serafaery

had wanted so much to journal last night, but was so so exhausted, it was a crazy day.

Shadowplay was really nice Thursday night, despite the unsavory elements in the club. Its location is sketchy and there is no admittance policy, no cover, no dress code, for Thursday nights, so literally anyone off the street can wander in, and they do. My shirt got moved which never happens, I tucked it back behind Derek like I used to always do, and I stuck a little closer to him than usual. He asked if I was okay at one point, and I said sure, it's just too noisy a place to chat about my health problems. "I'm okay just my left boob hurts so much I can't raise my arm because it got stabbed with a giant needle and also they found a potential precursor to cancer and they want to chop it all out of me and I'm a bit freaked out but yeah I'm good" is not an appropriate late night answer to shout over the music, yanno.

( breast health issues. )

There was a moment at Shadowplay when an unsavory dude who was vaping asked me my name while I was trying to dance. I shook my head in a silent decline but there wasn't much space to get away from him, and he stayed leaning over me. A new-ish regular who is this lovely svelte older gentleman who always wears skin tight vinyl shorts, stiletto heels, leather straps, and a mask, carefully, thoughtfully, wedged his little body between me and the vape dude. I have not even learned this guy's name yet, though we have been dancing together for two or three months now. I was so grateful.

One would think at age 50 I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore, but here we are.

It was a lovely night regardless, I got long snuggly hugs with Derek and Manders and I danced some, I am a little annoyed that after her slight breast cancer scare earlier this year that she didn't even acknowledge that I had a biopsy, let alone bothered to ask about the results. But whatevs. It's just more clarity for me that she is not someone I can invest energy into, it's just sad.

I went home sort of early for me, so I was able to get up early enough to clean the entire apartment before work, which felt really, really good. I baked a pumpkin pie, I did all the dishes, I cooked my mushrooms and vegetables and made a really beautiful healthy lunch, I am determined to work on my snacking issues and get back down to a shape I don't dislike so much. I am only 5-8lbs overweight, it's not catastrophic and it is fixable, so I am focusing on this as much as I can, went back to my weight loss meditations, part of this is the breast health scare and wanting to avoid sugar and processed foods as much as possible. Back to cruciferous vegetables on a daily basis for me, hopefully!

The morning Friday was sort of the quiet before the storm, I was able to get outside for my usual ten minutes of outside time with my self-care app and coffee before the rain started. I met a cute little doggie named Georgie. The sky was beautiful and moody as the storm rolled in. By the time I was fed and packed up for work and heading out, it was dumping rain. It did that allllllll day.

Work was intense. I had new people, familiar people, someone who asked for a lesson, someone who I often find challenging to be in the same room with, and then the darling lovely Alisa for two hours straight in the afternoon. She had asked me for extra sparkles as she has multiple trips coming up and also had to put down her 18 year old cat a few days ago. I gave her a little sympathy card, not much but it was something, I drew little paw-prints on it while I had my coffee break at Albina Press before sparkling her. I stood inside and doodled on her card while the rain poured down through the open door next to me, it was so beautiful. I love open air but cozy covered areas like that when it's pouring but not very cold, like it was yesterday.

Alisa wants to go for the world record of most sparkles in her hair of anyone ever, and I am more than happy to help her. Her appt alone cost as much as I sometimes made in an entire day's work, I was very very grateful. But also completely wiped out and exhausted, after. It took forever to clean up all the little sparkle remnants all over the floor, and of course it's a lot to talk about dead animals, a topic that is so hard to avoid when it has just happened to someone. She's delightful and I loved every minute of it but boy was I tired after. I think the dancing the night before plus cleaning the entire apartment the next morning (an hour and a half straight of physical work) was part of it, too, of course.

After I finally had everything cleaned and put away, the sun popped out and there was the most vivid, bright, spectacular rainbow I can ever remember seeing. I just stood and gazed, and took my time picking wet persimmons while watching the leaves of all the trees around me glowing in the sun under that stunning rainbow. It's such a beautiful phenomenon, how lucky are we to live in such a shockingly gorgeous universe.

Went to the grocery store and it was so hard to go inside because the sky was so beautiful. The rainbow faded and all this blue sky with whispy white and golden clouds showed up, colliding with the dark grey and orange roiling storm clouds that had moved east. Watching these two cold fronts come together was a wonder to witness, and I couldn't stop staring for quite a while.

Got home and kind of collapsed. I had hoped to do more chores but I couldn't even journal, I just slept and set an alarm so I could go pick up Josh at the airport later. His flight was delayed so he didn't land until 11:30pm, I was able to fill his tank on the way there, so at least one chore happened. I've been back on my physical therapy and vitamins and skin routine and all of that, my diet is better, I'm starting to perk back up after a slight crash, I think all the sudden scans and procedures after my first mammogram kind of messed me up. I'll be okay.

Looking forward to checking out a new venue with Josh this evening, need to hop in the shower and get ready. My DJ is playing! I'm excited to try out a new place. I skipped Thriller for the first time in like, 15 years today. I just didn't want to be a zombie and go dance in the rain (it's covered, but still, it's outside and one gets muddy getting in and out of the park). I didn't want to dress up, and it still hurts to raise my left arm. Alas. Hopefully I can go back next year. I just... didn't want to? And it seems like they had good attendance and support, this year, without me, which I am glad for. It was a labor of love and maybe I just fell a little bit out of love with it.

Speaking of falling out of love, I should probably tell Finley that I'm leaving.

I haven't gotten my halloween decorations out yet and I'm actually okay with it. There are extenuating circumstances this year, it's okay. I might still grab a few things tomorrow, we'll see how much energy I have. If not, that's fine. I've been wearing all of my halloween clothes and halloween is always alive in my heart, that counts for a lot.

...

Avalanche is doing well, she's a happy kitty. I brushed her for a bit while trying to write this. She's passed out with her favorite toys on the bed, now.

Before Josh got home, I finished off a bin of peanut butter I was saving for when he was gone. I had it with cinnamon and apple slices and it was the most delicious dinner imaginable. I love apples and peanut butter so much.

Excited for sweater weather, soup, and more pies.

It is the most spectacularly beautiful October day in all of existence. I had a beautiful bike ride with Cynthia this morning, after using my jumper cables and car battery to jump start a homeless guy's car who was parked where the city wanted to do some tree-trimming. He was super nice, I am sad for his circumstances.

I have to go get a biopsy of my left breast today and I am angry and scared. I don't think there is anything to worry about, it is just because I have "extremely dense breasts" and didn't have a baseline for my first scan because I have always found mammography to be barbaric - I read a history of its development when I was younger and it is sexist as fuck. I am quite certain that this is not how they scan for testicular cancer - so I waited until age 50 to do it. This is my punishment. I am still in pain from the additional scans I had to do yesterday, I am considering taking some ancient hoarded vicodin before I leave, though I probably shouldn't be driving on that stuff. Even if it's ten years old and has lost most of its potency.

Sigh.

I had a biopsy on my cervix that was painful and barbaric and ended up being absolutely unnecessary and a couple years later the news hit that having women do that particular kind of screening was a scam from the health care industry to make more money by creating false fear and recommending unnecessary painful invasive procedures for women. I was in pain and bleeding for weeks. For nothing. And here we are again.

But later tonight I will take my husband on a double date with some very kind friends and I will gaze at Robot Jared Leto for ~2 hrs while listening to NIN. Possibly while on drugs.

I hit a wall on my list of things to do today while driving around like a madwoman trying to get it all done and realizing I was dangerously overdue for an oil change. I got that done but it was SLOW and I was just done after that.

Lots of documents to go through for the house but we're chipping away at it, look at us, being adults together.

I think because of the house buying process, because of my mammogram tomorrow and my friend's breast cancer not responding to chemo, remembering my mom's house getting foreclosed on, watching her lose everything and become a ward of the state with alcohol-induced dementia, and then having to escort her through endometrial cancer radiation and surgeries, the childlike nostalgia I have over the changing weather and Halloween, I just hit a tsunami of unbearable grief, in the midst of all the errands, today.

( dreams )

...

Missing my mom suddenly and devastatingly, today.
I miss my dad, too. He died 25 years ago.
I miss what it felt like to have grandparents, as a small child (my dad's parents were no longer living when I was born, but my mom's were around when I was little.)
Wishing for a relative to laugh/cry over the osteo-arthritis in my hands commonly termed "Mommy Thumbs," while never having had the chance to be a mommy.
There are many blessings in my life. But also many gaping black holes of loss that I sometimes stumble into, unaware, unexpectedly, and then I'm lost in the dark for a few moments/hours/days.

I think I have a ghost child who has unintentionally injured my hands with her invisible yet chronic neediness. Maybe she made friends with Lunar, who has haunted our apartment since his death. I don't believe in ghosts, not even cat ghosts, but that doesn't change the fact that Lunar is haunting this apartment.

just wanted to relay the most fascinating moment experienced with Joshter recently, I meant to mention it in therapy but maybe I'll just reflect on it here - I need to make this quick because I need to pick up prescriptions and come home and bake a pie, but first I just don't want to forget....

We had been talking about really deep stuff, we've been doing this more lately, he's gotten more tolerant of it and I'm so grateful, and were exploring the topic of selfhood, and somehow swerved into this idea I've been playing with that nothing I do is ever really in my control, that selfhood/ego is a useful illusion but that everything is predestined by our genetics and we aren't really at any sort of steering wheel - that is just a useful concept to keep us feeling engaged in a chaotic world where all control is an illusion. It would be really hard to relate to others and navigate without this pretend sense of self, and that itself is also predetermined genetically.

I related to him this experience of seeing my dog's puppies come out with fully in tact, distinct personalities from day 1 of their little lives that never changed at all, no matter what they experienced. And I reminded Josh about that experience he had of reading a book written by a cousin of his who he had never known, and seeing the extreme parallels of their two lives, to the point that Josh suddenly felt like he wasn't his own person at all, that he was just a carbon copy of this cousin.

"Isn't it the most wonderful feeling?" I was expressing to him happily.

"It was HORRIBLE!" he exclaimed in abject revulsion.

It took a while for me to tease out why it felt so bad to him to feel this sensation, when it felt good to me.

But it's because - Josh's life has been great! Barely anything bad has ever happened to him. And this unwell society we live in teaches us that if we have good lives, it's because we're good people who did good things and worked hard and deserved it, and people who have difficult lives are bad people who did bad things and deserve it.

But that's completely untrue. Some of us (hi! I'm some of us) have a terrible hand of cards dealt to us through absolutely no fault of our own, and have a shitton of miserable experiences that have nothing to do with our moral capacity or self-discipline or ability to work hard or make good choices or do right things, and none of it has anything to do with deserving anything.

I'm not saying we have zero responsibility - we absolutely do have full responsibility over our lives and we have to recognize and claim that, no matter what. Who else will? This is our life, we didn't ask for it, but we have to work with what we are given as best we can. There is no other way to exist.

But we also need to understand the privilege and circumstances that brought us to good things and bad things, bad choices and good choices, the ability to see clearly enough to make needed changes, and to give others grace (while not forgiving or allowing harmful behavior) who have failed in whatever way, for not having the best chances for success.

Anyway, just something I wanted to make a note of. It was just such a funny contrast. And a fun thing to explore and share together.

In a lot of physical pain today, I guess I messed up my back doing silks yesterday. Maybe doing silks while crying is not ideal.

The tears were mostly from the stress of the home buying process. It's gutting in its terror, for me, but Josh wants this so badly and I have let him down enough times. He has done so, so much for me, I need to put some faith in him that we can do this. I would rather not. My childhood home was foreclosed on. Watching the bank take back your parents' house is an awful experience, there are no words for the way it disrupts, permanently, any psychological notions (however false) of safely, stability, a place to call home, any sort of safety net. (My grandparents died when I was young or before I was born, sick and in pain, we have no other connected relatives, there has never been anything left to fall back on.) I don't want to experience anything like that ever again.

So, I cried a lot, yesterday, signing away my life savings for an unknown risk.

I was not happy with my realtor, and then embarrassed at my own behavior (I picked him out, after all), and he called me specifically to try to help calm me down a little bit, and offered gently that he could understand, because his parents also had their house foreclosed on, so, he could see why I would feel fearful and overwhelmed. It was kind of him to listen and have some real patience with my over-emotional over-sharing. It was nice not to feel judged or dismissed for being silly or overdramatic, as is usually the way when I try to make adult/major financial decisions and get overwhelmed and paralyzed.

It's an odd sensation, to take on a massive, incomprehensible debt, and pour ones life's savings (however meager mine happens to be) but a debt that at least you can live inside? How bizarre.

Anyway it's not set in stone until closing so we'll see how it goes.

I wanted to get SO MUCH done today, but I still haven't even managed to get my appointment schedule out to open appts for the month, and here it is 3pm, the sun is out after hours of rain, most of the day is already gone and I feel like I've done nothing. But I've been busy and nauseated all day working. I wish I had more to show for it. I'll get there.

Hot flashes get more bearable when the weather cools, lol.

I need a shower desperately.

Need to box up an order and ship it, visit the neighbor's plants one last time, send out checks and pay rent and pick up prescriptions and I reeeeeeeeeally wanted to get housework done today, sigh. My back says otherwise.

Still absolutely loving the little Finch self care app, but one downside is that I have not been journaling much at all.

It got me off my social media and youtube addiction, but it has also taken my attention away from here, and I don't love that. I will figure out a way to come back. I think maybe eventually the novelty will wear off and it won't captivate me quite so much. One issue is that it asks for "reflections" and other journal-like prompts, but they are only a couple of sentences and not stored anywhere, so it really just evaporates into space and I can't learn from myself that way, the way I can here. Here I can see my thoughts and review them and look at them from a distance and it helps *so much* in processing the often unhealthy ways I view and internally express what I am feeling or struggling with. I need to get back here.

That said, I put on my app a goal of at least doing a 3 thing per day gratitude practice, here, so I will try that, starting tonight (separate entries for daily gratitude list).

...

Today I was able to do some chores in the morning, hash out some issues with Josh surrounding the house that it looks as if we may purchase together (EEP), and took a nice long hard bike ride in the last of the sunny beautiful early fall days before the rain starts in earnest, tomorrow. I will hopefully pivot to housework and baking, lol.

During the bike ride I picked up a glass vase out of a free pile, while starting the (audio) book All The Way To The River by Elizabeth Gilbert. Though I've watched a few of her TED talks, I haven't read any of her books since Eat Pray Love, but despite the fact that her concept of "souls" and "god" does not resonate with me at all and seems childish and cliche and shallow, she is charming and disarmingly honest, her love is real, she is as true to herself as she knows how to be, and that's all that really matters.

I am noticing a theme of following along with people my age, and what happens when we hit our 50s. I actually loved that Jennifer Grey wrote her memoir in her early 60s, and I want to keep an eye out for more books from women of that age, as I resonate with them more than women my own age, who seem to be lagging behind a little, mostly because most of them still have parents, haven't even been without their grandparents for very long, and haven't lost several close friends to cancer, as I have. I feel closer in spirit to 70 year olds than 50 year olds. This is not an exaggeration. I know several 70 year olds and they are just further along in life, in so many ways, that I was forced to be, way too young. Not in every way. Of course there is tons I still have to learn, I am not 70. I am not confident I will reach that age.

Anyway.

After the vase pickup I went to the farmers market for the last ten minutes, was able to get delicious brewed coffee and picked up some veggies and an inexpensive bundle of sunflowers that fit perfectly in the vase I found. Josh met me at a nearby coffee shop and we discussed/resolved more house stuff and I'm terrified but feeling a bit better about it. I still need to finish the home buyers education modules I downloaded, I am going to try to work on those in the morning. I am too tired, tonight. It's stressful but important. I want to understand the closing process better before I actually move forward.

Got a big hug from Ian at the market. I should have messaged Karissa. I will reach out tomorrow.

I didn't journal about Jasmine thinking she lost our mutual friend's cat, and then the cat turning back up magically (I suspect she may have never left and was just hiding).

I have not journaled about the festival, or the vampire ball, or the second trip to Timberline, yet. I want to write about these things, I do. But right now, I want to read my friends page and listen to my new weird quirky river book.

Going to sip this sweet gentle cup of chamomile tea and turn in early, I think. Been really enjoying the red light mask Tyler gave me. I need more mushroom hunting with that guy.

..

trimmed Avalanche's claws while she was sleeping. It's the best time to do it, sometimes she barely wakes up to protest. I had to treat her for fleas last week, after several days of suspecting I might need to - but I brushed her with a flea comb every day and never found any signs, until one day I saw flea dirt on her chin (I think the flea was also there but by the time I grabbed her to look it ran off and only the dirt was left, but it was unmistakable. But after I treated her, I checked and checked and checked multiple times a day for dead fleas or more dirt and found not a single molecule of evidence of anything. So maybe I really did catch it before they had a chance to reproduce, and there was really only one? Fortunately she tolerated the medication (pesticide) just fine and now I know she's good for a while.

...

I cried and cried and cried over my mom this morning. This happens a lot. Most days lately I don't cry as much, but today it was half an hour of soft sobbing. I don't know what to do, this sadness haunts me constantly. I need to find a healthier way to process it. Maybe I can do some research on how to process unresolved grief. I am so sad about how she died, it was a traumatic process to witness at such close proximity, for so many slow, long, painful years. I am so sad about how I treated her when I was younger, how she treated me, how it was never really anyone's fault, how I know she was doing the best she could with the tools she was given, and so was I. But it wasn't good. Except for the parts that were wonderful. It's just all so heartbreaking and gutwrenching. I get overwhelmed and paralyzed by all of it, regularly. My dad's death is even sadder in many ways, and my grandparents both also died so painfully and miserably, long before dad died, which was 25 years ago now, it's all just too awful to bear. They were all so wonderful in their ways. They seemed powerful and magical to me as a small child. (Well, I never met my dad's parents, but I remember my mom's.) They seemed like everything. To have seen all of them reduced to ash and forgotten is just... untenably sad.

...

I showed Josh the 90s movie The Birdcage last night. He asked me why Robin Williams was depressed. He looked so worried. He's seen me so sad for so long, it scares him sometimes. I don't have any way to reassure him, because it feels scary to me too, how sad I get. I do think the app is helping. I think if I can get through menopause, and get more stable, after that I will be in better shape, emotionally. We'll see I guess.

have not been journaling. there has been so much going on. Josh and I had an absolutely spectacular time for our little 1 night 20hr vacation on the mountain at timberline lodge, swimming in a mountain pool all by ourselves, soaking in the hot tub, exploring the PCT and hiking up to Silcox Hut (not quite a mile up from Timberline). such a lovely little respite, and so needed. Josh kept saying he felt like he was on vacation. It was perfect.

I re-watched Dirty Dancing Wednesday night. Why have I been sleeping on this? This is the best movie ever. It was funny, I had mentioned in small talk with a customer that I wanted to re-watch it, and she commented that "it didn't age well." I am not going to argue with a paying customer, but I have to assume she didn't understand that it was set in the 60s? Even though it was shot in the 80s. If anything, this movie is even *more* timely than it was 40 years ago, because in the 80s, abortions were still legal, and now, as in 1968, they are not so easy to access and it's getting harder by the day. Women are dying, like they were then, because of this.

Also the dancing is just so good and Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze are so young and sweet and it's just so fun and the music is wonderful and I love the feel of an 80s movie, it's definitely a comfort place for me, I remember when we had no cell phones or internet, it was such a different world.

I had a hard, hard emotional crash yesterday, waves of grief that felt like drowning. I somehow got through my work day but could not function after. I've spent most of today in unbearable anxiety and struggling with a tummy ache and feeling generally in pain and terrible. I wanted to do some exercise and some crafting and get ready for the festival tomorrow and I've done nothing. I feel so terrible in my body that I just really don't want to get into costume, I don't know how to feel like myself in my faery attire anymore, I'm in so much pain all of the time and my body does not look like I want it to, dealing with aging is just so so hard, at this stage. Such a difficult place. It was like I fell off a cliff and landed all wrong and am still trying to heal all the wounds from the crash and figure out how to adjust to living at this new lower level of functioning and I'm still not fully accepting what my life has to look like, now. Being 50 and riddled with early-onset arthritis after being a high level multi-sport athlete, figure skater, and dancer, is sooooooooooo confusing. There is no consistent messaging for someone like me, I have to just make it up as i go along. I feel unseen and misunderstood and overlooked and forgotten and alone, most of the time. It doesn't feel pretty and I don't want to get dressed up and I don't want attention and I don't want to try to look pretty, it just feels impossible. but I still want to go. Not sure what to do. I need new costumes, a new more subdued, comfortable appearance. But for now, I will just have to use what I have and try to make it work, try to make it as comfortable as I can. We'll see how it goes. I may only go for a short while tomorrow and skip the nighttime stuff. I might go in the rain on Sunday, as the quieter soggier vibe appeals to me. I just want to see people being creative and fun-loving, and I want to get away from reality for a bit.

I'm sad I didn't get to my puppet that I wanted to make, sad I can't prioritize myself enough to set aside enough time for crafts. This needs to change.

Did you know this weekend is the Mothman festival in Point Pleasant, West Virginia? I want to go, one day. I just recently a few months ago read up on what Mothman is, after years of swooning over the images/concept of this cryptid, and I am just smitten.

...

I picked up the audiobook of Jennifer Grey's memoir, "Out of the Corner," and it is gripping. I love it. Her life is so vastly different from mine, it's so alien I can't relate and can't even be jealous, it would be like being jealous of a squid or something, I just have no reference point for what it would be like to grow up with love and support and a good education and an astonishing amount of privilege. It's like reading fiction. I was so neglected and isolated and my development was so truncated, I will never really feel like a whole complete developed person. She already was one when she was ten years old.

...

I am really enjoying my Finch app, it is keeping me off of the internet which was the main thing I was hoping it would help me with. I still check in but I don't mindlessly scroll compulsively for hours. I am so grateful. There is so much else it is helping me with, too. I brush my teeth every night, I even floss, I trim my nails and wash my face, I take my vitamins, I check my calendar in the morning, I made a to-do list and check things off as I complete them, I do breathing and grounding exercises when I start to feel horrible, it's just ridiculously helpful for someone with clinical major depressive disorder and "trauma brain," I can't even express how grateful I am for this little thing. It only helps a tiny bit with housework, I still am not decluttering and fall behind on cleaning and laundry, I still struggle with avoiding difficult parts of my work though the scheduling/messaging is getting better, it doesn't help much with exercise BUT it did finally get me on a consistent morning physical therapy routine which is HUGE, so helpful in reducing my foot pain symptoms. And it gets me outside for my evening walk, something I used to do consistently but had let go in the last year or so. So grateful. I am not happier, but I am more okay with not being okay, if that makes sense.

one day I will share vampire ball photos.

I missed the Shadowplay anniversary party and it sounded like a blast, I'm sorry I wasn't there for the fun, but I really needed to isolate and self-soothe some really heavy grief that was too much for me to carry. I toasted myself some tortilla chips with grated cheese sprinkled on them and diced up cherry tomatoes and tossed them on top after pulling them from the toaster oven, this was an ideal dinner for how I was feeling last night and I have no regrets. My body looks like someone who comfort eats but that's just where we are at right now, until I find better ways to manage my pain, since i don't take any drugs or drink, food is okay to indulge in, now and then.

I can still do a pull-up, at least on my good days. That counts for something.

This interview is absolutely delightful! I did not know Harrison Ford was so warm and wise and wonderful. (I don't follow pop culture very closely, though I do remember him rescuing lost hikers with his personal plane in Wyoming, many years ago.)

Josh's cold he brought back from his work trip finally did me in. This is typically the pattern. He comes home sick from travel, I appear to be in the clear for a week, and just as he recovers, I succumb.

It's miserable, this is the sickest I've been in a while. The sinus headache is the worst, I'm just so congested. Had to cancel work and social plans, but I'm happy to rest. I just wish I felt a little less horrible. The pain was bad enough that I took two ibuprofen last night, something I do less than once a year on average, I would say.

Barely slept last night, my nose completely plugs if I lie down so I have to prop up my head.

I dreamt of saltines, that's how much I love them. I found a brand a few months ago that is made with organic olive oil, rosemary, and sesame seeds, and they come in little eight-cracker packets, and I consume one daily. It is such a lovely little airy salty crispy comforting treat. It is childhood comfort food and I love it so.

Josh and I put in another offer on another house. We'll see if this one lands, it's a solid offer, we are pretty serious about this one. It is on an ugly street in a so-so neighborhood, but it is near enough things we like (1/2 - 1.5 miles from several parks, stores, cafes, and his parents) to make it okay. While the street is not attractive, the house most definitely is. We drove by it a month ago and decided not to schedule a tour because of the unattractive street, but I talked Josh into trying again and when we got inside... the two storey vaulted ceiling in the livingroom has a glorious support beam running the length of the room, perfect for rigging silks. !!! I had completely given up on the idea of finding anything I could rig silks in, and my eyes misted over with hope, which I had to hide from the seller's agent who was hosting the open house. There is a cat door and a fully fenced back yard for Avalanche, with easy to maintain landscaping, small but not too small. It is a newer house (2000) so no lead paint. It has an office for Josh with a not-terrible westerly view of some beautiful trees. I have not felt this hopeful during this process yet. There have been zero offers and we sent in a very, very strong one, it will land. We just have to see how the aging roof and such comes out in inspection. It needs new windows and the fence is in need of repair, it might need a/c next summer, things could get expensive quickly, but hopefully we could space out the upgrades. I am terrified of the risk but hopeful for the potential rewards. I never thought I would own a house. Being able to rig silks is a game changer. Josh would enjoy that as well. This might work. It is near a popular mall where I could potentially partner with a shop to sparkle in, which would help me capture customers on that side of town. There is so much potential. There is no street parking but we could move our cars around the corner and have guests park in the driveway of the two-car garage, it is workable. It has rhododendrons and japanese maples, very little grass (we both dislike lawns), a cute little netted covered shelter in the back (a creek nearby probably fosters mosquitoes) and simple decking, it is so sweet. Terrified but also crossing my fingers. We are lucky to hit sort of a sweet spot in the market where interest rates have fallen, but only just this weekend, so the price of houses have not risen in response, yet. So it's a lower monthly payment than paying the same amount for a house a month ago. Or even a week ago.

The forms for these are always stressful but I got through them okay, this morning, despite the headcold.

My reward is this little second cup of coffee with a hint of chocolate sauce and I will settle in with a youtube video of fall decorations from one of my very favorite channels, Renee's cozy cottage.

Avalanche knows I'm sick - she curled up on my lap this morning instead of insisting on her usual morning playtime, she knows.

...

Josh and I had a lot of fun at the Vampire Ball Saturday. We were both tired (I didn't realize I was succumbing to his cold and thought it was just my period making me feel bad) so left just after midnight, usually I dance dance dance the night away until 2am there. Finley made an appearance and was very kind to me and sent me some sweet messages after.

I should post pictures but my face hurts, uuughhhh lol.

Avalanche just came back to my lap purring up a storm, awwww.

I found frozen bone broth in the fridge I made months ago and thawed it last night and had it for breakfast this morning, it was soooooooooo soothing, thanks past me for taking the time to simmer bones for 24 hrs so I could have some healthy nourishment in my time of illness.

Thanks mom for teaching me how to make bone broth.

My mother was magical and powerful and magnificent in so many ways. Her mental illness and addition got the better of her, often, but deep down she was good and she gave me such wonderful gifts and I am forever grateful. Nobody is perfect and while some of her cruelty was unforgivable, I miss her painfully every day and am forever grateful for her goodness, and how hard she worked to provide a good life for me, she absolutely did the best she could and despite all the pain I love love love her forever, for that. I still feel like a broken off shard of her, she was bigger and greater and smarter and just more of a person than I am in so many ways. My depression and hyper-sensitivity have severely limited what I could do with what I've been given, and that is all okay. I am at peace with it. At least in this moment. My body is falling apart and hurting and failing in so many ways, but I've grateful for everything it's done to get me where I am. I am filled with gratitude, today, despite not being able to breathe through my nose, lol. My husband is being a jewel. My cat is being an angel. I am so, so lucky.

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Maru died, on Sept 6. He was old, well into his 18th year. So I've been preparing for this for a while. He got lung cancer. He was such a magical cute adorable funny delightful charming singularly unique cat. I want to do a tribute with Avalanche in a box for him, I will see if I can get her to do something cute in Maru-style later today. I kind of want to send flowers or something to his owner, but they are in Japan. I am just so grateful for his adorableness and to them for sharing his antics with us for all these years. What a gift. What a funny life this is.

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Still really enjoying the Finch app. Might be getting a little obsessive. But I don't think it's all bad. Josh asked why I was keeping up with the dishes? I explained that the app is helpful for chores. "You gameified it!" Yep pretty much :) Still perfectly happy with the free version, still learning all the little quirks of it. For example, I gave a few gifts today, just sort of for fun and as an experiment, and did not realize that once it's gifted, it will pop back up for purchase (not money, you get little stones for accomplishing tasks that can be spent on outfits or home decor for your support birb) again, so I don't have to go without myself if it's also something I want to own. I missed my chance on an item I liked, but I am trying to be at peace with not obsessing over collecting items. It's more about the micro-habits and gentle support through difficult tasks, like signing house offer forms :) Which I have another set to do still! But not until after I watch Renee's fall decoration video. :)

I love this lady this is my new favorite lady.