starting to smell squashy :)
The return of the rain has been a bit overwhelming, today. I went for my usual sunrise walk and it was beautiful. A couple very light whispers of raindrops and a silky pink and pastel blue stripy sunrise, with some vivid pink later for just a moment (after the most intense hot pink sunset last night with the nearly-full-moon rise). It started to rain as I made a detour to search for a missing kitten that I saw a sign for. Who loses a 7 week old kitten on a busy street. Just before a cold heavy rain sets in. Heartbreaking.
Hot coffee under the gazebo with Avalanche, she is undeterred by the rain, though she is eating more and coming inside to warm up and nap between outside adventures. (She's out right now. Brave happy kitten. She's got the coat for it.) Her winter coat is coming in, she's not shedding at all.
Not sure if I mentioned that I finally put up a little bit of Halloween, it's gently festive, it's a hodgepodge of thrifted items and nothing matches or makes sense but it makes me happy anyway. Low impact decor is my jam.
...
Josh was so spun out and upset about his shoulder this morning, he's been like this for days. It's been three weeks and he's getting exasperated at the lack of healing, but it's nerve damage and he's new to this, nerves take several months if not longer to mend.
I decided to gently distract and encourage him with silks. He resisted at first and looked so distraught, but I kept adjusting and finding more gentle things for him to try (he can pull but not push), so eventually he got warmed up and cheered up a little bit, and actually started to play and have fun. I joined in and also played and had fun, and did far more of a workout than I had intended.
We were both happy and smiling at the end of this gentle aerial workout session together, and I thanked him with tears in my eyes just for being in my life. I don't think I would have gotten up on silks and played if I didn't have him to tend to and encourage, and the fact that he was willing to try even though he was upset and nervous meant a lot. I'm so lucky to have him. He makes my life better in so many ways.
I have been tearful all day, at random happy things, and random sad things. I texted back and forth with Cynthia's best friend Cindy today for the first time, and I realized I am slowly falling in love with her, and I am so so so happy to have reached a new level of closeness with her. I noticed this at the pumpkin patch, when I had picked up on her being in a lot of pain, and also underdressed, which I tried to ease by giving her gloves and holding her gently and trying to encourage her to be easy on herself, and also to commiserate - it's nice to know I'm not the only 51 year old with lumbar spine bone spurs. She also has a rare form of cancer that is uncurable but manageable with drugs (weekly painful injections), and only one lung, which people forget because she behaves normally and is so careful not to draw attention to herself or try to fish for pity. These are serious and I try to remember and consider her weaknesses and defend her when her husband or friends try to push her if she starts to flag. She has a harder time just getting through each day than most people, and her friends forget. She makes it easy to forget, but I am making an effort to be considerate of her disabilities and I think she notices and appreciates it. We are different emotional creatures, but we are both depressed, and I think I can find a lot of comfort in both our similarities and our differences, if I just keep trying. If Cynthia loves her so much, I feel confident that she is worth loving.
...
Finally roasting my giant kabocha squash that I want to make into soup. I can't remember what I wanted to do with this day originally, but after Josh and I got so drenched and chilled at the farmers market, I have pivoted to cooking and watching more spooky movies. I settled in with a space heater and a third viewing of Nightmare Before Christmas while Josh ran off to do errands, Avalanche joined me for this. My sweetest happy cat. Who just loves to be close by. She slept with us last night. I have been asking Josh to join me in bed more often and it's been really nice. There are times I really want to sleep alone, but it's gotten so cold, and I get lonely when I wake up at 2am.
He's off at the gym to lift and try out the sauna there. He went to a sauna with his friend last night and experienced a complete relief of his shoulder pain while in the heat, so now he's interested in more of that.
This is inspiring me to finally scrub out my bathtub so that I can have a proper bath, something I've not done since we moved into this house, 11 months ago.
...
So, instead of trying to go out or do anything else athletic or cardio-based (I was considering going to the gym for the elliptical or bike or maybe a swim, but now I'm just too tired to even imagine doing that), I think I will try to make a giant batch of pumpkin ginger carrot soup, while also cutting up carrot sticks for Josh for the week (he likes to dip them in hummus), I am cooking a fancy piece of meat that's been in the freezer for months and needs to be enjoyed before it gets freezer burnt, also. If all goes well I may keep going and bake an apple/pear crisp and/or a pumpkin pie. I'd really like to make some cookies but maybe that can be later in the week.
I am a little woozy from too many Halloween candies, they are so so good but my waistline disagrees. I think also upping the estrogen is causing some weight gain and bloating, it's uncomfortable but I can manage, I will keep working at it and try to stay active during this wet rainy week, one way or another.
Sleepy Hollow is free on Josh's youtube account so I will put that on shortly. Drinking black chai in the crow cup Natasha bought me recently, I am so so sleepy and it's already after 4pm.
I wish mom could be here to enjoy this with me. I wish I could feel as if part of her is still here in some way, the way I sometimes feel with others who have died. I don't know.
Three big orders to box up before morning, I want to mail them before work tomorrow if I can.
Piano practice needs to happen at some point. I actually look forward to this. I'm so elated that after several failed attempts, I seem to have found a teacher and a system that will actually work for me.
I hope I can learn a christmas song or three over the next month or so, even if they are super simple. Piano songs don't have to be complicated to be pleasant.
Part of what inspired the piano was Andrea, at her memorial her partner talked about her "shredding" on the piano. Such a multitalented enchanted little angel wisp. I want her back.
I want Patty back.
I want my dad back. He would have been 84 this month. He would have made a sassy 84 year old, I imagine. All white and bushy and snarky, and grateful for every moment spent with his kids. My poor parents. They deserved gentler lives, with the support they needed. They deserved longer lives free of cancer and pain and so much sickness. So unfair. I don't know why I got spared their fate thus far. But I credit their efforts - they bent over backwards to make sure I felt loved, and to give me a chance to develop discipline and passion and creativity and self-improvement, in spite of all their struggles and lack of the same support they tried to hard to provide to me. They were imperfect but they tried so hard. That's what matters most.
I wish I didn't feel quite so sleepy! Glad I bought that happy lamp.
Time to check on the squash, it's starting to smell squashy :)
the keys are calling
Oct. 24th, 2026 06:45 pmBehind on reading journals, looking forward to settling down and catching up with all of them. Normally I read everything immediately and voraciously, but it has been a very busy week and a very emotional, full, difficult day, running nonstop from 6am to right about now.
Sparkling for Patty's memorial was so wonderful in so many ways but also so incredibly heart-wrenching and also there were about four times as many people as wanted sparkles as I could get to, which is stressful for me. I very much want to please everyone and it was just impossible. I did come home with a ton of thanks (I was a huge hit, fairy hair was a huge part of Patty's identity) and a giant bouquet of flowers, which is lovely. Patty showed up in my dreams last night to say a quick hello. I burst into tears when I arrived and made her sister cry. I am not done crying over her.
But with her, like my mom, the tears come with a wish that one day my memories of her will be joyful ones, because she was absolutely made of pure joy. She had so so so many friends. I am so frustrated that she was taken from us. But also so grateful to be able to share some of her sparkles with her friends. It hurts, but I'm grateful for what was. And what still is. Kind of like life.
I was struggling struggling struggling after I got home to rally for going to Cynthia's tonight to carve pumpkins. I kept eating and eating to try to get up the energy for it. A tofu dog, another tofu dog, a bowl of bean noodles and veggies, popcorn, halloween candy, almonds, more almonds, nothing was cutting it.
But then I realized that I really just don't want to go. I did when it was just going to be me, Cynthia, and Kelly. But now it's ballooned to nine girls, and they are all drinkers, and I just don't want to be in a room full of loud drunk girls with knives, and probably not the kind of history that I have with pumpkin carving. I hate being in a group like that because I feel left out and not a part of their drinky world, I am jealous and want to join, but also don't want to ingest toxic carcinogens that I know make me feel terrible in the long run.
I thought, if I stay home, I can practice piano, I can watch a spooky movie on the couch while Josh is away on a date (permitted - not a sexy date but they do seem to like each other a lot, which I think is good for him, given that I can't connect with him physically right now), and drink fake beer without feeling left out of anything, I can carve pumpkins with Andrea and Stephanie later in the week instead, women who love it with the same deep nostalgic fervor that I do. Neither of them drink or do any drugs at all. Bonus.
...
The sunset was absolutely spectacular tonight, and the almost-full moon is shrouded in a misty spooky blanket of haze. It's so perfect.
...
No spooky movie until I'm done with practice. Off I go.
Sparkling for Patty's memorial was so wonderful in so many ways but also so incredibly heart-wrenching and also there were about four times as many people as wanted sparkles as I could get to, which is stressful for me. I very much want to please everyone and it was just impossible. I did come home with a ton of thanks (I was a huge hit, fairy hair was a huge part of Patty's identity) and a giant bouquet of flowers, which is lovely. Patty showed up in my dreams last night to say a quick hello. I burst into tears when I arrived and made her sister cry. I am not done crying over her.
But with her, like my mom, the tears come with a wish that one day my memories of her will be joyful ones, because she was absolutely made of pure joy. She had so so so many friends. I am so frustrated that she was taken from us. But also so grateful to be able to share some of her sparkles with her friends. It hurts, but I'm grateful for what was. And what still is. Kind of like life.
I was struggling struggling struggling after I got home to rally for going to Cynthia's tonight to carve pumpkins. I kept eating and eating to try to get up the energy for it. A tofu dog, another tofu dog, a bowl of bean noodles and veggies, popcorn, halloween candy, almonds, more almonds, nothing was cutting it.
But then I realized that I really just don't want to go. I did when it was just going to be me, Cynthia, and Kelly. But now it's ballooned to nine girls, and they are all drinkers, and I just don't want to be in a room full of loud drunk girls with knives, and probably not the kind of history that I have with pumpkin carving. I hate being in a group like that because I feel left out and not a part of their drinky world, I am jealous and want to join, but also don't want to ingest toxic carcinogens that I know make me feel terrible in the long run.
I thought, if I stay home, I can practice piano, I can watch a spooky movie on the couch while Josh is away on a date (permitted - not a sexy date but they do seem to like each other a lot, which I think is good for him, given that I can't connect with him physically right now), and drink fake beer without feeling left out of anything, I can carve pumpkins with Andrea and Stephanie later in the week instead, women who love it with the same deep nostalgic fervor that I do. Neither of them drink or do any drugs at all. Bonus.
...
The sunset was absolutely spectacular tonight, and the almost-full moon is shrouded in a misty spooky blanket of haze. It's so perfect.
...
No spooky movie until I'm done with practice. Off I go.
halloween dreams
Oct. 23rd, 2026 09:11 pmWhat a ridiculously beautiful day.
Work was utter delight. There was coffee and there were treats. Delightful conversation. And so many persimmons. I picked a grocery bag full on Thursday. I am giving them away by the handfuls, and eating as many as I share.
Also Halloween chocolate. Sinful indulgences this year include kitkat and 3 muskateers, I normally only buy organic fair trade chocolate, but the nostalgia and need for comfort outweighed my greater ethical concerns, this time. small sins. When was the last time i even tasted a 3 musketeers bar? They are HEAVEN omg. (only the "fun" size though.)
I do also have organic fair trade chocolate. And little trick-or-treat sized bags of lesser evil popcorn lol.
treats! happiness.
Cooked Josh his usual pot of rice and beans with assorted veggies and salsa and cheese on top, with fish filets in the cast iron.
Laundry needs attention but dishes are done.
Dinner was mung bean noodles with broccoli and tomato sauce, and a bowl of broccoli and cabbage sprouts with hemp seeds and olive oil. I ate my last two meatballs that I had cooked for Josh in an attempt to make myself reacclimate to eating meat, but I hated it and wish I'd just eaten tofu. I think I'd rather pay for B12 shots and eat tofu dogs. But, I tried. They were paleo bison (ground meat with organ meat included), I put onion and garlic and tomato sauce and a handfull of bread crumbs and fresh rosemary in the meatballs.
Bought myself n/a beer, new kitchen towels, some medicine cabinet supplies (athletic tape and dressing wrap, since we had none, new box of bandaids, and some cold and flu softgels, just in case, oh and fresh rubbing alcohol since the old one I have is way past its expiry date and didn't sting at all when I used it this morning, which maybe means my wounds are already closed but also maybe means it's evaporated too much to be of much use), they are still out of Bar Keeper's Friend erf, and two discount mum pots, yellow and purple. So pretty.
I am happy with my low-key Halloween decor, it's a little here and there, it feels like just enough, I didn't want to buy anything new this year, other than the paint by numbers kits. Which it still hasn't gotten rainy enough for.
I practiced piano tonight - skipped yesterday as I crashed super hard after work, but tonight I set aside half an hour and ended up going for over an hour, just playing around. Avalanche joined me! First time practicing and I already have a piano cat. I am beyond elated. It felt really nice. I looked up my old sheet music for a simple version of Away in a Manger that I used to play every Christmas, and remembered enough to be able to sus out the notes play the right hand of the first page. There is only one flat in the arrangement and my hand vaguely remembers where the b flat is in this piece. I also played the first three little mini practice songs my teacher gave me and worked on memorizing Firefly. These have about the same complexity as twinkle twinkle little star but it just feels nice to let my hands and mind work at the keys and get used to them in an easy gentle way. I appreciate the gentle easy introduction. Not everyone knows how to teach this way. Rian is a natural at it though. And seems to have such an easy way about him, it is not at all stressful to make mistakes. I will bring him persimmons next week.
Did I mention that I cleaned my bathroom sink and counter top for the first time in probably six months. I have been so embarrassed and annoyed at not being able to tackle this and I just randomly did it at some point this week, just started scrubbing and wiping. Everything is so nice now. I hope I can keep it this way. I realized I need a new way to take off and keep my face jewels, I used to have a little box for them but I don't have one right now, I'll have to figure something else out so I can keep the counter clear and easy to clean. I am so happy about this.
I have clean sheets.
It's getting down into the 30s tonight. The rain should show back up on Sunday. We are having the driest October on record since 1991. I remember that year. That was the last fall before I went back to school (mom home-schooled me from grades 5-10, I went back halfway through my junior year to have at least a little bit of a high school experience).
Tired and content and in the mood for a little bit of spooky comfort movie time before bed. We'll see if I find any tim burton something-or-other to fall asleep with.
Work was utter delight. There was coffee and there were treats. Delightful conversation. And so many persimmons. I picked a grocery bag full on Thursday. I am giving them away by the handfuls, and eating as many as I share.
Also Halloween chocolate. Sinful indulgences this year include kitkat and 3 muskateers, I normally only buy organic fair trade chocolate, but the nostalgia and need for comfort outweighed my greater ethical concerns, this time. small sins. When was the last time i even tasted a 3 musketeers bar? They are HEAVEN omg. (only the "fun" size though.)
I do also have organic fair trade chocolate. And little trick-or-treat sized bags of lesser evil popcorn lol.
treats! happiness.
Cooked Josh his usual pot of rice and beans with assorted veggies and salsa and cheese on top, with fish filets in the cast iron.
Laundry needs attention but dishes are done.
Dinner was mung bean noodles with broccoli and tomato sauce, and a bowl of broccoli and cabbage sprouts with hemp seeds and olive oil. I ate my last two meatballs that I had cooked for Josh in an attempt to make myself reacclimate to eating meat, but I hated it and wish I'd just eaten tofu. I think I'd rather pay for B12 shots and eat tofu dogs. But, I tried. They were paleo bison (ground meat with organ meat included), I put onion and garlic and tomato sauce and a handfull of bread crumbs and fresh rosemary in the meatballs.
Bought myself n/a beer, new kitchen towels, some medicine cabinet supplies (athletic tape and dressing wrap, since we had none, new box of bandaids, and some cold and flu softgels, just in case, oh and fresh rubbing alcohol since the old one I have is way past its expiry date and didn't sting at all when I used it this morning, which maybe means my wounds are already closed but also maybe means it's evaporated too much to be of much use), they are still out of Bar Keeper's Friend erf, and two discount mum pots, yellow and purple. So pretty.
I am happy with my low-key Halloween decor, it's a little here and there, it feels like just enough, I didn't want to buy anything new this year, other than the paint by numbers kits. Which it still hasn't gotten rainy enough for.
I practiced piano tonight - skipped yesterday as I crashed super hard after work, but tonight I set aside half an hour and ended up going for over an hour, just playing around. Avalanche joined me! First time practicing and I already have a piano cat. I am beyond elated. It felt really nice. I looked up my old sheet music for a simple version of Away in a Manger that I used to play every Christmas, and remembered enough to be able to sus out the notes play the right hand of the first page. There is only one flat in the arrangement and my hand vaguely remembers where the b flat is in this piece. I also played the first three little mini practice songs my teacher gave me and worked on memorizing Firefly. These have about the same complexity as twinkle twinkle little star but it just feels nice to let my hands and mind work at the keys and get used to them in an easy gentle way. I appreciate the gentle easy introduction. Not everyone knows how to teach this way. Rian is a natural at it though. And seems to have such an easy way about him, it is not at all stressful to make mistakes. I will bring him persimmons next week.
Did I mention that I cleaned my bathroom sink and counter top for the first time in probably six months. I have been so embarrassed and annoyed at not being able to tackle this and I just randomly did it at some point this week, just started scrubbing and wiping. Everything is so nice now. I hope I can keep it this way. I realized I need a new way to take off and keep my face jewels, I used to have a little box for them but I don't have one right now, I'll have to figure something else out so I can keep the counter clear and easy to clean. I am so happy about this.
I have clean sheets.
It's getting down into the 30s tonight. The rain should show back up on Sunday. We are having the driest October on record since 1991. I remember that year. That was the last fall before I went back to school (mom home-schooled me from grades 5-10, I went back halfway through my junior year to have at least a little bit of a high school experience).
Tired and content and in the mood for a little bit of spooky comfort movie time before bed. We'll see if I find any tim burton something-or-other to fall asleep with.
B12 and second summer in October
Oct. 19th, 2026 07:49 pmJust finished the yummiest dinner of baked yukon potato with veggie chili and spinach and a little bit of parmesan sprinkled on top, sooooooooooo good.
started my period (I guess, I don't even know what to think of these random days of bleeding anymore, they are so sporadic and clearly not related to reproduction), which means I get to eat anything I want, and this is exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it.
Still feeling the effects of the B12. Even though I was wiped out after work today and crawled into bed and slept when I got home, around 4:30pm, I got up around 6:30 and played with Avalanche and tidied up the kitchen and went for a 20min sunset walk and made myself dinner - all things I would not have done a few days ago. A few days ago my brain fog would have been too murky to rally myself into eating anything healthy, I would have told myself it is too late to eat which means I would have starved myself and eventually binged on crackers. A week ago I would have only had the energy to feed Avalanche, peel off the rest of my work clothes, and crawl back into bed, without even bothering to brush my teeth or wash my face.
Now that I've eaten something substantial and healthy and it's not even quite 8pm yet, I might still have an hour or two of energy left to fold laundry or clean my bathtub or wash my face and put on some skin cream or find a new book (NPR mentioned that Noah Adams has a memoir about learning piano in his 50s that I am intrigued by, I'm almost finished with Up On Cove Mountain - why I'm reading all these books about old white guys is anybody's guess lol) or build a fall playlist or wash some dishes or any number of small chores that are not much but also not nothing. Neglecting these things has really been adding up and weighing on me.
I would loooooooooooove to get Halloween decorations up, maybe I can start with a few tonight, at least some light strings outside?
I would also loooooooooooooove to hike tomorrow at the coast (with a stop for mushroom hunting on the way and a dip of toes into the sand and water after) after a super early appt with my dermatologist in which I'm pretty sure she's going to scoop out some chunks of skin on my arm - I've had moles biopsied before and it's gnarly, it's going to leave wounds. But much better to be safe than sorry.
...
After that crazy experience with the B12 shot, I called my botox lady on a whim after Josh tried to tell me to go to a medspa up the street that does them for $40. My lady does them for $30, she used to be a naturopath so was able to confirm some of what I had read online about it.
What Dr Griffin said: B12 is notoriously difficult to test. So a lot of NDs will just give someone a shot as a test, because if someone is not deficient, the reaction is harmless and not noticeable at all. There are no side effects for having extra B12. BUT, when someone IS deficient, the reaction can be really dramatic and immediately noticeable. She suggests doing shots every week for a month or two and then slowly ratcheting down to monthly and then maybe every other month for maintenance. Dr Griffin doesn't do extra services beyond botox and fillers in general, but she has B12 partly because she saw how helpful it was in her practice and also because of her own personal experience with her own reaction to it. So, that was really comforting and reassuring.
I'm seeing her on Thursday so I'm hoping we'll have time to add it on to my usual treatment.
After that I might look into getting a home injection kit as it is a lot less expensive that way, I just want to make sure I source it well. Cynthia should be able to help me with that.
It's just really wild how much better I feel. I am still a bit tired and droopy today, and a tiny bit extra anxious and sad, but I think a lot of that is due to poor sleep from eating bar food with Karissa last night, and despite all that, my brain fog is still nonexistent. My mood is meh but not tanked. My energy is flagging but I am not crushed. I imagine the effects will slowly fizzle until I get back to baseline after a few more shots. It would be so crazy if I could feel that good all of the time. I really thought it was just perimenopause and aging that was causing all of that. It is only causing some.
I also have a lot of symptoms of low thyroid function so I really do need to go on the hunt for another naturopath. I need someone who will be competent about testing, who will help me with thyroid assessment, a calcium score, a dexa scan, and managing my ferretin issues, among other things.
It just makes me feel so frustrated and sad that maybe my mom could have also been helped by B12 for like, so much of her life. I dunno though, she never got tired like I was, and she loved her steaks. She ate eggs every morning. But also she was running on so much alcohol.
...
It was nice catching up with Karissa, and being able to keep my eyes open past 7:30 while drinking n/a beer in a dive bar. (We were there until almost 10pm.) Friends are everything.
...
It's amazing how easy it is to get home from work during rush hour on surface streets. I am so lucky this works well and I guess just not a lot of people are traveling the direction I'm going. I am back to driving freeways somewhat, but boy am I cautious and jumpy, just on the road in general.
...
It was so sweet on Sunday, I was still flying high from the B12 and Josh and I had a nice gentle morning routine together and went to the farmers market and decided to go to Broder even though it was not a special occasion, it was just a gloriously beautiful day and I was so so happy, so we rode our bikes over there and took selfies with the troll and got seated at our favorite table with the otter and I gave our waiter persimmons from the tree by my work (Karissa and I also swapped persimmons for pineapple guava which is a new-to-me fruit!), and I was literally weeping with joy over how good the food was and how beautiful the day was and how happy I was. I think my body was just, so relieved to have that nutrient, and I was feeling the relief emotionally.
I was very very tempted to get a pumpkin cosmo that everyone was ordering, in part to make up for the lost pumpkin ale at the haunted corn maze, but a) I don't like vodka that much and b) they do now have evening cocktail hour at their Nord location (closer to my work but also closer to my friends) so instead of day drinking it might be nice to take a friend or three there some evening if I want to indulge in a small amount of alcohol.
...
Feeling a little sleepy tired cozy, I think more out of habit than anything. It's also gotten chillier now that the sun is down.
This has been the sunniest most summery October I can ever remember. I wish it were easier to go back and look at past weather patterns, because I vaguely remember an October similar to this when I was a child, and being so deliriously happy over basically getting a second summer, and just being in awe of the beauty of the sun and golden leaves every single day for well over a month. Every warm sunny sparkly bright day with golden leaves falling everywhere feels like such an extra special gift. Like the way Avalanche lifts her face to the breeze with that dreamy half-closed eye blissed out expression. It feels like that, every day. It's getting chillier at night and the mornings are nippy but the days are still sunlit and sparkling. It's so fun. We are all rejoicing. It is a little weird to not have the dreary cold weather required for baking and simmering chili and soups and watching spooky movies and donning our coziest sweaters and hats, but we are not complaining. We'll have plenty of time for all that, when it gets here.
...
Super early dermatology appt in the morning. Maybe snuggling up with youtube for the rest of the night is okay. I'll finish the dishes at least, maybe make some tea :)
started my period (I guess, I don't even know what to think of these random days of bleeding anymore, they are so sporadic and clearly not related to reproduction), which means I get to eat anything I want, and this is exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it.
Still feeling the effects of the B12. Even though I was wiped out after work today and crawled into bed and slept when I got home, around 4:30pm, I got up around 6:30 and played with Avalanche and tidied up the kitchen and went for a 20min sunset walk and made myself dinner - all things I would not have done a few days ago. A few days ago my brain fog would have been too murky to rally myself into eating anything healthy, I would have told myself it is too late to eat which means I would have starved myself and eventually binged on crackers. A week ago I would have only had the energy to feed Avalanche, peel off the rest of my work clothes, and crawl back into bed, without even bothering to brush my teeth or wash my face.
Now that I've eaten something substantial and healthy and it's not even quite 8pm yet, I might still have an hour or two of energy left to fold laundry or clean my bathtub or wash my face and put on some skin cream or find a new book (NPR mentioned that Noah Adams has a memoir about learning piano in his 50s that I am intrigued by, I'm almost finished with Up On Cove Mountain - why I'm reading all these books about old white guys is anybody's guess lol) or build a fall playlist or wash some dishes or any number of small chores that are not much but also not nothing. Neglecting these things has really been adding up and weighing on me.
I would loooooooooooove to get Halloween decorations up, maybe I can start with a few tonight, at least some light strings outside?
I would also loooooooooooooove to hike tomorrow at the coast (with a stop for mushroom hunting on the way and a dip of toes into the sand and water after) after a super early appt with my dermatologist in which I'm pretty sure she's going to scoop out some chunks of skin on my arm - I've had moles biopsied before and it's gnarly, it's going to leave wounds. But much better to be safe than sorry.
...
After that crazy experience with the B12 shot, I called my botox lady on a whim after Josh tried to tell me to go to a medspa up the street that does them for $40. My lady does them for $30, she used to be a naturopath so was able to confirm some of what I had read online about it.
What Dr Griffin said: B12 is notoriously difficult to test. So a lot of NDs will just give someone a shot as a test, because if someone is not deficient, the reaction is harmless and not noticeable at all. There are no side effects for having extra B12. BUT, when someone IS deficient, the reaction can be really dramatic and immediately noticeable. She suggests doing shots every week for a month or two and then slowly ratcheting down to monthly and then maybe every other month for maintenance. Dr Griffin doesn't do extra services beyond botox and fillers in general, but she has B12 partly because she saw how helpful it was in her practice and also because of her own personal experience with her own reaction to it. So, that was really comforting and reassuring.
I'm seeing her on Thursday so I'm hoping we'll have time to add it on to my usual treatment.
After that I might look into getting a home injection kit as it is a lot less expensive that way, I just want to make sure I source it well. Cynthia should be able to help me with that.
It's just really wild how much better I feel. I am still a bit tired and droopy today, and a tiny bit extra anxious and sad, but I think a lot of that is due to poor sleep from eating bar food with Karissa last night, and despite all that, my brain fog is still nonexistent. My mood is meh but not tanked. My energy is flagging but I am not crushed. I imagine the effects will slowly fizzle until I get back to baseline after a few more shots. It would be so crazy if I could feel that good all of the time. I really thought it was just perimenopause and aging that was causing all of that. It is only causing some.
I also have a lot of symptoms of low thyroid function so I really do need to go on the hunt for another naturopath. I need someone who will be competent about testing, who will help me with thyroid assessment, a calcium score, a dexa scan, and managing my ferretin issues, among other things.
It just makes me feel so frustrated and sad that maybe my mom could have also been helped by B12 for like, so much of her life. I dunno though, she never got tired like I was, and she loved her steaks. She ate eggs every morning. But also she was running on so much alcohol.
...
It was nice catching up with Karissa, and being able to keep my eyes open past 7:30 while drinking n/a beer in a dive bar. (We were there until almost 10pm.) Friends are everything.
...
It's amazing how easy it is to get home from work during rush hour on surface streets. I am so lucky this works well and I guess just not a lot of people are traveling the direction I'm going. I am back to driving freeways somewhat, but boy am I cautious and jumpy, just on the road in general.
...
It was so sweet on Sunday, I was still flying high from the B12 and Josh and I had a nice gentle morning routine together and went to the farmers market and decided to go to Broder even though it was not a special occasion, it was just a gloriously beautiful day and I was so so happy, so we rode our bikes over there and took selfies with the troll and got seated at our favorite table with the otter and I gave our waiter persimmons from the tree by my work (Karissa and I also swapped persimmons for pineapple guava which is a new-to-me fruit!), and I was literally weeping with joy over how good the food was and how beautiful the day was and how happy I was. I think my body was just, so relieved to have that nutrient, and I was feeling the relief emotionally.
I was very very tempted to get a pumpkin cosmo that everyone was ordering, in part to make up for the lost pumpkin ale at the haunted corn maze, but a) I don't like vodka that much and b) they do now have evening cocktail hour at their Nord location (closer to my work but also closer to my friends) so instead of day drinking it might be nice to take a friend or three there some evening if I want to indulge in a small amount of alcohol.
...
Feeling a little sleepy tired cozy, I think more out of habit than anything. It's also gotten chillier now that the sun is down.
This has been the sunniest most summery October I can ever remember. I wish it were easier to go back and look at past weather patterns, because I vaguely remember an October similar to this when I was a child, and being so deliriously happy over basically getting a second summer, and just being in awe of the beauty of the sun and golden leaves every single day for well over a month. Every warm sunny sparkly bright day with golden leaves falling everywhere feels like such an extra special gift. Like the way Avalanche lifts her face to the breeze with that dreamy half-closed eye blissed out expression. It feels like that, every day. It's getting chillier at night and the mornings are nippy but the days are still sunlit and sparkling. It's so fun. We are all rejoicing. It is a little weird to not have the dreary cold weather required for baking and simmering chili and soups and watching spooky movies and donning our coziest sweaters and hats, but we are not complaining. We'll have plenty of time for all that, when it gets here.
...
Super early dermatology appt in the morning. Maybe snuggling up with youtube for the rest of the night is okay. I'll finish the dishes at least, maybe make some tea :)
extra boost
Oct. 17th, 2026 09:08 pmokay this is a little bit hyper but I was just sparkling at a fitness event and someone offered me a free B12 shot and I took it on a whim - it's not like me to let anyone poke me with anything without being forced, let alone a supplement, but, the last ND I tried took 5 vials of blood from me only to botch my test and give me zero results and I've literally never had my B12 tested.
Anyway, I FEEL INCREDIBLE. I have been fighting severe fatigue for a year and severely increased depressive symptoms for two years. Normally by 7pm I am barely able to stay awake, it's 9pm and I'm bouncing off the walls after working for four hours at a busy sparkling event. I feel HIGH. My brain works. This is wild. I just jogged up the stairs with zero pain in my legs for the first time since we bought this house, even though I did Dog Mt on Tuesday and a hard bike ride Thursday and then danced for four hours Thursday night and Josh and I hiked Bull Mountain this morning.
Since I'm basically veg, I'm wondering if this has been a bigger issue than I realized for a really long time. It would be super neat if this is a real doable long term health solution. I cannot believe how good I feel right now, I feel so awake and clear, like even my vision feels more clear. That all over body pain that I've been trying to just sleep away for months is seemingly not present? This is pretty trippy.
I do eat an egg every other day or so and I have half a cup or so of yogurt almost every morning, but I guess maybe that's not enough. I am vaguely remembering that when I was taking a liquid multivitamin that had B12 in it I did feel slightly better for a minute. I only took that for like, two weeks though. Because it was a little bit too sugary. Hmm. I know there is some reason that some bodies just can't absorb B12 through the digestive system well and shots work a lot better for them, I don't understand the mechanism but I'm wondering if this is part of what's going on with me.
Do healthy people feel this good all of the time? Can you imagine?!?!? lol
Josh is researching B12 shots now because he's so happy to see me energetic and joyful lol.
I'm really glad I took that random sparkle job and then didn't bail on them at the last minute like I wanted to. Everyone was so kind and interesting and fun to talk to and it was such a nice vibe. Something in my deeper instincts told me this would be a good opportunity for me, even though it's not at all part of my usual rotation or part of town. I am so grateful. I also met one of the owners of Gnome and Faerie, a new restaurant near where I used to sparkle in the SE part of town, that was a happy coincidence, he and I have been messaging and trying to get together for a while, so it was super lucky to make that connection. Tayler the GM offered me a free class at the gym anytime I want, too, pretty nifty. :)
Anyway, I FEEL INCREDIBLE. I have been fighting severe fatigue for a year and severely increased depressive symptoms for two years. Normally by 7pm I am barely able to stay awake, it's 9pm and I'm bouncing off the walls after working for four hours at a busy sparkling event. I feel HIGH. My brain works. This is wild. I just jogged up the stairs with zero pain in my legs for the first time since we bought this house, even though I did Dog Mt on Tuesday and a hard bike ride Thursday and then danced for four hours Thursday night and Josh and I hiked Bull Mountain this morning.
Since I'm basically veg, I'm wondering if this has been a bigger issue than I realized for a really long time. It would be super neat if this is a real doable long term health solution. I cannot believe how good I feel right now, I feel so awake and clear, like even my vision feels more clear. That all over body pain that I've been trying to just sleep away for months is seemingly not present? This is pretty trippy.
I do eat an egg every other day or so and I have half a cup or so of yogurt almost every morning, but I guess maybe that's not enough. I am vaguely remembering that when I was taking a liquid multivitamin that had B12 in it I did feel slightly better for a minute. I only took that for like, two weeks though. Because it was a little bit too sugary. Hmm. I know there is some reason that some bodies just can't absorb B12 through the digestive system well and shots work a lot better for them, I don't understand the mechanism but I'm wondering if this is part of what's going on with me.
Do healthy people feel this good all of the time? Can you imagine?!?!? lol
Josh is researching B12 shots now because he's so happy to see me energetic and joyful lol.
I'm really glad I took that random sparkle job and then didn't bail on them at the last minute like I wanted to. Everyone was so kind and interesting and fun to talk to and it was such a nice vibe. Something in my deeper instincts told me this would be a good opportunity for me, even though it's not at all part of my usual rotation or part of town. I am so grateful. I also met one of the owners of Gnome and Faerie, a new restaurant near where I used to sparkle in the SE part of town, that was a happy coincidence, he and I have been messaging and trying to get together for a while, so it was super lucky to make that connection. Tayler the GM offered me a free class at the gym anytime I want, too, pretty nifty. :)
There is a little pale pink cyclamen flower that is native to this area, I see it scattered about the neighborhood, it all bloomed at once last week, I want to restore it to our yard. There are some tiny pinkish violets too. also some little whitish weedy flowers, and others I'm forgetting the colors of, I think there's some yellow stuff? I don't think these are the kinds of things you'd ever see even in a native plant store. How to go about this.
I want to add other natives, california poppy and douglas aster, I wish I had a good place for the native rhodie to go but the owners planted the asian kind instead (and they are dying, getting smothered by the star magnolia that is already too big to trim even with a hedge trimmer which I have still failed to purchase because I don't know how to shop for such a thing and my research has led me to zero more knowledge about which tool would be best for my needs).
I was going to cut down (with Tyler's help) the little japanese maple that's planted in a terrible place up against the front of the house, but a random branch reached out tonight when I got home and literally petted me on the head, as I walked by, and now I'm not sure I'll ever have the heart to do anything but trim her.
A bird hit my bedroom window so I need to bird-proof the glass and this requires application on the OUTside of the glass or it won't work (glass glare will hide anything adhered to the inside) but I was thinking this morning instead of trying to reach it by ladder I could just open the window and reach around from the inside and paint it from here. Only the side that doesn't open needs it done because it doesn't have a screen, the other side is screened so doesn't get hit. All I need is a rope and harness and for Josh to belay me while I paint, lol.
I want to add other natives, california poppy and douglas aster, I wish I had a good place for the native rhodie to go but the owners planted the asian kind instead (and they are dying, getting smothered by the star magnolia that is already too big to trim even with a hedge trimmer which I have still failed to purchase because I don't know how to shop for such a thing and my research has led me to zero more knowledge about which tool would be best for my needs).
I was going to cut down (with Tyler's help) the little japanese maple that's planted in a terrible place up against the front of the house, but a random branch reached out tonight when I got home and literally petted me on the head, as I walked by, and now I'm not sure I'll ever have the heart to do anything but trim her.
A bird hit my bedroom window so I need to bird-proof the glass and this requires application on the OUTside of the glass or it won't work (glass glare will hide anything adhered to the inside) but I was thinking this morning instead of trying to reach it by ladder I could just open the window and reach around from the inside and paint it from here. Only the side that doesn't open needs it done because it doesn't have a screen, the other side is screened so doesn't get hit. All I need is a rope and harness and for Josh to belay me while I paint, lol.
The rain finally came back yesterday, after way too much summer weather for October - 80s and nothing but sun. I was not complaining. But it was unusual.
Now it feels like October. Avalanche is outside with a wild case of the zoomies. I feel like she is getting the feeling that oh, this is fall, we are in the last of the fun before winter drizzles us to death with its dreary endless overcast gloom.
I am secretly looking forward to cold gloomy sweater weather, to tea and crisp and cozy movies on the couch with my paint by numbers set.
There are still sunbreaks today, but it is still in the mid-50s and it is 1:30pm. My nose is running from the cold.
Had lunch, cooked Josh lunch, off to hike with Cynthia before we do pedicures and haunted corn maze later. I am going to have pumpkin beer and figure out a way to get home safely. I might have to leave my car and have Josh help me fetch it in the morning. Or! I could have him drop me off. That might be smarter.
I will be at the whim of the Halloween spirits today, in my spiderweb leggings and skeleton hoodie.
I am SO HAPPY. In a gloomy sort of way.
Now it feels like October. Avalanche is outside with a wild case of the zoomies. I feel like she is getting the feeling that oh, this is fall, we are in the last of the fun before winter drizzles us to death with its dreary endless overcast gloom.
I am secretly looking forward to cold gloomy sweater weather, to tea and crisp and cozy movies on the couch with my paint by numbers set.
There are still sunbreaks today, but it is still in the mid-50s and it is 1:30pm. My nose is running from the cold.
Had lunch, cooked Josh lunch, off to hike with Cynthia before we do pedicures and haunted corn maze later. I am going to have pumpkin beer and figure out a way to get home safely. I might have to leave my car and have Josh help me fetch it in the morning. Or! I could have him drop me off. That might be smarter.
I will be at the whim of the Halloween spirits today, in my spiderweb leggings and skeleton hoodie.
I am SO HAPPY. In a gloomy sort of way.
Had a really beautiful day.
It would be even better if I could rally enough to do a load of laundry or empty the dishwasher, but I kind of just want to curl into bed now.
It's funny how many ads I get online for antidepressant treatments of every kind, ever since taking welbutrin for a week. I've always gotten depression ads but it's way more intense and medicine focused, lately (instead of just a bunch of betterhealth ads lol). I think some of it has to do with the appts, some with the prescriptions, some with this journal.
...
Aerial gym was good today. Raven is so pleasant to talk to. Everyone talks his ear off. He's just the sweetest human.
30-somethings right now, they seem so much kinder than when I was 30-something.
maybe I just hang with better crowds, these days.
...
Andrea died one day short of her 37th birthday. I knew she was young but I did not realize how young. She had an old soul. She was so still and steady.
:(((((((((((((((((((((((
...
I read that once a week heat therapy can be beneficial for depression.
I am wondering if other healing weekly activities can be put into play, for this purpose.
I know vegetables are mood-boosting for me but have had trouble cooking for myself, recently. When Josh is gone I just don't.
I cannot wait for a couple days off next week after my scans and appointments.
No Halloween decorations went up, today. Sad. I might take myself to the pumpkin patch tomorrow after riding bikes with Cynthia, and try again tomorrow.
Thursday and Friday I'm back to work, then I'll have the weekend to try to get more work done around the house and try again if I fail to decorate tomorrow.
...
There are no reports of any fatalities (or even injuries - there's actually no mention of it at all anywhere) in the crash I witnessed on Monday, which is good good good. Not newsworthy is good. I am hoping the freaked-outedness fades, I am only driving on surface streets and still spooked and going slowly and I'm jumpy whenever it looks like a car is behaving erratically (which is often!), even though nothing bad has happened. I am happy to go slower and look around (even) more carefully at everything.
...
I want a medical alert bracelet. Not for any medical issues I have. Just so. If something happens. People can figure out who I am.
...
I wonder if AI will make humans into its pets. (I heard an NPR report about Muse today and that sounds like what that app is aiming to do.)
...
Audible pushed a free "Uncertainty" meditation at me and it was SO LOVELY, I am so grateful. I am going to try to do this one every day for a bit. It is about 15 minutes and the basic premise is, "What if something good happens?" I love this so much. So so so helpful. For this little overly anxious faery.
It would be even better if I could rally enough to do a load of laundry or empty the dishwasher, but I kind of just want to curl into bed now.
It's funny how many ads I get online for antidepressant treatments of every kind, ever since taking welbutrin for a week. I've always gotten depression ads but it's way more intense and medicine focused, lately (instead of just a bunch of betterhealth ads lol). I think some of it has to do with the appts, some with the prescriptions, some with this journal.
...
Aerial gym was good today. Raven is so pleasant to talk to. Everyone talks his ear off. He's just the sweetest human.
30-somethings right now, they seem so much kinder than when I was 30-something.
maybe I just hang with better crowds, these days.
...
Andrea died one day short of her 37th birthday. I knew she was young but I did not realize how young. She had an old soul. She was so still and steady.
:(((((((((((((((((((((((
...
I read that once a week heat therapy can be beneficial for depression.
I am wondering if other healing weekly activities can be put into play, for this purpose.
I know vegetables are mood-boosting for me but have had trouble cooking for myself, recently. When Josh is gone I just don't.
I cannot wait for a couple days off next week after my scans and appointments.
No Halloween decorations went up, today. Sad. I might take myself to the pumpkin patch tomorrow after riding bikes with Cynthia, and try again tomorrow.
Thursday and Friday I'm back to work, then I'll have the weekend to try to get more work done around the house and try again if I fail to decorate tomorrow.
...
There are no reports of any fatalities (or even injuries - there's actually no mention of it at all anywhere) in the crash I witnessed on Monday, which is good good good. Not newsworthy is good. I am hoping the freaked-outedness fades, I am only driving on surface streets and still spooked and going slowly and I'm jumpy whenever it looks like a car is behaving erratically (which is often!), even though nothing bad has happened. I am happy to go slower and look around (even) more carefully at everything.
...
I want a medical alert bracelet. Not for any medical issues I have. Just so. If something happens. People can figure out who I am.
...
I wonder if AI will make humans into its pets. (I heard an NPR report about Muse today and that sounds like what that app is aiming to do.)
...
Audible pushed a free "Uncertainty" meditation at me and it was SO LOVELY, I am so grateful. I am going to try to do this one every day for a bit. It is about 15 minutes and the basic premise is, "What if something good happens?" I love this so much. So so so helpful. For this little overly anxious faery.
Golden eagle.
Oct. 5th, 2026 10:03 amhopefully will be able to journal a bit later, need to run off to work. but just wanted to decompress for a moment.
Josh and I had a beautiful weekend at the lookout tower. It was pretty blissful the entire time. So lucky.
Avalanche was so happy when we got home, so much better than when she is locked indoors the whole time. I'm so grateful to Gretchen for carefully letting her out in the backyard in the daytime and locking her in with the locking of the cat door at night. I was able to check her air tag to make sure she never left the house (it's set to alert me if she does).
Went straight to Andrea's memorial at coffin club after. It was sooooooooo sad. Manders called it a celebration of life but it was not. It was mourning and memorializing. It is astonishingly awful to lose someone so young and so vibrant and full of life and talent and wanderlust. She was an exquisite human and never spoke a harsh word toward anyone, she was quiet but so full of creativity and magic.
I could not help but think that it could have so easily had been me, and that no such memorial would take place if so.
I wouldn't want it to, anyway. too sad.
I am so sad.
But I do feel better after stopping the welbutrin. I think sadness is just more suited to my nature. Joy doesn't fit my personality. I can have little blips of it, but my default state will always just be sad.
Right now the hardest thing is the inability to reconcile that what I love the most - the natural world, the animal world, forests and oceans, all of it - is being actively harmed every day by my very existence. My use of technology, my use of resources, my food and medicine that comes wrapped in plastics, my driving to work and to natural places so that I can (selfishly) enjoy them, lighting and heating my home, the very carbon dioxide air I exhale, all of it is harmful.
I want to reverse this, but I don't know how. I do not think I have the strength or capacity to live without any of these modern conveniences, I would have to go to africa and work at an elephant sanctuary and own nothing and eat a little rice and curry in the mornings and have that be my life - or something similar - I don't think I am strong enough to live that way. I would miss the sweet little things about my life here. My cat, my husband, my berries and persimmons.
I do many little things to reduce my impact. The largest of which being not having any children. Not flying anywhere far and avoiding flight whenever possible. Avoiding extra driving trips. Using reusable containers and cups. Buying used and thrifted clothing and furniture and other items. Not eating meat or fish (I am trying to get off dairy as well). Avoiding frivolous purchases, avoiding chemicals that stay in the environment forever, painstakingly avoiding wasteful behavior. I could go on. But none of it feels anything close to enough to make up for the guilt of my existence harming what I love most, every day.
At least, I won't live forever?
I also just very much miss my mother, I am still working on ever remembering her with anything other than sorrow. Same with dad. And my brother even though he is still here. sigh.
Must work.
I will keep working on this in therapy, I dumped it on my therapist last week and he agreed that we should not just dismiss it. Even though I feel crazy saying these things to him. To anyone.
...
Merlin picked up a Golden Eagle call at the lookout. !!!
I've always wondered why there are not bald eagles in that area. Because it seems like prime eagle habitat. (A river, lakes, and multiple fisheries.) Now I know why.
Josh and I had a beautiful weekend at the lookout tower. It was pretty blissful the entire time. So lucky.
Avalanche was so happy when we got home, so much better than when she is locked indoors the whole time. I'm so grateful to Gretchen for carefully letting her out in the backyard in the daytime and locking her in with the locking of the cat door at night. I was able to check her air tag to make sure she never left the house (it's set to alert me if she does).
Went straight to Andrea's memorial at coffin club after. It was sooooooooo sad. Manders called it a celebration of life but it was not. It was mourning and memorializing. It is astonishingly awful to lose someone so young and so vibrant and full of life and talent and wanderlust. She was an exquisite human and never spoke a harsh word toward anyone, she was quiet but so full of creativity and magic.
I could not help but think that it could have so easily had been me, and that no such memorial would take place if so.
I wouldn't want it to, anyway. too sad.
I am so sad.
But I do feel better after stopping the welbutrin. I think sadness is just more suited to my nature. Joy doesn't fit my personality. I can have little blips of it, but my default state will always just be sad.
Right now the hardest thing is the inability to reconcile that what I love the most - the natural world, the animal world, forests and oceans, all of it - is being actively harmed every day by my very existence. My use of technology, my use of resources, my food and medicine that comes wrapped in plastics, my driving to work and to natural places so that I can (selfishly) enjoy them, lighting and heating my home, the very carbon dioxide air I exhale, all of it is harmful.
I want to reverse this, but I don't know how. I do not think I have the strength or capacity to live without any of these modern conveniences, I would have to go to africa and work at an elephant sanctuary and own nothing and eat a little rice and curry in the mornings and have that be my life - or something similar - I don't think I am strong enough to live that way. I would miss the sweet little things about my life here. My cat, my husband, my berries and persimmons.
I do many little things to reduce my impact. The largest of which being not having any children. Not flying anywhere far and avoiding flight whenever possible. Avoiding extra driving trips. Using reusable containers and cups. Buying used and thrifted clothing and furniture and other items. Not eating meat or fish (I am trying to get off dairy as well). Avoiding frivolous purchases, avoiding chemicals that stay in the environment forever, painstakingly avoiding wasteful behavior. I could go on. But none of it feels anything close to enough to make up for the guilt of my existence harming what I love most, every day.
At least, I won't live forever?
I also just very much miss my mother, I am still working on ever remembering her with anything other than sorrow. Same with dad. And my brother even though he is still here. sigh.
Must work.
I will keep working on this in therapy, I dumped it on my therapist last week and he agreed that we should not just dismiss it. Even though I feel crazy saying these things to him. To anyone.
...
Merlin picked up a Golden Eagle call at the lookout. !!!
I've always wondered why there are not bald eagles in that area. Because it seems like prime eagle habitat. (A river, lakes, and multiple fisheries.) Now I know why.
can't control the tears.
Sep. 30th, 2026 10:13 amJust met with a psychiatrist. She was really very sweet, like a lil angel. She is older than me. I feel so lucky. She is new to the hospital system I am in so she has a lot of availability, kind of like what happened when I found my current therapist - he was just getting started. Right place at the right time kind of thing. I am very grateful.
So just decompressing from that a little bit. I am going to cook something for Josh in a few minutes, and then try to get a bike ride in. After some rain in the wee hours, it's shaping up to be a beautiful mostly overcast/partly sunny day.
So much I want to do before the lookout tower. I would like to get my hair henna done, do some laundry, ship an order, clean my room. (More housework is needed but not going to put pressure on myself around it right now.)
Gretchen will watch Avalanche for us, she's being so kind. Avalanche went right to her when she came over last night, a very good sign.
Need to get some groceries. I wonder if I should surprise Josh with Thai food for lunch. I've been making him the same thing for lunch every day. He likes it and it's really easy (a bowl of rice that, when there are five minutes of cooking time left, I throw in onion, beans, broccoli, tomatoes, carrots, and/or whatever veggies looked good at the coop (sometimes it's beets or bok choy or peppers or radishes or whatever) salsa, and I top it with cheese after the veggies steam for five or so minutes - I cook some sort of meat or fish on the side to go with it), so it's hard to get out of the rut I guess. Sometimes I sauté tofu and veggies but that is a lot more work, so are tacos, and protein pasta requires sauce and noodles that I don't think I have at the moment - I'll check. Sometimes I do lentils or split peas but he doesn't like that as much. There is a potato and pinto beans with cheese recipe that he found that I do occasionally, but the potatoes take forever. He loves toasted garbanzo beans, which I can put on salad, but it's messy and high labor to season them well, toast them correctly, and sliver the carrots, onions, and beets for the salad. The beans and rice with veggies is just so easy.
baked the first apple/pear crisp of the season yesterday. It is so perfect and comforting.
K trying to get my day straight here.
* cook for Josh
* ship order
* groceries - don't forget water for GRLO
* maybe return goodwill (I think I'm going to not work on the moss dragon just yet, it doesn't feel right) items and look for Halloween stuff?
* bike ride?
* henna hair
* laundry
* clean/tidy room, organize stationery/create stationery area
* group therapy at 2:15
* ride with Cynthia after work?
* walk at Bull Mt park?
* set appts for the next month and create web post and email for end-of-October (limited) sparkle work schedule
* pay naturopath invoices and review labs (did a whole bunch of medical stuff yesterday, but not this one yet)
* I want to buy zinnia and california poppy seeds even though I know nothing about growing anything. The internet keeps telling me it's not too late to sew them. We are having an incredibly mild fall, so far. I want to try.
I found out that my reaction to my pneumo-vax is very common, the nurse I talked to had just seen this in another patient, nothing to worry about. yay. I should expect the same thing with the shingles vaccine, which she suggested I wait a month or two to get to let my body recover from this one. Fun times.
Gretchen refuses to let me pay her for cat sitting. I should get her a gift or something. sigh. She's helping out a bunch with her daughter Audrey's vending over the spooky season, it's sweet. She is the kindest most loving person. I always wonder if people who are like this had, or have, familial support, emotional and/or financial, that I never had, that makes it so easy for them to be so generous and thoughtful. I am working on it. I used to be an over-giver and I dialed it back too far. Trying to reach a happy medium, where I can be kind and helpful without hemorrhaging needed resources and time for my own well-being.
I was feeling kind of okay this morning but after the appt I feel really bad. It's just, really hard, to have to explain my depression symptoms to people. I can't control the tears.
I've been doing short walks in the morning during sunrise, just around the neighborhood, it's 9 minutes (I timed it this morning), today during the walk Merlin picked up 21 birds. (And I'm pretty sure it skipped a couple.) Migration season in full effect.
I had my window open for much of the night last night because I was roasting - I guess I put my comforter on my bed too soon - and heard the most unusual call at around 3am that I've never heard before. It started as almost a kind of snarly trill that would evolve into a beautiful long three toned whistle/call, with a longer tone on the last one. It was the same every time. I heard it at least a dozen times, but it was very faint, and Merlin couldn't hear it. I guess perhaps it wasn't a bird, being the middle of the night and not registering on Merlin, but I can't imagine what else would make a sound like that. It sounded otherworldly. It was not a dream.
I want to take the rest of October off (I'm booked through the 15th so I mean after that), to rebuild my website and do some marketing for it, take new product photos, maybe start some new youtube content, to fix my calendaring systems, to work on my art and wings, to reset my house and figure out how to clean and decorate it. I haven't taken any extended time off since the surgery last winter. I also desperately want to continue to declutter (and create some youtube content around that), I want less stuff. It's too much, but it's so scary to let go. I have done so much work around this and it's so much better than it was, but I want to do better.
Wish I could find a new book to read. Need more comfort material on audible. Something rich but gentle. I tried to start Middlemarch but I think that would to better as not-audio, as a paper book to read, and I am not in the mood to follow the details of victorian social nuances down to the buttons on people's outfits and what that signifies about their social standing. my brain loves that stuff, just, not right now. (My younger brain loved that stuff. Maybe it's too late for me.)
That feeling of sun on my face feeling like sun hitting a polluted gutter. It's warm and full of life and not received in the way I wish I could.
Tinnitus like a hot electric pink cloud of auditory pain.
I feel like a pile of sludge and I just want to watch Sleepy Hollow (Tim Burton version) and do nothing. But it's too sunny and there is too much to do.
So just decompressing from that a little bit. I am going to cook something for Josh in a few minutes, and then try to get a bike ride in. After some rain in the wee hours, it's shaping up to be a beautiful mostly overcast/partly sunny day.
So much I want to do before the lookout tower. I would like to get my hair henna done, do some laundry, ship an order, clean my room. (More housework is needed but not going to put pressure on myself around it right now.)
Gretchen will watch Avalanche for us, she's being so kind. Avalanche went right to her when she came over last night, a very good sign.
Need to get some groceries. I wonder if I should surprise Josh with Thai food for lunch. I've been making him the same thing for lunch every day. He likes it and it's really easy (a bowl of rice that, when there are five minutes of cooking time left, I throw in onion, beans, broccoli, tomatoes, carrots, and/or whatever veggies looked good at the coop (sometimes it's beets or bok choy or peppers or radishes or whatever) salsa, and I top it with cheese after the veggies steam for five or so minutes - I cook some sort of meat or fish on the side to go with it), so it's hard to get out of the rut I guess. Sometimes I sauté tofu and veggies but that is a lot more work, so are tacos, and protein pasta requires sauce and noodles that I don't think I have at the moment - I'll check. Sometimes I do lentils or split peas but he doesn't like that as much. There is a potato and pinto beans with cheese recipe that he found that I do occasionally, but the potatoes take forever. He loves toasted garbanzo beans, which I can put on salad, but it's messy and high labor to season them well, toast them correctly, and sliver the carrots, onions, and beets for the salad. The beans and rice with veggies is just so easy.
baked the first apple/pear crisp of the season yesterday. It is so perfect and comforting.
K trying to get my day straight here.
* cook for Josh
* ship order
* groceries - don't forget water for GRLO
* maybe return goodwill (I think I'm going to not work on the moss dragon just yet, it doesn't feel right) items and look for Halloween stuff?
* bike ride?
* henna hair
* laundry
* clean/tidy room, organize stationery/create stationery area
* group therapy at 2:15
* ride with Cynthia after work?
* walk at Bull Mt park?
* set appts for the next month and create web post and email for end-of-October (limited) sparkle work schedule
* pay naturopath invoices and review labs (did a whole bunch of medical stuff yesterday, but not this one yet)
* I want to buy zinnia and california poppy seeds even though I know nothing about growing anything. The internet keeps telling me it's not too late to sew them. We are having an incredibly mild fall, so far. I want to try.
I found out that my reaction to my pneumo-vax is very common, the nurse I talked to had just seen this in another patient, nothing to worry about. yay. I should expect the same thing with the shingles vaccine, which she suggested I wait a month or two to get to let my body recover from this one. Fun times.
Gretchen refuses to let me pay her for cat sitting. I should get her a gift or something. sigh. She's helping out a bunch with her daughter Audrey's vending over the spooky season, it's sweet. She is the kindest most loving person. I always wonder if people who are like this had, or have, familial support, emotional and/or financial, that I never had, that makes it so easy for them to be so generous and thoughtful. I am working on it. I used to be an over-giver and I dialed it back too far. Trying to reach a happy medium, where I can be kind and helpful without hemorrhaging needed resources and time for my own well-being.
I was feeling kind of okay this morning but after the appt I feel really bad. It's just, really hard, to have to explain my depression symptoms to people. I can't control the tears.
I've been doing short walks in the morning during sunrise, just around the neighborhood, it's 9 minutes (I timed it this morning), today during the walk Merlin picked up 21 birds. (And I'm pretty sure it skipped a couple.) Migration season in full effect.
I had my window open for much of the night last night because I was roasting - I guess I put my comforter on my bed too soon - and heard the most unusual call at around 3am that I've never heard before. It started as almost a kind of snarly trill that would evolve into a beautiful long three toned whistle/call, with a longer tone on the last one. It was the same every time. I heard it at least a dozen times, but it was very faint, and Merlin couldn't hear it. I guess perhaps it wasn't a bird, being the middle of the night and not registering on Merlin, but I can't imagine what else would make a sound like that. It sounded otherworldly. It was not a dream.
I want to take the rest of October off (I'm booked through the 15th so I mean after that), to rebuild my website and do some marketing for it, take new product photos, maybe start some new youtube content, to fix my calendaring systems, to work on my art and wings, to reset my house and figure out how to clean and decorate it. I haven't taken any extended time off since the surgery last winter. I also desperately want to continue to declutter (and create some youtube content around that), I want less stuff. It's too much, but it's so scary to let go. I have done so much work around this and it's so much better than it was, but I want to do better.
Wish I could find a new book to read. Need more comfort material on audible. Something rich but gentle. I tried to start Middlemarch but I think that would to better as not-audio, as a paper book to read, and I am not in the mood to follow the details of victorian social nuances down to the buttons on people's outfits and what that signifies about their social standing. my brain loves that stuff, just, not right now. (My younger brain loved that stuff. Maybe it's too late for me.)
That feeling of sun on my face feeling like sun hitting a polluted gutter. It's warm and full of life and not received in the way I wish I could.
Tinnitus like a hot electric pink cloud of auditory pain.
I feel like a pile of sludge and I just want to watch Sleepy Hollow (Tim Burton version) and do nothing. But it's too sunny and there is too much to do.
like a rather blustery day
Sep. 25th, 2026 11:50 amJust accepted a last minute gig for Doernbecker Children's Hospital. It's for a family picnic for survivors and their families in the pediatric hematology oncology program. They will have several princesses and superheroes and face painting and one of my students is already hired to sparkle (she was also featured in the Portland Monthly magazine article two years ago along with myself), we are not friends but I am on good terms with her, it'll be fine. I imagine since I will be in wings and with a bright purple pop-up canopy and a huge purple sparkle banner, I will attract more attention than her, which is fine.
This is really helpful for me in terms of feeling good about myself and doing good things for others. I am also going to sparkle for Patty's celebration of life in October (it's during the Thriller zombie flashmob performance but that's fine, I don't need to dance after 12 years straight, I can skip a year, I might still help with practice), which also helps.
...
I just took my second Welbutrin pill. I had totally forgotten that this is not actually an SSRI, it inhibits dopamine and norepinephrine reuptake, not serotonin. I imagine I might feel a little jittery on it the first couple weeks. Upside: It is actually prescribed for sexual dysfunction, and it also acts as a mild appetite suppressant in some people (and helps with addictions of all kinds). So the normal "weight gain and low sex drive" side effects with the SSRI's are absent from this medication. YAY.
My tinnitus is SCREAMING at me this morning and I really really hope it's unrelated, ugh.
....
A crazy storm blew in last night, Avalanche ran inside all drenched and excited telling me all about it (she doesn't fear rain, though it's not her favorite), and had the zoomies this morning outside every time the wind blew. The leaves make such a rustling and it really activates her, she gets all wild-eyed and bushy-tailed, it's adorable.
Josh and I both had nightmares and trouble sleeping. So much wind and it POURED rain in the beginning. Now there are leaves upon leaves upon leaves everywhere. But the sun is trying to break through. Yay.
...
I have lots to do to prepare for the event tomorrow, it's outside so that means I have to find my pop-up tent cover, chairs, bring my table from the studio, get the banner and table covers and extra mushroom stool and and and. Must figure out a nice way to display sparkles that won't blow over easily (maybe just a binder - might look for something at Freddies on the way home, my current binder has seen better days!). Launder all the faery stuff I just wore at the festival last weekend. Josh is being a dear and giving me a ride to and from (and can hopefully help setup and break down), we'll go out for lunch after in Lake Oswego since it's happening in the park, yaaaaaaaaay.
Dinner tonight with Laura and Tom again, double yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
I am still a bit headachy from the vaccine but almost back to normal aside from the arm soreness and can maybe do a little workout later I hope I hope. It has been nice to be forced to rest, though.
...
Avi is twitching and mewing in her sleep. I am so grateful that she gets to have so much enrichment in the back yard every day. No escapes in a long time, no mishaps, seems like our measures to secure the yard are working well enough for now. Her world is so much bigger now, I think it's healthy and good for her little brain and body. What a lucky girl. I get to hear redwing blackbirds daily, still. The upsides of this house are many and I am so grateful.
Yay sunshine shimmering on wet trees :)
Gotta run to work, I will be humming this to myself on the way...
This is really helpful for me in terms of feeling good about myself and doing good things for others. I am also going to sparkle for Patty's celebration of life in October (it's during the Thriller zombie flashmob performance but that's fine, I don't need to dance after 12 years straight, I can skip a year, I might still help with practice), which also helps.
...
I just took my second Welbutrin pill. I had totally forgotten that this is not actually an SSRI, it inhibits dopamine and norepinephrine reuptake, not serotonin. I imagine I might feel a little jittery on it the first couple weeks. Upside: It is actually prescribed for sexual dysfunction, and it also acts as a mild appetite suppressant in some people (and helps with addictions of all kinds). So the normal "weight gain and low sex drive" side effects with the SSRI's are absent from this medication. YAY.
My tinnitus is SCREAMING at me this morning and I really really hope it's unrelated, ugh.
....
A crazy storm blew in last night, Avalanche ran inside all drenched and excited telling me all about it (she doesn't fear rain, though it's not her favorite), and had the zoomies this morning outside every time the wind blew. The leaves make such a rustling and it really activates her, she gets all wild-eyed and bushy-tailed, it's adorable.
Josh and I both had nightmares and trouble sleeping. So much wind and it POURED rain in the beginning. Now there are leaves upon leaves upon leaves everywhere. But the sun is trying to break through. Yay.
...
I have lots to do to prepare for the event tomorrow, it's outside so that means I have to find my pop-up tent cover, chairs, bring my table from the studio, get the banner and table covers and extra mushroom stool and and and. Must figure out a nice way to display sparkles that won't blow over easily (maybe just a binder - might look for something at Freddies on the way home, my current binder has seen better days!). Launder all the faery stuff I just wore at the festival last weekend. Josh is being a dear and giving me a ride to and from (and can hopefully help setup and break down), we'll go out for lunch after in Lake Oswego since it's happening in the park, yaaaaaaaaay.
Dinner tonight with Laura and Tom again, double yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
I am still a bit headachy from the vaccine but almost back to normal aside from the arm soreness and can maybe do a little workout later I hope I hope. It has been nice to be forced to rest, though.
...
Avi is twitching and mewing in her sleep. I am so grateful that she gets to have so much enrichment in the back yard every day. No escapes in a long time, no mishaps, seems like our measures to secure the yard are working well enough for now. Her world is so much bigger now, I think it's healthy and good for her little brain and body. What a lucky girl. I get to hear redwing blackbirds daily, still. The upsides of this house are many and I am so grateful.
Yay sunshine shimmering on wet trees :)
Gotta run to work, I will be humming this to myself on the way...
