another James Blake morning

Starting to shake out of this funk a little bit. I still feel weak and feeble and afraid, unemployment and lack of income and this rapidly ageing face and body are not helping, but, the only thing to do is keep walking forward, keep dreaming. I have such desperate longings, I don't think they are unreachable, yet. I think I still have passion and beauty to look forward to. Maybe.

I realized that the realization that I can't go back to work yet was a huge blow to my mood. I just want to feel productive and useful and it's hard to find that in non-work things, right now, with so many limitations. And with Tyler's reluctance to run away into the woods with me. (Avoidance ftw.) But it is possible. I just need to refocus.

Wednesday might be a good mushrooming day. It's Veteran's day so a lot of people will have it off, but if I find more remote areas I can hopefully avoid them.

Things I can do today to shake off this painful mood - select a few:

* henna hair
* clean out one box of crap from the garage
* get out order, pick up USPS boxes
* grocery run?
* run on track?
* ride up rocky butte or forest park
* find a new book to read


* cleaning tasks, broken down:
Livingroom:
- desk org
- shake out rugs
- sweep and mop

Bathroom:
- scrub out tub
- scrub out sink
- wipe down toilet
- wipe down cabinets and walls
- sweep and mop

Bedroom:
- put away laundry
- put away halloween costumes
- put away bags
- put away makeup
- organize and wipe down dresser

Kitchen:
- wipe down/spot clean cabinets (everything else is pretty much clean)
- sweep and mop

We're going to attempt to host outdoor dinner tonight, I'm going to have to get the pop-up out since rain is expected. We'll see how it goes. I have waterproof led candles and light strings, it'll be fun I think. I'm excited to try out the new fire pit. I had one at the Failing house and loved it so much, we used it until it rusted out.

Need to decide on an exercise plan, today. I think biking up Rocky Butte sounds the most appealing. I need more endurance and running can just pound my joints too much, sometimes. I am so grateful that I've gotten such a deep rut of biking habits built up, even in bad weather. I biked to work so much last year. It is really paying off on days when I feel like I can't move. Biking saves my sanity, repeatedly. I feel so sad for people who don't have this. I was thinking about this yesterday when I went to see my brother and he was so spun out and upset, nothing but complaints and fears. (He apologized later.) I know the feeling. But a quick bike ride can turn all of that around so fast, it's amazing. You forget about food, you forget about your problems, your circulation improves, your heart gets to work. I'm so grateful for my bike, and this bikeable city. At least he does have a gym setup in his basement. I don't have that. It would be hugely helpful if I did.

He was very appreciative of the food I brought him yesterday. I don't know why I keep buying him stuff. Habit. And I care.

Need to take a shower at some point, too. Maybe after biking.

have I shared this yet?

Getting me through the harder, danceless days:

Watch on YouTube