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Saturday omg ow wtf
Nov. 18th, 2023 05:09 pmgunna make a pie. maybe more journaling later.
just wanted to vent a little.
in excruciating pain. my poor lower back. worked it too hard this week and then got up wrong this morning.
ow ow ow so much ow.
makes me grumpy.
I get really irritated and jealous of people older than me who still have their parents (and a good relationship with them). (and anyone who still has grandparents.) I get jealous of people who have supportive families, or any smidgen of wealth in their family.
Our parents died destitute. And far too young. I've never seen what healthy aging and what a "good death" looks like. Everyone I know who has died (and there have been too many), have been sick and in pain. I am trying to do the right things to avoid their fate, but it's never been modeled for me, and I have no idea if I'm on the right track or not.
finley texted. "I miss you." I will eat something comforting and take vicodin and go watch Loki with him, tonight.
I get tired of being afraid. I've worked really hard to build a good life for myself. I don't need to be so afraid so much, anymore. But it's a 45yo habit and not going to just go away so easily.
I charged a really good customer a no-show fee, for no-showing on me. I feel bad about it. But it's a small fee, and it really severely messed up my day that she did that. It's really hard for me to demand even basic decent treatment and respect, sometimes. Working on it.
Crio brew and pie baking and affirmation meditations, for now. Josh wants help with some creative but subtle makeup for when he goes dancing, tonight. I love seeing his playful side sparkle more. We had fun at Jaja today doing trapeze and silks, even though I could barely move due to this severe pain. It scares me how often I'm in pain, lately.
just wanted to vent a little.
in excruciating pain. my poor lower back. worked it too hard this week and then got up wrong this morning.
ow ow ow so much ow.
makes me grumpy.
I get really irritated and jealous of people older than me who still have their parents (and a good relationship with them). (and anyone who still has grandparents.) I get jealous of people who have supportive families, or any smidgen of wealth in their family.
Our parents died destitute. And far too young. I've never seen what healthy aging and what a "good death" looks like. Everyone I know who has died (and there have been too many), have been sick and in pain. I am trying to do the right things to avoid their fate, but it's never been modeled for me, and I have no idea if I'm on the right track or not.
finley texted. "I miss you." I will eat something comforting and take vicodin and go watch Loki with him, tonight.
I get tired of being afraid. I've worked really hard to build a good life for myself. I don't need to be so afraid so much, anymore. But it's a 45yo habit and not going to just go away so easily.
I charged a really good customer a no-show fee, for no-showing on me. I feel bad about it. But it's a small fee, and it really severely messed up my day that she did that. It's really hard for me to demand even basic decent treatment and respect, sometimes. Working on it.
Crio brew and pie baking and affirmation meditations, for now. Josh wants help with some creative but subtle makeup for when he goes dancing, tonight. I love seeing his playful side sparkle more. We had fun at Jaja today doing trapeze and silks, even though I could barely move due to this severe pain. It scares me how often I'm in pain, lately.
