Fun with depression.

[serafaery]

Haven't been doing too great lately. Lots of fatigue and trying to withdraw from the world. Work is getting on my nerves to the point that when one of my co-workers who is out on maternity leave brought her baby in for everyone to coo over, I ducked out and went home. Without saying anything. Three hours early.

It's depression. I know it, I know this feeling. Old familiar weight. Everything feels heavy and impossible. Socialization on any level is exhausting and unbearable, often tear-inducing. Things that should not bring about doomy gloomy thoughts cause devastating negative emotional reactions in me.

I know intellectually what is going on and how to work through it, but it's just so ridiculously draining. I feel like I'm wearing a layer of lead. My skin hurts, my muscles hurt, existing hurts.

I am inclined to go back on meds, having this reminder of exactly how painful this illness is. But so much chemically weirdness is so uncomfortable. I want to be free of that so I can feel healthier. But I can't appreciate feeling healthier if I'm so depressed that I'm making myself sick every day. (The remnants of my cold still linger, clinging to the inside of my sinuses.)

If I can just drag my ass through this a bit and try to pull myself out of the muck, I might have a chance of being okay. But everything feels so fucking heavy. I'm so tired of walking through air that feels like molasses. Rest doesn't help. I sleep and sleep and I'm always tired. Food doesn't help. Exercise would help but I'm so tired.

All I want is to be able to walk without struggling. To feel light. To be able to breathe. To be able to smile and be myself without alcohol or burrowing in bed with my cat. Wellbutrin gives me that, at least some of the time. A weight lifted. But I don't want the itchy scalp and ear ringing (which is worse right now, oddly), the dizzy spells when I miss a pill, random night sweats, gross gross gross.

Money is too tight and I feel incapable of dealing with it. I really don't want to pay to see my doctor.

I have no interest in forcing my friends to do any kind of celebrating for my birthday, which will make it horrible, and make me feel lonely and valueless. This is familiar.

...

Going to see if I can put in a load a laundry and cook myself some dinner. Do dishes maybe.

...

Looking through pixie_journal's latest series of photos is inspiring. The way she finds what's beautiful about people and lets it shine through her photos.

...

Didn't spin poi today. Too cold. Too heavy-feeling. I seriously need to live in a sunny, warm place if I can't exercise daily. I can't take this. Not by myself.

...

Maybe after dinner I'll play with my face paints a bit. Didn't wear any makeup all day and my skin is all happy and glowy from it.

Comments

[zzrg.livejournal.com]

Arrrrr.... depression sucks. Last fall I was doing everything right and I was still being sucked under my overwhelming feelings of sadness. I went to the doctor, something I hate, and went on an anti-depressant, something I hate, and within a couple of days I felt better than I had in over a year. Sometimes if your brain chemistry is against you, I think medication can be the only way out. The entire concept of taking medication kind of pisses me off, but should I let that stand in my way of taking care of myself? I had to ask myself was I the kind of person who if dying of thirst came across some bottled water would turn my nose up at it because it was too expensive or I had a strong preference for tap?

Whatever you decide to do, hang in there.

[chavtasticjinx.livejournal.com]

I know this probably sounds like a really really stupid thing to suggest (because I TOTALLY scoffed when it was suggested to me by my (awesome) doctor when I pitched a fit about not wanting to be on meds) but I have to admit that St. John's Wort actually helps me. A lot. Like, I can REALLY tell when I forget to take it.

Admittedly it doesn't make everything marshmallows and roses (and that would be... scary...) but as it was described to me "when you're in a pit, it's nice to have a ladder"...

This is all my experience, of course. Everyone's results may vary. I am not a medical doctor and I do not play one on tv. :)

[bobsully.livejournal.com]

(( hugs ))

You have great value. I will get out that way to visit my mom sometime this Summer. Can we celebrate your birthday then?

I would love to live somewhere tropical, but for now the hot tub will have to do...

You seem so perceptive of you situation, if you can stay focused and move on those things you know will benefit you, even if feeling lethargic.

[anthalus.livejournal.com]

Have you tried St John's Wort? It is one of the few herbal medications that have been studied and supported by Western medical science...

[rexluthor.livejournal.com]

Boy I could probably write a lot about depression...
I was living the kind of life where nothing seemed to be going right for me but whenever I got knocked down I always was able to get back up, brush myself off and come up with a plan to make things better. It just got to the point one day where I just had a constant feeling of the impending moment when the other shoe would drop and I just couldn't come up with another plan. In short, I was hopelessly lost. I went to therapy which for me was a process where I was allowed to bring the things to the surface that I wanted for my life that just got choked down due to a variety of factors. Once I was able to embrace these things a funny thing started to happen. My bad luck started to turn into good luck. When I needed an apartment I found one. When I needed a job I found one. etc. It was like previously these obstacles were thrown up because I was on the wrong path. Once I got on the right path-things started going my way. So for me I don't look at depression as some kind of thing to be managed but a symptom of something larger, that something inside of me needs out or to needs be acknowledged. And so I'll leave you with the best advice I ever read, even if it doesn't apply to your situation it's still good advice in general: if you hear a voice inside you repeatedly telling you something, it's there for a reason. Listen to it.