(no subject)

i am still constantly on the edge of tears, and break into unexpected sobs several times a day, and constantly, constantly fantasize about death.

but, managed to make it to the rink this morning. where, after seeing my skin and my eyes and asking if i was alright several times, the skaters embraced me, encouraged me, thanked me for participating in that world, and begged me to come more often.

i must focus my attention here.

so tired of dwelling on all these humans who only brought out the worst in me. the ones that make me feel like a monster, or a disease, ill and sick, just by thinking about them. the more i think about them the sicker i feel, but, part of me wants to fix it, make it right, so the thoughts circle, and circle, re-injuring and re-infecting this broken oozing damaged weakened heart.

broken at werk.

withdrawn from my class.

there's no way i can teach ethics in the spring.

my school loan payments more than doubled for this month. i guess this is my indication that i need to figure out how to renew the government-mandated 15% income cap on my loan payments manually, or they will just bill me for the regular amount. even though it's not legal to charge me that much. nice.

off to belly dance class. didn't manage to clean the house like i'd hoped. maybe before i go to bed.

i'll be okay, eventually. some days are worse than others. it's normal. it's nothing special. i'm nothing special. clearly. not worth anything. just a piece of carbon dancing around for a second.

(no subject)

i guess, i just, i thought i'd mention for people who might read this and might care and don't have a good grasp of depression, that fantasizing about death is a totally normal symptom, and nothing to get alarmed about. if you don't have context that might sound scary. but to those of us with depression, it's par for the course. it's usually suicidal but sometimes it's just the concept of death itself, constantly plaguing the mind. on repeat. all kinds of scenarios. a constant theme. it's really common and sad and uncomfortable but nothing to worry or get upset about. just, don't want to unduly upset anyone who might not be familiar with this disease.

(no subject)

whenever i see something that reminds me of some sweet, precious time we had together, a moment or an experience, like a movie quote from something we saw together, all i can think is, i wonder who he was fucking behind my back that week?

nothing but nausea.