serafaery

In a lot of physical pain today, I guess I messed up my back doing silks yesterday. Maybe doing silks while crying is not ideal.

The tears were mostly from the stress of the home buying process. It's gutting in its terror, for me, but Josh wants this so badly and I have let him down enough times. He has done so, so much for me, I need to put some faith in him that we can do this. I would rather not. My childhood home was foreclosed on. Watching the bank take back your parents' house is an awful experience, there are no words for the way it disrupts, permanently, any psychological notions (however false) of safely, stability, a place to call home, any sort of safety net. (My grandparents died when I was young or before I was born, sick and in pain, we have no other connected relatives, there has never been anything left to fall back on.) I don't want to experience anything like that ever again.

So, I cried a lot, yesterday, signing away my life savings for an unknown risk.

I was not happy with my realtor, and then embarrassed at my own behavior (I picked him out, after all), and he called me specifically to try to help calm me down a little bit, and offered gently that he could understand, because his parents also had their house foreclosed on, so, he could see why I would feel fearful and overwhelmed. It was kind of him to listen and have some real patience with my over-emotional over-sharing. It was nice not to feel judged or dismissed for being silly or overdramatic, as is usually the way when I try to make adult/major financial decisions and get overwhelmed and paralyzed.

It's an odd sensation, to take on a massive, incomprehensible debt, and pour ones life's savings (however meager mine happens to be) but a debt that at least you can live inside? How bizarre.

Anyway it's not set in stone until closing so we'll see how it goes.

I wanted to get SO MUCH done today, but I still haven't even managed to get my appointment schedule out to open appts for the month, and here it is 3pm, the sun is out after hours of rain, most of the day is already gone and I feel like I've done nothing. But I've been busy and nauseated all day working. I wish I had more to show for it. I'll get there.

Hot flashes get more bearable when the weather cools, lol.

I need a shower desperately.

Need to box up an order and ship it, visit the neighbor's plants one last time, send out checks and pay rent and pick up prescriptions and I reeeeeeeeeally wanted to get housework done today, sigh. My back says otherwise.

Still absolutely loving the little Finch self care app, but one downside is that I have not been journaling much at all.

It got me off my social media and youtube addiction, but it has also taken my attention away from here, and I don't love that. I will figure out a way to come back. I think maybe eventually the novelty will wear off and it won't captivate me quite so much. One issue is that it asks for "reflections" and other journal-like prompts, but they are only a couple of sentences and not stored anywhere, so it really just evaporates into space and I can't learn from myself that way, the way I can here. Here I can see my thoughts and review them and look at them from a distance and it helps *so much* in processing the often unhealthy ways I view and internally express what I am feeling or struggling with. I need to get back here.

That said, I put on my app a goal of at least doing a 3 thing per day gratitude practice, here, so I will try that, starting tonight (separate entries for daily gratitude list).

...

Today I was able to do some chores in the morning, hash out some issues with Josh surrounding the house that it looks as if we may purchase together (EEP), and took a nice long hard bike ride in the last of the sunny beautiful early fall days before the rain starts in earnest, tomorrow. I will hopefully pivot to housework and baking, lol.

During the bike ride I picked up a glass vase out of a free pile, while starting the (audio) book All The Way To The River by Elizabeth Gilbert. Though I've watched a few of her TED talks, I haven't read any of her books since Eat Pray Love, but despite the fact that her concept of "souls" and "god" does not resonate with me at all and seems childish and cliche and shallow, she is charming and disarmingly honest, her love is real, she is as true to herself as she knows how to be, and that's all that really matters.

I am noticing a theme of following along with people my age, and what happens when we hit our 50s. I actually loved that Jennifer Grey wrote her memoir in her early 60s, and I want to keep an eye out for more books from women of that age, as I resonate with them more than women my own age, who seem to be lagging behind a little, mostly because most of them still have parents, haven't even been without their grandparents for very long, and haven't lost several close friends to cancer, as I have. I feel closer in spirit to 70 year olds than 50 year olds. This is not an exaggeration. I know several 70 year olds and they are just further along in life, in so many ways, that I was forced to be, way too young. Not in every way. Of course there is tons I still have to learn, I am not 70. I am not confident I will reach that age.

Anyway.

After the vase pickup I went to the farmers market for the last ten minutes, was able to get delicious brewed coffee and picked up some veggies and an inexpensive bundle of sunflowers that fit perfectly in the vase I found. Josh met me at a nearby coffee shop and we discussed/resolved more house stuff and I'm terrified but feeling a bit better about it. I still need to finish the home buyers education modules I downloaded, I am going to try to work on those in the morning. I am too tired, tonight. It's stressful but important. I want to understand the closing process better before I actually move forward.

Got a big hug from Ian at the market. I should have messaged Karissa. I will reach out tomorrow.

I didn't journal about Jasmine thinking she lost our mutual friend's cat, and then the cat turning back up magically (I suspect she may have never left and was just hiding).

I have not journaled about the festival, or the vampire ball, or the second trip to Timberline, yet. I want to write about these things, I do. But right now, I want to read my friends page and listen to my new weird quirky river book.

Going to sip this sweet gentle cup of chamomile tea and turn in early, I think. Been really enjoying the red light mask Tyler gave me. I need more mushroom hunting with that guy.

..

trimmed Avalanche's claws while she was sleeping. It's the best time to do it, sometimes she barely wakes up to protest. I had to treat her for fleas last week, after several days of suspecting I might need to - but I brushed her with a flea comb every day and never found any signs, until one day I saw flea dirt on her chin (I think the flea was also there but by the time I grabbed her to look it ran off and only the dirt was left, but it was unmistakable. But after I treated her, I checked and checked and checked multiple times a day for dead fleas or more dirt and found not a single molecule of evidence of anything. So maybe I really did catch it before they had a chance to reproduce, and there was really only one? Fortunately she tolerated the medication (pesticide) just fine and now I know she's good for a while.

...

I cried and cried and cried over my mom this morning. This happens a lot. Most days lately I don't cry as much, but today it was half an hour of soft sobbing. I don't know what to do, this sadness haunts me constantly. I need to find a healthier way to process it. Maybe I can do some research on how to process unresolved grief. I am so sad about how she died, it was a traumatic process to witness at such close proximity, for so many slow, long, painful years. I am so sad about how I treated her when I was younger, how she treated me, how it was never really anyone's fault, how I know she was doing the best she could with the tools she was given, and so was I. But it wasn't good. Except for the parts that were wonderful. It's just all so heartbreaking and gutwrenching. I get overwhelmed and paralyzed by all of it, regularly. My dad's death is even sadder in many ways, and my grandparents both also died so painfully and miserably, long before dad died, which was 25 years ago now, it's all just too awful to bear. They were all so wonderful in their ways. They seemed powerful and magical to me as a small child. (Well, I never met my dad's parents, but I remember my mom's.) They seemed like everything. To have seen all of them reduced to ash and forgotten is just... untenably sad.

...

I showed Josh the 90s movie The Birdcage last night. He asked me why Robin Williams was depressed. He looked so worried. He's seen me so sad for so long, it scares him sometimes. I don't have any way to reassure him, because it feels scary to me too, how sad I get. I do think the app is helping. I think if I can get through menopause, and get more stable, after that I will be in better shape, emotionally. We'll see I guess.

have not been journaling. there has been so much going on. Josh and I had an absolutely spectacular time for our little 1 night 20hr vacation on the mountain at timberline lodge, swimming in a mountain pool all by ourselves, soaking in the hot tub, exploring the PCT and hiking up to Silcox Hut (not quite a mile up from Timberline). such a lovely little respite, and so needed. Josh kept saying he felt like he was on vacation. It was perfect.

I re-watched Dirty Dancing Wednesday night. Why have I been sleeping on this? This is the best movie ever. It was funny, I had mentioned in small talk with a customer that I wanted to re-watch it, and she commented that "it didn't age well." I am not going to argue with a paying customer, but I have to assume she didn't understand that it was set in the 60s? Even though it was shot in the 80s. If anything, this movie is even *more* timely than it was 40 years ago, because in the 80s, abortions were still legal, and now, as in 1968, they are not so easy to access and it's getting harder by the day. Women are dying, like they were then, because of this.

Also the dancing is just so good and Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze are so young and sweet and it's just so fun and the music is wonderful and I love the feel of an 80s movie, it's definitely a comfort place for me, I remember when we had no cell phones or internet, it was such a different world.

I had a hard, hard emotional crash yesterday, waves of grief that felt like drowning. I somehow got through my work day but could not function after. I've spent most of today in unbearable anxiety and struggling with a tummy ache and feeling generally in pain and terrible. I wanted to do some exercise and some crafting and get ready for the festival tomorrow and I've done nothing. I feel so terrible in my body that I just really don't want to get into costume, I don't know how to feel like myself in my faery attire anymore, I'm in so much pain all of the time and my body does not look like I want it to, dealing with aging is just so so hard, at this stage. Such a difficult place. It was like I fell off a cliff and landed all wrong and am still trying to heal all the wounds from the crash and figure out how to adjust to living at this new lower level of functioning and I'm still not fully accepting what my life has to look like, now. Being 50 and riddled with early-onset arthritis after being a high level multi-sport athlete, figure skater, and dancer, is sooooooooooo confusing. There is no consistent messaging for someone like me, I have to just make it up as i go along. I feel unseen and misunderstood and overlooked and forgotten and alone, most of the time. It doesn't feel pretty and I don't want to get dressed up and I don't want attention and I don't want to try to look pretty, it just feels impossible. but I still want to go. Not sure what to do. I need new costumes, a new more subdued, comfortable appearance. But for now, I will just have to use what I have and try to make it work, try to make it as comfortable as I can. We'll see how it goes. I may only go for a short while tomorrow and skip the nighttime stuff. I might go in the rain on Sunday, as the quieter soggier vibe appeals to me. I just want to see people being creative and fun-loving, and I want to get away from reality for a bit.

I'm sad I didn't get to my puppet that I wanted to make, sad I can't prioritize myself enough to set aside enough time for crafts. This needs to change.

Did you know this weekend is the Mothman festival in Point Pleasant, West Virginia? I want to go, one day. I just recently a few months ago read up on what Mothman is, after years of swooning over the images/concept of this cryptid, and I am just smitten.

...

I picked up the audiobook of Jennifer Grey's memoir, "Out of the Corner," and it is gripping. I love it. Her life is so vastly different from mine, it's so alien I can't relate and can't even be jealous, it would be like being jealous of a squid or something, I just have no reference point for what it would be like to grow up with love and support and a good education and an astonishing amount of privilege. It's like reading fiction. I was so neglected and isolated and my development was so truncated, I will never really feel like a whole complete developed person. She already was one when she was ten years old.

...

I am really enjoying my Finch app, it is keeping me off of the internet which was the main thing I was hoping it would help me with. I still check in but I don't mindlessly scroll compulsively for hours. I am so grateful. There is so much else it is helping me with, too. I brush my teeth every night, I even floss, I trim my nails and wash my face, I take my vitamins, I check my calendar in the morning, I made a to-do list and check things off as I complete them, I do breathing and grounding exercises when I start to feel horrible, it's just ridiculously helpful for someone with clinical major depressive disorder and "trauma brain," I can't even express how grateful I am for this little thing. It only helps a tiny bit with housework, I still am not decluttering and fall behind on cleaning and laundry, I still struggle with avoiding difficult parts of my work though the scheduling/messaging is getting better, it doesn't help much with exercise BUT it did finally get me on a consistent morning physical therapy routine which is HUGE, so helpful in reducing my foot pain symptoms. And it gets me outside for my evening walk, something I used to do consistently but had let go in the last year or so. So grateful. I am not happier, but I am more okay with not being okay, if that makes sense.

one day I will share vampire ball photos.

I missed the Shadowplay anniversary party and it sounded like a blast, I'm sorry I wasn't there for the fun, but I really needed to isolate and self-soothe some really heavy grief that was too much for me to carry. I toasted myself some tortilla chips with grated cheese sprinkled on them and diced up cherry tomatoes and tossed them on top after pulling them from the toaster oven, this was an ideal dinner for how I was feeling last night and I have no regrets. My body looks like someone who comfort eats but that's just where we are at right now, until I find better ways to manage my pain, since i don't take any drugs or drink, food is okay to indulge in, now and then.

I can still do a pull-up, at least on my good days. That counts for something.

This interview is absolutely delightful! I did not know Harrison Ford was so warm and wise and wonderful. (I don't follow pop culture very closely, though I do remember him rescuing lost hikers with his personal plane in Wyoming, many years ago.)

Josh's cold he brought back from his work trip finally did me in. This is typically the pattern. He comes home sick from travel, I appear to be in the clear for a week, and just as he recovers, I succumb.

It's miserable, this is the sickest I've been in a while. The sinus headache is the worst, I'm just so congested. Had to cancel work and social plans, but I'm happy to rest. I just wish I felt a little less horrible. The pain was bad enough that I took two ibuprofen last night, something I do less than once a year on average, I would say.

Barely slept last night, my nose completely plugs if I lie down so I have to prop up my head.

I dreamt of saltines, that's how much I love them. I found a brand a few months ago that is made with organic olive oil, rosemary, and sesame seeds, and they come in little eight-cracker packets, and I consume one daily. It is such a lovely little airy salty crispy comforting treat. It is childhood comfort food and I love it so.

Josh and I put in another offer on another house. We'll see if this one lands, it's a solid offer, we are pretty serious about this one. It is on an ugly street in a so-so neighborhood, but it is near enough things we like (1/2 - 1.5 miles from several parks, stores, cafes, and his parents) to make it okay. While the street is not attractive, the house most definitely is. We drove by it a month ago and decided not to schedule a tour because of the unattractive street, but I talked Josh into trying again and when we got inside... the two storey vaulted ceiling in the livingroom has a glorious support beam running the length of the room, perfect for rigging silks. !!! I had completely given up on the idea of finding anything I could rig silks in, and my eyes misted over with hope, which I had to hide from the seller's agent who was hosting the open house. There is a cat door and a fully fenced back yard for Avalanche, with easy to maintain landscaping, small but not too small. It is a newer house (2000) so no lead paint. It has an office for Josh with a not-terrible westerly view of some beautiful trees. I have not felt this hopeful during this process yet. There have been zero offers and we sent in a very, very strong one, it will land. We just have to see how the aging roof and such comes out in inspection. It needs new windows and the fence is in need of repair, it might need a/c next summer, things could get expensive quickly, but hopefully we could space out the upgrades. I am terrified of the risk but hopeful for the potential rewards. I never thought I would own a house. Being able to rig silks is a game changer. Josh would enjoy that as well. This might work. It is near a popular mall where I could potentially partner with a shop to sparkle in, which would help me capture customers on that side of town. There is so much potential. There is no street parking but we could move our cars around the corner and have guests park in the driveway of the two-car garage, it is workable. It has rhododendrons and japanese maples, very little grass (we both dislike lawns), a cute little netted covered shelter in the back (a creek nearby probably fosters mosquitoes) and simple decking, it is so sweet. Terrified but also crossing my fingers. We are lucky to hit sort of a sweet spot in the market where interest rates have fallen, but only just this weekend, so the price of houses have not risen in response, yet. So it's a lower monthly payment than paying the same amount for a house a month ago. Or even a week ago.

The forms for these are always stressful but I got through them okay, this morning, despite the headcold.

My reward is this little second cup of coffee with a hint of chocolate sauce and I will settle in with a youtube video of fall decorations from one of my very favorite channels, Renee's cozy cottage.

Avalanche knows I'm sick - she curled up on my lap this morning instead of insisting on her usual morning playtime, she knows.

...

Josh and I had a lot of fun at the Vampire Ball Saturday. We were both tired (I didn't realize I was succumbing to his cold and thought it was just my period making me feel bad) so left just after midnight, usually I dance dance dance the night away until 2am there. Finley made an appearance and was very kind to me and sent me some sweet messages after.

I should post pictures but my face hurts, uuughhhh lol.

Avalanche just came back to my lap purring up a storm, awwww.

I found frozen bone broth in the fridge I made months ago and thawed it last night and had it for breakfast this morning, it was soooooooooo soothing, thanks past me for taking the time to simmer bones for 24 hrs so I could have some healthy nourishment in my time of illness.

Thanks mom for teaching me how to make bone broth.

My mother was magical and powerful and magnificent in so many ways. Her mental illness and addition got the better of her, often, but deep down she was good and she gave me such wonderful gifts and I am forever grateful. Nobody is perfect and while some of her cruelty was unforgivable, I miss her painfully every day and am forever grateful for her goodness, and how hard she worked to provide a good life for me, she absolutely did the best she could and despite all the pain I love love love her forever, for that. I still feel like a broken off shard of her, she was bigger and greater and smarter and just more of a person than I am in so many ways. My depression and hyper-sensitivity have severely limited what I could do with what I've been given, and that is all okay. I am at peace with it. At least in this moment. My body is falling apart and hurting and failing in so many ways, but I've grateful for everything it's done to get me where I am. I am filled with gratitude, today, despite not being able to breathe through my nose, lol. My husband is being a jewel. My cat is being an angel. I am so, so lucky.

...

Maru died, on Sept 6. He was old, well into his 18th year. So I've been preparing for this for a while. He got lung cancer. He was such a magical cute adorable funny delightful charming singularly unique cat. I want to do a tribute with Avalanche in a box for him, I will see if I can get her to do something cute in Maru-style later today. I kind of want to send flowers or something to his owner, but they are in Japan. I am just so grateful for his adorableness and to them for sharing his antics with us for all these years. What a gift. What a funny life this is.

...

Still really enjoying the Finch app. Might be getting a little obsessive. But I don't think it's all bad. Josh asked why I was keeping up with the dishes? I explained that the app is helpful for chores. "You gameified it!" Yep pretty much :) Still perfectly happy with the free version, still learning all the little quirks of it. For example, I gave a few gifts today, just sort of for fun and as an experiment, and did not realize that once it's gifted, it will pop back up for purchase (not money, you get little stones for accomplishing tasks that can be spent on outfits or home decor for your support birb) again, so I don't have to go without myself if it's also something I want to own. I missed my chance on an item I liked, but I am trying to be at peace with not obsessing over collecting items. It's more about the micro-habits and gentle support through difficult tasks, like signing house offer forms :) Which I have another set to do still! But not until after I watch Renee's fall decoration video. :)

I love this lady this is my new favorite lady.

stalling on getting to the hospital for my x-ray, I really hate walk-in appts! But I've done it before and it wasn't too bad. (I think I had to do this for my shoulder MRI, oddly enough.) I think there is a starbucks inside so I can maybe get a cold brew with cold foam as a little treat when I am done.

Just need to box up an order and drop it off, get packed up for the sunflower farm trip, get gas, x-ray, and then head to Sauvie's.

I am bringing my book/notes/letters as during Halloween they have a really nice outdoor seating area with drinks and snacks and I'm hoping I can hang out and read/write for a bit.

Been studying a house buying book Josh suggested, I'm on sidings and it's a lot. It's really tempting to skip over things like brick and stucco since I doubt I'll buy a house with that sort of siding, but I enjoy completeness when reading physical books. I am getting through it and taking lots of notes!

I still want that Decomposition Notebook with the bats on it really bad. I should buy one for myself, I just haven't yet. I saw them at New Seasons recently but not the bat pattern.

I want to start writing more physical notes and letters since I have become more isolated socially since being in so much physical pain (and resulting deep depression) and the people I love seem to dislike online connection for the most part (grateful to those who are here!), in my ideal world I'd have a messaging group check-in regularly and a weekly zoom with my buddies, but I think because so many people "work from home" they all hate zoom now. My work is the opposite but I don't know anyone else who does service work, except Liz - who was an adventure buddy and figure skating buddy. :( I would love to find a way to reconnect with her but she's also rarely online.

ugh, breaks my heart. Maybe I can send her notes. I need black paper/cards and silver/gold/white paint pens.

Anyway.

The cutest thing happened. I was listening to Sidewalks and Skeletons last night during my sunset walk around the courtyard, and thinking about other current goth/darkwave music, and my new little self-care app that Ta suggested to me suggested that I send her a song recommendation. I was browsing around and it was so funny how this happened, but, last week at the club my DJ played a really good song that I've heard before there several times but didn't know the artist (or forgot), or the name of it. I wanted to know because I loved it but I also was too caught up in the moment to stop dancing, the energy that night was definitely right at its peak when he played it, so I wasn't about to walk over to him and ask what it was. I knew I would hear it again. But it's been bugging me since. So while I was looking for a song for Ta, I was browsing around artists similar to Sidewalks and Skeletons and Crystal Castles came up - and I thought, hey, I bet that's who does that song.

And they are!

So I sent her that song, and I've listened to it probably 15 times since I found it as I was falling asleep last night :) Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.It's not a new song, I don't know how I forgot who did it. Maybe because I have early onset dementia I dunno (I really feel like I have this, sometimes).

A blessed Sunday to myself. Josh flies home from his weekend with Emily tonight. I'll go get him at the airport, and then take him back in the morning for four days in New Jersey for work - poor guy, too much flying.

It's another 95 degree day so I'll close up the apartment and turn on the a/c for Avalanche before I head out to the farmers market. I haven't decided if I'm biking or driving, yet. I'm a bit worn out from all the hiking yesterday. But maybe I can just take it easy on the bike? We'll see how I feel once I'm dressed.

The crows are chattering sweetly. It's slightly overcast and cooler than yesterday, at least so far.

Tyler and I ran off to the coast yesterday to escape the 100 degree day. It was lovely, but unfortunately traffic was a total nightmare. This is why I never go to the coast on weekends in the summer. But this was the only day Tyler could go so I decided to tough it out. It took about three hours to get there and almost 4 hours driving to get home, it was sooooooo bad. (Usually a coastal drive is less than 2hrs each way, but, I always go on Tues/Wednesdays.) But I still would have rather been with him than alone, the trail itself was empty, the mountain was beautiful, and we were treated to the most delightful beach sunset, which was legitimately chilly! So nice after a hot day of hiking. I didn't want to brave a busy restaurant so we popped into a local grocery store and grabbed some snacks before heading out, I am grateful for this. I brought us food also, but I didn't really bring enough to feed Tyler, whose metabolism is 4x as fast as mine, so extra snacks were needed. We found so many cool mushrooms! Quite the score for summer!

It does always make me a little sad that my presence in a beautiful area requires disrupting the space that elk and deer and other forest life used to be able to call their home in peace. I will never not think about this. Even the bugs that get accidentally squished upset me, I can't help it. These kinds of things are why I hate to travel, I try not to drive very much (I put about 5,000 miles a year on my car), I don't like to fly, I feel like I just cause damage and wreckage by existing. I saw this funny video about Europeans protesting the flood of American tourists and it just made me laugh a little. This is why I don't go! But it's also the case, as always, that my sacrifices make so little difference and entitled rich people will just keep traveling and flying everywhere with no concern for the damage it causes. There was this retired couple being interviewed about getting shot with super soakers by Madrid locals, and they were chuckling and saying it was refreshing in the heat and "very exciting actually," which just, uuuuuuugh. These countries depend on tourism, but it's gotten out of control. It reminds me of the car bloat that has happened in this country - nobody thinks about the social and environmental damage of driving a huge car, everyone gets bigger and bigger SUVs and trucks and act like it's just normal. And here I am in my little Fit, desperately trying to see around all these monstrosities on the road all around me while trying to stay safe, it's soooooooooooo awful and nobody talks about it or cares. Nobody needs giant cars! But it's easy and has become normalized and makes them feel safer and more powerful to tower up over everyone else. It's sickening and I hate it. Just needed to vent about that.

I am just... so mindful and thoughtful about my impact, in a world where people just rampantly cause destruction and pollution wherever they go without a second thought. It's why I have this pet peeve about disposable coffee cups. I have been bringing cups to cafes forEVER, I hate making trash unnecessarily. I do this in restaurants (which I rarely go to) whenever possible too, to avoid all that plastic waste. But even after decades, it just doesn't catch on. It's so easy and only takes a moment of thoughtfulness (oh, we're going to get tacos, I'll grab a pyrex just in case we take something home), but nobody else bothers, and they look at me like I'm crazy and grudgingly take my cup or bin as if I am so crazy hippie weirdo. Everyone should be doing this. But alas. It's just little me. I feel so alone in this. It is all set up this way, it is impossible not to make trash, I did it last night buying Josh's lasagna at that lil grocery store, as I hadn't anticipated the purchase and didn't have a bin. It sucks that this isn't just how we do things. Nobody is perfect and I'm not trying to personally blame or guilt anyone, I just wish the culture was different so that this was not such a painful uphill lonely battle. But. I will not stop. Every once in a while I do get a sweet compliment from a barista or something. "It's that sweet environmentally friendly fairy lady!" lol.

My cups have become fashion statements too, due to the art stickers I've added to them. Spooky bunny and mushroom skull and baby Zero and shooting star flowers all get noticed. It's nice. Even for the iced drinks, baristas will exclaim, "I love mason jars!" :)

....

Today I want to visit the farmers market, grab some other groceries and n/a beer, read the house hunting book, and write some cards to my friends with cancer/terminal illnesses.

The floors are swept and I'm caught up on orders. There are ants again but I'm working on it. Website maintenance would be nice but I also want to research possible puppets for the festival this year. I could get started on my moth, or look into a possible light up night puppet with moveable wings and paws (I don't know what this animal would be yet - maybe a made up one - a ghost dragon? I dunno).

...

Been craving so many treats: a buttery pastry, a glazed doughnut, a dipped cone from DQ, a vegan fast food burger (maybe the fake chicken or fish sandwich, with sweet potato fries?), olive/rosemary focaccia. Maybe I can find something indulgent at the market, today. But first, more coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

...

Wrist feels much better, glad I took a break from silks. I avoided using trekking poles yesterday for Neahkanie mountain, which is a 1400' elevation gain hike with lots of roots and logs and erosion and rocks, but it went fine. I might have to do this a lot more going forward, since my hands hurt so often, these days.

Okay an hour left to get to market, time to cool down the apartment, Avalanche is crashed out asleep, time to get going.

so grateful for my little window a/c unit that kept the apartment cool for Avalanche while I was away at work, today.

so grateful for the a/c at work that keeps me and my customers comfortable on 100 degree days. It's miraculous!

so grateful for iced coffee drinks in the afternoon.

so grateful for dancing late into the night with fun, kind, attractive, silly, fun-loving people and closing the place down at 2am like a bunch of kids, and for Derek playing my favorite songs that kept me going until the wee hours of the morning, causing the required afternoon iced coffee. (He ended with Boys Noize for me! Again!)

so grateful for my sparkly job and the kind, sweet, gentle people who come to get sparkles in their hair from me, for prancing around in faery wings and ears all day, for a beautiful microgreen salad for lunch, for a beautiful breakfast of greek yogurt and berries and crunchy almonds.

for indulging in peanut butter to my heart's content while Josh is away for the weekend.

for a weekend free to do exactly what I want (other than a small mount of work which I am also grateful for!)

so grateful for customers continuing to fill up my appointments, week after week, keeping me afloat, keeping my cat and I housed and fed and our needs met.

thankful for my body not hurting too much today, despite putting it through the ringer this week - grateful I trusted my instincts and opted out of the hike and bike ride that might have increased my pain levels.

grateful for avocados! did you know that they are wonderful with peanut butter?

did I mention how much I love coffee.

I am exhausted and happy and content, tonight. It is 96 outside and 76 in my apartment. I am fed and sheltered and loved. life feels perfect in this moment.

it is 4:59pm! I get to have non-alcoholic beer whenever I want! (I try to wait until after 5pm to start drinking even if it's fake non-beer lol.)

grateful for my sobriety. I complain about it a lot because I get jealous of everyone's quick-fix coping mechanisms (drugs or pills or whatever) to deal with the ills of this world, but it really is better for me to not do any drugs or pharmaceuticals.

someone asked me at the club last night - a cute younger kid in some darker colored raver type pants - asked me if I was a Tiefling. I definitely could be! If I were ever into Dungeons and Dragons I'm sure I'd have played tiefling characters. I had a Tauren the one time I played WOW. I enjoy horns, what can I say.

grateful for saltines, and other small packaged treats that keep me going throughout the day.

grateful for a cozy bed I shall likely fall into at any moment :)

Just wanted to acknowledge, I know three beautiful women who are either terminally ill or receiving chemo for very aggressive forms of cancer. I have lost so many friends and family members, I think this sort of thing becomes triggering, after a while. I bought cards for all of them today, but I don't have their mailing addresses. I will figure out how to ask, maybe in a couple of days I will try.

I am so grateful for what I have. I wish I could find a way to be at peace with this life, as it is, in this moment.

Maybe the stars will help.