pushing through the pouring rain to sunshine

finishing up morning coffee. I feel like such a slacker, Josh is working on big fancy business calls in a crisp white shirt and I'm just hanging out with my cat in a hoodie, heh.

Need to henna my hair, go to silks, and then hopefully finish at least the first draft of my taxes spreadsheet. I'm almost there. Inventory is the hardest part for me, it just doesn't make sense in my brain but I think I set myself up for better success this year, after figuring out some stuff last year that I hadn't understood before - we'll see.

In some ways my brain seems to be getting better. Even though menopause makes clear thinking really difficult much of the time. I can focus on hard tasks and problem-solve better than I could years ago, that is hopeful.

Had a really nice session with my therapist, we reflected on some areas of progress - I am more consistently washing my face and brushing my teeth at night, I shower slightly more often (still not enough but better), I am much better at cleaning and housework, all things I had hoped and worked hard to improve.

We have reflected the past two sessions on the type of therapy we are doing. This is long-haul long-term healing, and I realized that it is much more like training to be an athlete. You have to work really diligently, push through even on hard days, accept that there will be set-backs and that progress is gradual. I think our society has this unhealthy concept that problems are solved in an instant and forever, including psychological trauma. Well, the sort of trauma I have is long term and chronic trauma that happened throughout childhood and adolescence to my developing brain, so it only makes sense that healing from cPTSD would also take a long time. You don't just wake up one day and realize how to be mentally healthy, after a lifetime of poorly constructed coping mechanisms and not knowing anything different.

It also makes sense why so few people tackle this sort of therapy - the same reason so few people become athletes - not only is it invisible, thankless work with no real accomplishments or end points to check off (other than vague, hey, my home seems slightly cleaner or cool, I'm less freaked out about my student loan type accomplishments), it's constant hard work. It takes a level of discipline and belief in the value of it that I just don't see most people having.

But, I have an ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score of 6 - people with a score of 6 have a 20 year lower mortality rate than people with a score of zero. I need to do this work if I want to live past age 60. I don't always feel like I am worth so much effort, but I am still trying.

...

I am super sad that I have to quit my bellydance class. It was fun, but it hurt my foot really badly, last night. Everything was up on relevé, and I cannot weight my foot when my heel is raised, let alone dance around on the ball of my foot for an hour. I have to avoid this position and this movement. At the beginning of class last night I thought, "I'll just not lift my heel," but it was totally impossible to do any of the moves without the heel raise. So, after a couple of hours of rest at home afterward, my foot started throbbing and has not stopped. It hasn't hurt this much in months. I asked for a refund for the last 3 classes I signed up for in March. They were only $20 each so not a terrible thing if they say no, but there is a 7 day refund policy according to their page so we'll see. It would be nice to get refunded. I am so sad about this.

Timo's band is playing at Coffin on Friday night and we leave Saturday morning for 4 days of hiking and sunbathing and hottubbing in Joshua Tree. I am much excite. I cannot wait for REAL sunshine and vitamin D - I recently read a study that claims that vitamin D directly from sunshine behaves differently in the body than supplemented vitamin D, which totally makes sense to me, the way my heart races and my body reacts like a starved flower when I enter into an actual sunny environment. I really should consider relocating to SoCal. Maybe after Josh's parents are gone. His mom is in the hospital today, so sad, he is so stressed. Fortunately Heather, Josh's sister, has been living with them so she can help. I feel more sympathy and less afraid of his sister (and parents), lately. I am learning to be less fearful and more accepting in general. My ego is softening. Part of turning 50 is just so humbling. Being in pain all the time and being older is so humbling. I am not so important. What is important is love and kindness, comfort and support.

It is pouring pouring pouring outside. Really good day to buckle down and finish taxes.

injuries and resilience

ugh what a bunch of drama. Today started off so well. But Joshter injured his leg at racquetball and I had to run and go buy him a set of crutches before the drug store closed - this was something I had mentioned that we should just own anyway, just a week or two ago, so kind of funny timing, but anyway. I got home and adjusted them for him and he is crutching around fine, now. But he can't weight his dominant (left) leg at all.

I drew him a peppermint epsom salt bath (thank you, past me for cleaning the tub recently) and since he was a bit preoccupied with the whole not being able to walk thing, he left the door to his bedroom open and Avalanche pulled down his spider plant and broke the pot. So while Josh soaked in the bath for half an hour, I went and got a large pot and potting soil out of storage and re-potted his plant and swept and threw away the dirt and broken pot bits that were all over the floor. Avalanche was put in time out in my room for the half an hour Josh was in the bath, between the candles I lit for him and trying to clean up her mess, I didn't want to try to keep track of her at all until everything was fixed. She only cried once.

That spider plant is going to get huge in its new giant pot, lol.

All better now finally but jeez. There is not enough tea in the world. My head hurts.

I think I might be finished with inventory, which is the hardest part of my taxes. Almost there. Just a few odds and ends to tie up and I can start researching which software to use. Josh will help me.

Our Joshua Tree trip is Saturday. Our activities are going to be wildly different. I may make reservations at the fancy restaurant afterall - we were going to forego it for walking around the area instead, at the Palm Springs aerial tram thingie, but uh, might be nice to be able to sit, lol.

Poor thing.

Finally managed to dye my hair this morning, and shower, things I was way behind on, did some silks, did some work, and got a fair amount of progress made on my taxes. Despite the pouring rain it was a really fun, productive day in a lot of ways.

I am glad that we simply own a set of crutches, now. I don't know why I didn't just buy them for myself when I hurt my foot two years ago and couldn't walk, that was such a horrible day, trying to find a pair to borrow, it seemed too extravagant to spend $60 on a set of crutches I only intended to use four or five days maximum. In retrospect, what was I thinking? I was in so much agony and just wanted to be able to walk, totally worth the money to just get them. sigh. I know better now, at least, and Josh can reap the benefits of me learning from my mistakes.

His mom is in the hospital and he's so stressed about it, her back pain has become unmanageable and she has opted for a questionable surgical procedure and we are all nervous. I am hoping that I can go over to her place to keep her company while she is recovering, if she wants to teach me Mahjong. Since I loved Rummikub I imagine I will love this game, too, as it's also tiles and the same general concept, but slightly more complicated. I think I'll enjoy the Chinese symbols and the fact that it changes every year. With the Chinese new year I bet?

Where is my tea. My head is throbbing. I absolutely love this tea, though, I am so happy to have been gifted it by a customer a couple of christmases ago. I am a lucky fairy, in the grand scheme of things.

(It is called Mama Dragon and it is by Dryad Tea, it is a very simple blend of licorice root, spearmint, and peppermint, and it is perfection.)

What a magical life I have led, so far. What fun I've been able to discover and create. I am glad to be able to be of some help to my husband when he is injured. Maybe I'll make him some comfort pizza tomorrow.

I shared a little bit of my hand-whipped whipped cream with Avalanche earlier, I make this for my tea in the evenings sometimes. She tasted it curiously, and then purred while she licked it off the spoon. Soooooo cute.

PS

I resisted Chappell Roan forever and I eventually fell for her. I'm not sold on the clown makeup as I have some squicky feels about people being weird just to copy something they find novel rather than authentically expressing something within themselves, and I can't tell what her motivation is, does she feel she is a clown? Is this just what she likes? But, I decided ikc and she is great regardless. Gaga did the same thing and I was not sure what to make of her at first, either (that bacon dress, anybody remember?). Her voice and energy are wonderful and weirdness is good, as long as she's not making fun of us, or treating us as if we are costumes. We're all allowed to try on different things to see what feels like fits us the best, in that moment. Only love.

Watch on YouTube

(I also literally moved to SoCal before grad school and worked as a server and started dancing at a club in West Hollywood in search of myself, in my early 20s, so, this resonates with baby sera very much.)