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Because I LOVED Tron, and I loved the first Tron that came out when I was 7, I need to share - this moment in Tron: Ares when I almost lost it for the adorableness of the throwback action that was happening (it happened a lot in this movie).

Positive and Negative, huh? )
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had wanted so much to journal last night, but was so so exhausted, it was a crazy day.

Shadowplay was really nice Thursday night, despite the unsavory elements in the club. Its location is sketchy and there is no admittance policy, no cover, no dress code, for Thursday nights, so literally anyone off the street can wander in, and they do. My shirt got moved which never happens, I tucked it back behind Derek like I used to always do, and I stuck a little closer to him than usual. He asked if I was okay at one point, and I said sure, it's just too noisy a place to chat about my health problems. "I'm okay just my left boob hurts so much I can't raise my arm because it got stabbed with a giant needle and also they found a potential precursor to cancer and they want to chop it all out of me and I'm a bit freaked out but yeah I'm good" is not an appropriate late night answer to shout over the music, yanno.

breast health issues. )

There was a moment at Shadowplay when an unsavory dude who was vaping asked me my name while I was trying to dance. I shook my head in a silent decline but there wasn't much space to get away from him, and he stayed leaning over me. A new-ish regular who is this lovely svelte older gentleman who always wears skin tight vinyl shorts, stiletto heels, leather straps, and a mask, carefully, thoughtfully, wedged his little body between me and the vape dude. I have not even learned this guy's name yet, though we have been dancing together for two or three months now. I was so grateful.

One would think at age 50 I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore, but here we are.

It was a lovely night regardless, I got long snuggly hugs with Derek and Manders and I danced some, I am a little annoyed that after her slight breast cancer scare earlier this year that she didn't even acknowledge that I had a biopsy, let alone bothered to ask about the results. But whatevs. It's just more clarity for me that she is not someone I can invest energy into, it's just sad.

I went home sort of early for me, so I was able to get up early enough to clean the entire apartment before work, which felt really, really good. I baked a pumpkin pie, I did all the dishes, I cooked my mushrooms and vegetables and made a really beautiful healthy lunch, I am determined to work on my snacking issues and get back down to a shape I don't dislike so much. I am only 5-8lbs overweight, it's not catastrophic and it is fixable, so I am focusing on this as much as I can, went back to my weight loss meditations, part of this is the breast health scare and wanting to avoid sugar and processed foods as much as possible. Back to cruciferous vegetables on a daily basis for me, hopefully!

The morning Friday was sort of the quiet before the storm, I was able to get outside for my usual ten minutes of outside time with my self-care app and coffee before the rain started. I met a cute little doggie named Georgie. The sky was beautiful and moody as the storm rolled in. By the time I was fed and packed up for work and heading out, it was dumping rain. It did that allllllll day.

Work was intense. I had new people, familiar people, someone who asked for a lesson, someone who I often find challenging to be in the same room with, and then the darling lovely Alisa for two hours straight in the afternoon. She had asked me for extra sparkles as she has multiple trips coming up and also had to put down her 18 year old cat a few days ago. I gave her a little sympathy card, not much but it was something, I drew little paw-prints on it while I had my coffee break at Albina Press before sparkling her. I stood inside and doodled on her card while the rain poured down through the open door next to me, it was so beautiful. I love open air but cozy covered areas like that when it's pouring but not very cold, like it was yesterday.

Alisa wants to go for the world record of most sparkles in her hair of anyone ever, and I am more than happy to help her. Her appt alone cost as much as I sometimes made in an entire day's work, I was very very grateful. But also completely wiped out and exhausted, after. It took forever to clean up all the little sparkle remnants all over the floor, and of course it's a lot to talk about dead animals, a topic that is so hard to avoid when it has just happened to someone. She's delightful and I loved every minute of it but boy was I tired after. I think the dancing the night before plus cleaning the entire apartment the next morning (an hour and a half straight of physical work) was part of it, too, of course.

After I finally had everything cleaned and put away, the sun popped out and there was the most vivid, bright, spectacular rainbow I can ever remember seeing. I just stood and gazed, and took my time picking wet persimmons while watching the leaves of all the trees around me glowing in the sun under that stunning rainbow. It's such a beautiful phenomenon, how lucky are we to live in such a shockingly gorgeous universe.

Went to the grocery store and it was so hard to go inside because the sky was so beautiful. The rainbow faded and all this blue sky with whispy white and golden clouds showed up, colliding with the dark grey and orange roiling storm clouds that had moved east. Watching these two cold fronts come together was a wonder to witness, and I couldn't stop staring for quite a while.

Got home and kind of collapsed. I had hoped to do more chores but I couldn't even journal, I just slept and set an alarm so I could go pick up Josh at the airport later. His flight was delayed so he didn't land until 11:30pm, I was able to fill his tank on the way there, so at least one chore happened. I've been back on my physical therapy and vitamins and skin routine and all of that, my diet is better, I'm starting to perk back up after a slight crash, I think all the sudden scans and procedures after my first mammogram kind of messed me up. I'll be okay.

Looking forward to checking out a new venue with Josh this evening, need to hop in the shower and get ready. My DJ is playing! I'm excited to try out a new place. I skipped Thriller for the first time in like, 15 years today. I just didn't want to be a zombie and go dance in the rain (it's covered, but still, it's outside and one gets muddy getting in and out of the park). I didn't want to dress up, and it still hurts to raise my left arm. Alas. Hopefully I can go back next year. I just... didn't want to? And it seems like they had good attendance and support, this year, without me, which I am glad for. It was a labor of love and maybe I just fell a little bit out of love with it.

Speaking of falling out of love, I should probably tell Finley that I'm leaving.

I haven't gotten my halloween decorations out yet and I'm actually okay with it. There are extenuating circumstances this year, it's okay. I might still grab a few things tomorrow, we'll see how much energy I have. If not, that's fine. I've been wearing all of my halloween clothes and halloween is always alive in my heart, that counts for a lot.

...

Avalanche is doing well, she's a happy kitty. I brushed her for a bit while trying to write this. She's passed out with her favorite toys on the bed, now.

Before Josh got home, I finished off a bin of peanut butter I was saving for when he was gone. I had it with cinnamon and apple slices and it was the most delicious dinner imaginable. I love apples and peanut butter so much.

Excited for sweater weather, soup, and more pies.
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I'm soooooooo sad, I had to get a sudden breast biopsy yesterday with no warning, and I'm not supposed to do anything exerting, so I cannot climb Dog Mountain today as planned, I wanted to go sooooooo badly.

I took a walk around my old neighborhood, bought way too expensive groceries, and got a coffee that was way too sweet (it was called "butter coffee" but it's just a boatload of sugar, gross - I was expecting like a paleo MCT oil aka "bullet coffee" type flavor, sigh, sugar is the last thing I need when I have suspicious looking calcifications and am getting checked for cancer) after taking Josh to the airport for another work trip. He hasn't recovered from the last trip and is nervous about traveling again so soon, I worry for him.

I thought, okay, I will pivot and FINALLY get the floors swept and pull out Halloween decorations, since I can't hikw, but here it is 2pm and I'm shut down and not moving :(

My boob hurts :(

Trying to journal myself out of the paralysis.

I want to bake, also, I need to use up pumpkin and sweet potato.

Most important is cleaning, Avalanche is starting to get irritated from the dirty floors (her eyes swell up if I let it go too long, poor baby).

The sun popped back out, I wish I were on a hike in the gorge, I thought about doing something smaller like Angel's Rest, but it's so pretty here today I think I will try to just do a bike ride later instead, sunset-ish bike rides can be nice, despite the traffic - once I get off the busy streets it can be quite pleasant. I like watching the sky change and the crows head to roost. Sunrise this morning was glorious.

Maybe if I eat a microgreens salad to balance out that gross sugar coffee - my throat is sore from it, which is a common reaction when I have too much sugar, it's very toxic to this little fragile body. It gets hard to resist this time of year with all the candy everywhere. I want! But it makes me sick! But I want!

I have two massive long work days ahead of me and it will be stormy the rest of the month which means we lost our window to get the roof on the house which is sad. But we have a house which is crazy, I know I should be grateful but I'm still mostly just scared and a little bit in shock.

...

We saw Tron: Ares last night and I LOVED it so much! It is wonderful. It might help that I am old enough to have an emotional attachment to the first movie, so all the throwbacks were delightful, and I've had a crush on Jared Leto since MSCL back when I was a teenager. It is, I must say, SO refreshing to see someone in their 50s doing action sequences, it makes me feel less hobbled and feeble and what is the word I'm looking for, haggard I guess - I feel like I can't move smoothly or gracefully like I used to, my quick-twitch movements are fading, I cannot sprint or jump anymore, but Jared did just fine, he could pull off the "superhuman strength" appearance just fine at his age. Maybe all is not quite lost, just yet.

I mean, I have early onset arthritis so part of it is not my age but my genetics.

I feel 60-80 years old, most days. I've felt older than I am since my chronic pain began at age 22, before my hip dysplasia got diagnosed, and after hip reconstruction at age 28 I never really felt youthful again. I've always felt vaguely crippled but making the best of it.

uuugghhh so much of me wants to just curl back up into bed. But a clean apartment would be so wonderful. I will watch some housekeeping videos and eat some salad and see how I feel.

...

A dear friend of mine who has always dealt with her high levels of trauma with avoidance is thinking about seeking therapy due to her crippling anxiety, which she feels is a result of not dealing with her trauma. It makes me think about my obscene level of acceptance of mine, to the point that I have been skirting the edge of ego death for a while, now. I think about my insignificance and lack of mattering in this universe alllll the time. I think about how the self is a made-up concept ALL of the time. How my reactions are just biological results of whatever this body has experienced in its 50 years of existence, how little control I have over anything ever. How I'm never really safe, never really held, never really witnessed fully, never really anything meaningful in this world. I get smaller and smaller and little things mean more and more. I am sinking into that elderly space where just looking at the sky is joyful enough to keep going through the day. simple beauty. I will never matter in whatever way I thought I was supposed do. I am a fleeting speck of dust, will not be missed when I am absorbed back into the un-life-ness of existence. It doesn't matter. But it seems like it does, that's the part that can be hard to contend with. I look it right smack in the face, a LOT. It's not normal. I've been forced into this. It can be really scary and a very sickening, empty feeling. But it's important in order to be okay with the imperfection of this little fleeting life I get to live, for however long. I just. Wish I didn't hate beautiful spectacles of wildlife - I became unable to enjoy any wildlife videos after the polar bears started dying of starvation in the 90s. I can't watch oceans or jungles or birds or anything without a sickening sense of dread, due to the mass extinction event that is happening to all of it. And it is my absolute favorite thing ABOUT this planet. It makes me so sad that I have to turn away from what I love most, because it is too painful to think about it all going away.

Anyway. I have been crippled and an emotional wreck for most of my life, but I still think it's a better tactic to look this sort of messy emotional stuff straight in the face, rather than run from it.

When nearly all of your grandparents and parents die horrifically in front of you, each in their own slow terrible way, each in their own time, there isn't anymore hiding from the painful cruelty of a mortal existence. There are of course beautiful things, too, and it is absolutely critical to focus on those, and not let the horrors take over entirely. But awareness is key. Living in the darkness makes the brightness all the more precious and beautiful and a balm to this frightened, aching, tiny little spirit. Closing the door on it jut makes it loom larger in the background, I suspect. Just the charming twist and twirl of the stem of a pumpkin can be enough to get me through the day. When I'm always aware that nothing will save me and I am doomed to pain and oblivion, eventually. For the moment, I live in heaven, and I try my best to appreciate and relish it and not take it for granted. Look at this sunshine! Look at these stunningly vibrant leaves! Look at these clever, funny crows. Today, despite the pain and difficulty motivating, I can be happy and feel some sense of peace, however fleeting.
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It is the most spectacularly beautiful October day in all of existence. I had a beautiful bike ride with Cynthia this morning, after using my jumper cables and car battery to jump start a homeless guy's car who was parked where the city wanted to do some tree-trimming. He was super nice, I am sad for his circumstances.

I have to go get a biopsy of my left breast today and I am angry and scared. I don't think there is anything to worry about, it is just because I have "extremely dense breasts" and didn't have a baseline for my first scan because I have always found mammography to be barbaric - I read a history of its development when I was younger and it is sexist as fuck. I am quite certain that this is not how they scan for testicular cancer - so I waited until age 50 to do it. This is my punishment. I am still in pain from the additional scans I had to do yesterday, I am considering taking some ancient hoarded vicodin before I leave, though I probably shouldn't be driving on that stuff. Even if it's ten years old and has lost most of its potency.

Sigh.

I had a biopsy on my cervix that was painful and barbaric and ended up being absolutely unnecessary and a couple years later the news hit that having women do that particular kind of screening was a scam from the health care industry to make more money by creating false fear and recommending unnecessary painful invasive procedures for women. I was in pain and bleeding for weeks. For nothing. And here we are again.

But later tonight I will take my husband on a double date with some very kind friends and I will gaze at Robot Jared Leto for ~2 hrs while listening to NIN. Possibly while on drugs.

Finch

Oct. 12th, 2025 02:02 pm
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Things my Finch app has helped me with:

* getting out of my youtube addiction
* taking supplements daily
* physical therapy daily
* teeth brushing daily (this used to upset me so much, missing this basic task so often)
* reaching out to friends more often
* appreciating the beauty around me in small quiet moments
* reading
* getting 10 min of natural light in the mornings outside
* taking permission for rest breaks
* accepting myself where I am at in the moment
* regularly revisiting favorite memories
* breaking through blockages to do hard things like fill out closing document forms and other hard things
* staying consistent with hormones
* red light therapy, skin care and such

Things the app has yet to impact much:

* work procrastination/avoidance
* housework (it helps a tiiiiiny bit, I need some heavy lifting, here)
* snacking (seemed like it helped for a moment but now not so much)
* evening walks (again, it seemed like it helped the first week and now not so much, maybe I need a different schedule or phrasing on the goal to try to trigger this to happen)
* bank runs
* overall mood (remains unchanged)
* grief (no help at all whatsoever as far as I can tell)
* guilt and discomfort over family dynamics with my brother and step-fam
* exercise
* showering more frequently (maybe once or twice has it helped with this)
* staying on top of car maintenance
* creativity or art, writing or decorating, very little of this is happening, still

Just reflecting. I'm grateful for everything it is helping with!
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I hit a wall on my list of things to do today while driving around like a madwoman trying to get it all done and realizing I was dangerously overdue for an oil change. I got that done but it was SLOW and I was just done after that.

Lots of documents to go through for the house but we're chipping away at it, look at us, being adults together.

I think because of the house buying process, because of my mammogram tomorrow and my friend's breast cancer not responding to chemo, remembering my mom's house getting foreclosed on, watching her lose everything and become a ward of the state with alcohol-induced dementia, and then having to escort her through endometrial cancer radiation and surgeries, the childlike nostalgia I have over the changing weather and Halloween, I just hit a tsunami of unbearable grief, in the midst of all the errands, today.

dreams )

...

Missing my mom suddenly and devastatingly, today.
I miss my dad, too. He died 25 years ago.
I miss what it felt like to have grandparents, as a small child (my dad's parents were no longer living when I was born, but my mom's were around when I was little.)
Wishing for a relative to laugh/cry over the osteo-arthritis in my hands commonly termed "Mommy Thumbs," while never having had the chance to be a mommy.
There are many blessings in my life. But also many gaping black holes of loss that I sometimes stumble into, unaware, unexpectedly, and then I'm lost in the dark for a few moments/hours/days.

I think I have a ghost child who has unintentionally injured my hands with her invisible yet chronic neediness. Maybe she made friends with Lunar, who has haunted our apartment since his death. I don't believe in ghosts, not even cat ghosts, but that doesn't change the fact that Lunar is haunting this apartment.
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Chaos in my mind, swimming swimming spiraling thoughts, need to make a list!

list for moi )

I feel really good after getting up at 6am today, still in the darkness, to fill water jugs and the tea kettle and get henna in my hair and do all the dishes and shower and such before the water got shut off at 8am this morning. It will be off until 2pm. I am not sad to be leaving this problematic apartment complex. All apartments have their issues, but I have literally lost count of how many days we have had to go without water this year. It's at least 2x per month on average, for a while there it was every week. Power often gets shut off as well. I hope such things are more consistent where we are going. The house we will have more control over, but public utilities are another matter. Hopefully it will be okay.

I am *so nervous* about every aspect of home ownership. I could not sleep at all last night, so worried about the loan and mortgage and how to keep the house in tact and clean and in working order and comfortable and everything. It's daunting, to say the least. Nothing like say, parenting, but still.

Going to run off to silks soon, but I also wanted to journal about yesterday.

Had a ton of work to get done in the morning so I spent my day until about 1pm boxing up orders and cooking meals for Josh and such.

Finally got out the door and grabbed a latte, shipped my orders, and drove out to Saddle Mountain.

It was warm and sunny and I didn't get on the trail until 3:40pm, so I motored up as fast as I could within reason. Enjoyed the birds and chipmunks and squirrels, ravens and swallows and the autumn dryness and late flowers, most stuff has gone to seed at this point. Lots of mushrooms but I wasn't looking for them - the shaggy chanterelle were especially cute.

Reached the summit at 4:51, had it to myself, took ten minutes to hydrate and snack and gaze at the ocean and surrounding hills.

I'm really grateful to my body for being able to do this. My hands and hip and feet hurt a bit when I was done, but not too bad. I feel like I'm re-building my fitness after a really sad spring and summer. I feel hopeful this can continue. I just sort of had to re-set how hard I can actually push myself, and adjust my activity levels, but I'm slowly filling back in some of the activities I lost, and feel able to do them at a slightly softer pace. This is appropriate for my age and where I am in life, it's okay. It was really difficult to be forced to slow down, but I'm okay.

Looking forward to more time for art and wings and letter writing/snail mail and reading and today the weather is shifting, high of 62 and mostly overcast, and tomorrow the rain begins again. I'm actually excited for sweater weather and snuggly evenings on the couch with Josh watching spooky movies.

I'm tiiirrreeeed - got up too early lol. But need to grab some snacks and run off to silks!

I have my first mammogram tomorrow and I am DREADING it, I have to work all day tomorrow and Friday, but I have the weekend to myself, yay! Hopefully Saturday will be visiting a donkey sanctuary and carving pumpkins with Steph, that would be so nice.
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just wanted to relay the most fascinating moment experienced with Joshter recently, I meant to mention it in therapy but maybe I'll just reflect on it here - I need to make this quick because I need to pick up prescriptions and come home and bake a pie, but first I just don't want to forget....

We had been talking about really deep stuff, we've been doing this more lately, he's gotten more tolerant of it and I'm so grateful, and were exploring the topic of selfhood, and somehow swerved into this idea I've been playing with that nothing I do is ever really in my control, that selfhood/ego is a useful illusion but that everything is predestined by our genetics and we aren't really at any sort of steering wheel - that is just a useful concept to keep us feeling engaged in a chaotic world where all control is an illusion. It would be really hard to relate to others and navigate without this pretend sense of self, and that itself is also predetermined genetically.

I related to him this experience of seeing my dog's puppies come out with fully in tact, distinct personalities from day 1 of their little lives that never changed at all, no matter what they experienced. And I reminded Josh about that experience he had of reading a book written by a cousin of his who he had never known, and seeing the extreme parallels of their two lives, to the point that Josh suddenly felt like he wasn't his own person at all, that he was just a carbon copy of this cousin.

"Isn't it the most wonderful feeling?" I was expressing to him happily.

"It was HORRIBLE!" he exclaimed in abject revulsion.

It took a while for me to tease out why it felt so bad to him to feel this sensation, when it felt good to me.

But it's because - Josh's life has been great! Barely anything bad has ever happened to him. And this unwell society we live in teaches us that if we have good lives, it's because we're good people who did good things and worked hard and deserved it, and people who have difficult lives are bad people who did bad things and deserve it.

But that's completely untrue. Some of us (hi! I'm some of us) have a terrible hand of cards dealt to us through absolutely no fault of our own, and have a shitton of miserable experiences that have nothing to do with our moral capacity or self-discipline or ability to work hard or make good choices or do right things, and none of it has anything to do with deserving anything.

I'm not saying we have zero responsibility - we absolutely do have full responsibility over our lives and we have to recognize and claim that, no matter what. Who else will? This is our life, we didn't ask for it, but we have to work with what we are given as best we can. There is no other way to exist.

But we also need to understand the privilege and circumstances that brought us to good things and bad things, bad choices and good choices, the ability to see clearly enough to make needed changes, and to give others grace (while not forgiving or allowing harmful behavior) who have failed in whatever way, for not having the best chances for success.

Anyway, just something I wanted to make a note of. It was just such a funny contrast. And a fun thing to explore and share together.
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all is right with the world for there are persimmons on a neighborhood tree that are ready to pick and take home for the most delicious snax.

my happiness calendar for today reads: You are the only magic you need

:)

I am exhausted. I had an amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing time at coffin club last night, that was the best night i can remember there in recent memory, definitely the best since my birthday or perhaps for the entire calendar year. Was grateful that some folks were away and the crowd was young and sparkly and so sweet, I felt so safe. I cannot even count how many compliments I got, almost all from women, they were all so kind, and the men were respectful and easy to be around. People were happy but not *too* happy (read: not wasted). Derek SERVED. The music was HOT.

I stayed too late and then had sexytime with Joshter and then just could not sleep, my sleep tracker says I got 3 1/2 hours of sleep, oops. I will crash any moment.

Still have soooooooooooooo much to catch up on, Wednesday wrecked me and Thursday was rough too, I am so so tired omg. But I MUST upload documents and pay rents, and I *really* want to be baking an apple pie by 4pm so that I can bring it to Cynthia at 6pm. If I want a nap, it has to start very very soon. I can hopefully upload documents while the pie is in the oven?

I had a big long hard bike ride with Cynthia this morning and it was exactly what I needed.

Her friend Hanne is not doing great with her breast cancer treatment - the chemo is really rough on her and so far her tumors are not shrinking :( We are worried.

I am just finishing up All the way to the River by Elizabeth Gilbert and I do NOT recommend it. I do think it is heartfelt but unfortunately there is too much privilege wrapped up in it for me, personally. And wow, the way some people handle death is so... repulsive. (This book documents the author's falling in love with her best friend and then watching her die of pancreatic and liver cancer.) I feel very, VERY bristly at anyone who treats the dying as if they are already dead. And also at enablers who abandon their charges when they become "unmanageable." (But that's my recovery talking, and Liz does discover her own addictions and codependency issues in this book and goes to 12 step to get sober. So that's progress. It's just sad it took her that long to figure it out.)

I unfortunately stumbled upon a review of this book yesterday that called her style "priv-lit" (privileged literature - aka rich white american lady lit) and suggested a re-titling of "All the way to the Bank," and talked about it being exploitative of her partner's death. :( I dunno. I was hoping I could find some gems but. I dunno. I regret trying.

It is GRIPPING, though, there is no arguing that Liz is a wonderful writer and I could not put it down and I will finish it (I'm almost done). For a very dark bummer of a distraction, it would do in a pinch.

I am so lucky in so many ways, the sun is out and I feel so so hopeful. Dancing hurt my foot and my back a little, but not so much that I couldn't bike up a storm with Cynthia this morning, I was able to keep up with that beast of a biker (she used to be a professional distance road racer) through a sleep-deprived mania of happiness just to be in her presence and up and moving in the morning in a body that was only very quietly achey, instead of the screaming it's been doing for the last several months.

I have hope that I can work around my arthritis, going forward, and that I am making the right decisions, so far, in my communication with this newly fragile form of a body I have been gifted with.

I am endlessly grateful for this gift.

I am also SO GLAD the house I work out of was booked today so that I was forced to take an extra day off, I need it desperately after getting raked over the coals this week - Josh and I both.

Cannot wait to spend tonight and tomorrow night with my best friends. I will mushroom hunt with Tyler tomorrow afternoon. I will work all day Sunday and Monday. All is well. I even cleaned the bathroom sink and swept the floors! I've been cooking tons of beautiful food and eating well, my body is thankful and so am I.

As I was getting dressed and debating the skimpy strappy shorts or the tendril skirt, Josh and I agreed that I should go for the skimpy stuff, because, "who knows how much longer I'll be able to get away with it. I doubt I'll be wearing these when I'm 60." :)

Coffin Club is so spiritually nourishing, for me. So so grateful for the goth community, and my little dark spooky home away from home.

The Finch self-care app has a spooky manor theme this month, speaking of spooky! At the end we get a little black cat micropet! I am over the moon about this :D
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In a lot of physical pain today, I guess I messed up my back doing silks yesterday. Maybe doing silks while crying is not ideal.

The tears were mostly from the stress of the home buying process. It's gutting in its terror, for me, but Josh wants this so badly and I have let him down enough times. He has done so, so much for me, I need to put some faith in him that we can do this. I would rather not. My childhood home was foreclosed on. Watching the bank take back your parents' house is an awful experience, there are no words for the way it disrupts, permanently, any psychological notions (however false) of safely, stability, a place to call home, any sort of safety net. (My grandparents died when I was young or before I was born, sick and in pain, we have no other connected relatives, there has never been anything left to fall back on.) I don't want to experience anything like that ever again.

So, I cried a lot, yesterday, signing away my life savings for an unknown risk.

I was not happy with my realtor, and then embarrassed at my own behavior (I picked him out, after all), and he called me specifically to try to help calm me down a little bit, and offered gently that he could understand, because his parents also had their house foreclosed on, so, he could see why I would feel fearful and overwhelmed. It was kind of him to listen and have some real patience with my over-emotional over-sharing. It was nice not to feel judged or dismissed for being silly or overdramatic, as is usually the way when I try to make adult/major financial decisions and get overwhelmed and paralyzed.

It's an odd sensation, to take on a massive, incomprehensible debt, and pour ones life's savings (however meager mine happens to be) but a debt that at least you can live inside? How bizarre.

Anyway it's not set in stone until closing so we'll see how it goes.

I wanted to get SO MUCH done today, but I still haven't even managed to get my appointment schedule out to open appts for the month, and here it is 3pm, the sun is out after hours of rain, most of the day is already gone and I feel like I've done nothing. But I've been busy and nauseated all day working. I wish I had more to show for it. I'll get there.

Hot flashes get more bearable when the weather cools, lol.

I need a shower desperately.

Need to box up an order and ship it, visit the neighbor's plants one last time, send out checks and pay rent and pick up prescriptions and I reeeeeeeeeally wanted to get housework done today, sigh. My back says otherwise.
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Viewing this talk is just as helpful now as it was when I first found it in 2018.

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Still absolutely loving the little Finch self care app, but one downside is that I have not been journaling much at all.

It got me off my social media and youtube addiction, but it has also taken my attention away from here, and I don't love that. I will figure out a way to come back. I think maybe eventually the novelty will wear off and it won't captivate me quite so much. One issue is that it asks for "reflections" and other journal-like prompts, but they are only a couple of sentences and not stored anywhere, so it really just evaporates into space and I can't learn from myself that way, the way I can here. Here I can see my thoughts and review them and look at them from a distance and it helps *so much* in processing the often unhealthy ways I view and internally express what I am feeling or struggling with. I need to get back here.

That said, I put on my app a goal of at least doing a 3 thing per day gratitude practice, here, so I will try that, starting tonight (separate entries for daily gratitude list).

...

Today I was able to do some chores in the morning, hash out some issues with Josh surrounding the house that it looks as if we may purchase together (EEP), and took a nice long hard bike ride in the last of the sunny beautiful early fall days before the rain starts in earnest, tomorrow. I will hopefully pivot to housework and baking, lol.

During the bike ride I picked up a glass vase out of a free pile, while starting the (audio) book All The Way To The River by Elizabeth Gilbert. Though I've watched a few of her TED talks, I haven't read any of her books since Eat Pray Love, but despite the fact that her concept of "souls" and "god" does not resonate with me at all and seems childish and cliche and shallow, she is charming and disarmingly honest, her love is real, she is as true to herself as she knows how to be, and that's all that really matters.

I am noticing a theme of following along with people my age, and what happens when we hit our 50s. I actually loved that Jennifer Grey wrote her memoir in her early 60s, and I want to keep an eye out for more books from women of that age, as I resonate with them more than women my own age, who seem to be lagging behind a little, mostly because most of them still have parents, haven't even been without their grandparents for very long, and haven't lost several close friends to cancer, as I have. I feel closer in spirit to 70 year olds than 50 year olds. This is not an exaggeration. I know several 70 year olds and they are just further along in life, in so many ways, that I was forced to be, way too young. Not in every way. Of course there is tons I still have to learn, I am not 70. I am not confident I will reach that age.

Anyway.

After the vase pickup I went to the farmers market for the last ten minutes, was able to get delicious brewed coffee and picked up some veggies and an inexpensive bundle of sunflowers that fit perfectly in the vase I found. Josh met me at a nearby coffee shop and we discussed/resolved more house stuff and I'm terrified but feeling a bit better about it. I still need to finish the home buyers education modules I downloaded, I am going to try to work on those in the morning. I am too tired, tonight. It's stressful but important. I want to understand the closing process better before I actually move forward.

Got a big hug from Ian at the market. I should have messaged Karissa. I will reach out tomorrow.

I didn't journal about Jasmine thinking she lost our mutual friend's cat, and then the cat turning back up magically (I suspect she may have never left and was just hiding).

I have not journaled about the festival, or the vampire ball, or the second trip to Timberline, yet. I want to write about these things, I do. But right now, I want to read my friends page and listen to my new weird quirky river book.

Going to sip this sweet gentle cup of chamomile tea and turn in early, I think. Been really enjoying the red light mask Tyler gave me. I need more mushroom hunting with that guy.

..

trimmed Avalanche's claws while she was sleeping. It's the best time to do it, sometimes she barely wakes up to protest. I had to treat her for fleas last week, after several days of suspecting I might need to - but I brushed her with a flea comb every day and never found any signs, until one day I saw flea dirt on her chin (I think the flea was also there but by the time I grabbed her to look it ran off and only the dirt was left, but it was unmistakable. But after I treated her, I checked and checked and checked multiple times a day for dead fleas or more dirt and found not a single molecule of evidence of anything. So maybe I really did catch it before they had a chance to reproduce, and there was really only one? Fortunately she tolerated the medication (pesticide) just fine and now I know she's good for a while.

...

I cried and cried and cried over my mom this morning. This happens a lot. Most days lately I don't cry as much, but today it was half an hour of soft sobbing. I don't know what to do, this sadness haunts me constantly. I need to find a healthier way to process it. Maybe I can do some research on how to process unresolved grief. I am so sad about how she died, it was a traumatic process to witness at such close proximity, for so many slow, long, painful years. I am so sad about how I treated her when I was younger, how she treated me, how it was never really anyone's fault, how I know she was doing the best she could with the tools she was given, and so was I. But it wasn't good. Except for the parts that were wonderful. It's just all so heartbreaking and gutwrenching. I get overwhelmed and paralyzed by all of it, regularly. My dad's death is even sadder in many ways, and my grandparents both also died so painfully and miserably, long before dad died, which was 25 years ago now, it's all just too awful to bear. They were all so wonderful in their ways. They seemed powerful and magical to me as a small child. (Well, I never met my dad's parents, but I remember my mom's.) They seemed like everything. To have seen all of them reduced to ash and forgotten is just... untenably sad.

...

I showed Josh the 90s movie The Birdcage last night. He asked me why Robin Williams was depressed. He looked so worried. He's seen me so sad for so long, it scares him sometimes. I don't have any way to reassure him, because it feels scary to me too, how sad I get. I do think the app is helping. I think if I can get through menopause, and get more stable, after that I will be in better shape, emotionally. We'll see I guess.

sad days.

Sep. 20th, 2025 01:10 pm
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been in a state of grief the last three days. this happens sometimes. it's okay. it's appropriate given the losses i've experienced.

spent some tearful moments missing Maru this morning. a cat i've adored since his internet introduction some 18 years ago.



the weather is blissfully perfect and josh wants to come join me at the fairy festival for a little while. i will make myself as comfortable as possible, not too elaborate with costumes or makeup because i don't want to cry off a design and make a mess. i just want to wander around and relax, get some inspiration for future festivals when i am feeling more like myself. which i still have hope is possible. aging isn't a direct flat downward slope, there are rolling hills, and i think things will feel not so dire in the coming few years, between now and 60. i will consider reaching 60 a major accomplishment, if it happens, as my dad did not make it that far.
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have not been journaling. there has been so much going on. Josh and I had an absolutely spectacular time for our little 1 night 20hr vacation on the mountain at timberline lodge, swimming in a mountain pool all by ourselves, soaking in the hot tub, exploring the PCT and hiking up to Silcox Hut (not quite a mile up from Timberline). such a lovely little respite, and so needed. Josh kept saying he felt like he was on vacation. It was perfect.

I re-watched Dirty Dancing Wednesday night. Why have I been sleeping on this? This is the best movie ever. It was funny, I had mentioned in small talk with a customer that I wanted to re-watch it, and she commented that "it didn't age well." I am not going to argue with a paying customer, but I have to assume she didn't understand that it was set in the 60s? Even though it was shot in the 80s. If anything, this movie is even *more* timely than it was 40 years ago, because in the 80s, abortions were still legal, and now, as in 1968, they are not so easy to access and it's getting harder by the day. Women are dying, like they were then, because of this.

Also the dancing is just so good and Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze are so young and sweet and it's just so fun and the music is wonderful and I love the feel of an 80s movie, it's definitely a comfort place for me, I remember when we had no cell phones or internet, it was such a different world.

I had a hard, hard emotional crash yesterday, waves of grief that felt like drowning. I somehow got through my work day but could not function after. I've spent most of today in unbearable anxiety and struggling with a tummy ache and feeling generally in pain and terrible. I wanted to do some exercise and some crafting and get ready for the festival tomorrow and I've done nothing. I feel so terrible in my body that I just really don't want to get into costume, I don't know how to feel like myself in my faery attire anymore, I'm in so much pain all of the time and my body does not look like I want it to, dealing with aging is just so so hard, at this stage. Such a difficult place. It was like I fell off a cliff and landed all wrong and am still trying to heal all the wounds from the crash and figure out how to adjust to living at this new lower level of functioning and I'm still not fully accepting what my life has to look like, now. Being 50 and riddled with early-onset arthritis after being a high level multi-sport athlete, figure skater, and dancer, is sooooooooooo confusing. There is no consistent messaging for someone like me, I have to just make it up as i go along. I feel unseen and misunderstood and overlooked and forgotten and alone, most of the time. It doesn't feel pretty and I don't want to get dressed up and I don't want attention and I don't want to try to look pretty, it just feels impossible. but I still want to go. Not sure what to do. I need new costumes, a new more subdued, comfortable appearance. But for now, I will just have to use what I have and try to make it work, try to make it as comfortable as I can. We'll see how it goes. I may only go for a short while tomorrow and skip the nighttime stuff. I might go in the rain on Sunday, as the quieter soggier vibe appeals to me. I just want to see people being creative and fun-loving, and I want to get away from reality for a bit.

I'm sad I didn't get to my puppet that I wanted to make, sad I can't prioritize myself enough to set aside enough time for crafts. This needs to change.

Did you know this weekend is the Mothman festival in Point Pleasant, West Virginia? I want to go, one day. I just recently a few months ago read up on what Mothman is, after years of swooning over the images/concept of this cryptid, and I am just smitten.

...

I picked up the audiobook of Jennifer Grey's memoir, "Out of the Corner," and it is gripping. I love it. Her life is so vastly different from mine, it's so alien I can't relate and can't even be jealous, it would be like being jealous of a squid or something, I just have no reference point for what it would be like to grow up with love and support and a good education and an astonishing amount of privilege. It's like reading fiction. I was so neglected and isolated and my development was so truncated, I will never really feel like a whole complete developed person. She already was one when she was ten years old.

...

I am really enjoying my Finch app, it is keeping me off of the internet which was the main thing I was hoping it would help me with. I still check in but I don't mindlessly scroll compulsively for hours. I am so grateful. There is so much else it is helping me with, too. I brush my teeth every night, I even floss, I trim my nails and wash my face, I take my vitamins, I check my calendar in the morning, I made a to-do list and check things off as I complete them, I do breathing and grounding exercises when I start to feel horrible, it's just ridiculously helpful for someone with clinical major depressive disorder and "trauma brain," I can't even express how grateful I am for this little thing. It only helps a tiny bit with housework, I still am not decluttering and fall behind on cleaning and laundry, I still struggle with avoiding difficult parts of my work though the scheduling/messaging is getting better, it doesn't help much with exercise BUT it did finally get me on a consistent morning physical therapy routine which is HUGE, so helpful in reducing my foot pain symptoms. And it gets me outside for my evening walk, something I used to do consistently but had let go in the last year or so. So grateful. I am not happier, but I am more okay with not being okay, if that makes sense.

one day I will share vampire ball photos.

I missed the Shadowplay anniversary party and it sounded like a blast, I'm sorry I wasn't there for the fun, but I really needed to isolate and self-soothe some really heavy grief that was too much for me to carry. I toasted myself some tortilla chips with grated cheese sprinkled on them and diced up cherry tomatoes and tossed them on top after pulling them from the toaster oven, this was an ideal dinner for how I was feeling last night and I have no regrets. My body looks like someone who comfort eats but that's just where we are at right now, until I find better ways to manage my pain, since i don't take any drugs or drink, food is okay to indulge in, now and then.

I can still do a pull-up, at least on my good days. That counts for something.
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So much I want to share about the past week, and celebrating our wedding anniversary and such (brunch! sunflower farm! silks! dancing! the vampire ball before I got sick last weekend, also!) but I have to run off to work. But before I skedaddle, I just needed to gush about this little app I've been using.

I have never been a gamer, never played any games on my phone or used any sort of gameified app of any kind before - generally even with basic apps like facebook messenger I turn off all notifications because my phone bleeping at me stresses me out so much. I can't even open tiktok without an instant migraine, it's so over-stimulating to my already overwhelmed little brain.

But this app has been a game changer. I don't know if the effects will last, I'm only three weeks in. I complained earlier that it doesn't help with my mood and it kinda doesn't - but I am trying to be at peace with the fact that as long as I refuse medication, I will always be depressed. But it is manageable, with other forms of help.

As I've gotten used to the app and figured out how to use the goals in a way that works for me, the following things have dramatically improved:

* keeps me from doomscrolling - the app itself is more fun
* helps me stay connected to friends - I was getting all kinds of emotional turmoil from reaching out to friends and not getting the kinds of responses I wanted, but the app itself rewards me for it and it is astronomically helpful, I do not depend on their reactions so much, and also their reactions have ALL been positive so far anyway?
* helps me with breath work for calm - I associated breathing exercises with anxiety for so long that I have resisted them for about two decades, but with the app rewarding me for it, I can do it without that association and it actually is starting to feel good again
* I'm actually taking my supplements daily - I get points for it and can get cute outfits for my birb!
* I finally am doing my PT every morning - !!! I struggled with this for MONTHS
* I have brushed my teeth consistently every night for weeks - this is new!
* I am keeping up better with chores and cleaning - something I always need help with!

Along with this, the little "easy wins" help regulate my mood and keep me calm. I have a goal of "think about a favorite memory" and I cannot describe how much joy this brings me on a daily basis, to stop and take just a few seconds to do this is so wonderful!

This goes for "visualizing a peaceful place" and "think about someone who helped me today" and other gentle reminders.

I cannot say enough about how fun this is. And it is FREE! The free version has a ton of features, I don't see the need to upgrade.

There is that danger I mentioned of getting too focused on the rewards and not enough focus on the aspect of self-care and improving daily life, but as soon as I quit that non-official facebook group that has gotten much easier for me. I still jones for the occasional cute item but it's not an overwhelming feeling that distracts me from the tasks themselves. At least for now.

My birb is traveling for the first time and I am actually nervous for her because I never fly/travel any great distance. I wonder if it might help me get over my fear of visiting Mexico at some point in my future, something I've wanted to do for 20 years, ever since I read about the whales in Baja in Douglas Adams' book, "Last Chance to See."

If you are at all curious and want to explore the app, my invite will get you a micropet for joining - for this invite I chose a little gryphon!

I picked a micropet just for you!

Tap this link or use my friend code 4BW641F2QS7 for a special reward!

Finch.go.link


Also look how cute the art is! It's so clever. The day Geogio Armani died, my shop offered "Italian Designer Trousers" - the subtlety of cleverness delights me!

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This interview is absolutely delightful! I did not know Harrison Ford was so warm and wise and wonderful. (I don't follow pop culture very closely, though I do remember him rescuing lost hikers with his personal plane in Wyoming, many years ago.)

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still quite sick. but no fever. josh tested negative for covid when he was sick so i knew it wasn't that but i tested anyway - it's not. just a severe cold.

missing forest time something fierce. might go back to the sunflower farm tomorrow, or go look for mushrooms by myself. or both. it's a lot of driving but i have amy tan's backyard bird chronicles to keep me company.

...

our offer on the house was accepted, so inspection is next, hopefully friday. we're excited and very nervous. this house could get expensive very quickly. it's 25 years old and most likely so are all the major systems (furnace, water heater, roof) so there might be some looming major costs we did not anticipate, we'll have to see. we already know we need to repair the fence and add air conditioning so it's already a bit daunting. oof. need to start moving money around for escrow and all that other adulty stuff i only basically understand. it's all very terrifying, especially as "the big one" (major earthquake that will devastate the region) will hit any day and take the house down along with everything we put into with it. (I've been afraid of this earthquake since i was a child, for good reason.)

But, as i get older, i just can't worry or care so much about the end of things anymore. it's closer now than my beginning, at this point, and could be much, much closer than i want to admit to my partner or loved ones. we die young, in my family. and my body has degenerative problems worse than some 70 year old women i know.

and honestly, the grief i went through when i was younger, losing my grandparents as child and my dad as a very young adult and my mom in the most horrific, slow, torturous way, along with pets and partners and chances at educational goals and the years i lost to being sedentary when my hip needed to be reconstructed and then struggling for twelve years through that recovery process and and and. the self harm, the migraines so painful i dry-heaved from the pain for hours, multiple times a month for so many years, the constant fighting with the addictive genes in this painful body, the mental illness from childhood trauma and neglect, the bone-deep crushing sobs i cried night after night after night that never felt survivable, i know all that took a toll.

i just kind of have to quietly accept everything, including that it might not work out and things could get worse before they get worse. it's nothing worth fretting about anymore, because I don't feel like there's enough left worth fretting over anymore.

the rest of my life is going to hurt.

...

my little self-care app "finch" is so useful but the facebook group is rough, i need to get off of there. all they talk about is getting certain items, they've completely lost track of the point. to be fair, the app has beautiful designs for the little rewards that are available as tasks are accomplished and points are gained, and it's fun to see what they come up with, the creativity and artwork is all so charming and delightful and fun and very silly. I could not resist buying a pair of totally inappropriate "designer italian trousers" in black when they popped up in my shop the day Georgio Armani died. I'm never letting go of those.

but today i kinda lost my shit and gamed the system in order to get enough points for a black flower i don't need and a marshmallow on a stick which is something i don't even eat or have any association with other than campfires which is kinda nice i guess but i don't actually like them? i did this because...? i just wanted them, why? I still do! and I did get the points for them, but it was totally cheating and i'm trying to resist this silliness and focus on the point of the app which is self-care and building better habits to improve quality of life for ourselves, not collecting little trinkets for my birb. i guess maybe my birb could be a crow? lololol.

nah, i think she's a finch, still.

(I named my birb Sarooroo because of the whole Labubu craze - those little demon dolls are hecka cute. I am also NOT buying one.)

it is kinda funny that the finch app has these yellow sunflower glasses and some of those who're getting them show off screenshots of their birbs dressed as Art the Clown lol. Terrifier looks like too scary of a movie for me but I like Art the Clown's style. I wonder if he is demonic like Pennywise or just murder-happy? Being super into halloween means i have friends who are super into horror and I sooooooo am not, but i enjoy the Art design and it's everywhere in all the halloween areas so it's hard not to start to get a little attached, or, morbidly curious?

...

such a wild dip in mood today after 1pm, so frustrating. the morning was really nice. i was actually happy for a little while. it's not as much like being high as it is a feeling of being released from a nonsensical but tenacious gnawing grinding pain, a weight, a nagging, a sharp, hot, clawing sensation that every once in a while releases its talons. it's like escaping into a grassy field after being trapped in a moldy basement. how did i end up back here. i can see the grassy field, why can't i be in it. how do i keep getting stuck like this.

...

I had the fleeting sensation today of wishing that my life circumstances could have afforded me the resources, the family support, and the emotional and psychological scaffolding required to have just one child. I never had a chance to do that, and there are moments, few and far between and very fleeting, when a searing, hot pain of yearning and unfairness digs into me. It's not the same as the waves of grief that come from loss, this feeling of missing something that never was, never could be, a missed chance, something that I was robbed of ever even considering as a possibility, never having the money or support or body that could sustain another life. Sometimes my insides scream over it. It happens very infrequently and it passes quickly. But the pain is cutting, when it is here.

there is a perspective that could be taken that would say, this is an utter biological failure of being. a "you had one job" kind of perspective, genetically. i was supposed to create another human, to perpetuate this little bloodline. that's the whole point of life and i failed.

but deep down, we know, that is not the whole point of life. the whole point of life, is love.

..

It's also sad to experience this being a part of the "neurodivergent" community not by biology, but from childhood neglect and trauma. other than being an HSP I'm fairly confident i could have been neurotypical, but, "trauma brain" is a thing that does not work the way a healthy, well-developed brain does. and this is never. going. to. change. this got wired in development and i'm stuck with it.

it's okay, it makes me more compassionate, more sensitive, more a lot of good things. it just. isn't fair. but life isn't. that's okay.

i am so tired of trying to fix my depression. i am more interested in being curious and accepting of this. it's hard for others and i know josh suffers from it, but i suffer more, and the less accepted i feel the way i am, and the more pressure i feel to "fix" it, the worse it seems to get. i just have to meet myself where i am at.
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Josh's cold he brought back from his work trip finally did me in. This is typically the pattern. He comes home sick from travel, I appear to be in the clear for a week, and just as he recovers, I succumb.

It's miserable, this is the sickest I've been in a while. The sinus headache is the worst, I'm just so congested. Had to cancel work and social plans, but I'm happy to rest. I just wish I felt a little less horrible. The pain was bad enough that I took two ibuprofen last night, something I do less than once a year on average, I would say.

Barely slept last night, my nose completely plugs if I lie down so I have to prop up my head.

I dreamt of saltines, that's how much I love them. I found a brand a few months ago that is made with organic olive oil, rosemary, and sesame seeds, and they come in little eight-cracker packets, and I consume one daily. It is such a lovely little airy salty crispy comforting treat. It is childhood comfort food and I love it so.

Josh and I put in another offer on another house. We'll see if this one lands, it's a solid offer, we are pretty serious about this one. It is on an ugly street in a so-so neighborhood, but it is near enough things we like (1/2 - 1.5 miles from several parks, stores, cafes, and his parents) to make it okay. While the street is not attractive, the house most definitely is. We drove by it a month ago and decided not to schedule a tour because of the unattractive street, but I talked Josh into trying again and when we got inside... the two storey vaulted ceiling in the livingroom has a glorious support beam running the length of the room, perfect for rigging silks. !!! I had completely given up on the idea of finding anything I could rig silks in, and my eyes misted over with hope, which I had to hide from the seller's agent who was hosting the open house. There is a cat door and a fully fenced back yard for Avalanche, with easy to maintain landscaping, small but not too small. It is a newer house (2000) so no lead paint. It has an office for Josh with a not-terrible westerly view of some beautiful trees. I have not felt this hopeful during this process yet. There have been zero offers and we sent in a very, very strong one, it will land. We just have to see how the aging roof and such comes out in inspection. It needs new windows and the fence is in need of repair, it might need a/c next summer, things could get expensive quickly, but hopefully we could space out the upgrades. I am terrified of the risk but hopeful for the potential rewards. I never thought I would own a house. Being able to rig silks is a game changer. Josh would enjoy that as well. This might work. It is near a popular mall where I could potentially partner with a shop to sparkle in, which would help me capture customers on that side of town. There is so much potential. There is no street parking but we could move our cars around the corner and have guests park in the driveway of the two-car garage, it is workable. It has rhododendrons and japanese maples, very little grass (we both dislike lawns), a cute little netted covered shelter in the back (a creek nearby probably fosters mosquitoes) and simple decking, it is so sweet. Terrified but also crossing my fingers. We are lucky to hit sort of a sweet spot in the market where interest rates have fallen, but only just this weekend, so the price of houses have not risen in response, yet. So it's a lower monthly payment than paying the same amount for a house a month ago. Or even a week ago.

The forms for these are always stressful but I got through them okay, this morning, despite the headcold.

My reward is this little second cup of coffee with a hint of chocolate sauce and I will settle in with a youtube video of fall decorations from one of my very favorite channels, Renee's cozy cottage.

Avalanche knows I'm sick - she curled up on my lap this morning instead of insisting on her usual morning playtime, she knows.

...

Josh and I had a lot of fun at the Vampire Ball Saturday. We were both tired (I didn't realize I was succumbing to his cold and thought it was just my period making me feel bad) so left just after midnight, usually I dance dance dance the night away until 2am there. Finley made an appearance and was very kind to me and sent me some sweet messages after.

I should post pictures but my face hurts, uuughhhh lol.

Avalanche just came back to my lap purring up a storm, awwww.

I found frozen bone broth in the fridge I made months ago and thawed it last night and had it for breakfast this morning, it was soooooooooo soothing, thanks past me for taking the time to simmer bones for 24 hrs so I could have some healthy nourishment in my time of illness.

Thanks mom for teaching me how to make bone broth.

My mother was magical and powerful and magnificent in so many ways. Her mental illness and addition got the better of her, often, but deep down she was good and she gave me such wonderful gifts and I am forever grateful. Nobody is perfect and while some of her cruelty was unforgivable, I miss her painfully every day and am forever grateful for her goodness, and how hard she worked to provide a good life for me, she absolutely did the best she could and despite all the pain I love love love her forever, for that. I still feel like a broken off shard of her, she was bigger and greater and smarter and just more of a person than I am in so many ways. My depression and hyper-sensitivity have severely limited what I could do with what I've been given, and that is all okay. I am at peace with it. At least in this moment. My body is falling apart and hurting and failing in so many ways, but I've grateful for everything it's done to get me where I am. I am filled with gratitude, today, despite not being able to breathe through my nose, lol. My husband is being a jewel. My cat is being an angel. I am so, so lucky.

...

Maru died, on Sept 6. He was old, well into his 18th year. So I've been preparing for this for a while. He got lung cancer. He was such a magical cute adorable funny delightful charming singularly unique cat. I want to do a tribute with Avalanche in a box for him, I will see if I can get her to do something cute in Maru-style later today. I kind of want to send flowers or something to his owner, but they are in Japan. I am just so grateful for his adorableness and to them for sharing his antics with us for all these years. What a gift. What a funny life this is.

...

Still really enjoying the Finch app. Might be getting a little obsessive. But I don't think it's all bad. Josh asked why I was keeping up with the dishes? I explained that the app is helpful for chores. "You gameified it!" Yep pretty much :) Still perfectly happy with the free version, still learning all the little quirks of it. For example, I gave a few gifts today, just sort of for fun and as an experiment, and did not realize that once it's gifted, it will pop back up for purchase (not money, you get little stones for accomplishing tasks that can be spent on outfits or home decor for your support birb) again, so I don't have to go without myself if it's also something I want to own. I missed my chance on an item I liked, but I am trying to be at peace with not obsessing over collecting items. It's more about the micro-habits and gentle support through difficult tasks, like signing house offer forms :) Which I have another set to do still! But not until after I watch Renee's fall decoration video. :)
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feeling really out of balance and off-kilter.

Trying to keep up energy for vampire ball with Josh tonight. I'm hoping we can at least make it to the midnight waltz. then we can go. that's all I want, really.

Hand washed my gown, for the first time. This will be my fourth time wearing it?

My body does not want a gown on it but we'll make it work.

I started bleeding today, very lightly, I've been cramping since yesterday. I let myself eat corn chips and granola and fresh figs for dinner last night. I have a rule that the first day of my period I get to eat whatever I want. I felt sooooooo terrible and guilty about it for hours, but when I woke up at 4am (as I always do, it's a trauma thing) my body thanked me, I felt warm and held and comforted and it was good. I was not wrong to eat chips and granola and fresh figs for dinner.

The figs are perfect right now. Such a lovely september fruit.

And soon there will be PERSIMMONS. My favorite.

...

Something I realized recently with some deep sadness is that I don't think I will ever be able to reconnect with people through journaling the way I did back in the 2000s. Right now, the only person I feel any familiarity with is someone who posts "daily happiness" about his cats and goes to disneyland a lot. It works because they are basic, everyday posts with basic info and nice photos pretty regularly, and I remember who they are. But for the folks who post long complex reflections, I can't keep track of who is who or how I know them or relate to past entries because I can't remember which one wrote what when. I can sort of remember, oh, this guy is the one who had cancer, that one is the one who is a teacher, this one one is x, whatever, but I get them all mixed up and the entries don't reference basic things about who they are so that I can re-remember anything.

My menopausal brain just cannot keep track.

This is not any sort of criticism of their writing style. I write this way too, and way worse, definitely. I am just writing for me. I gave up trying to write for others when all of my eljay friends vanished. I was so heartbroken and lonely, I just shut down the part of my heart that yearned for genuine connection through journaling. I had to assume I was all alone to be able to keep coming here. I am still friends with a handful of people from those days, one of which dramatically changed my life for the better in myriad ways, including being the reason I met my husband and one of my most beloved best friends/soulmates. She lives in my city now and we still trick-or-treat one another on Halloween. I am so grateful for her, always, and the other long-term friends that stuck for 20+ years.

But it won't work again, my little hurting menopause brain cannot keep track.

It's the same with fiction writing. If there are characters in a book, a name will pop up and I will have no idea, unless it is somehow explicit in the context, oh this is the sister with the vendetta or oh this is the love interest with the curly blonde hair or oh this is the prince with a chip on his shoulder - I cannot keep them straight to save my life. I seriously would need to take notes and refer back until I memorize them and it's SO HARD to do that. The last fiction book I was able to get through and remember any of the characters was Name of the Wind/Wise Man's Fear and that was what, 2012 that I read those? 2011?

I STILL remember Dena and Fela and Kvothe and Feluria and and and.

But going forward I don't know if I will be able to do this, anymore. My brain cannot keep track of basic things, let alone complex things. It really does feel terrifying, like losing ones mind, like having dementia, like taking crazy pills, I hate it so much.

Supposedly this is temporary and after ten or so years of synaptic connection "pruning" (a nice euphemism for a process that shrinks our brains by a full 20%) things will return to "normal" function. "We recover," says the literature, women actually come out the other side slightly sharper than men of the same age. But during? Forget it. I am surprised I can remember the names for colors at this point.

Anyway. I am tempted to simplify my entries somehow, but I don't know. Maybe it's just better to assume I'll be alone here and stay that way.

Aside from Michael B! That connection has actually stuck, come to think of it. :) Maybe all hope is not lost. I don't know.

...

Karissa's dad is doing better. But having her break down in tears about him being sick was mildly triggering, for me. I sometimes have the thought that, holy shit, all those kids I went to grad school with who didn't know what to say when my dad died, probably STILL have their dads, 25 years later. Holy shit there are people in their 60s who still have their dads! My stepbrother's 65yo wife still has her dad (and her mom). wtf!!!!!

It makes my brain and heart hurt to think about this.

I know most people have their moms, too. That I'm more used to running into and having to deal with - people just talk about their moms more, or at least, women do.

It gets jarring when someone loses a grandparent. But I'm slowly running out of friends young enough to have grandparents. I lost mine when I was very young, it never seemed abnormal but it was so painful later to listen to people describe in great detail their beloved grandparents and the elaborate funeral/memorials and a deep and cherished relationship and so many happy memories, none of these things I can relate to or ever got to have.

It is okay, it is all okay.

It's all just stories.

None of it really means anything, in the end.

In the end, my dust will flutter away and none of this will hurt anymore, and there will be no one to remember the hurt, or the love.

I try to hold this in my heart when I think about decluttering, and my body reacts with severe anxiety. "Nobody wants your shit," Sarah. It's all meaningless. It does not tie you to anything. It does not make your life more substantial or concrete or meaningful. It's all useless junk. Nobody wants it. It's in the way. It's a burden.

I am trying so hard not to be a burden.

It is exhausting.
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