why all of the ow?

I don't know why for the last couple of days I've been in so much all over physical body pain, in all of my joints, an old chronic pain flare, I used to live like this all of the time but I'm not used to it anymore and it's so, so awful. And my mood is all messed up. My body is so angry and I don't know what I did, I've been feeding it so carefully and resting a lot.

I can't think straight either, my work is a mess, my room is a mess, my thoughts are a mess, I keep forgetting things and ignoring people because everything has me triggered and totally overwhelmed. all I want to do is sleep. I haven't done any of my morning workouts this week. I tried to do just a chin-up this morning, and easier version of a pull-up, and got the most painful muscular twinge in my right armpit?

I don't know how to fix it, I am just overwhelmed with stress and feel like I can't handle anything, even basic stuff. I haven't washed my face or brushed my teeth in two days, I can't manage little things like laundry or just responding to basic requests, not sure what's going on. I keep thinking I need more rest but I've done zero exercise since Wednesday (other than dancing, which I did very mellow and softly) and it's still not better.

Maybe I'll try some bone broth. I was taking my supplements and did put collagen in my coffee yesterday. I've been in a caloric deficit and my weight won't budge, which tells me my body is resisting weight loss because it is stressed, it is packing on any weight it can because of whatever the problem is and I can't figure out what it is. I have slept well the last couple of nights, I am not sick. I just don't know.

parentheses

(It helped to vent - at least I finished one work order that I'd been stalling on for three days.

I have been making these baby progress steps, stopping myself and saying wait, you can manage to put that away and not just toss it onto your doom pile, wait, you can actually get dressed right now, and this morning, wait, you can actually do at least a few pushups, if not your usual 20-30.

It helps to have deeply ingrained healthy habits when everything inside of me collapses. even if only a handful of them might hold, in the stressful moments.

I hate the mirror lately.)

ow my everything.

home from sparkling, was a nice day at werk but I'm still in so much. very tempted to down a ton of alcohol at midnight, since that's technically easter and when I originally said i could start drinking again when i stopped drinking in january. i won't do this, but i am very tempted. i wish everything would stop hurting. headache, all these weird places in all of my joints, my skin feels like it's burning. my mind won't function past basic capacity and even that is inhibited, I messed up my sparkle schedule, could not do clock math to figure out when appts were starting and ending, today. i hope i managed to charge everyone the correct amount, i had to focus really hard to even manage that much.

maybe part of the source of my current pain.

Why people endlessly see me as childish, I'm pretty convinced, even as I stare down the barrel of turning 50 two years from now.

Emotionally immature and vacant parents can really do a number on kids. When a child takes responsibility to monitor a parent's feelings: keeping them feeling "okay" and worrying whether things are going to fall apart, they don't get the inner sense of security that's necessary to move out into the world like an adult. Finding your tribe, making a living, discovering your talents and gifts. These are all so important to a good life.

But when that black hole in your childhood drained away all the guidance, all the teaching by example, all the sense of structure that you were supposed to get, you can end up in your adulthood feeling like your life isn't real, yet. And you're waiting, you're waiting for someone [or something] to come and put you back on track, back on the path of your actual life.

-Crappy Childhood Fairy

I spent my entire childhood hypervigilant and completely focused on managing my mother's (often alcohol-steeped and erratic) feelings and emotions, never learning how to understand or manage my own.

purple hat cheetah print dancin on the people rolled up at the after joint dancin dancin

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