dream of death.

I had this really disturbing dream last night that I was mortally ill and trying to get help and was in this clinic that wasn't helping me, and found this nurse and was trying to get care, and then gradually I realized that I was not in my body anymore, and this nurse could see dead people and was being just kind of politely dismissive, putting me off until I figured it out. once I realized I couldn't find or get back into my body, part of me kept wanting to look for it, so I hung around the clinic for a couple more days. There were people who could see me and people who couldn't. Most animals could. But they didn't care, nobody cares about you when you're not alive. So eventually I sorta kinda tried to thank the nurse for being nice-ish or at least not mean about it, and then sorta tried to figure out what to do in this situation. at some point i said to someone, if this is being dead, it's not that bad. i still had access to my memories and felt a connection to the world, i just couldn't *do* anything anymore. except sorta wander around. i felt like i was sort of half ghost, half faery? i had sort of a glow. but i don't remember wings or being able to fly. there was no pressure or temperature or sensation. I had the best time in nature, where small children would actually converse with me, and animals didn't seem bothered and would interact with me a little bit, too. one small girl said she liked my hair. which was heartwarming because i've always hated my hair, i guess my ghost hair was nicer? subconscious minds are so weird. there was an underlying dread of not being alive and figuring out how to deal with that, but it wasn't suffocating or anything. there wasn't anything to be done, but just kind of float meaninglessly. not that much different than life i guess.

(I don't actually believe in ghosts or an afterlife of any kind, I believe in oblivion, it's the only thing that makes sense. It's what gives my life value and meaning and urgency. But if there were a transitional ghosty period, that wouldn't be horrible, I guess. It makes zero sense though. How could anyone have memories without a brain. I've seen what defective brains do to memory up close and personal, for looooong periods of time. Imagine what the entire absence of a brain would do. I mean just think about it for two seconds. There is no other answer. There is nothing after death. It's scary but why lie to yourself. That just makes it worse.)

(no subject)

I think I might need to vent a little before I can move on from my day, but I kind of don't want to vent because I'm still really upset.

Two upsetting medical things happened this morning, back to back.

First, I got my results back about the infection I've been struggling with, and it turns out that yes, after the culture, it is indeed a strain that is resistant to the medication they put me on.

The direction is to try an over the counter treatment that costs very little and is non-toxic.

This option was freely available to me, but I didn't know about it, when I had my original infection, back in mid-September.

Why wasn't it recommended to me then?

Instead I am left on a medication that doesn't work, having to pay hundreds of dollars for multiple exams and screenings, in severe discomfort, unable to sleep, exercise, or be intimate with my husband for over a month.

Because? Doctors in the US don't get paid if they don't write prescriptions.

Fortunately for me, one of the girls at the circus gym where I train suggested the same over-the-counter medication to me weeks ago, and I used it, and it worked. I had to figure out treatment on my own, after my second round of prescription medication wasn't working.

What would I do if I didn't happen to complain about it to this acquaintance who had this knowledge? Just languish in illness for weeks. This I'm sure is what happens to most people.

(This is part of why I am so scared to move to a new city - how will I learn things like this if I don't know anyone. But seeing people asleep on the sidewalk under trash next to my apartment is not tolerable either. I feel trapped and scared.)

..

After reading this note from Zoomcare, I went to my regular doctor's appt, unrelated, a followup after the last one when I got estrogen. I got there early, just wanting to get it overwith, but after over half an hour of waiting in a room full of sick people, watching everyone else get called for their appts, I never heard my name, so after waiting for the receptionists to finish talking to one another, I asked if something was wrong. They checked and said, "Oh. You're checked in, but the doctor isn't here today. I'm sorry."

......

I just walked out.

This is after I waited 6 weeks for this appointment, to ask about the ovary pain that was caused by the estrogen I was given.

This was after my messages requesting a referral to the foot and ankle clinic were ignored.

This is not the first time this doctor has canceled on me, but this is the first time they let me wait around in the waiting room for her when she wasn't even there.

What in the actual fuck.

Anyway.

I guess this is the final last straw to go find a new clinic. I went back here giving it another try, after feeling traumatized after my initial foot injury, two years ago, that I am still suffering from, when I couldn't walk, and they wouldn't help me. (Our first appointment is in two weeks.)

I want to see if any hospitals that accept my insurance offer primary care, so that if I do have an emergency in the future, at least there will be someone who can give/rent/sell/lend me a set of crutches if I can't walk. Or if I need something else that I am not thinking of right now.

This was my childhood clinic, so it's been hard to move on. But I tried the telehealth doctor for two years and got the run-around from him recently, too - not giving the referral I wanted and refusing to give me hormone treatment that he promised he would offer me if I asked, whenever I was ready.

But maybe my childhood clinic letting me down is just another sign that I need to leave the city entirely.

I keep having dreams in which I am dead and no one cares.

Maybe in a new place, I could meet new people, who are not quite so heartless. Or not. Who knows. But I feel like I should try.

...

I don't feel any better after writing.

Not sure how to move on with the rest of my day. I have tried meditations and halloween music and eating way too much food and chocolate and coffee. nothing is working. I have a painful rock in my stomach and a tightness in my chest that won't let go. Everything feels so awful.