Fun with depression.

Haven't been doing too great lately. Lots of fatigue and trying to withdraw from the world. Work is getting on my nerves to the point that when one of my co-workers who is out on maternity leave brought her baby in for everyone to coo over, I ducked out and went home. Without saying anything. Three hours early.

It's depression. I know it, I know this feeling. Old familiar weight. Everything feels heavy and impossible. Socialization on any level is exhausting and unbearable, often tear-inducing. Things that should not bring about doomy gloomy thoughts cause devastating negative emotional reactions in me.

I know intellectually what is going on and how to work through it, but it's just so ridiculously draining. I feel like I'm wearing a layer of lead. My skin hurts, my muscles hurt, existing hurts.

I am inclined to go back on meds, having this reminder of exactly how painful this illness is. But so much chemically weirdness is so uncomfortable. I want to be free of that so I can feel healthier. But I can't appreciate feeling healthier if I'm so depressed that I'm making myself sick every day. (The remnants of my cold still linger, clinging to the inside of my sinuses.)

If I can just drag my ass through this a bit and try to pull myself out of the muck, I might have a chance of being okay. But everything feels so fucking heavy. I'm so tired of walking through air that feels like molasses. Rest doesn't help. I sleep and sleep and I'm always tired. Food doesn't help. Exercise would help but I'm so tired.

All I want is to be able to walk without struggling. To feel light. To be able to breathe. To be able to smile and be myself without alcohol or burrowing in bed with my cat. Wellbutrin gives me that, at least some of the time. A weight lifted. But I don't want the itchy scalp and ear ringing (which is worse right now, oddly), the dizzy spells when I miss a pill, random night sweats, gross gross gross.

Money is too tight and I feel incapable of dealing with it. I really don't want to pay to see my doctor.

I have no interest in forcing my friends to do any kind of celebrating for my birthday, which will make it horrible, and make me feel lonely and valueless. This is familiar.

...

Going to see if I can put in a load a laundry and cook myself some dinner. Do dishes maybe.

...

Looking through pixie_journal's latest series of photos is inspiring. The way she finds what's beautiful about people and lets it shine through her photos.

...

Didn't spin poi today. Too cold. Too heavy-feeling. I seriously need to live in a sunny, warm place if I can't exercise daily. I can't take this. Not by myself.

...

Maybe after dinner I'll play with my face paints a bit. Didn't wear any makeup all day and my skin is all happy and glowy from it.

Fun with depression.

Haven't been doing too great lately. Lots of fatigue and trying to withdraw from the world. Work is getting on my nerves to the point that when one of my co-workers who is out on maternity leave brought her baby in for everyone to coo over, I ducked out and went home. Without saying anything. Three hours early.

It's depression. I know it, I know this feeling. Old familiar weight. Everything feels heavy and impossible. Socialization on any level is exhausting and unbearable, often tear-inducing. Things that should not bring about doomy gloomy thoughts cause devastating negative emotional reactions in me.

I know intellectually what is going on and how to work through it, but it's just so ridiculously draining. I feel like I'm wearing a layer of lead. My skin hurts, my muscles hurt, existing hurts.

I am inclined to go back on meds, having this reminder of exactly how painful this illness is. But so much chemically weirdness is so uncomfortable. I want to be free of that so I can feel healthier. But I can't appreciate feeling healthier if I'm so depressed that I'm making myself sick every day. (The remnants of my cold still linger, clinging to the inside of my sinuses.)

If I can just drag my ass through this a bit and try to pull myself out of the muck, I might have a chance of being okay. But everything feels so fucking heavy. I'm so tired of walking through air that feels like molasses. Rest doesn't help. I sleep and sleep and I'm always tired. Food doesn't help. Exercise would help but I'm so tired.

All I want is to be able to walk without struggling. To feel light. To be able to breathe. To be able to smile and be myself without alcohol or burrowing in bed with my cat. Wellbutrin gives me that, at least some of the time. A weight lifted. But I don't want the itchy scalp and ear ringing (which is worse right now, oddly), the dizzy spells when I miss a pill, random night sweats, gross gross gross.

Money is too tight and I feel incapable of dealing with it. I really don't want to pay to see my doctor.

I have no interest in forcing my friends to do any kind of celebrating for my birthday, which will make it horrible, and make me feel lonely and valueless. This is familiar.

...

Going to see if I can put in a load a laundry and cook myself some dinner. Do dishes maybe.

...

Looking through pixie_journal's latest series of photos is inspiring. The way she finds what's beautiful about people and lets it shine through her photos.

...

Didn't spin poi today. Too cold. Too heavy-feeling. I seriously need to live in a sunny, warm place if I can't exercise daily. I can't take this. Not by myself.

...

Maybe after dinner I'll play with my face paints a bit. Didn't wear any makeup all day and my skin is all happy and glowy from it.