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storm faery.
Mar. 13th, 2024 08:55 amhad a beautiful day in a snowstorm at teacup lake yesterday, cross country skiing on the mountain.
Joshter kindly lent me his RAV4 since the Honda Fit really shouldn't be driven over the mountain during snow.
I remembered the snow-park pass, even.
There were three cars and two forest service vehicles in the parking lot when I arrived, and no vehicles but mine when I left.
Zero issues, other than dodging clumps of snow when the wind shook the heavy snow-laden branches of the tall tall trees. It's primarily doug fir forest in this area. though if you look really closely you can see a larch or a pine here or there. and there is a bit of hemlock.
I am most at peace in stormy weather, lately. Storm faery feels like my theme this year.
When I was struggling with my mood in college, and finding it difficult to sleep, I would often nap in the common areas - the buzzing and noise of so many echoey voices would put me right out.
lots of energy but none of it directed at me, all indifferent to my existence, that is where I feel safest, often, for some reason. who knows. the world doesn't care if i'm there or not, but i am of the world, from the world, part of the world. it is reassuring. the thrum resonates with my pulse. like a drop of water in the ocean, riding the waves - part of the waves. like a vibrational hug.
grateful that i get to be alive.
...
i think i was hitting those feral fungi tinctures a little too hard, i got dizzy last night as i climbed into bed with Josh. gotta be careful - even though i am sober, and have been for well over a year now, and am making amazing progress dealing with life without running from it, i catch myself using other substances to mitigate my stress and check-out, sometimes, still - usually food. (I don't do weed or any other drugs, and I don't consider mushrooms to be drugs, at this point, based on what i've learned from my doctor and my therapist.) but these tinctures are alcohol-based and my brain has figured that out, i'm afraid. three doses a day max, going forward.
i want something from my therapist. but i'm not sure what. his eyes got big when i said this, yesterday. he's excited to hear what it might be. he says that i am in charge of my therapy, and if i don't want to do something, i don't have to. I asked about maybe not doing any "inner child healing" because I don't actually like my inner child and she doesn't like me either, and avoiding revisiting past trauma because it is too painful, and I've done so well up until this point just ignoring it - yes I have memory gaps, yes I disassociate and minimize, but I'm kind of okay with that - the trauma is too severe to process for someone as sensitive as I am. I think my way may be healthier in the long run. I don't want to drown in a puddle of my own tears. I told him the idea of processing past trauma reminded me too much of Artax. (I hate that movie, maybe only because of that scene. I do love Falcor. Maybe it was worth it to have that movie, if only for him.)
anyway. i think what i want is just his perspective. if he can continue to ask me questions about my life and my behaviors and give me a better take on my behaviors and responses to things, i think that would be the most helpful. he's really good at finding ways in which i am terrible to myself, to help me catch and undo those habits, and he's really good at finding good qualities in things that i see as neutral or even annoying. being kinder to myself is the goal, maybe? being at peace with my life as it is now is my desire, i have flashes of this but it's not consistent. and this jittery feeling of lack of fulfillment, like, there's something else i'm supposed to do or know or be that i'm missing - i want to figure out how to boost this a bit - i feel part way there but it could be so much better. i think this is why i keep fantasizing about going back to training for massage or reiki or some sort of healing work. i think i am too sensitive for massage - it's too intimate and private and people (men) would take advantage of me, I fear - but maybe they have training on how to avoid that, too? I dunno.
need to do some work, take a shower, walk the cat, go to the gym, cook some food, do some housework. not feeling super great about all the work i have lined up this week but i will live. it will pay for my trip to los angeles the following week.
Joshter kindly lent me his RAV4 since the Honda Fit really shouldn't be driven over the mountain during snow.
I remembered the snow-park pass, even.
There were three cars and two forest service vehicles in the parking lot when I arrived, and no vehicles but mine when I left.
Zero issues, other than dodging clumps of snow when the wind shook the heavy snow-laden branches of the tall tall trees. It's primarily doug fir forest in this area. though if you look really closely you can see a larch or a pine here or there. and there is a bit of hemlock.
I am most at peace in stormy weather, lately. Storm faery feels like my theme this year.
When I was struggling with my mood in college, and finding it difficult to sleep, I would often nap in the common areas - the buzzing and noise of so many echoey voices would put me right out.
lots of energy but none of it directed at me, all indifferent to my existence, that is where I feel safest, often, for some reason. who knows. the world doesn't care if i'm there or not, but i am of the world, from the world, part of the world. it is reassuring. the thrum resonates with my pulse. like a drop of water in the ocean, riding the waves - part of the waves. like a vibrational hug.
grateful that i get to be alive.
...
i think i was hitting those feral fungi tinctures a little too hard, i got dizzy last night as i climbed into bed with Josh. gotta be careful - even though i am sober, and have been for well over a year now, and am making amazing progress dealing with life without running from it, i catch myself using other substances to mitigate my stress and check-out, sometimes, still - usually food. (I don't do weed or any other drugs, and I don't consider mushrooms to be drugs, at this point, based on what i've learned from my doctor and my therapist.) but these tinctures are alcohol-based and my brain has figured that out, i'm afraid. three doses a day max, going forward.
i want something from my therapist. but i'm not sure what. his eyes got big when i said this, yesterday. he's excited to hear what it might be. he says that i am in charge of my therapy, and if i don't want to do something, i don't have to. I asked about maybe not doing any "inner child healing" because I don't actually like my inner child and she doesn't like me either, and avoiding revisiting past trauma because it is too painful, and I've done so well up until this point just ignoring it - yes I have memory gaps, yes I disassociate and minimize, but I'm kind of okay with that - the trauma is too severe to process for someone as sensitive as I am. I think my way may be healthier in the long run. I don't want to drown in a puddle of my own tears. I told him the idea of processing past trauma reminded me too much of Artax. (I hate that movie, maybe only because of that scene. I do love Falcor. Maybe it was worth it to have that movie, if only for him.)
anyway. i think what i want is just his perspective. if he can continue to ask me questions about my life and my behaviors and give me a better take on my behaviors and responses to things, i think that would be the most helpful. he's really good at finding ways in which i am terrible to myself, to help me catch and undo those habits, and he's really good at finding good qualities in things that i see as neutral or even annoying. being kinder to myself is the goal, maybe? being at peace with my life as it is now is my desire, i have flashes of this but it's not consistent. and this jittery feeling of lack of fulfillment, like, there's something else i'm supposed to do or know or be that i'm missing - i want to figure out how to boost this a bit - i feel part way there but it could be so much better. i think this is why i keep fantasizing about going back to training for massage or reiki or some sort of healing work. i think i am too sensitive for massage - it's too intimate and private and people (men) would take advantage of me, I fear - but maybe they have training on how to avoid that, too? I dunno.
need to do some work, take a shower, walk the cat, go to the gym, cook some food, do some housework. not feeling super great about all the work i have lined up this week but i will live. it will pay for my trip to los angeles the following week.
