hard landing return from joshua tree

back from trip, so much i want to get done today my heart started racing, oops too much cortisol. it's a theme with me, i need to work on this.

buuuuuuut......

today i need to do.....:

* silks
* sparkle iris
* laundry
* orders
* schedule appts/update website
* send photos to brandon
* shadowplay tonight?
*

(things later this week)

* DEQ new tags/registration for the Fit
* passport application
* lingerie shopping? (still on the fence about that party)
* combicrhist is coming to Hive, should I get tickets? (I love them so - oooollld school, the show is actually called "old school set")
* put together album of cynthia's wedding photos and videos (I never did this because Lunar died the next day and it took me so long to recover that I never went back and edited everything)

..........................................................................

so much to journal about! the trip was so amazing.

there is something about travel - the change in perspective and attitude and appreciation of beauty and differentness (yes i made up a word, i like it) and navigating with new people and new situations that feels like taking a side step and viewing my life from another angle.

am i doing it right?

is this what life is? is this what i want my life to be?

am i fulfilled? should i want more? or less?

is there something i'm missing?

is wondering if there's something i'm missing taking away from everything there is right in front of me?

is being in rapture with nature enough?

is the feeling of "enough" just a chemical state?

should i get a cat?

should i open my marriage further? or close it?

anyway.

descriptions of the park in words are not possible. i will have to share photos and a little bit of descriptions of my own feelings while there.

it's never quite what one expects, going to national parks. no matter what people tell about or what i read, my experience is always wildly different. it felt like being on another planet, or at least another continent. the Joshua trees look prehistoric, and there are SO MANY ROCKS. I didn't realize it was so full of rock formations. I wanted to go for the desert scenery and hiking, and Josh decided to add on some climbing, but I didn't know it had literally thousands of routes, and probably over 100 different climbing areas for rock climbers.

so I climbed too. tagged along the first day. it was super fun.

and i still got my little mountain hike in on the second day. i'm glad Joey pointed me toward Ryan Mountain, I would have gone to Split Rock otherwise which would have been a longer harder hike and maybe not as scenic or quintessentially Joshua Tree so I think Ryan was the better option, it was spectacular and exactly what i wanted, and relatively gentle for me and my newly healed foot at only 1000' of elevation gain (Dog Mountain here in the Gorge is 3000' and my favorite, but i haven't been able to do anything like that for months, so 1000' was a better starting point for sure).

....

We somehow got great whether we were there, very cold and windy but also very warm and pleasant in the sun, we were happy, for February we knew we were risking cold. No wildflowers yet, March and April I would think would be peak visiting months, but I'm glad it was less crowded and the cold and wind was kind of exhilerating and fun.

We got really lucky though, apparently 3 days before our arrival there were 100mph winds that ripped the roof off our guiding company owner's house, and damaged a lot of trees and properties. And the day after we left, they closed the park entirely for snow and more high winds. But while we were there it was calm and glorious. thanks, faeries!

...

I'll write more about the trip later, right now i'm caught up in a Huberman podcast episode that i think will be life-changing. He titled it "motivation and drive" which sounded so distasteful that I purposefully avoided it for a while, but it's not really about being "a winner" like it sounds; it's about balancing desire and contentment, which is *everything" to me right now, especially while experimenting with going alcohol-free.

.....

Josh is sick, caught something on the flight most likely. poor thing. i might bow out on the lingerie party saturday, i really want to go but i don't want to be a carrier and bring illness to anyone and i don't want to be the only 48 year old lady in underwear at a young people's event (Elina is like, 32 maybe, she still looks like she's in her 20s, so does wispra - Orvis is a rabbit so 12 years my junior, that makes him... 35?). I know i should not be so hung up on age but it's hard out here, i feel really alone sometimes, i don't have a lot of girlfriends my age other than cynthia, and the others are moms or just very isolated and not very social anymore. so i play with the kids and i keep up fine, but it's so much harder for me and they have no idea how i have to triple my effort to do the things they do easily. it's worth it, but i get self-conscious, sometimes, about how hard i have to fight just to maintain.

my body is angry at me for not feeding it properly the last few days, so i'm doing bone broth and collagen today. it already feels grateful.

slightly starved

oh my goodness i'm suddenly starving.

my body rarely feels this hungry.

will feed you more, poor thing.