(no subject)

been crying at werk all day. fun times.

something reminded me of my mom's cat max yesterday, and I can't shake the sorrow. he was one of the most wonderful cats in the entire world. a snuggly, affectionate maine coon with the fluffiest tail and giant white paws and big ears, but a small, lithe frame. he was kicked as a kitten and had a shattered hip, so his femur was surgically placed into his hip muscle as the hip socket was destroyed - cats do okay this way, he didn't have a limp or anything.

one night after i moved back to portland, before i took willow back, he and i were sitting on my mom's driveway, watching the moon. he snuggled up to me and I cradled him and told him one day i would take him away and give him a new life. just you and me, against the world, with our janky hips? i said. he purred and purred and purred so hard, and hugged me.

a couple years ago i found out that she had put him to sleep for kidney failure. i found out about 30 minutes after it had happened. i know how to treat kidney failure. i had willow, i couldn't have taken him home and done it, but, i can't help thinking that maybe somehow some way i could have done something, and he'd still be here.

i miss him so much.

i'm so happy i was able to take care of willow, and that i can take care of p-funk, now. he is starting to show his age more, starting to urinate more frequently, but he is doing well and is so happy and relaxed. but i wish max didn't have to be destroyed. i wish i could have done something. it completely breaks my heart. those big fluffy paws. poor kitty, poor kitty. you deserved so much better. </3