serafaery

Josh's cold he brought back from his work trip finally did me in. This is typically the pattern. He comes home sick from travel, I appear to be in the clear for a week, and just as he recovers, I succumb.

It's miserable, this is the sickest I've been in a while. The sinus headache is the worst, I'm just so congested. Had to cancel work and social plans, but I'm happy to rest. I just wish I felt a little less horrible. The pain was bad enough that I took two ibuprofen last night, something I do less than once a year on average, I would say.

Barely slept last night, my nose completely plugs if I lie down so I have to prop up my head.

I dreamt of saltines, that's how much I love them. I found a brand a few months ago that is made with organic olive oil, rosemary, and sesame seeds, and they come in little eight-cracker packets, and I consume one daily. It is such a lovely little airy salty crispy comforting treat. It is childhood comfort food and I love it so.

Josh and I put in another offer on another house. We'll see if this one lands, it's a solid offer, we are pretty serious about this one. It is on an ugly street in a so-so neighborhood, but it is near enough things we like (1/2 - 1.5 miles from several parks, stores, cafes, and his parents) to make it okay. While the street is not attractive, the house most definitely is. We drove by it a month ago and decided not to schedule a tour because of the unattractive street, but I talked Josh into trying again and when we got inside... the two storey vaulted ceiling in the livingroom has a glorious support beam running the length of the room, perfect for rigging silks. !!! I had completely given up on the idea of finding anything I could rig silks in, and my eyes misted over with hope, which I had to hide from the seller's agent who was hosting the open house. There is a cat door and a fully fenced back yard for Avalanche, with easy to maintain landscaping, small but not too small. It is a newer house (2000) so no lead paint. It has an office for Josh with a not-terrible westerly view of some beautiful trees. I have not felt this hopeful during this process yet. There have been zero offers and we sent in a very, very strong one, it will land. We just have to see how the aging roof and such comes out in inspection. It needs new windows and the fence is in need of repair, it might need a/c next summer, things could get expensive quickly, but hopefully we could space out the upgrades. I am terrified of the risk but hopeful for the potential rewards. I never thought I would own a house. Being able to rig silks is a game changer. Josh would enjoy that as well. This might work. It is near a popular mall where I could potentially partner with a shop to sparkle in, which would help me capture customers on that side of town. There is so much potential. There is no street parking but we could move our cars around the corner and have guests park in the driveway of the two-car garage, it is workable. It has rhododendrons and japanese maples, very little grass (we both dislike lawns), a cute little netted covered shelter in the back (a creek nearby probably fosters mosquitoes) and simple decking, it is so sweet. Terrified but also crossing my fingers. We are lucky to hit sort of a sweet spot in the market where interest rates have fallen, but only just this weekend, so the price of houses have not risen in response, yet. So it's a lower monthly payment than paying the same amount for a house a month ago. Or even a week ago.

The forms for these are always stressful but I got through them okay, this morning, despite the headcold.

My reward is this little second cup of coffee with a hint of chocolate sauce and I will settle in with a youtube video of fall decorations from one of my very favorite channels, Renee's cozy cottage.

Avalanche knows I'm sick - she curled up on my lap this morning instead of insisting on her usual morning playtime, she knows.

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Josh and I had a lot of fun at the Vampire Ball Saturday. We were both tired (I didn't realize I was succumbing to his cold and thought it was just my period making me feel bad) so left just after midnight, usually I dance dance dance the night away until 2am there. Finley made an appearance and was very kind to me and sent me some sweet messages after.

I should post pictures but my face hurts, uuughhhh lol.

Avalanche just came back to my lap purring up a storm, awwww.

I found frozen bone broth in the fridge I made months ago and thawed it last night and had it for breakfast this morning, it was soooooooooo soothing, thanks past me for taking the time to simmer bones for 24 hrs so I could have some healthy nourishment in my time of illness.

Thanks mom for teaching me how to make bone broth.

My mother was magical and powerful and magnificent in so many ways. Her mental illness and addition got the better of her, often, but deep down she was good and she gave me such wonderful gifts and I am forever grateful. Nobody is perfect and while some of her cruelty was unforgivable, I miss her painfully every day and am forever grateful for her goodness, and how hard she worked to provide a good life for me, she absolutely did the best she could and despite all the pain I love love love her forever, for that. I still feel like a broken off shard of her, she was bigger and greater and smarter and just more of a person than I am in so many ways. My depression and hyper-sensitivity have severely limited what I could do with what I've been given, and that is all okay. I am at peace with it. At least in this moment. My body is falling apart and hurting and failing in so many ways, but I've grateful for everything it's done to get me where I am. I am filled with gratitude, today, despite not being able to breathe through my nose, lol. My husband is being a jewel. My cat is being an angel. I am so, so lucky.

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Maru died, on Sept 6. He was old, well into his 18th year. So I've been preparing for this for a while. He got lung cancer. He was such a magical cute adorable funny delightful charming singularly unique cat. I want to do a tribute with Avalanche in a box for him, I will see if I can get her to do something cute in Maru-style later today. I kind of want to send flowers or something to his owner, but they are in Japan. I am just so grateful for his adorableness and to them for sharing his antics with us for all these years. What a gift. What a funny life this is.

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Still really enjoying the Finch app. Might be getting a little obsessive. But I don't think it's all bad. Josh asked why I was keeping up with the dishes? I explained that the app is helpful for chores. "You gameified it!" Yep pretty much :) Still perfectly happy with the free version, still learning all the little quirks of it. For example, I gave a few gifts today, just sort of for fun and as an experiment, and did not realize that once it's gifted, it will pop back up for purchase (not money, you get little stones for accomplishing tasks that can be spent on outfits or home decor for your support birb) again, so I don't have to go without myself if it's also something I want to own. I missed my chance on an item I liked, but I am trying to be at peace with not obsessing over collecting items. It's more about the micro-habits and gentle support through difficult tasks, like signing house offer forms :) Which I have another set to do still! But not until after I watch Renee's fall decoration video. :)

I love this lady this is my new favorite lady.

stalling on getting to the hospital for my x-ray, I really hate walk-in appts! But I've done it before and it wasn't too bad. (I think I had to do this for my shoulder MRI, oddly enough.) I think there is a starbucks inside so I can maybe get a cold brew with cold foam as a little treat when I am done.

Just need to box up an order and drop it off, get packed up for the sunflower farm trip, get gas, x-ray, and then head to Sauvie's.

I am bringing my book/notes/letters as during Halloween they have a really nice outdoor seating area with drinks and snacks and I'm hoping I can hang out and read/write for a bit.

Been studying a house buying book Josh suggested, I'm on sidings and it's a lot. It's really tempting to skip over things like brick and stucco since I doubt I'll buy a house with that sort of siding, but I enjoy completeness when reading physical books. I am getting through it and taking lots of notes!

I still want that Decomposition Notebook with the bats on it really bad. I should buy one for myself, I just haven't yet. I saw them at New Seasons recently but not the bat pattern.

I want to start writing more physical notes and letters since I have become more isolated socially since being in so much physical pain (and resulting deep depression) and the people I love seem to dislike online connection for the most part (grateful to those who are here!), in my ideal world I'd have a messaging group check-in regularly and a weekly zoom with my buddies, but I think because so many people "work from home" they all hate zoom now. My work is the opposite but I don't know anyone else who does service work, except Liz - who was an adventure buddy and figure skating buddy. :( I would love to find a way to reconnect with her but she's also rarely online.

ugh, breaks my heart. Maybe I can send her notes. I need black paper/cards and silver/gold/white paint pens.

Anyway.

The cutest thing happened. I was listening to Sidewalks and Skeletons last night during my sunset walk around the courtyard, and thinking about other current goth/darkwave music, and my new little self-care app that Ta suggested to me suggested that I send her a song recommendation. I was browsing around and it was so funny how this happened, but, last week at the club my DJ played a really good song that I've heard before there several times but didn't know the artist (or forgot), or the name of it. I wanted to know because I loved it but I also was too caught up in the moment to stop dancing, the energy that night was definitely right at its peak when he played it, so I wasn't about to walk over to him and ask what it was. I knew I would hear it again. But it's been bugging me since. So while I was looking for a song for Ta, I was browsing around artists similar to Sidewalks and Skeletons and Crystal Castles came up - and I thought, hey, I bet that's who does that song.

And they are!

So I sent her that song, and I've listened to it probably 15 times since I found it as I was falling asleep last night :) Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.It's not a new song, I don't know how I forgot who did it. Maybe because I have early onset dementia I dunno (I really feel like I have this, sometimes).

A blessed Sunday to myself. Josh flies home from his weekend with Emily tonight. I'll go get him at the airport, and then take him back in the morning for four days in New Jersey for work - poor guy, too much flying.

It's another 95 degree day so I'll close up the apartment and turn on the a/c for Avalanche before I head out to the farmers market. I haven't decided if I'm biking or driving, yet. I'm a bit worn out from all the hiking yesterday. But maybe I can just take it easy on the bike? We'll see how I feel once I'm dressed.

The crows are chattering sweetly. It's slightly overcast and cooler than yesterday, at least so far.

Tyler and I ran off to the coast yesterday to escape the 100 degree day. It was lovely, but unfortunately traffic was a total nightmare. This is why I never go to the coast on weekends in the summer. But this was the only day Tyler could go so I decided to tough it out. It took about three hours to get there and almost 4 hours driving to get home, it was sooooooo bad. (Usually a coastal drive is less than 2hrs each way, but, I always go on Tues/Wednesdays.) But I still would have rather been with him than alone, the trail itself was empty, the mountain was beautiful, and we were treated to the most delightful beach sunset, which was legitimately chilly! So nice after a hot day of hiking. I didn't want to brave a busy restaurant so we popped into a local grocery store and grabbed some snacks before heading out, I am grateful for this. I brought us food also, but I didn't really bring enough to feed Tyler, whose metabolism is 4x as fast as mine, so extra snacks were needed. We found so many cool mushrooms! Quite the score for summer!

It does always make me a little sad that my presence in a beautiful area requires disrupting the space that elk and deer and other forest life used to be able to call their home in peace. I will never not think about this. Even the bugs that get accidentally squished upset me, I can't help it. These kinds of things are why I hate to travel, I try not to drive very much (I put about 5,000 miles a year on my car), I don't like to fly, I feel like I just cause damage and wreckage by existing. I saw this funny video about Europeans protesting the flood of American tourists and it just made me laugh a little. This is why I don't go! But it's also the case, as always, that my sacrifices make so little difference and entitled rich people will just keep traveling and flying everywhere with no concern for the damage it causes. There was this retired couple being interviewed about getting shot with super soakers by Madrid locals, and they were chuckling and saying it was refreshing in the heat and "very exciting actually," which just, uuuuuuugh. These countries depend on tourism, but it's gotten out of control. It reminds me of the car bloat that has happened in this country - nobody thinks about the social and environmental damage of driving a huge car, everyone gets bigger and bigger SUVs and trucks and act like it's just normal. And here I am in my little Fit, desperately trying to see around all these monstrosities on the road all around me while trying to stay safe, it's soooooooooooo awful and nobody talks about it or cares. Nobody needs giant cars! But it's easy and has become normalized and makes them feel safer and more powerful to tower up over everyone else. It's sickening and I hate it. Just needed to vent about that.

I am just... so mindful and thoughtful about my impact, in a world where people just rampantly cause destruction and pollution wherever they go without a second thought. It's why I have this pet peeve about disposable coffee cups. I have been bringing cups to cafes forEVER, I hate making trash unnecessarily. I do this in restaurants (which I rarely go to) whenever possible too, to avoid all that plastic waste. But even after decades, it just doesn't catch on. It's so easy and only takes a moment of thoughtfulness (oh, we're going to get tacos, I'll grab a pyrex just in case we take something home), but nobody else bothers, and they look at me like I'm crazy and grudgingly take my cup or bin as if I am so crazy hippie weirdo. Everyone should be doing this. But alas. It's just little me. I feel so alone in this. It is all set up this way, it is impossible not to make trash, I did it last night buying Josh's lasagna at that lil grocery store, as I hadn't anticipated the purchase and didn't have a bin. It sucks that this isn't just how we do things. Nobody is perfect and I'm not trying to personally blame or guilt anyone, I just wish the culture was different so that this was not such a painful uphill lonely battle. But. I will not stop. Every once in a while I do get a sweet compliment from a barista or something. "It's that sweet environmentally friendly fairy lady!" lol.

My cups have become fashion statements too, due to the art stickers I've added to them. Spooky bunny and mushroom skull and baby Zero and shooting star flowers all get noticed. It's nice. Even for the iced drinks, baristas will exclaim, "I love mason jars!" :)

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Today I want to visit the farmers market, grab some other groceries and n/a beer, read the house hunting book, and write some cards to my friends with cancer/terminal illnesses.

The floors are swept and I'm caught up on orders. There are ants again but I'm working on it. Website maintenance would be nice but I also want to research possible puppets for the festival this year. I could get started on my moth, or look into a possible light up night puppet with moveable wings and paws (I don't know what this animal would be yet - maybe a made up one - a ghost dragon? I dunno).

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Been craving so many treats: a buttery pastry, a glazed doughnut, a dipped cone from DQ, a vegan fast food burger (maybe the fake chicken or fish sandwich, with sweet potato fries?), olive/rosemary focaccia. Maybe I can find something indulgent at the market, today. But first, more coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

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Wrist feels much better, glad I took a break from silks. I avoided using trekking poles yesterday for Neahkanie mountain, which is a 1400' elevation gain hike with lots of roots and logs and erosion and rocks, but it went fine. I might have to do this a lot more going forward, since my hands hurt so often, these days.

Okay an hour left to get to market, time to cool down the apartment, Avalanche is crashed out asleep, time to get going.

so grateful for my little window a/c unit that kept the apartment cool for Avalanche while I was away at work, today.

so grateful for the a/c at work that keeps me and my customers comfortable on 100 degree days. It's miraculous!

so grateful for iced coffee drinks in the afternoon.

so grateful for dancing late into the night with fun, kind, attractive, silly, fun-loving people and closing the place down at 2am like a bunch of kids, and for Derek playing my favorite songs that kept me going until the wee hours of the morning, causing the required afternoon iced coffee. (He ended with Boys Noize for me! Again!)

so grateful for my sparkly job and the kind, sweet, gentle people who come to get sparkles in their hair from me, for prancing around in faery wings and ears all day, for a beautiful microgreen salad for lunch, for a beautiful breakfast of greek yogurt and berries and crunchy almonds.

for indulging in peanut butter to my heart's content while Josh is away for the weekend.

for a weekend free to do exactly what I want (other than a small mount of work which I am also grateful for!)

so grateful for customers continuing to fill up my appointments, week after week, keeping me afloat, keeping my cat and I housed and fed and our needs met.

thankful for my body not hurting too much today, despite putting it through the ringer this week - grateful I trusted my instincts and opted out of the hike and bike ride that might have increased my pain levels.

grateful for avocados! did you know that they are wonderful with peanut butter?

did I mention how much I love coffee.

I am exhausted and happy and content, tonight. It is 96 outside and 76 in my apartment. I am fed and sheltered and loved. life feels perfect in this moment.

it is 4:59pm! I get to have non-alcoholic beer whenever I want! (I try to wait until after 5pm to start drinking even if it's fake non-beer lol.)

grateful for my sobriety. I complain about it a lot because I get jealous of everyone's quick-fix coping mechanisms (drugs or pills or whatever) to deal with the ills of this world, but it really is better for me to not do any drugs or pharmaceuticals.

someone asked me at the club last night - a cute younger kid in some darker colored raver type pants - asked me if I was a Tiefling. I definitely could be! If I were ever into Dungeons and Dragons I'm sure I'd have played tiefling characters. I had a Tauren the one time I played WOW. I enjoy horns, what can I say.

grateful for saltines, and other small packaged treats that keep me going throughout the day.

grateful for a cozy bed I shall likely fall into at any moment :)

Just wanted to acknowledge, I know three beautiful women who are either terminally ill or receiving chemo for very aggressive forms of cancer. I have lost so many friends and family members, I think this sort of thing becomes triggering, after a while. I bought cards for all of them today, but I don't have their mailing addresses. I will figure out how to ask, maybe in a couple of days I will try.

I am so grateful for what I have. I wish I could find a way to be at peace with this life, as it is, in this moment.

Maybe the stars will help.

Natasha made me a slideshow of Avalanche's kitten photos, I love it so much.



Things I'd love to do today: ( things to do list )

had kind of a rough day, the moon is full, I am having no luck getting into the shower so I can go dance at the club. I can just go for an hour. I just want to pop in I think. No crazy outfit this week, no crazy dancing, just, be in the space I feel safest for a small while. I can do this. Why is it so hard to move.

I have devolved into a really painful and nonfunctional place psychologically and I'm not sure what to do about it.

In so much pain, and so scared about it. Worried for Josh, whose parents' health are failing in multiple ways simultaneously, and seeing how he can't handle it, and seeing how I am on the same trajectory. He won't be able to handle my decline, either. Neither will I. It's going to get so much worse, and I am so scared.

I think I am still too traumatized from the unbearably slow and unspeakably painful way my mother died to be able to ever feel safe or unafraid.

My brain has not worked at all today.

I keep doing crazy stuff like, grabbing the wrong key for the wrong door, I sat on the toilet before lifting the seat, the voice inside my head keeps calling Avalanche "Willow" (my cat who died in 2011, that Avi sometimes reminds me of, they are the same size and softness and they both trill, but they don't look alike, and Wil has been dead for 14 years, so it scares me when my brain does this).

I have been sleeping since 6pm, I think I just need to go back to bed. I can dance on Sunday instead, it's okay.

I feel very lucky that Brandie texted me about the moon. I am sad that our friendship fizzled, but I appreciate her moon texts, they have been consistent lately. I asked her to do this for me when Madoc died of cancer in 2020, as he was my moon texting friend back then and I missed his messages more than I could bear. You know those people that are just able to find where the two of you meet emotionally, and make space for you there.

had an okay rest of the day. made josh some pizza. got henna on my hair and finally took a shower. walked back to the mechanic to pick up my car which now has new brakes and rotors. A little stressed about the potentially leaking newly replaced battery but I will check in a few times over the next couple weeks and call the battery place I got it from if it looks suspect to me. sigh.

was misty rainy cloudy all day, was really nice actually. was almost cool enough to bake cookies, but I refrained. this time. It will be 100 degrees again next week, so, enjoying this while i can.

failed to do any website work or fold my laundry or cull anything, but I'm also in a lot of pain and happy with what I did accomplish. ate reasonably well. got some cat food after I got my car back.

They washed my car! Bless them. This is literally the 4th time it has been washed in the 8 years that I've owned it.

The inside still needs cleaned, I might take it to the coin-op vacuum place and do that tomorrow while it is still empty. Then I can wipe it down and replace whatever I feel like should be in there. There are certain things I like to always keep in my car: spare scissors and gloves and pens, charging cords, hair ties, umbrella, deodorant, a clean jar for drinks or coffee (I have a pet peeve about disposable coffee cups), water, pillow and wool blanket (for emergency strandedness - this has never happened to me and I hope it never will), packaged snacks, napkins, ice scraper, a little bag for wrappers and such, hand sanitizer. Usually I have a spare hoodie floating around in the back.

I need to re-do my earthquake emergency bin but I should clean out the storage closet before I do that.

I think I might go to bed early again. Back and feet are hurting after 4 miles of urban walking, today.

But hey, my hair is dyed, my car can stop safely, and Josh and Avalanche are fed. All is relatively well.

I started taking collagen consistently after a second doctor insisted I do so, and for the first time, I can see a visible difference, in my fingernails. I am hopeful it might help my joints and other physical areas, too (skin and hair, etc). I am so grateful that Cynthia gave me some in pill form, for the days when I'm not able to do my 2nd morning hot drink to consume the powder form. I found the Vital Proteins Marine Collagen powder at Natural Grocers for a full $12 less than the cost at the other grocery store - it is still $2 more than the fullscript price but comes out to be less overall since I'm not paying for shipping. Grateful. I would take gelatin instead but I can't find the Knott's gelatin anywhere? Except in little individual 5g packets, which doesn't work if I need to take 30g a day.

At least during this phase of perimenopause, it has become clear that I cannot do anything meaningful or serious or important after 8pm. I'm not up for folding laundry, so. Might as well just sleep.

I think the cleaning videos are overwhelming me a little bit, because they sort of are forcing me to remove my blinders around my own clutter piles. or DOOM piles as they are affectionately called in the ADHD community. ("Didn't Organize Only Moved.") My entire apartment is pretty much a collection of DOOM piles, oops. I do not think I have ADHD. I think I have Attention Deficit, but due to screen usage, not as an actual neural type. It's not a disorder, it's an appropriate and expected symptom of staring at screens too much.

Took my car in to get the brakes fixed, walked home from the shop. It's in an unpleasant area so the walk is mostly unpleasant, but the weather is so lovely. It's this soft grey summer light rain overcast morning, there was not enough rain to use my umbrella. I couldn't pass up walking in that.

But my ankle and back were twinging a mile in. (It was maybe a two mile walk.) So I will skip silks again, today. I have Friday off so I can go then hopefully. The Friday open gym host plays generic lo-fi music which is unbearable to try to work out to, everything in that "music" screams "plz sit idle and mindlessly scroll the internet and do nothing else," to me, but I will try to push through and just ignore it. I can bring my earbuds maybe.

I am so sad. My body hurts, my heart hearts, my tummy hurts, I had to just pause and sit with my face in my hands for a minute. I cried on the way home. Walking past the mall that I grew up in and seeing what pandemic did to it can be emotionally crushing. I can't wait to move away from this area.

But so grateful for the soft summer rain.

So far we have been spared wildfire smoke. I know it's coming, so I am just so thankful for every day that goes by that I'm not inhaling smoke.

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I cleaned out my car entirely before taking it to the shop. I am totally wiped out from doing that. I pulled out enough blankets and sheets and clothing to do four loads of laundry. (Stuff leftover from camping and hiking.) I might try to work through that pile, today.

I also want to do more culling, it is just so difficult and slow-going. I'd like to tackle the bathroom. It seems like there are always more important things to do, but it would feel really good to have one room entirely cleaned out.

I have so many more to tackle, I can't think about it or I get paralyzed with anxiety and overwhelm.

..

I would also love to work on my website, we'll see if I can motivate at all toward that, today.

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While walking through the neighborhood where we do Thriller flashmob practices every year, I thought really hard about whether I want to do that again. I've been teaching for 12 years at this point, and I just don't want to anymore. I am in so much physical pain, I probably have no business dancing on concrete at all. But also, practicing at the park is awful. Most of my classes only had 3-5 people in them, so we were not enough of a presence to deter aggressive basket ball players from shooting baskets near us (the basketball courts are where we perform every year, so we have been using this as practice space), and I got hit with a ball last year. I don't want to risk a hit that results in injury, for me or for anyone else trying to learn. I hate the sound of the balls too, it hurts my ears, I have tinnitus now and that will make it worse.

We do all of this for free, we have no budget, there is nowhere I wouldn't be embarrassed asking to use space to practice in, since Michael Jackson is such an unsavory character in general. It isn't a celebration of Michael, it's just a troupe of zombies and an appreciation for the song itself and the dance, but many people would view that as condoning child abuse or whatever. I am a child sex abuse victim myself so I just don't feel comfortable even asking.

So, I need to talk to our fearless organizer about this. I am the last of the instructors left, so if I go, the entire thing will most likely fall apart. I feel bad but I can't hold it up by myself, and I don't want to.

Need to refresh my Wednesday dance, in the meantime.

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erg, the mechanic tried to upsell me an oil change and a new battery. I just replaced my battery in January and my oil change also just happened. I think I will go find another mechanic after this. This is a place Josh found, and I've used them because I can walk home from their shop. I think because my car is filthy, they think I neglect my maintenance. I do not. It's filthy because I take her to the mountains, and don't have access to a hose or shop vac.

uuugghhhhh okay need to get over this anger-induced cortisol burst and get something done. :( might need some breakfast. my cramps are super painful right now and I don't want to eat, but I probably should.