serafaery

The mountain was so beautiful. Tyler was so calm and kind and patient. Josh also, who encouraged this venture.

I am not depressed this morning and I am confused about it. Normally I am searching for ways to self-soothe in the morning just to function, but I am all right, at the moment, so I don't need to. It's so abnormal it's disorienting.

Maybe I can actually do some PT before work, today?

This lady is amazing and this cosplay is amazing.



...

I am enjoying the inspiration from her channel, and I went back for the fuzzy white fur. I may make a moth or a butterfly or something else; a little white cursed bird, who knows.

I'd really love to make some sort of soft plushy costume that would completely obscure my human form and be easy to interact with, like Totoro, but I am not sure what that would be, yet. I have imagined variations on dragons and birds, but still have come up with nothing, so far. Will keep contemplating this.

I might make my puppet one of our local native blue butterflies. Fender's Blue has a remarkable recovery story, thanks to the efforts of those who also fought for spotted owl recovery in Oregon.



Its host plant is a rare, beautiful purple lupine called Kindaids. I could base a fairy costume on that flower.





I just love its fuzzy lil blue body and those stripy antennae! Many of our local gossamer winged blue butterflies have these characteristics.

9am on a beautiful Saturday morning. So much sunshine!

Will try to get on my bike here in a bit and ride up to the farmers market, I don't need anything but the ride will be good for me regardless, I think we are low on a couple things.

Some friends are hosting a bbq so I will try to swing by for that, I randomly bought some hot dogs for it last night even though they didn't ask for such a thing - I don't know how to show up to anything empty handed.

Finally vacuumed out my car. Dodged all the bullets. That place where we used to go when I was a kid is the only one of its kind in the entire city, so weird! It was fine.

I just need to wipe down the inside before I put all my stuff back in the car. The windows desperately need a thorough cleaning. I'll do that after my farmers market run.

Need to box up one order, it's small it'll be fine.

My hands and fingers ache fiercely today, I don't know why. It hurts so much. They are more swollen than usual, but no redness.

I've been failing to take any of my supplements, I haven't been entirely consistent with collagen and I keep forgetting my fish oil. I think getting back on that stuff would help.

Tummy is unhappy.

I should probably try to take a shower before socializing, ha.

So much cleaning I want to do! Maybe tomorrow. I want to tackle the bathroom and the kitchen and just throw most of my stuff away that's been collecting since we moved here. It'll make it easier to move, when the time comes. I need to do the storage unit and garage, too, but that's much more daunting and requires a lot of emotional work since I have bins of my mom's old things in there. I have to give myself permission to ignore that and just keep storing it, if I have to.

I woke up really sad and anxious but my mood is improving. I forced myself to go to Cynthia's last night to catch up and bake pears that were delivered to her doorstep by a neighbor. We ended up making two vegan sugar free pies, they are delightful. We had fun. Hanne has an aggressive form of breast cancer, she has already cut her hair and started chemo. She just got her diagnosis like less than two weeks ago. So things are moving quickly. It sucks but she has really good support, her husband is retired and they have plenty of resources, and she has friends, it sounds like she has as much support as anyone could hope for. I am glad.

I want to send her a card, and also my friend Robin who is going through chemo for pancreatic cancer, and also Naomi. I will pull those out and decide who gets what or maybe buy more if I need to. Will swing by a shop that has nice cards and look for something for the three of them. Sigh.

I've been so incredibly lonely and depressed. I feel a million times better when I am with others, but I rarely can manage the effort to make myself go be social. I tell a lot of stories to myself about being unwanted. It's gotten a lot worse with perimenopause, struggling with disliking my appearance and my body being in a lot more pain than I'm used to (and I'm already used to a lot of pain).

K, coffee is cold, that's my cue to get on my bike and get some sunshine on my skin and these achy joints.

It will be hot tomorrow. I'm okay with that. But worried about the fires. It seems like we're the only western state area not engulfed in smoke at the moment. Our turn is coming.

might need to ease up on the cleaning videos. at first they were relaxing but now they're starting to cause me some stress. I am throwing things away more, and thinking about what to throw away. I like the idea of the "move out/move in" technique of taking everything out of a room, cleaning it, and then putting everything back. But I don't think I'm up for that. culling first might be a better use of my time, especially since we will likely move this fall or winter anyway.

Josh is worried about moving in winter and yeah it would suck but I don't mind wrecking the holidays, holidays suck anyway and it would be a good excuse to skip them. I do love xmas, but just the cookies, tree, music, and a handful of light-hearted things to unwrap. hot cocoa and snow. sweaters and oversleeping. not so much the gatherings and pressure to be festive. I don't feel emotionally safe around my (alcohol-dependent) family and Josh's family is Jewish, so.

...

I'm home because my customer stood me up this morning. She didn't even bother to text me until I texted her when she was 7 minutes late. And didn't even reply when I offered to reschedule, or indicate whether she was going to try to come late or just reschedule, she just didn't answer, after her initial reply that she was having a "weird reaction to a gluten tolerance test" whatever that means. I hope she's okay. It sounds like she's not feeling well and my brain doesn't work in that condition, either, but it's also just so disrespectful to leave me sitting there waiting and not knowing. I hate service work, times like this.

I got really bad cramps again when this happened, I think they are triggered by stress. So I drove home in extreme pain and ate some saltines and granola and now I'm just sitting here trying to relax and not make it worse. I was going to try to vacuum my car in the high-homicide area during my lunch break but now I just can't make myself. Maybe I can just take it to the car washing place and let them do it for me where I don't have to worry about being shot at because I don't look right. There have been *so many* homicides in Portland, lately. People keep telling me it's getting better but I think they are deluded. (This was where we took our car to vacuum it out ourselves when I was a kid, it was not unsafe back then. It's the only way I know how to do it.)

Need to go back to work in half an hour but grateful to be able to just chill for a bit. Not sure what to wear to Shadowplay tonight, I feel so bloated and gross. I'll figure something out. I think dancing later might make me feel better. If this pain would just dissipate.

have not had a shower since Saturday.

in so much pain, today, physically and emotionally.

It's devastating on a different level to go from an elite athlete to crippled within a couple of months. I am still adjusting. No one knows, no one sees, this is an entirely invisible struggle. Josh doesn't get the level of distress I am in. He can still do all the things. He can't imagine not being able to. I try to help him have awareness around it, but I also don't want to be a bummer all of the time. He forgets. Maybe it's better that he does.

It's just a really lonely feeling.

I can still walk, I can bike, I can dance a little, I can hike, so from the outside, it doesn't look too bad.

But I can do none of these things without constant pain.

Anyone would be depressed. But I've had major depressive order for decades. And I'm in perimenopause which also triggers depression.

It's just too much, days like this.

I am less angry at the auto shop. It is what it is. If my brand new battery is leaking, so be it. It was only $150, it won't destroy me to get a new one I suppose. I am skipping the oil change because that is absolutely inaccurate, I actually checked my readings on my way to the shop and it clearly indicates that I'm not anywhere close to due for one, so that's annoying, I don't know if they're making up numbers or just found an old sticker or what. I will not go back. But I'm not angry.

I just wish I could make myself eat and take a shower. Maybe take some vitamins. I forgot my hormones this morning, oops.

I was today years old when I discovered that the word for popcorn in Spanish means "little doves" and I will be forever calling it that, and imagining little delicate papery doves taking off in bursts and flurries out of the popcorn maker :)

Popcorn is one of my favorite foods. I was raised on it. For a time I was eating it almost daily, and had to limit myself to one day a week, as I generally devour a bowl twice the size of my own head in one sitting.

Sundays are popcorn day. Or, "little doves" day :D

Popcorn is "popcorn" in French. Listening to Josh work on the pronunciation of this was adorable.

...

It's August, and normally I am elated but it's been such a stressful three days that I am just... embracing the fact that there are already Halloween decorations in the stores and dreaming of pumpkin spice. Not like me, but that's where I am, today. I sat down with my giant bowl of little doves, topped with fresh chopped rosemary and nutritional yeast, and re-watched Edward Scissorhands in its entirety.

I have avoided doing so for many years for the heartbreaking sadness and over the top silliness of the film, but tonight, those aspects were maybe my favorite. I just needed something not serious and profoundly sad. Like life. I loved Dianne Wiest so much, I relate to her more than to Kim, at this point (I was fifteen when that movie came out!), I feel like an Avon Lady at times, she was 42 at the time but that meant something different in 1990, and I'd forgotten how fun it was to watch Edward do topiary and dog grooming and hair styling.

I glanced at Johnny Depp's bio and my goodness, to come from a blue collar broken family that moved all the time, to drop out of high school and have the principal literally tell him not to come back, at age 16, to pursue his dreams of being a musician, and to create such a beautiful catalog of work from such a rocky start is so impressive. Some people are just able to do ten times what I could ever accomplish in a lifetime, even if they don't get dealt the best hand to start with. That said, his step dad was Robert Palmer, which inspired him to pursue music, which is how he got into acting, so I guess he had that going for him, ha.

Avalanche let me trim her claws with no fuss! Didn't even pretend to try to bite me once. She was getting caught on everything and her claws tapped the floor when she walked, she was overdue. She seems much happier, we always have a play session right after as a reward so she's gotten a ton of playtime this morning.

Just saw a youtube video, "man crawls 11 hrs to rescue himself after getting injured in mountains," and thought, this is so going to be me one day. I figure I will have to stop hiking solo at age 60, if not before. Everywhere I go lately is pretty highly populated so I wouldn't be stranded for long. But I feel like injury on trail is just inevitable at this point.

Dreading work today, I love my job, it's just the getting there part.

Josh left for a work meeting off-site. Coffee with a vendor, to be precise.

It feels like a giant weight off of my shoulders.

I was about to leave the apartment to do chores, just to get away from the weight.

But now I think I'll lie down and listen to something soft, for about 45 minutes, I imagine he'll be back in an hour, and I don't want to cross paths again for a while.

I will eat chips and candy for dinner and stay out of the apartment for a bit. Get Avalanche some food and a new toy. Get myself some more n/a beer, I'm down to my last can. I drink 1 per day fairly consistently, but not always. Sobriety is not hard anymore, but it's also still not easy. I feel so alienated from those who use substances, and I know very, very few who don't use something on a daily basis. I sort of halfway count anti-depressants, as using. I definitely count adhd meds (Adderall and the like, basically small doses of meth/speed), as I've watched it change the personalities of several former friends to the point that I am no longer friends with them.

...

Tyler and I hiked Neahkanie together yesterday. It was lovely. Very warm at the top. We shared snacks. I brought very little food but he didn't complain at all. He was so unbelievably comforting and kind about the house drama. He shoved a hand under my shirt on the back of my neck while I was driving, and held it there forever. It felt so so good. I don't know what is good enough in me to warrant his affection right now, I feel so useless, but I am so grateful for it, anyway.

After the mountain, we drove to the beach and buried our toes into the velvety sand. It felt better than I remembered. It's been too long. The dry fluffy sand was warmed by the sun, the wet sand was cool and soothing, both were perfect in their way. Put my feet in the freezing pacific waters. Got my hair tossed violently by the wind.

I wish we could become sand instead of ash.

The restaurants were all closing early for the tsunami warning (nothing came of that, it was in Russia and died to nothing by the time it reached here, maybe slightly rougher waves than usual and they told people to stay off the beaches just in case, but it was fine), and getting gas on the way out was tricky, but we managed without too much trouble.

I don't know what is the point of anything. Of living. I like the forest but I still don't understand the point, when we're all just going to die anyway. Nobody seems to ever notice the futility, or care. It's so odd. Disorienting. Why is everyone doing everything.

We found some early season hedgehog mushrooms. We make a good team. I found one first, but he found bigger more hidden clusters once he was on the scent. So fun so fun. We found some ghost pipe as well. (Monotropa Uniflora.) My current favorite flower, although it is not a light eater. It is a mycoheterotroph, parasitic, using fungi instead of photosynthesis for nutrients, specifically Russula types, which the Oregon coast has prolifically.



It relaxes me to think about being at the coast, being in the forest, being at the beach, being with the flowers, being with Tyler.

Will rest a bit and then head out.

A hot hike, but I pushed hard, felt powered by flowers once I got through the saddle. This is perhaps my favorite hike in Oregon, or tied with Dog Mt.


A rest on a picnic table in the forest, 1/3rd way up the mountain


Bliss.


Swallala-Oost is the native name for this mountain.



Butterfly friend

Happy things. It's a nice overcast summer day here in Portland. The forecast is for a high in the low 70s, much more like it after some 90+ days while Natasha was visiting.

It was really fun having four cats in the apartment, until it wasn't. If it had just been Taiga and Tundra, my cat's parents, everything would have been fine. They all get along wonderfully, after the initial shock of seeing each other after a long separation.

But with Natasha's new adopted Glacier in the mix, it was not fun. He is only 9 months old, and he is deaf, all he wanted to do was pester Avalanche, I think in part because she looks exactly like her sister Fern (formerly Aurora but her adopted family re-named her, as well as Avalanche's brother Igloo who is now Rocky). Glacier and Fern had kittens together this summer. So I think Glacier thought this was his new wife or something. But Avalanche is fixed and doesn't know Glacier and doesn't *want* to know Glacier, as she tried to make very clear, but he can't hear her hissing and growling so he kept pestering her. It was sad. Taiga and Tundra were fine but Avalanche and Glacier were perpetually stressed. Tundra seemed the happiest of everyone and rolled around in my kitchen delightedly, she was so happy to have Glacier's pestering deflected away from herself. And nothing ever bothers Taiga, he loves everyone and everything all of the time.

I think it stressed me more than I realized because when Natasha left yesterday morning, my mood crashed HARD. I panicked about my future, ate poorly, ruminated, my body was in a bad pain flare, and eventually I just crawled into bed and slept for three hours.

I feel a LOT better this morning.

I haven't had outdoor time or exercise in a week, so I will go ride my bike up Rocky Butte after I finish writing here. Will pick up a few berries and whatnot at the farmers market on the way home, it'll be so lovely.

Took advantage of the cool cozy morning and baked banana bread from our two overripe bananas. I added some older strawberries that weren't spoiled but weren't really fresh enough for snacking anymore, and half the blackberries I picked after work on Friday. The property where I work does not spray and they have a fenced-off unkempt area that is currently full of blackberries and the whole neighborhood descends on the bushes when they begin to ripen. I feel blessed.

Cleaned the apartment a little and played hard with Avalanche, who hasn't had a good play session since the cats were here. I got her a new toy last night and she LOVES it. The other cats slobbered all over her old ones, so I felt this was needed.

...

Josh and I are in the process of buying a house. This has me mostly panicked at this point, it's just not a thing I ever thought I could manage, but Josh can, and I've worked hard to be able to pull enough weight to contribute, and although I could never afford anything like this on my own, I can significantly help and I feel really good about this. I found a house that has a detached studio that was built three years ago for the owner's mom to do her quilting, that I can sparkle in. That is something I can work out of, capture people on that side of town and save them from the commute, and probably increase my work hours to help pay for the house. There are permits involved for working out of a residence but those are manageable, my mom had to do it when she taught piano out of her home. We will be in Josh's old neighborhood which will be really different for me, I've never lived on the west side, but very familiar and comforting for him, which was important to me. I will find my places and my people, I will keep my studio on the east side as it is such a good deal it is worth it even if I only use it two days a week, to keep my current east side customers happy, and I can still keep in touch with my side of town, visit the park with my mom's memorial bench, and such.

It has low-maintenance landscaping, we are not yard people so this is so helpful. It has a fully fenced back yard for Avalanche. It is on a dead end street and backs up against a creek. It will be quiet and peaceful. It has a lifetime metal roof that is only ten years old. It has forced air heating and cooling. A 2 car garage, with an additional new work shed. It was built in 1985 so the house is not ancient, like so many of the houses we have looked at in our price range. It has a dishwasher. No more handwashing dishes and the inability to sanitize things without boiling them.

The only major downside of this little house is that there is no fireplace, and all the appliances are electric. So if the power goes out in a winter storm, which is will, we will be dead in the water. I am not okay with this. But after looking into what it costs to add different kinds of fireplaces/wood stoves, it looks like the easiest and most economical fix is to install a whole-house generator. Not only will this solve the heating, cooking, and fridge issues, but Josh will be able to keep working - he works remotely and would have to scramble to find workspace if we lost power. This will not be cheap but it will be first on my agenda when we move in - I might try to get it done during the move-in, this summer, so it's ready to go come wintertime. It's not super common for houses in this area to have them, unlike the mid-west or hurricane prone areas in the southern states, but it seems more than worth it to me, to be a safe harbor not only for us but for those we love, including Josh's parents, who are in the area.

There are definitely some other quirks about the house, the layout is funky and there are some high maintenance bushes in the back that will need hired help to care for or to just be ripped out, which is also expensive, but none of that is urgent. I love the fir tree in the front, the owners even have a cute little squirrel box on it, I love the creek next to us, I am looking forward to getting to know our neighbors and the area. It's a new chapter and I'm mostly excited but also terrified.

For me the biggest push to get me through my fear and sign the offer was Avalanche. We still live beneath a dog who tried to kill her, and she can never go outside because of it, she will never let me put her on a leash again after that - he attacked us from the hallway when we were coming in from a leashed walk, his owner let him out unleashed as we were entering our apartment, he bolted down the stairs and shoved past me into our apartment and picked her up by the ribcage. I got torn apart freeing her and getting him back out into the hall, all while the owner was still upstairs, and only made it down in time to see me shove his dog out and slam my door closed. I have to be reminded of the dog attack every day when I see him taking the dog for walks. I was sick for months from antibiotics and infections that ensued because of the antibiotic treatment for my wounds. While they continue on with their lives as if nothing happened.

Avalanche will be so much happier with safe, enclosed play space (supervised of course). I go crazy when I don't have my outside time. I play with her indoors as much as I can to keep her active and stimulated and enriched but I know it's not enough to really give her the fullest quality of life she could have.

If we really can't handle the payments and everything goes wrong, we can sell it and go back to renting. We will be okay as long as we have each other. I do not feel confident in my earning potential long term, but Josh feels confident in his, and this was an important step for him to take in his life, so I am happy to support it. Maybe it will inspire me to rise to the occasion and find ways to make more income, to improve our situation.

Off to ride my bike and visit the farmers market. I have a few admin things to do before I leave, regarding paperwork for the house, then change and off I go. Maybe listen to some John Muir writings while I ride.