you'll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air (if you need anyone)

Heard the new lockdown restrictions on my way home from skating, which includes closing my rink, for the rest of the year. I teared up a bit. But my favorite x-country ski area is open. I will try to get up there weekly. I'll be okay.

For whatever reason, 21 Pilots is hitting the spot today, emotionally. I don't know what this means. Josh and Tyler have always resonated but this just feels intense, today.

....if you need anything

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I actually feel better than I have in a while. I've been cooking tons and tons of fabulous food. Today Josh and I got seared cabbage with onions, kale, two kinds of beets, purple bell pepper, tofu, garlic flakes, ground flax, oyster mushroom powder, everything but the bagel seasoning, tomato, fresh grated turmeric, and fresh grated ginger. side of basmati rice. omg. so good. yesterday every meal was similar to this. I made myself eat some just now even though I'm not hungry. I've been trying to be conscious of nutrition so that I don't get all dizzy again.

and other things.

eeeeeee I baked all the things. the strawberry almond chocolate cookies are amazing, I made a pizza for us for dinner, pumpkin roasted and pie in the oven, and the banana/pear/plum/kiwi bread with almonds and chocolate chunks is cooling. no sugar in the fruity bread, but I used some of my step-sister-in-law's bee's honey for the strawberry cookies and pumpkin pie. She gave us a 16oz jar of crystalized honey last year for the holidays and we are almost through it, I pretty much just use it for baking but occasionally in tea, also.

I got drenched on my bike going to Bella Luna for a latte and it was great, I didn't even mind at all. It was sunny when I left and sunny when I returned but there was a downpour on the way. The crows begged for treats when I got back. my pretty black feathered friends.

thinking a lot about life and death, as usual. how i feel myself in the tiny flowers that push through the concrete, the little hidden things of beauty amidst the urban ruin and decay and wreckage.

21 pilots say, the difference between life and death is trying, so please try. this is what i keep doing. was thinking about this as i pedaled home in the pouring rain. i set myself up for discomfort purposefully, to push, to do something difficult and outside of my comfort bubble, to try. just keep trying.

skated hard this morning, too. worked on my dances for the first time in months. i am still trying to accept that there will be no more skating this year. or silks, most likely. i'll email scott and see if i can still drop in next week, but i'm guessing he's done.

must add leg raises and pullups to my morning routine, to make up for a fraction of the loss of skating and silks. my legs and arms need to keep working, somehow.

I still want doughnuts.