sobriety is not suiting me well.

the downside of sobriety is the pain and trauma that has pummeled me into a frail little human thing rolls in at full force with nothing to blunt it. it's only been a week and i feel like i'm 80 years old, there has been enough suffering to fill the life of an 80 year old, for sure. the way it rocks me when people 20 or 30 years my senior talk about their mothers, for instance. i'm used to my friends having parents (and even grandparents, some of them) but i forget that pretty much everyone who crosses my path still have their parents, too. and whole family structures, relatives that they visit, family out of state, or whatever. i'm the outlier.

the world feels so hostile and unforgiving to me at the moment.

i know self-destructive behavior is childish but it is also a way to cope that i've used with some degree of success for quite a while, i'm fairly moderate with my substances, my drinking is what, 2-4 drinks per week if that, but without it i feel pretty heavy and overwhelmed, my anxiety is through the roof, i can't respond to emails or texts right now, i can't open emails, i can't process thoughts clearly. i'm always late to everything and constantly canceling or changing plans because i "just can't even."

maybe i'm just really tired.