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Feb. 6th, 2023 04:49 pmoof, what a day.
cloudy and overcast and coldish, there is a soft whisper of spring in the air, though.
crows followed me to the mailbox to deliver my orders, today, so sweet.
(they got cashews and cat food.)
I miss my cat.
...
Dancing gogo at Hive last night was a thing, I dunno. I liked it but I don't think I will do it again. I am just too old to care about showing off anymore really. I don't want to be on stage. I know I don't photograph well anymore, especially from below when up on a raised surface, I was not happy about the photographer trying to capture shots of me up there actually. Video would have been great, but no one took any. I sent a gorgeous video of Andrea to her, but nobody took any of me. The few photos Jasmine took are terrible.
Jasmine. oof. She is so sweet and darling and magical and I adore her, but omg, her alcoholism is bad. I picked her up at 9pm (she doesn't drive and voiced wanting to go so I offered to come get her, even though she lives far-ish from me, she's in my old neighborhood so I was happy to make the trip to have a friend with me), but when she sat down, she had that alcohol-though-the-skin smell that transient people have. I was immediately tense. She is a couple years younger than me but looks older. Her sentences are oddly structured and meandering. It's concerning.
I am not about to judge anyone for drinking, but when it gets to that level it is worrisome.
She also drank several pints of IPA at the club. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around being able to drink anymore at all, when one was already leeching alcohol through their skin. Let alone extremely strong IPAs. I witnessed her drink 3 (and she is a small girl) which would have laid me flat, but I was dancing on stage for most of the night so I have no idea how many she actually drank.
She did not appear at all intoxicated during the drive home.
I know she admitted to drinking a six pack a night during pandemic, but I thought she was trying to back off, last summer. she talked about it like she was scared, herself. sigh.
Anyway. I want to stay friends with this person, but I am so worried for her.
For me, dancing all night while sober was totally fine. I was glad to be sober. I didn't really have a problem feeling okay without it. Gabe and I just ignored each other and I generally tried to stay off the stage while he was DJing. I don't like his music anyway, he only played a couple songs that I like.
I realized in the few photos that I did get from Jasmine, that I can tell by my posture and behavior that all I was doing all night was trying to make everyone else comfortable. It's what I always do. I caretake. I protect. I support. I celebrate others. Not so much myself.
Sometimes dancing is a place for me to just get lost in myself, but I can't do that when I'm on stage.
(It's what I love about Derek at Shadowplay. He indulges me, he quietly makes me aware that he notices me by playing a string of what he knows are my favorite songs. And I can just fade into whatever part of the dance floor and just sink into the sensation of the movement and the rhythm and the emotion of the songs, and dissociate for a bit from thought, and just be present and in a dark place that feels nourishing and safe. I don't have to be anything for anyone, I can just be myself.)
My makeup looked cute anyway, I love love love faery face paint, and I wore my ears, and my favorite purple harness.
..
.....
Did not go to sleep until 3am so I purposefully stayed in bed until 11am, it was not great sleep thanks to the leafblowers and other obnoxious landscaping tools - Mondays is landscaping day at the apartment complex - fills my room with gas smell, since they come right up to my windows??? STG one guy comes by at 8am and blows all the leaves off the grass, then at 9am another guy comes and blows them back onto the grass. It's the stupidest thing, it is physically painful to listen/smell/endure the idea of this late stage capitalism making money by polluting with zero effectiveness of the activity itself other than damaging the air and water and ecosystem. That's all it accomplishes and people will fight tooth and nail to continue to pay for this service. I hate it I hate it I hate it. It happens all over the planet on all levels every single day, it is the worst thing about existence, for me. I can't watch wildlife shows anymore because i know everything is about to go extinct anyway. I can't enjoy it, it all makes me weep when I see beautiful landscapes and precious animals and sea life. It's the one thing that makes me glad I will die someday, so I don't have to witness this senseless destruction anymore.
So, I didn't sleep well but Matt Walker (renowned sleep researcher) says that 8hrs of sleep during recovery is non-negotiable, even if not all of the time in bed is actually sleeping, so I stayed in bed until 11am, even though I was wide awake by 9am and also woke up at 7am like normal.
....
Immediately made myself coffee and started work when I got up, did some scheduling and messaging with various business related entities and hustled and got $500 worth of orders out and into the mail.
My reward was brewing a second pourover for myself. I've been drinking a lot more coffee at home, in my mind the latte money I would be spending is going toward friends who need help with bills (I can't seem to stop myself from sending money to go-fund-mes).
Then I set to work cleaning the kitchen and baked an apple/pear crisp for Josh.
(I might make that bread pudding for myself, soon.)
Placed a few long-neglected orders for my business, also.
Still so much I want to do, today. And now the sun has set and the sky is a deepening grey-blue.
I need to.......
* get groceries
* wash kitchen laundry, put away all my clean laundry
* clean up my work space
* catch up on work supply organization/inventory
* do PT exercises
* sweep the floors
Tomorrow I need to start work on.....
* lab testing tomorrow at 7am (yeeeeouch, need to remember to not eat past 10pm tonight, not that I typically do but I need to remember to stay fasted for this)
* TAXES (at least 3 hrs on this, Tuesday)
* henna hair
* sweep floors (if I haven't by tonight) and scrub tub and sinks
* take down xmas decor
* silks? or work on wings?
.......
It can get tiresome being the only housekeeper in the apartment. I got irritated last night as Josh decided to cook himself vegetables in his cast iron skillet, but he couldn't bring himself to clean it after having cooked eggs in it that morning, so he just fried burnt egg bits and other crusties from earlier into his vegetables, which is so bad for health, eating burnt debris like that, but he doesn't care to take five minutes to care for his pan if I don't get to it during the day, UGH. he just can't care. I guess it's a guy thing.
I do feel oddly at peace and evolved to care for the kitchen, even though I know originally humans didn't have plates and pots and pans and and running water and such.
I just wish I had some help sometimes.
Or, a dishwasher.
It's okay, all things considered.
My life is so blessed, I am very grateful. I love my cozy bed and my friends and work and fun dance nights, I love having bowls and plates to wash, I love crows following me to the mailbox and tiny blades starting to push through the earth, I love handpan music and taylor swift songs and sparkly face paint designs. i love my cozy house skirt that is sweatshirt material on work days, and my big thick cozy cotton house hoodie. i love my skin creams and having clean towels to fold. I love putting sparkly stickers all over my order boxes.
Still hungry, but I should try to get groceries before I eat more.
(ha, Josh came home and talked me into eating some apple/pear crisp. twist my arm lol.)
cloudy and overcast and coldish, there is a soft whisper of spring in the air, though.
crows followed me to the mailbox to deliver my orders, today, so sweet.
(they got cashews and cat food.)
I miss my cat.
...
Dancing gogo at Hive last night was a thing, I dunno. I liked it but I don't think I will do it again. I am just too old to care about showing off anymore really. I don't want to be on stage. I know I don't photograph well anymore, especially from below when up on a raised surface, I was not happy about the photographer trying to capture shots of me up there actually. Video would have been great, but no one took any. I sent a gorgeous video of Andrea to her, but nobody took any of me. The few photos Jasmine took are terrible.
Jasmine. oof. She is so sweet and darling and magical and I adore her, but omg, her alcoholism is bad. I picked her up at 9pm (she doesn't drive and voiced wanting to go so I offered to come get her, even though she lives far-ish from me, she's in my old neighborhood so I was happy to make the trip to have a friend with me), but when she sat down, she had that alcohol-though-the-skin smell that transient people have. I was immediately tense. She is a couple years younger than me but looks older. Her sentences are oddly structured and meandering. It's concerning.
I am not about to judge anyone for drinking, but when it gets to that level it is worrisome.
She also drank several pints of IPA at the club. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around being able to drink anymore at all, when one was already leeching alcohol through their skin. Let alone extremely strong IPAs. I witnessed her drink 3 (and she is a small girl) which would have laid me flat, but I was dancing on stage for most of the night so I have no idea how many she actually drank.
She did not appear at all intoxicated during the drive home.
I know she admitted to drinking a six pack a night during pandemic, but I thought she was trying to back off, last summer. she talked about it like she was scared, herself. sigh.
Anyway. I want to stay friends with this person, but I am so worried for her.
For me, dancing all night while sober was totally fine. I was glad to be sober. I didn't really have a problem feeling okay without it. Gabe and I just ignored each other and I generally tried to stay off the stage while he was DJing. I don't like his music anyway, he only played a couple songs that I like.
I realized in the few photos that I did get from Jasmine, that I can tell by my posture and behavior that all I was doing all night was trying to make everyone else comfortable. It's what I always do. I caretake. I protect. I support. I celebrate others. Not so much myself.
Sometimes dancing is a place for me to just get lost in myself, but I can't do that when I'm on stage.
(It's what I love about Derek at Shadowplay. He indulges me, he quietly makes me aware that he notices me by playing a string of what he knows are my favorite songs. And I can just fade into whatever part of the dance floor and just sink into the sensation of the movement and the rhythm and the emotion of the songs, and dissociate for a bit from thought, and just be present and in a dark place that feels nourishing and safe. I don't have to be anything for anyone, I can just be myself.)
My makeup looked cute anyway, I love love love faery face paint, and I wore my ears, and my favorite purple harness.
..
.....
Did not go to sleep until 3am so I purposefully stayed in bed until 11am, it was not great sleep thanks to the leafblowers and other obnoxious landscaping tools - Mondays is landscaping day at the apartment complex - fills my room with gas smell, since they come right up to my windows??? STG one guy comes by at 8am and blows all the leaves off the grass, then at 9am another guy comes and blows them back onto the grass. It's the stupidest thing, it is physically painful to listen/smell/endure the idea of this late stage capitalism making money by polluting with zero effectiveness of the activity itself other than damaging the air and water and ecosystem. That's all it accomplishes and people will fight tooth and nail to continue to pay for this service. I hate it I hate it I hate it. It happens all over the planet on all levels every single day, it is the worst thing about existence, for me. I can't watch wildlife shows anymore because i know everything is about to go extinct anyway. I can't enjoy it, it all makes me weep when I see beautiful landscapes and precious animals and sea life. It's the one thing that makes me glad I will die someday, so I don't have to witness this senseless destruction anymore.
So, I didn't sleep well but Matt Walker (renowned sleep researcher) says that 8hrs of sleep during recovery is non-negotiable, even if not all of the time in bed is actually sleeping, so I stayed in bed until 11am, even though I was wide awake by 9am and also woke up at 7am like normal.
....
Immediately made myself coffee and started work when I got up, did some scheduling and messaging with various business related entities and hustled and got $500 worth of orders out and into the mail.
My reward was brewing a second pourover for myself. I've been drinking a lot more coffee at home, in my mind the latte money I would be spending is going toward friends who need help with bills (I can't seem to stop myself from sending money to go-fund-mes).
Then I set to work cleaning the kitchen and baked an apple/pear crisp for Josh.
(I might make that bread pudding for myself, soon.)
Placed a few long-neglected orders for my business, also.
Still so much I want to do, today. And now the sun has set and the sky is a deepening grey-blue.
I need to.......
* get groceries
* wash kitchen laundry, put away all my clean laundry
* clean up my work space
* catch up on work supply organization/inventory
* do PT exercises
* sweep the floors
Tomorrow I need to start work on.....
* lab testing tomorrow at 7am (yeeeeouch, need to remember to not eat past 10pm tonight, not that I typically do but I need to remember to stay fasted for this)
* TAXES (at least 3 hrs on this, Tuesday)
* henna hair
* sweep floors (if I haven't by tonight) and scrub tub and sinks
* take down xmas decor
* silks? or work on wings?
.......
It can get tiresome being the only housekeeper in the apartment. I got irritated last night as Josh decided to cook himself vegetables in his cast iron skillet, but he couldn't bring himself to clean it after having cooked eggs in it that morning, so he just fried burnt egg bits and other crusties from earlier into his vegetables, which is so bad for health, eating burnt debris like that, but he doesn't care to take five minutes to care for his pan if I don't get to it during the day, UGH. he just can't care. I guess it's a guy thing.
I do feel oddly at peace and evolved to care for the kitchen, even though I know originally humans didn't have plates and pots and pans and and running water and such.
I just wish I had some help sometimes.
Or, a dishwasher.
It's okay, all things considered.
My life is so blessed, I am very grateful. I love my cozy bed and my friends and work and fun dance nights, I love having bowls and plates to wash, I love crows following me to the mailbox and tiny blades starting to push through the earth, I love handpan music and taylor swift songs and sparkly face paint designs. i love my cozy house skirt that is sweatshirt material on work days, and my big thick cozy cotton house hoodie. i love my skin creams and having clean towels to fold. I love putting sparkly stickers all over my order boxes.
Still hungry, but I should try to get groceries before I eat more.
(ha, Josh came home and talked me into eating some apple/pear crisp. twist my arm lol.)
