Lunar vibes, abridged.

faery gathering last night at horse brass was nice but i was also totally drained and not holding up well. i always feel weird around bryonie and toby (froud - TOBY FROUD - who always tries to be kind and warm to me and I'm always so standoffish and tense, sigh, one day i will believe that he actually cares about me, why i doubt this no matter how many times he tells me i dunno). i get treated like faery royalty and i know i've earned my wings here but it still feels like i'm out of place and should just be sweeping the floors around them. i guess sometimes imposter syndrome just never dies. or maybe i was just tired.

i took josh (my husband) to coffin club finally on friday night, after a year of going without him, and it could not have gone better. he did absolutely wonderfully. once he relaxed and settled in, he really brought it on the dance floor. i was so so happy to see him this way. it was really perfect. he says he'll come again. i really hope so. i need him to meet Derek still, Barbie was DJing Friday, but that's almost better because she's so extremely warm and welcoming to everyone and makes everyone feel wanted and special and that's perfect for a newb.

i really wanted to go out tonight but i need to rest.

i worked today and that was kind of stressful, being as tired as i was and after a really bad vertigo spell this morning. i got boosted tuesday, this is saturday, i was not expecting to still have symptoms.

i did set up a new tea station at the studio and i love it so so much. Having warm herbal tea on demand on cold rainy dark days is magic.

I only sparkled two people and immediately spent what i made on new birthday cards and coffee but it was perfect, it was pretty much all I could handle.

Maddie, a magical customer I've been sparkling for six years now, brought me a black cat figure that is so Lunar, and so perfect. I burst into tears and ugly-cried on her, it was so so unexpected and i didn't realize that i kind of needed it.

I dreamt about Lunar last night, and something about the way this sculpture is holding his head reminds me so much of the way Lunar would lift his nose up and close his eyes and just express this radiant love, with a kind of grateful vibe, that I miss so so much. I have so many photos of this expression of his. And the way he always head-bunted and nuzzled. Just like, "Life is good, yes, I love you."

Something about the combination of my dream of him nuzzling my face and this sculpted kitty gave me this feeling suddenly that he forgives me. There was such an emptiness after he was gone, but i feel like, he's all the way crossed over now, and can reach back and let me know that it's okay, what happened. I don't actually believe in any of that stuff, but that's how it feels. maybe it's just the process of me slowly forgiving myself, for not giving him more of my time and energy and care. I gave so much, but I still feel like I could have done more. Same with mom. Though with her, I go back and forth between never having done enough, and perhaps trying to do too much.

Maybe it's the same with Lunar.

I don't know.

What do I know.

I know that I'm tired and this vertigo side effect is really scary and I should probably try to get some sleep.