slow morning

feeling a little better after weeping softly into my coffee. Life is just hard, I miss my mom, always.

Finley hasn't responded to the babysera photos but it's okay I didn't really expect him to, he has no context and I'm not sure why he asked for them in the first place, except that he's polite.

Josh brought up Bend again yesterday, and feeling so useless and dealing with a sudden increase in crime in the area, I am kind of regretting not just bailing on Portland. (People do crimes and tagging in broad daylight in front of us, now. Nobody does anything.)

I'm not sure i like living in an apartment with no dishwasher in a sketchy area while pushing 50.

I wonder if maybe revamping my website could help make my business more flexible. I wonder if I could try to go to Bend monthly to start to establish some work there.

Maybe next year we can go, regardless. I don't know. I haven't earned my right to stay here.

But then, this means really giving up and giving my fate over to Josh, and I'm not sure I want to do that.

But also why not, if that's what he wants? He is the best thing in my life, he deserves my best effort, he deserves me doing whatever is best for him.

(Also permission slips.)

I dunno, stuff to think about over the next few months, while I try to figure out what I want life to look like, going forward.

I hope I can make myself go work on wings, today. To recover some of this loss, this week. I've lost so much income, it's depressing.

munchies attak

ha it's 1pm and I'm struggling to get through my orders and already starving. so much for having a skinny day lol

still sick blahblah

got my orders out.

that feels good.

definitely not making it to the bank today, though.

fed josh a ployes, he loved it. will have to make more soon.

but first, apple crisp, and pumpkin orange banana bread.

shadowplay last night looked like a regulars-only night from Mander's video and I'm so sad I missed it, those are my favorite. But, spring is coming, there will be more chances to dance freely.