painful past haunts.

a year ago tonight, my mom was dying, finally breathing somewhat normally after hours and hours spent coughing and gasping, while the hospital lingered in getting her comfort meds to her because of "the holiday" (it was the day MLK day was being observed, last year), when they should have been delivered immediately. (I was ignored when I asked to file a grievance with my mom's oversight facility, and didn't have the emotional fortitude to fight to try to make it happen, last year. The whole point of her being on hospice was to avoid exactly this.)

the 18th was the worst day, really. by evening, she had calmed, and I was able to talk to an on-call doctor late that night, who helped my brother and I immensely in getting through the process of watching her die. her passing was so peaceful the next day, the 19th, that sitting by her side, I barely noticed that her shallow little breath had stopped.

nine years ago today, facebook kindly reminds me, I was fired from the longest full time position I ever held (by a new boss who had taken over as Dean and was mad that I didn't flirt with him over chat - that's the real reason, he made up some bs stuff that he lost his case over at the unemployment hearing).

the firing was what eventually propelled me to start my own business, and also landed me directly in Tyler and Josh's arms, so in the end it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. but in the moment it sure didn't feel that way.

no wonder my head feels like it's going to explode.

work was really hard, today. all anyone wants to talk about is the virus. i get it, we're all living this shared trauma. but covid burn out is real and i need a break. i love my work but ouch.

i am going to rally and make cookies anyway.

ow my everything.

I took a tiny nap, and then got to baking, YAY. I finished all of the orange-almond vegan gf shortbread cookies. HOORAY. I work 9-2 tomorrow so in the afternoon I can bake the other flavors I want to do: rosemary, elderberry, and chocolate. I want to make some gingerbread, too. but that recipe calls for wheat and egg.

I am not sober.

I was listening to an old favorite xmas mix. Starbucks put out this xmas album back in 2008 that I still to this day adore, there is an incomplete playlist of it on youtube here. I might buy another copy, I lost my original. The best thing about this is the Goldfrapp version of Winter Wonderland, but the Pink Martini version of Do You Hear What I Here? is tear-jerking, too.

The pain of the deathaversaries is too much so when Lena Horne accused Rudolph of drinking I broke out a can of Abominable winter ale, and then added a splash of rum from my flask to my tea after that was gone. So I am not sober. Which is my favorite way to midnight-therapy-bake anyways. (Josh is happy with the results and didn't seem to notice that I wasn't sober, so I must not be too far gone.) But I was reminded of a cute xmas meme that Andrea posted on xmas, and I wanted to post my reaction to it, let me see if I can recreate it, here.

She posted this funny image:



To which, at the time, I reacted to with the "I understood that reference" gif, but what I really wanted to post was the kid crashing into garbage bins to that Phil Collins song, so I went back and did that, tonight:

Watch on YouTube

but in looking for the above clip, I got distracted by this alternate version that I had entirely forgotten and had me doubled over laughing in the kitchen, so I included it, too:

Watch on YouTube

aaaahhhh, the things that tickle this weird little brain of mine.

I am giddy with the numbing of the pain from the alcohol, and high from the euphoria of even a little bit of booze. I am in an obscene amount of physical pain, as well as the unbelievable emotional hurt. I went to silks class last night after what, 2+ months off? and jumped in head first with absolutely no holding back, as if I'd never left. My skin hurts to the touch, everything is so ridiculously sore. every part of my arms and shoulders, hands and fingers, torso and back. My legs are sore from running 3 miles this morning in the mist. owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww lol.