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overshare wednesday.
Jun. 22nd, 2022 11:27 pmroom is not clean but it's much better than it was. at least vaguely functional. cleaned out Lunar's favorite sleeping spot, I noticed he hadn't been there in weeks and it was really dusty down there, no wonder. poor kitty.
Lunar had lots of walkies and brushings today, he's doing well.
put away some winter things as we're about to enter our first heat wave of the summer.
got all my bills prepped for payment, and got my new health spending card out with instructions on how to activate it (it failed last time i tried, here's hoping i can make it work in the morning and get these bills taken care of).
desk is not cleaned off but most stuff is put away, i don't know what to do with the new bluetooth earphones (a headband for sleeping, and a sport pair i hope to use on the ice) that i need to charge and learn how to connect to. i have two books out, and some random other do-dads that need to find new homes. everything that already has a home is put away, at least.
am looking forward to getting back to sparkling tomorrow. i haven't sparkled all month. i sparkled one customer today who i haven't seen since before pandemic, she is very sweet and we had a nice time catching up. i really love my job. trying to decide if i should try to see a couple customers saturday, or offer to help natasha move. josh thinks i should do the latter. but i've missed so much work from having covid, i feel like i should try to make up for it?
need to henna my hair tomorrow after work and hopefully either dance or see finley or both, tomorrow night. i got five more orders packed up and ready to go, today. i'm so lucky that my online sales have jumped this month, since everything else was stagnant. i'm just treading water this month but at least i'm not falling behind. it feels like purely luck, i haven't put any new energy into the website or youtube. i need to build a new website altogether, and make new videos, this is important.
i also feel like i should offer to sparkle for cynthia's wedding reception. i'm sure she doesn't want to ask me to work or pay me, but maybe she would like having sparkles there for her friends? just for a couple hours maybe? but i don't want her to feel obligated if that is not something she wants. tricky tricky. it would be a nice wedding present, i think? she gave me use of a beautiful cabin for mine.
...
i get distracted by painful thoughts of my mom. i thought the memorial would help ease things, and in some ways, it has. i feel like a little bit less of a failure in terms of my respect for what was her life. but i also feel terribly guilty for not treating her better when she was well, during years of her life when she was working so, so hard to make things better for herself. i remember being entirely disconnected from her work and efforts, i never praised her or participated in anything she was doing. she was revered in the portland piano music community and i never went to any of the performances or gatherings she loved, i never went to support her when she took her syllabus tests. she admonished me for this once. She was so angry, and made me feel so selfish and uncaring, she accused me of being the worst of the worst of daughters for not considering what effort she was putting forth or making any effort to support her. because of the way she reprimanded me - guilt-tripping and calling me names, instead of just asking me for support - i never could actually offer her support at all after that. i just distanced myself entirely. divorced myself of anything she was interested in or trying to accomplish. how sad is that? i wish so much that whole thing could have been different. i wish i had been more mature in my 20s.less fearful, more loving. i wish she had modeling for healthy communication. i wish we'd had therapy of some sort. it's so painful to think about and it's just pervasive in the front of my mind right now. the feeling of the meaninglessness of life is so potent, it's a constant taste in my mouth, a backdrop to everything i do. mom was 20 times the woman i will ever be and when she was alive it seemed like the whole city knew who she was and thought she was important, and now only a handful of people care to remember her at all. i recognize that most of my existence involves distracting myself from the emptiness i feel, from the utter lack of accomplishment, and whenever i do stop to try to connect and deepen my approach to life in whatever way, it's just too difficult to face my failure to make anything of myself other than a disposable bag of flesh, too overwhelming to try to take even the tiniest step toward becoming something better, more intelligent, knowledgeable, helpful, valuable, interesting, worthy of taking the next breath. i distract myself by adorning people with sparkles and trying to make their day better, and by feeding josh wildly healthy meals. i spend all of my money on food for him. i spend all of my free time cooking for him.
i'm a little grouchy because i barely ate today, i'm just so bloated from the last couple of binge-y days that i had to restrict my intake and it makes me cranky. all i want is hot dogs and popcorn and fried chicken and ice cream, white rice, biscuits and cake, the junkiest of junk foods. but what i ate today was a little bit of yogurt with fruit and nuts, a pan of seared vegetables with olive oil, avocado toast, a couple apples, and a couple cups of coffee.
need to sleep, have an early morning, i double booked myself so tomorrow will start early and go long, but i get to sparkle radonna which is awesome, i love my people. i'll bring healthy snacks and make it through just fine. i'm lucky, and so grateful, for this little meaningless life.
Lunar had lots of walkies and brushings today, he's doing well.
put away some winter things as we're about to enter our first heat wave of the summer.
got all my bills prepped for payment, and got my new health spending card out with instructions on how to activate it (it failed last time i tried, here's hoping i can make it work in the morning and get these bills taken care of).
desk is not cleaned off but most stuff is put away, i don't know what to do with the new bluetooth earphones (a headband for sleeping, and a sport pair i hope to use on the ice) that i need to charge and learn how to connect to. i have two books out, and some random other do-dads that need to find new homes. everything that already has a home is put away, at least.
am looking forward to getting back to sparkling tomorrow. i haven't sparkled all month. i sparkled one customer today who i haven't seen since before pandemic, she is very sweet and we had a nice time catching up. i really love my job. trying to decide if i should try to see a couple customers saturday, or offer to help natasha move. josh thinks i should do the latter. but i've missed so much work from having covid, i feel like i should try to make up for it?
need to henna my hair tomorrow after work and hopefully either dance or see finley or both, tomorrow night. i got five more orders packed up and ready to go, today. i'm so lucky that my online sales have jumped this month, since everything else was stagnant. i'm just treading water this month but at least i'm not falling behind. it feels like purely luck, i haven't put any new energy into the website or youtube. i need to build a new website altogether, and make new videos, this is important.
i also feel like i should offer to sparkle for cynthia's wedding reception. i'm sure she doesn't want to ask me to work or pay me, but maybe she would like having sparkles there for her friends? just for a couple hours maybe? but i don't want her to feel obligated if that is not something she wants. tricky tricky. it would be a nice wedding present, i think? she gave me use of a beautiful cabin for mine.
...
i get distracted by painful thoughts of my mom. i thought the memorial would help ease things, and in some ways, it has. i feel like a little bit less of a failure in terms of my respect for what was her life. but i also feel terribly guilty for not treating her better when she was well, during years of her life when she was working so, so hard to make things better for herself. i remember being entirely disconnected from her work and efforts, i never praised her or participated in anything she was doing. she was revered in the portland piano music community and i never went to any of the performances or gatherings she loved, i never went to support her when she took her syllabus tests. she admonished me for this once. She was so angry, and made me feel so selfish and uncaring, she accused me of being the worst of the worst of daughters for not considering what effort she was putting forth or making any effort to support her. because of the way she reprimanded me - guilt-tripping and calling me names, instead of just asking me for support - i never could actually offer her support at all after that. i just distanced myself entirely. divorced myself of anything she was interested in or trying to accomplish. how sad is that? i wish so much that whole thing could have been different. i wish i had been more mature in my 20s.less fearful, more loving. i wish she had modeling for healthy communication. i wish we'd had therapy of some sort. it's so painful to think about and it's just pervasive in the front of my mind right now. the feeling of the meaninglessness of life is so potent, it's a constant taste in my mouth, a backdrop to everything i do. mom was 20 times the woman i will ever be and when she was alive it seemed like the whole city knew who she was and thought she was important, and now only a handful of people care to remember her at all. i recognize that most of my existence involves distracting myself from the emptiness i feel, from the utter lack of accomplishment, and whenever i do stop to try to connect and deepen my approach to life in whatever way, it's just too difficult to face my failure to make anything of myself other than a disposable bag of flesh, too overwhelming to try to take even the tiniest step toward becoming something better, more intelligent, knowledgeable, helpful, valuable, interesting, worthy of taking the next breath. i distract myself by adorning people with sparkles and trying to make their day better, and by feeding josh wildly healthy meals. i spend all of my money on food for him. i spend all of my free time cooking for him.
i'm a little grouchy because i barely ate today, i'm just so bloated from the last couple of binge-y days that i had to restrict my intake and it makes me cranky. all i want is hot dogs and popcorn and fried chicken and ice cream, white rice, biscuits and cake, the junkiest of junk foods. but what i ate today was a little bit of yogurt with fruit and nuts, a pan of seared vegetables with olive oil, avocado toast, a couple apples, and a couple cups of coffee.
need to sleep, have an early morning, i double booked myself so tomorrow will start early and go long, but i get to sparkle radonna which is awesome, i love my people. i'll bring healthy snacks and make it through just fine. i'm lucky, and so grateful, for this little meaningless life.
