the things our bodies randomly reject

Just got a call to go help Maria, my step-dad's 80yo girlfriend (he is widowed). Rolland can't get there yet and she needs help with her phone and had a rough night, sounds like. Life gets a lot harder when one has lost the use of one's legs, and dementia is starting to sink in. Poor thing. (Mom had dementia too, so at least I'm familiar with that.)

Was just going to reflect, before I got this request, on the irony that it seems like what hurts my back the most right now is standing in the kitchen in the morning washing dishes while my coffee brews. Why is dishwashing soooooooo painful, it's bizarre. I do aerial silks, I ice skate, I dance, I did a 3000' climb in a rain and snowstorm up Dog Mountain yesterday, I run, I bike, none of it hurts anywhere near like washing dishes, wth.

(To be fair, lying down in bed also hurts more than any of those things. so strange, back pain, I've never had to deal with it before and I'm endlessly perplexed.)

Off to the rehab facility, fortunately it's less than a mile away. I'll shower when I get home, I am a smelly faery after that crazy hike yesterday lol.

(no subject)

severely procrastinating on getting the floors clean, c'mon serafaery.

Hilariously, I decided to come over to the laptop to write some tips down from the podcast I just finished, one entire section of which focused on procrastination, lolololol.

Anyway tip 1: This was in relation to parenting, but I think it also would help with elders who are suffering with dementia. Adam Grant said that in randomized, controlled studies, people who give advice are more confident and motivated in tasks than people who ask for advice. There is something about the advice offering that gives people a sense of purpose and agency and being meaningful and helpful and like they matter. This is what end of life experiences take away from our elders. Walking through the facility Maria is in this morning, the desperation and loneliness on everyone's faces, and the fear and helplessness, was so potent.

So, while Maria is sitting there, complaining about feeling terrified and also bored, I realize that the thing that seems to bring her the most comfort is just having someone she knows there with her. She mentioned how she's lost connection with most of her friends as she's lost the ability to get around to visit them. The friends she used to go to church with stopped going to that church, so, where is that connection? They've all been lost. No friends, her daughter (the one that still speaks to her) is struggling to pay rent and can't drive (she has no car and never learned how, anyway). Sigh. Anyway. Um. The concept would be for me to perhaps ask Maria, if I were the one in your shoes, what advice would you give me. If I suggested moving, she would say that she's too afraid to move. But then it also scares her that she hasn't moved in 15 hours. I remind her that she can request help from nurses to use the bathroom or take a bath. She knows, but doesn't want to unless she absolutely has to, because she's afraid she'll get hurt or fall. Fortunately, her plan is to have Anna help with a bath tomorrow, with nurses also helping, maybe having another set of eyes on the situation will make her feel more secure. But what to do with all this time, in the meantime? She doesn't want to watch TV, she doesn't seem to have interest in music, she rejected her crossword games that she brought and had in a drawer next to her bed. But, something to offer her a little more agency and feeling like she matters would be helpful, in this situation, to try to relieve some of her anxiety.

sigh. It's so hard.

Other tips from the podcast, before I start sweeping and mopping lol:

Quiet time, T/Th/Fri no interruptions before noon = 65% increase in productivity (for engineers - focusing on the task rather than emails/other distractions)

Should we all be protecting the first few hours and the last few hours of the day for deep work? (early birds do more creative work in the morning.)

Movement and stillness intertwined with creativity (having creative thoughts in the shower, while running, or while perfectly still/meditating - allowing free-associating/undirected thoughts)

Ask for zero to ten score when looking for feedback. Don't just go to 1-2 people - if you get 8 different people, you realize that some comments were just idiosyncratic and nobody else cares about those issues - but if you get 5 people with the same complaint then that is not random and that's something you need to work on.

Instead of asking "how did I do,", ask, "what could I have improved for next time? what went well?"

Does the feedback focus on the task or the person who did the task? If it's directed toward the person, you'll get defensive. Learn to get input that will help build on strengths and weed out weaknesses. Asking for feedback gives you cheerleaders and critics - what you want is a coach. Can you give me advice for next time. It's a subtle shift that can make a big difference.

Those actionable items are much more likely to come if you ask for a tip rather than a general observation (such as "how did I do?")

Using "second score" method - rate yourself on how well you handled the first score. How well did you use that information to improve?

...

Finding a balance between wanting to experience the world, and wanting to improve the world.

Verb states instead of nouns. "Verbing weirds language."

The point of feedback is not to shame my past self, but to improve my future self.

Growth mindset isn't something you learn once and now you have it - it's a constant process.

Scaffolding - creating a supportive environment for the thing you're trying to do.

......

(K I'll go do floors and come back for more notes later)