serafaery

Meant to post this a while ago.

I get to go back to this lookout on Tuesday, through Friday. My body feels like it might be able to do more silks while I'm there.

Fika is our favorite coffee shop in Sisters, a small town in central Oregon, just found out last visit that the owner is from Portland, which makes sense.

These towers are highly competitive to rent and I feel very lucky over the years to be able to snag reservations, they open 6 months in advance at 7am and hundreds of people are all trying to book at once.

I had a strategy that has worked well for me since 2020 (that year, they canceled all of my reservations for covid except a single night, on my birthday. which is today btw). I've had it for my birthday the last three years, and this visit is just a couple days after, so it feels like it counts.

BUT. So far I have not been able to get a single reservation since. No strategies seem to be working. Certain timing strategies seem to fail. Less popular weekday openings are just as impossible as weekends, now. I couldn't get any for June and then also zero for the fall, despite many many many sleepless early morning attempts. I don't have a single reservation for any tower for the rest of the year, which is highly unusual. So, part of me fears that this might be my final visit, here. I'm not sure if it's just gotten too popular or if some sort of system has been put in place that somehow blocks me out? The reservation software is always changing. I can only sort of hope that maybe it updates again and I'm able to figure out how to keep renting. It would be very very sad to lose this part of my life.





































During this trip, Tyler and I relaxed a lot, I brought tons of food so we were well fed. We walked the Green Ridge trail, Tyler studied and I read and doodled in the tower. One night, I was lying in bed unable to sleep, and saw a huuuuge fiery meteor, commonly called a "fireball," clearly visible and super bright even though I wasn't wearing my glasses.

The sky out there is so spectacularly beautiful. And the mountains. And the forest. Lots of birds and butterflies, lizards and squirrels. A couple of ticks but not the dangerous kind, thankfully. I found a single fairy slipper orchid along the Metolius river, and Tyler found the prized King Bolete mushrooms, which I'm still enjoying the fruits of.

The boys are joining me for just one night at the tower, and then have to head home for work and school. I will stay and hopefully get some regenerative recovery time.

Spent hours this morning working on a playlist for the upcoming drive to the fire tower lookout. This will be put to use all spring/summer, it's hard work but nourishing. I'm just on the first draft, but, found a really nice reward here, while digging around for new songs - this one is like a little warm latte on a wooden deck under shade, or a cat curled in a lap, or dappled sunlight through green leaves and crisp mountain air.



We were drivin in the country woods and we didn't know why we were there.
Well maybe we were runnin from the big city or maybe we were runnin to the mountain air.
And then we came upon a cabin of a diner and oh, how they did stare.
I said "Hey...
what's the quickest way to your Motel 6, out in these sticks?"
Said "Hey...
we're feelin kinda weary, we been drivin all day and we need a place to stay."


And they said "Baby there aint no shortcuts on your way.
Baby there aint no highways in these parts.
You know baby gonna have to drive yourself down every little windy road,
If you really wanna get to where you're goin."

Well I was sittin on the therapist couch and I didn't know why I was there.
Well maybe I was runnin from the big issues or maybe I was runnin to a listenin ear.
And then I came upon a maze of emotion and oh, how I did fear.
I said, "Hey...
what's the quickest way out of this mess to that happiness?"
Said "Hey...
I'm feelin kinda weary, I been cryin all day and I need a little break."

And they said "Baby there aint no shortcuts on your way.
Baby there aint no highways in these parts.
You know baby gonna have to drive yourself down every little windy road,
If you really wanna get to where you're goin."

Well I was sittin in the meditation hall and I didn't know why I was there.
Well maybe I was runnin from the noise outside or maybe I was runnin to the stillness there.
And then I came upon greed, hatred and delusion and oh, how I did fear.
I said "Hey...
what's the quickest way to freedom and love, how do I rise above?"
Said "Hey...
I'm feelin kinda weary I've been sittin all day with my mind in disarray."

And they said "Baby there aint no shortcuts on your way.
Baby there aint no highways in these parts.
You know baby gonna have to drive yourself down every little windy road,
If you really wanna get to where you're goin."

Feeling a bit blah. It's such a gorgeous day and I am planning to go hike Dog and I'm so excited to go, but I'm also sad Tyler is not around to join me and it will be warm so I'm a little nervous about overheating. But I can just go slow, and bring water. I got a new water bottle as my old one wandered away last summer at some point.

Yesterday silks was really fun. There was all kinds of craziness - ladder balancing, tall unicycles, short unicycles, juggling, Dutch and Angela doing their crazy perch and spin tricks, adding new stuff, they are famous now for their very unique and insane skill set. Circus is cray. It was so fun. Raven and I were just kind of in awe and very distracted while working on our aerial a little bit, which seemed embarrassingly tame in comparison, but, nice circus ambiance I suppose lol.

Yesterday's counseling was sort of sad. My therapist is very tuned into emotional expression, moreso than words, and he noted that despite all of my hopeful descriptions of what's going on in my life (I was really excited about my fairy hair class going so well and that I've got more teaching lined up and am feeling very reassured about this new stream of income and also it's Beltane season and the weather is beautiful and we've been outdoors so much which is so enjoyable), he noted that my expression was a bit flat. He can tell I am still depressed. I am still not eating great, I am sleeping extra and eating extra, I am not grooming or taking my supplements, I am not feeling at all sexy. He's right, yes.

It's just so hard to function well when everything hurts. My new fun symptom is crepitus in my neck that is so loud it startles me, 3-4 times a day, if I happen to turn my head just wrong to like say, look at my cat. :(

I am still working through "the depression book" and it's still comforting but not really helpful. He has a whole chapter about meaningfulness in human life and it just fell flat for me. He's exactly like me, I should be thrilled. He uses magic to make his own meaning and place in the world. Some people use other things. Religion or some amorphous other "purpose" - we use magic. As legit as anything else, when it comes to human experience. But it does nothing to ease my sense that there's not actually really any point to anything, other than what we decide is the point. Which rings hollow. I don't want imposed outside meaning, but I want something greater than myself, and magic is such a personal, internal experience. I mean, yes of course we can share it and that's what we do, it's inspiring and fun, I know for a fact, I have been told explicitly and I know there are many many more people who have never told me that my influence has transformed their lives (I'm referencing all the people who sparkle for a living or at least part-time to boost their income and enjoyment and quality of life and tell me so, who have learned from me and/or been inspired by me), that counts. But it still doesn't feel like enough to get me through the day? Maybe that's just the depression talking. Josh and Avalanche get me through the day. Tyler and Cynthia get me through the day. Wildflowers and mushrooms get me through the day. Oceans and mountains get me through the day. Coffee and biscuits get me through the day. Sparkles are work. Joyous, delightful work, but still work. I do that to facilitate communion with wildflowers and mushrooms.

...

Need to box up and order. I was going to do calendaring this morning but it makes me feel nauseated to even think about. Maybe just one quick check and then I'll pivot to making Josh the pizza I promised him and packing up the order and packing up for the hike.

I also need to do inventory, that's actually more urgent. I should do that and save the calendaring for tomorrow, maybe.

Tonight is Hexxennaucht, tomorrow is Beltane, Josh is flying away and I will have the weekend to tend to myself and clean the apartment, it'll be nice. I have no work booked but that is okay. Tyler and I are leaving for Green Ridge on Monday and I'm stoked. Can't wait can't wait. I get to go again later in May for my birthday. So excited.

I did wash my face and brush my teeth last night. That is something. I'd love to make myself shower this morning or tonight if I can.

The depression book has this moment where the author talks about seeing a bluebird for the first time. The way he describes it is so sweet. I also felt astonished the first time I saw one. The shade of blue they are doesn't look real. It's so shockingly beautiful on such a diminutive scale, it's hard to describe. I like his reaction:

...the bird that as Naturalist and writer John Burrows put it, "carries the sky on its back and the earth on its breast," had always been a ghost in the past. Another story of my mom's childhood, as magical and absent as the grandmother I would never meet.

( Some intro text )

There, perched on a spindly tulip poplar sapling, was an eastern bluebird.

It was ridiculous.

It was like an escapee from a Disney movie.

A fairy, glimmering in broad daylight.

It was just a bird, sitting there, looking like it was right where it was supposed to be.

It was right where it was supposed to be.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and took dozens of terrible photos, trying to document the event like a Bigfoot sighting. Like a two-headed buck had emerged from the woods muttering prophesy.

The bluebird twittered and flew to some honeysuckle, joining three more of its kind. I stared. Was this important news? A discovery? I wanted to call my mother.

-Jarod Anderson, Something In The Woods Loves You.

(He goes on to describe learning that eastern bluebirds were relatively commonplace in this area, feeling a wave of guilt and stupidity and self-rebuke for thinking they were rare, and then digging further and discovering that 10-20 years ago, they were extremely rare, but that a big push of grassroots conservation efforts had greatly restored their numbers.)

got a kitty on my lap, need to get up and cook for Josh and go to werk oops. But she's so cuuuuuuuuute.

Still very anxious and depressed, but I ate a little better yesterday (still including half a bag of crackers but also lots of veggies and fruits) and I feel good at the moment. I think the hiking helped even though it didn't feel great in the moment. It's peak wildflower season in that area and the trail was packed, and people were rude. Need to sweep and shower and get moving. My work got all booked up thankfully, so now I have a very full busy day ahead of me. But I have tomorrow off! So it's all good. As long as I can pace myself I might even make it out dancing tonight. My feet feel pretty good considering. I am excited about this.

Wildflowers help. The Columbia Gorge has a singular kind of magic.

Been in so much pain. Skipped silks today. My hands hurt so much. My hip is also flaring up, and the spot in my back that has hurt on and off ever since that lead climbing class two years ago. Sigh.

I wanted to make hot cross buns for easter but that requires kneading and I can barely do dishes right now, so I just made soda bread biscuits again. It's a st. patrick's day food but whatever they're wonderful and so easy, much gentler on my hands. These have copious amounts of orange zest and currants. they feel healing to me, I've had two. I used half whole wheat pastry flour and half cassava flour, which is sort of similar to potato or rice flour. I'm out of buttermilk now so will have to remedy that.

The sun came out, it's waaaaaaay warmer and brighter than was forecasted, so grateful. Josh and I sat in the sun and had matcha together after a gentle bike ride to the farmers market to stock up on organic local ranch meats and local fish, some veggies, hand made bread and crackers, and some coffee.

My fitness tracker is warning me that something is wrong with me, my HRV, a stress indicator, is super low - I've never seen it this low except when I was seriously ill with a fever. This paired with the pain flare has me a little worried, just trying to listen to my body and take it easy. the biscuits feel nourishing and comforting. whether they actually are or not hardly matters.

I want to doodle, I also want to nap, so stressed about work, it's really hard to relax. I feel like I should be doing product photos and working on setting up new software for classes and booking, but I think I need to just chill, today. Tomorrow is a big day and I'm a bit stressed. I might end up skipping easter if I'm still not feeling well when I wake up tomorrow.

Regardless, I am so grateful for the sunshine and for the ability, at least for now, to just rest.

Bittersweet to have finished the cryptonaturalist podcast, started a new cute little book called Fairy Lore, that is just oddly comforting, I don't know.

See this is why I wait until the next day to fix things. I did some more digging into my website issue and while it is still thoroughly broken and I will have to call them as the site does not allow me in to fix it, it is only one item that is effected, currently, not the dire situation I was catastrophizing last night. It does still bother me that this keeps happening and I may still work on building a new online store today.

The sun is out and my cat got a good play session this morning. I had my first sex dream in forEVER last night, that's hopeful, lol.

Lots to try to get done today, the sun is making it blatantly obvious that I have gone too long without sweeping, and I need to make lunch for Josh, and box up some orders. Everything else is fine though, things will come together, it's okay. I might ride my bike to my studio, to take advantage of the sunshine :)

The eaglets are okay, it is still cold and rainy but if little Gizmo can make it one more day, they'll be fine. They've been really lucky with the weather so far. Odds are not on their side but I am still hopeful, it seems like things have gone exceptionally well, and now that Jackie and Shadow are more seasoned parents, I think the chances might be better for success. I watched Jackie carefully aerate the nest over the last few days, and add fluff to help with insulation for warmth. She knew the weather would turn. She's a good mom :)

Edited to add: omg I just went and checked on the eagles and it looks like little Sunny, the bigger of the two chicks who has more mature waterproof feathers, is spreading their wings over little Gizmo in the rain?!?!?!? almost like, I remember what happened to my sibling Misty in a storm and I'm not gunna let that happen to you. omg my heart. Jackie has not left their sides.

Avalanche was vaguely perplexed as to my fascination with her crossed toes, this morning.

Orders done! Having some snackies.

I do want to brag a little bit that my efforts to cheer up Josh with our weekly terrible karaoke night together in the livingroom has been working splendidly. I find music that he loves or finds amusing, neither of us can sing for shit bit we enjoy it so much anyway. I think there is something healing about singing, no matter how poorly it is done.

He was complaining during our coffee shop/errands run yesterday that tomorrow as going to be a stock market free fall, and I started singing Free Fallin' and found out that, unbeknownst to me, Josh is a huge Tom Petty fan. So I played a bunch in the car and he got sooooooo happy. He picked out some songs for himself for karaoke last night while I paid sparkle studio rent and we went to the kitchen store to select the new crockpot and browse their utility knives.

Anyway. I dressed up in my brightest red skimpy hooded pixie dress that he loves with my hot pink butterfly sunglasses and he was all surprised that I dressed up for the party. We sang and sang. I sang two songs by the Cramps (can you really call Human Fly karaoke singing? Who cares! lol) and he actually sounds like Tom Petty when he sings Tom Petty! He loves "Won't Back Down" and "Learning to Fly," it's so sweet. I had to sing Float On by Modest Mouse because that is the quintessential Hard Times song of my generation. I also tried to sing Belinda Carlisle which was a mistake, I could not hit those notes, but who cares! We had so much fun and it's so priceless to see Josh smiling and laughing. He is still today talking about how much fun that was and planning other songs to sing next time.

They say in heaven love comes first. We'll make heaven a place on earth. Oooooh heaven is a place on earth.

If we're going to go down in flames, might as well have fun with it.

Listening to some koshi water bell chimes, trying to soothe my anxious mood.

In some pain. Josh and I rode to the post office, bike shop, coffee shop, and park today, since silks was canceled. Not doing aerial today has me all out of sorts. I'm in pain and binging on junk food like whoah.

The eagles are still doing well. I check up on them but no longer leave them on the background for hours like I was (it is a 24/7 livestream of the nest). We are heading into the most dangerous time for the chicks and they most likely won't make it, even though everything looks good right now - this pair has only had three chicks fledge in ten years, and two of them were found perished within the first year (I thought I saw that "Spirit" also perished but apparently her whereabouts are unknown/undetermined and she could have dispersed) - so I don't want to get too attached. But I wanted to comment, in case I forgot, that after one of the chicks died in the storm, I noticed that one of the surviving chicks had similar behavior to the third hatchling. Turns out the volunteer biologists somehow determined that the chick that died was the first hatchling, so, I was right - the remaining chicks are the second and third hatchlings. They have yet to be named but currently are labeled "big chick" and "small chick" as one has far outpaced the other in growth.

The thing about watching them, and reflecting on life in general, is how exquisitely evolved they are. Watching them hatch and develop, watching the parents' behavior - none of this is thought out. They just inherently know what to do. The babies poop outside of the nest, the parents tear off bite sized pieces of food and protect and rebuild the nest - watching them futz with the nest is fascinating, it's not a rational process, it's just, grab sticks that feel good and fluff that feels good and move it around until I no longer feel the desire to move it around kinda thing.

And I think about how ants have learned agriculture and to control for fungus with antibiotics, thousands of years before humans discovered penicillin, and I can't help but think (being atheist/an evolutionist), this is mostly us, too. We can use all kinds of words to describe and explain and rationalize our actions, but really we're all just acting on instinct. One instinct is to constantly explain ourselves in elaborate stories that give us some sense of agency so that we can pretend that we somehow control our lives. Because we need a sense of autonomy and control. But it isn't so. We're going to do what we're evolved to do, whether we want to change it or not, the behavior will be what it will be. This is something I'm realizing as I watch people relive the same toxic patterns on repeat. I do it, too. I feel these clouds of depression descend on me and I go into a panic because I know society expects me to construct some sort of story as to why I am not well.

I'm just not.

I have reached a point where I am exhausted by having to defend and explain my illness. I'm just not well. My brain doesn't work right. This happened in childhood. I can't fix it. Believe me I've tried everything. Short of a lobotomy. I can only cope as best I can, and hide it from others, or hide myself from others, since they find it so distressing and unbearable to witness.

Anyway.

It's a gentle, freeing feeling, I'm using it to try to let go of judgement when I see others behaving poorly. They don't want to behave poorly, any more than I want to be depressed, or arthritic. This is just something that happens to us sometimes. Hopefully it will pass, soon.

Of course we do have some agency, and in a different way than animals. I quit drinking. I took up multi-sport high intensity exercise, until my body revolted. I meditate. I practice gratitude. These things do help. But they're drops in the bucket of my evolutionary drives, and I'm silly to think I have so much control over myself, or that others control what they do. I am my mother's daughter. It's okay. I am finding as I age that I want to understand history better, I wish so much I could talk to my grandmother, and my great grandmother, and her grandmother. I have started to record little videos of myself talking, something I've never done before, in part because I wish I had such recordings from my mom and grandma. I have no offspring who will ever care to see such things, but, I do it anyway, because this is what my biology craves at this time in my life.

I feel like estrogen is helping me feel a tiny bit better. I'm not experiencing any pain from it yet, and only slight increase in headaches.

Friday completely wiped me out, work-wise. I came home, stuffed my face, and fell into bed, and basically just got up to feed the cat and comfort Josh a little and fall back into bed. I went out Thursday night, just to see Amanda, it started rough but I had an okay night, dancing in my monster mask (the mask-maker Ira/Snarlskin was also there in a similar monster head and claws) I only stayed for maybe an hour and a half and was in bed by 12:45pm, which is how it needs to go from here on out if I'm to continue clubbing. I kept my feet flat. Work was OOF but I think I can adjust to these longer hours, the extra income is YAY.

I gave Amanda lit-up balloons, since she was insisting that she was celebrating her birthday. She didn't thank me. She was so stoned she could barely keep her eyes open, and then had an "altercation" with a "friend" that she is still freaking out about on social media, two days later. The drama in her life with all those toxic people often completely consumes her, and all my efforts to try to support her just feel wasted. I am trying really hard not to judge her for this and give her grace. I just cannot tolerate that sort of thing and those sorts of people, but she doesn't know any other way. I can't be mad at her for this. It just... makes me tired. We all have our ways of coping, I am not here to judge whose is better or worse. Just trying to walk through it. I am not looking forward to the show tonight but it's okay. I will wear a mask in the theatre, as I feel very run-down and vulnerable to illness and don't want to get sick right now. Why am I so sleepy. Is it the koshi bells? lol.