randomly elated morning

was working on folding laundry so this might just be an avoidance or procrastination tool, but i had so many thoughts in my head that i had to come write a bit.

been thinking about my mental health, and how much better i'm feeling this week, how grateful i am for my life and the way i've designed it and the people who are in it. and for my work, where it is now, and thinking about how i had bigger hopes and dreams that i've sort of let get forgotten, and that maybe i need to pick those dreams back up and dust them off and look at them again in a new light?

anyway, one thing regarding the difficulty with so many difficult (for me, not as such) customers last week, is the realization that, like me, i think their need to vent and their pain and their desperation for reassurance and recognition is a part of them that just needs to feel reassured that they are lovable. and i realized while folding laundry and thinking about it, that every single one of my customers are lovable. no matter their struggles or silly behaviors at times, or how caught up they get in minutiae that doesn't really matter. we all do that, and what's nice about recognizing that they are all lovable is that it makes me feel reassured that i am valuable and worthy of love and care, too. i think all of us who experienced abuse as children will always be seeking that reassurance on some level (maybe even people who didn't), and that's okay, and here it is for me, presented so beautifully in the faces of other people. if i can just be kind enough and quiet enough to still my own thoughts and witness them, and hold space for them, and honor their process.

*deep breath*

yeah.

i didn't have time to write my gratitude list yesterday, because tyler called and asked to go hiking. !!! Just when i was feeling a little bit lonely and adrift and wishing for something i had labled "a wednesday boyfriend" in my head lol.

we went to lyle cherry orchard and it was the most spectacular day. we got a good workout and had gentle soothing conversation and ate tasty snax and chatted a lot. he is so wonderful and i just love the way i feel in his presence. he's been so much kinder, lately. maybe i've been easier to tolerate, i dunno. i know i can be a lot for people sometimes.

i can't even believe how beautiful my life is. i feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest. my cute little kitten, long hikes with more wildflowers than one could shake a stick at, amazing friends who are so smart and capable and creative and accomplished and beautiful and fun. sparkly work - that, i think, is not so miniscule as i give myself credit for (my therapist pointed this out for me) - what i do is meaningful, if not in a big world-changing kinda way - in a, little soft ripples that extend further than we usually realize, kinda way.

...

just went and did a bunch of chores, and Josh needed to talk. such a sweetie.

i think i'm super high on coffeeeeeee lol.

i crumbled feta for josh to have ready for his salads later, and i cooked him sprouted broccoli with onions and am baking sweet potatoes for us. did all the dishes. wifey things that make me happy.

need to run and shower and get ready for werk, looking forward to it, today. and shadowplay tonight.

(i worked really hard to get here. i had a lot of help. that i had to ask for. connections are everything. i'm glad you are here.)