serafaery

Kale with local sweet onion, garlic, dulce, purple and fingerling potatoes. Quinoa. Corn on the cob. This is a typical dinner for me. I am amazed at the wonderfulness of food.

I'm amazed at the wonderfulness of everything, today. Helpful physical therapy. My friends. My sweet cute healthy playful cat. A perfect latte. Savory treats. Melty soaky warm water happiness. Sunflowers bursting. Purple hair. Wings wings wings.

I want to glue my ears on now! But no. Not until Friday. Or my hair will turn them purple. (I sleep in them over the weekend at Faerieworlds. Spirit gum and liquid latex hold up surprisingly well, even through sleeping and showering.)

I'm oddly not the slightest bit stressed even though I'm very behind in what I wanted to get done by now. No point in stressing. I'm so happy just to go. And I'm happy to prepare calmly and slowly, enjoying each moment of the process, and the moments between.

Faerieworlds! Squeep!

For misschili: Fuzzy weird pic of Willow and I from last Sunday when I was trying to sort laundry and she decided my time would be much better spent as her cozy human perch:



And for me, a picture of the brunch I made for myself after Al-Anon and coffee with my step-dad on Sunday: 7 grain toast from New Seasons, red potatoes with kale, garlic, and onions, strawberries, and eggs gifted from a lovely barista's chickens with chives, thyme and oregano from my little herb collection on the sidestrip of our driveway. (I feel like I should give her a bundle of herbs or something in exchange for the dozen eggs she's given me in the past few weeks. Herbs wilt faster than eggs though. Hrm.)

Willow did very well during surgery and is recovering, now.

There should be no effect on her kidneys - she held up well under anesthesia. The blockage looked "pretty significant", which makes it sound like it was worse than they thought. They said it was probably making her pretty uncomfortable. I think she would have had less quality time than a couple weeks, had we not done this.

Now just gotta hope for no complications. They're unlikely, but always a risk.

Visiting her tonight after werk.

<3

Just a note that Willow is doing beautifully, today. Her butt issues have calmed down, and she's relaxed, playful, full of purrs and gentle pawings and head-butts for both Preston and I. She was eating well until I took food away from her to fast for tomorrow's exam and biopsy.

All this after seeing a new vet and getting poked at and then coming home and getting an injection. She forgave me and bounced back to her perky self immediately.

I absolutely HATE to put her through the exams and biopsy tomorrow. I think it will be the scariest thing that will happen to her, ever. Surgery will be less scary, if that happens, and chemo drugs will be more comfortable, if we end up needing to do a round. (They go much lighter on cats than in humans, it was explained to me today, as the goal is not to cure the cancer, but rather to minimize damage while extending quality of life and overall comfort level. Remission usually occurs in ~2 years. Willow would be nearly 18 in ~2 years - I seriously don't think she'd be around to go into remission.) Tomorrow will be the worst part, and it really won't be that bad. 20 minutes of belly rubbing and a small needle the same size used when her blood is drawn for blood work, which she doesn't even flinch at or appear to feel. The worst part will probably be being in the kennel before and after treatment.

I wish they could just do the surgery and examine the material then, since we know the mass needs to come out. I'm not sure why this isn't possible, except that perhaps the surgeon needs a really good road map to guide him/her before going in. I will share my concerns at the clinic tomorrow and see what they have to say. Those people love animals, too, and are vigilant about putting them through unnecessary pain, and I don't think they'd suggest doing something scary like this if it weren't necessary to her long term well being.

I do think about these things. I am not so focused on keeping her alive that I would fail to consider her comfort level or quality of life. Her quality of life is always and ever my very first consideration. I know tomorrow will be awful for her, but dying in 2 weeks would be worse for *her*, in my opinion, if she has a chance to live for several more months or even a year or longer, depending on how well her kidneys tolerate the treatments. I think, if she could understand the options, she would prefer to have that chance.

Maybe I'm wrong to think this. Maybe she really wouldn't care if I just put her down in a week or two, as long as she didn't have to go back to the scary vet place.

But I kinda doubt it.

I guess it's stupid to try online to convey any real truth about anything, but I feel like I should reassure everyone that I'm not a psycho cat-obsessed retard would would let Willow suffer in any way because I couldn't bear to let her go. I am not attached to her in that way. The only thing I care about is what is best for her. Money is no object because I know if *I* were dying, but could have a few more months of comfortable life, I would not accept the excuse to let me die in a few days instead because of the cost.

I have always been bitterly angry at the stories I hear of people who let their kidney failure cats get to the point where the cat is in intense pain, can't bury their own waste in the litter box, can't hold their head up, can't keep food down, and still they are force feeding and medicating and doing all kinds of awful things to keep the poor thing around a little longer. I could never understand doing that to an animal. I know my cat, I listen to her, and I will never torture her unnecessarily, even when a bunch of people online tell me I should take her to the emergency vet when I'm just over-reacting and over-sensitive to her colon irritation after an enema.

Just saying.

Willow's well being and welfare is the last fucking thing you have to worry about.

I am spending shitloads of money I don't have because I am willing to sacrifice my own needs for hers, to an extent. NEVER the other way around.

Anyone who knows me in real life and has seen me with her would have absolutely no doubt that this was the case.

Willow threw up a whole bunch more toxic waste this morning. The whole house smells like death and poop.

She ate about fifteen minutes after puking, as usual, acting all perky and fine.

Called the vet. They said after 3 days Willow's not likely to be able to poop on her own no matter what medication I give her, and that I needed to bring her in as soon as possible so that a doctor could see her.

Chris was very kind to take some time off work to give me a ride. We got there at about 8:20am, and were told that there was a doctor coming in at 10am but had appointments scheduled and would have to fit Willow's treatment (most likely an enema) whenever she could.

Chris bought us breakfast burritos at Bumblekiss and now I'm at werk, checking my phone every 5 seconds in between coding transactions and budget tracking.

Sigh.

I hate leaving her at the vet.

Just finished lunch, gotta go right back to wings, which were supposed to be done last night but are taking forever. I should have known a more complicated design would mean several more hours of work.

Now I remember why I don't make wings very often. It's really hard! Design a pattern, bend wire again and again and again until it cooperates (and then bend it a few more times because it undid itself), wrap wrap wrap wrap wrap with floral tape. Which needs to come in different colors by the way. I like the woodsy look of the brown, but would have preferred a silvery white or pale blue. Electrical tape looks too plasticy, even under shimmery fabric. I could wrap over it with ribbon but that would mean a) thick veins and b) hours added for glue/wrap/glue/wrap/glue/wrap process that floral tape conveniently omits with its pleasant stretchy stickiness.

Will post pictures when complete. If they are ever complete.

Might not have time to make my mask. Which means I will wear the pretty sparkly purple Venice mask from the dear coccinellidae.

I really wanted to make something to match the bracelet Myrrh gave me for Christmas. I have the means, but have almost run out of time. Maybe in time for summer Faerieworlds, heh.

Exhausting, and fun.

Wind! Getting dark already.

Oops, Willow curled up on my lap. <3 kitty. *petpet*

Holy shit she's eating dry food again.

Yay, I can sleep now.

Thanks so much for the kind thoughts and words. :)