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monday morning.
Jan. 22nd, 2024 08:33 amhad nightmares all night like usual, one was particularly weird.
It's gotten to the point where I have pleasant dreams so infrequently that I have to just find ways to enjoy the nightmares?
Anyway in this one I was being hunted like some sort of prey. The hunter wore a mask sort of like a fencing mask and wore dark clothes, he was hard to see but I was familiar with the silhouette pretty quickly - you get attuned to these things when you are being hunted, ha.
I was younger in this dream and not exactly myself.
(I am usually younger in my dreams, these days. It's like, I can't imagine how to be in my late 40s or older. Although I have been elderly in dreams before. It's not typical.)
Anyway. There was some lady trying to help me but she kinda sucked at it, not entirely useless but I was teaching her more than she was teaching me, for sure.
At one point, he was after me and she tried to direct me one way and I was like absolutely not and went another way, and hunter dude chucked a sword, from quite a distance - it was one of those 300 type scenarios, coming from afar but being frighteningly accurate. I parried and it grazed my side, leaving a small bloody slice. But we got away.
Later, we were sitting in some sort of dusty workshop/warehouse, which was kind of what my life had been reduced to - hiding in abandoned buildings, and he walked in casually. I screamed but he wasn't hunting at the time, and was just like, without words, kinda like, "could you not," and sat down, and took off his mask. He sorta reminded me of pedro pascal but skinnier - not particularly attractive, unkempt hair, seemed unhappy and tired and disinterested in general. I got a better look at his clothing - it was black but faded to dark blue at the wrists and ankles, with slits that fluttered and stars dappled at the ends. This younger prey version of me thought about the pros and cons of trying to talk to this person, when the dream sorta fizzled out.
I felt kinda like, well, I have no hope surviving this guy for very long anyway, may as well converse, it's not like I'm going to live regardless. And there was a distant hint of, maybe if I befriend him he'll stop, if he likes me at all, but obviously I was not counting on that, he seemed pretty annoyed with the entire situation as it was.
Anyway.
My therapist enjoys dream analysis so I wanted to get what I could remember down so that I didn't forget.
There was also a dream where I lost my bag while trying to fly somewhere.
All of my dreams are anxiety dreams, pretty much.
...
Cynthia asked to walk this morning.
As soon as she said yes, cramps hit.
Like, 2.5 months worth of cramps. I haven't bled in so long.
It feels like a knife in my stomach.
It hurts so bad.
I really want to walk anyway.
I don't take NSAIDs.
Not sure what to do. I'm in agony but really want to walk with her.
Wish I would just bleed already.
Perimenopause is not for the faint of heart.
Ah, Avalanche is getting her first exposure to the leaf blowers, poor thing. She's scared. (It's landscaping day, we've had so many holidays and storms that they haven't been here since we got her.)
I baked dinner rolls last night. Had a hankering. Two batches, it took a while to get them to work. Need to get more yeast, today. Spent the entire day cleaning, doing laundry, and baking. I was so so so distraught and nonfunctional, mourning so much loss, processing so much fear, but it was still fun to make rolls.
It's gotten to the point where I have pleasant dreams so infrequently that I have to just find ways to enjoy the nightmares?
Anyway in this one I was being hunted like some sort of prey. The hunter wore a mask sort of like a fencing mask and wore dark clothes, he was hard to see but I was familiar with the silhouette pretty quickly - you get attuned to these things when you are being hunted, ha.
I was younger in this dream and not exactly myself.
(I am usually younger in my dreams, these days. It's like, I can't imagine how to be in my late 40s or older. Although I have been elderly in dreams before. It's not typical.)
Anyway. There was some lady trying to help me but she kinda sucked at it, not entirely useless but I was teaching her more than she was teaching me, for sure.
At one point, he was after me and she tried to direct me one way and I was like absolutely not and went another way, and hunter dude chucked a sword, from quite a distance - it was one of those 300 type scenarios, coming from afar but being frighteningly accurate. I parried and it grazed my side, leaving a small bloody slice. But we got away.
Later, we were sitting in some sort of dusty workshop/warehouse, which was kind of what my life had been reduced to - hiding in abandoned buildings, and he walked in casually. I screamed but he wasn't hunting at the time, and was just like, without words, kinda like, "could you not," and sat down, and took off his mask. He sorta reminded me of pedro pascal but skinnier - not particularly attractive, unkempt hair, seemed unhappy and tired and disinterested in general. I got a better look at his clothing - it was black but faded to dark blue at the wrists and ankles, with slits that fluttered and stars dappled at the ends. This younger prey version of me thought about the pros and cons of trying to talk to this person, when the dream sorta fizzled out.
I felt kinda like, well, I have no hope surviving this guy for very long anyway, may as well converse, it's not like I'm going to live regardless. And there was a distant hint of, maybe if I befriend him he'll stop, if he likes me at all, but obviously I was not counting on that, he seemed pretty annoyed with the entire situation as it was.
Anyway.
My therapist enjoys dream analysis so I wanted to get what I could remember down so that I didn't forget.
There was also a dream where I lost my bag while trying to fly somewhere.
All of my dreams are anxiety dreams, pretty much.
...
Cynthia asked to walk this morning.
As soon as she said yes, cramps hit.
Like, 2.5 months worth of cramps. I haven't bled in so long.
It feels like a knife in my stomach.
It hurts so bad.
I really want to walk anyway.
I don't take NSAIDs.
Not sure what to do. I'm in agony but really want to walk with her.
Wish I would just bleed already.
Perimenopause is not for the faint of heart.
Ah, Avalanche is getting her first exposure to the leaf blowers, poor thing. She's scared. (It's landscaping day, we've had so many holidays and storms that they haven't been here since we got her.)
I baked dinner rolls last night. Had a hankering. Two batches, it took a while to get them to work. Need to get more yeast, today. Spent the entire day cleaning, doing laundry, and baking. I was so so so distraught and nonfunctional, mourning so much loss, processing so much fear, but it was still fun to make rolls.
