Tuesday revving up for the week.

Head is spinning a bit after counseling, this morning. I feel kinda bad, and kinda good. I have stuff to work on with Josh. I have done a lot of healing around my family. More affirmation meditations are probably good. We didn't get too into why what was in my head was so dark all weekend, but he thinks it might have something to do with Josh being with Emily over the weekend (which was all okay with me but still had me feeling a little uneasy in the moment - polyromance is like that, consent with moments of uneasiness, it's part of it and it's okay) - but I don't want to depend on my marriage or Josh for my sense of self-worth.

Still feeling pretty good. Did morning exercises with Josh. Want to do a run-through of the Wednesday dance and a couple handstands, still. And leg raises, I skipped those. Up-downs tonight.

I did manage to take my vitamins last night with my n/a beer (that Sober Carpenter is really tasty actually) and didn't get an upset tummy, yay.

Need to make some food for Josh.

Walking with Cynthia, then might drive to Oregon City to pick up Lunar's paw prints. It's been a year. They sent me a letter. It's just a really long drive, and I expected to have an option to have them mailed, but they only offer pick-up.

( insurance/health care billing venting )

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee okay just got off the phone with them. wtf who even am I actually calling about insurance stuff, and taking my vitamins, and sweeping the floors, and holding my ground with my brother's abusive behavior (long story but was part of my therapy sesh today), I don't even recognize myself rn lol. Yay.

I even stayed calm.

It was hard though, and I have a raging headache, now.

Maybe need some more coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Or a Wednesday dance.

And to text Tyler and Karissa and Finley.

My therapist says I need to find ways to introduce newness into my marriage. Any ideas? His suggestion was a bit out there lol. I made him laugh with my reaction - but "it was just an example," he said, somewhat bashfully.

Need to find new hair dye or henna my hair today, one of the two.

Kinda wanna go soaking too - my massage therapist rescheduled, boo.

And I have an order to put together really quick.

Deep breath. It's beautiful out. I can do this.

Tuesday night

Josh wants me to climb with him tonight. I'm exhausted but I should go be a good wifey.

We did our morning exercises.

I failed to book my lookout tower. Next chance to try is Friday, which would be for May 18th, my birthday proper. I've gotten that date two years in the past, so I'm hoping for a repeat of my luck. This is my forth failed attempt and I'm starting to feel pretty discouraged. But to be fair, June is way nicer of a time of year to go than May anyway. I just have to keep trying until one of my attempts actually lands.

Today I have eaten: two persimmons, sheeps milk yogurt with a teaspoon of chia seeds, goji berries, sliced golden kiwi, chai, matcha, and raw cacao nibs, half a sweet potato with hemp seeds and nooch and olive oil, sardines with hemp seeds and nooch, mushrooms with hemp seeds and nooch and olive oil, an avocado with an egg and hemp seeds with fresh chopped rosemary and sage on all of the above aside from the yogurt and fruit. (I've scoped out a couple rosemary and sage bushes that I poach from on my neighborhood bike rides. They are massive, nobody will notice if I take a sprig or three.) Two squares of 100% dark chocolate, and a liquid death. Also my morning coffee and an afternoon almond milk latte with a tiny bit of pumkpin spice syrup and whipped cream that I really didn't need but it was tasty. I am pretty much 50% olive oil and hemp seeds and nutritional yeast at this point, I think. Sipping crio brew cacao beverage now.

Took a loooong walk with Cynthia in the cemetery.

Picked up Lunar's paw prints. They made me cry, as I knew they would. He was declawed as a kitten, I discovered after I rescued him, and poorly so, so his toebeans were misshapen and shriveled like little raisins, which is reflected in the prints, and it's sad but also didn't seem to cause him any pain, so in a way also endearing. My poor kitty. I miss him so. It's been a year without a cat to care for. It's been hard.

Since I had to drive all the way to Oregon City for the pawprints, I stopped by my step-brother Tom's shop to steal a hug from him. I've never dropped by unannounced (or announced, for that matter), at his work before - it was so nice. I'll see him in just over a week for Thanksgiving. Excited for that (aside from the difficulty I anticipate in not drinking while gathered with the family while everyone else does - luckily Josh also doesn't drink, nor does my full brother, due to heavy alcoholism that he's been in recovery for in AA for nearly 30 years - his sobriety date is in the year 1996 I believe).

Had a nice conversation with Tyler today, called him on my drive home from Oregon City. He might climb Dog Mountain with me tomorrow. Something in the air is whispering that maybe I should look into learning Magic: The Gathering - a game I never played though most of my high school friends were completely obsessed with it. I also want to (re-)learn Backgammon - apparently Josh knows how to play, not well but he understands the rules at least. I will watch some youtube about it. I used to play with my grandparents as a kiddo. It's a game Derrick enjoys and might be a fun way to spend time together with him - maybe he and Josh could play. I don't know. So I was picking Tyler's brain about games, because I know he knows many, including Magic. I'm toying with the idea of learning something new, maybe a game, maybe a language, maybe an instrument, I'm not motivated enough but I want to get there? Games seem like the easiest first step. Make it more accessible than choosing something so daunting as say, German.

My therapist picked up on some manipulation my brother was engaging in that I didn't see. I see it now and I am so grateful for the heads up. I put blinders on myself around this stuff. I did the same thing with my mom. I am finding some really helpful videos about recovering from being raised by emotionally immature/narcissistic parents. Mom and my brother aren't full blown narcissists, but there are traits. I'm so, so, so grateful for my therapist for helping me work through this stuff and set appropriate boundaries around toxic behavior. I have to ask, though - how does one not fall in love with one's therapist. Because DAMN. hashtag transference lol. (I've been though this before, so many times, with doctors, and teachers, pretty much any intelligent, vaguely attractive male in any role of authority/caretaking/mentoring. Abandonment/daddy issues much, Sarah? My therapist is more than just vaguely attractive, to be fair. He is downright smokin'.)



ETA: oh also I forgot, the first thing I ate this morning was a small sliver of my pumpkin pie that I baked from scratch on Sunday. There is barely any honey in it, mostly pumpkin that I roasted the day before, soft on the spices, gf vegan oat flour nutmeg crust, it's kinda perfect.

Tuesday after climbing

Maybe shouldn't have gone to the climbing gym. For some reason there was only one rock climbing shoe in my bag, so I had to rent shoes, and with my currently compromised/hurt foot, that was not ideal and now my foot hurts a lot. I'm also extremely nauseated. I can't tell if this is because I ate too much or not enough, or the wrong things, or something entirely different. It's odd that last night I could take a bunch of supplements and not feel sick, and tonight I took nothing and feel miserable.

Got really chilled today. I'm a little scared to climb Dog tomorrow as it's going to be fucking freezing. But I also need to get my heartrate up somehow, since I can't skate or run with this foot injury. Hiking something hard is the only thing I can think of. Josh thinks going to the coast for gentle mushroom hunting would be better for me. It would be less cold and less brutal on my body. He's probably right. But climbing tonight was not good, he is not always right about what is best for me - in fact he's usually wrong. He had me belay him on a climb that was waaaaaaaaay above his level so he was falling a lot and I'm still really new at lead belaying and I'm nervous so short-roped him on a clip and he got really mad at me. But I'm afraid to give him TOO much rope and then create a giant fall for him, and I struggle with speed taking in and letting out rope - I just need a lot more practice on easier climbs, this is only my third day ever lead belaying in the gym, he expected too much from me and I couldn't keep up and now we're both upset. And I'm just so tired.