I want to do laundry and go out into the sun.

Just wanted to come vent for a moment, to center and remind myself that none of this will matter in a few days, maybe even a few hours, even though I feel worked up and spun out about it right now.

I'm in a bit of a pain flare, which is really frustrating because I was really excited to have an afternoon to catch up on housework, but now I hurt too much to sweep. I'm hoping the anti-inflammatory lunch helps soothe the pain a bit, I feel slightly better already - we'll see.

Josh's mom fell and is in the hospital. She is okay, but she messed up her face pretty good and had to get a CAT scan to make sure her head is okay, poor thing. Josh wants me to go to the hospital with him in an hour, I am exhausted from spending all weekend with him and being dragged into his hs reunion which was absolute hell for me, I still have not recovered. I am not mad at him about it but I am getting to the end of my rope with my life being all about The Josh Show.

He takes really good care of me, it's okay, I can be supportive when he needs it, I will be fine. I just need to center and breathe. His mom is wonderful and deserves care and attention. It'll be okay. I am just in extra physical and emotional pain right now.

Emotional pain because I just had to engage with a customer who has stood me up for appointments repeatedly and despite blocking her on my booking app, she somehow managed to book another appointment with me this Thursday. So I had to directly confront her about standing me up and providing invalid cards for the no-show fees both times, and had to tell her that if she doesn't pay for the no-show fees for the two previously missed appointments, I will cancel her appt on Thursday (which at this late stage will not get re-booked so I lose even more income). It SUCKS, but I'm really grateful this kind of thing happens very rarely. This is a person with a very sweet aura but surrounds herself with toxic people and has set up a pretty hard life for herself. I feel for her, but it is also not my fault, and I do not want to continue to pay for her mistakes. I fear the directness and my insistence that she pay the no-show fees before seeing me Thursday will end our relationship *and* cause her to spew vitriol at me - I mean, who would want to get services from someone who just called you out for stiffing them repeatedly in the past - so now I am afraid to look at my phone, which has been on silent mode for several days, for other reasons. I will deal with it when I feel more calm.

...

I'm also down because only one person scheduled an appt with me today, it is unusual and upsetting when this happens. Today I am grateful because my body hurts, but I am also anxious for the future because I need more consistent income, especially if we are going to try to move out of this uncomfortable apartment situation.

.

Not to mention the horrific political climate and wars and whatever else is happening.

And it's SUCH a beautiful day, it just all feels like such a waste.

I've been grappling with the cruelty of this world the last couple of days and trying not to let it drag me down. Social media has lovely things, but unfortunately the algorithms KEEP sending me videos and photos of abused or distressed animals, because a) it knows I love animals and b) I can only assume most people love watching these things because most humans can tolerate levels of negative stimulus that I cannot, as an HSP. So those videos get all the clicks and get pushed the most and I HATE IT. I don't watch them, but I can't avoid the glimpse before I either scroll past it in a rush or hide it some other way. I don't want to leave social media but I am so sick of seeing this. And then it makes me think, well, am I cruel for loving eagles, as they tear apart fish after fish all day long and isn't that kind of awful, too? Poor fish. The way life preys on other life. I wish it wasn't so.

I think I'm just feeling extra sensitive right now because I am in pain. I am afraid for my future. I already have back problems and feet problems and hand problems and I am only 50. What is my life going to look like when I'm Josh's mom's age, if I even reach my 70s at all. :(

...

Josh just came home with a store-bought bouquet of flowers for his mom that are half molded, poor guy, he didn't notice when he bought them, he asked me for help, "I hope we have a vase." We don't, but I found a jar that works - but I could not put them in water like that - so I just spent 20 minutes cleaning them up and picking out the un-molded flowers (carnations). So it's like half the size he bought now, sigh. He just announced that I don't have to go to the hospital with him, his sister will be there, so now I'm grappling with whether to go or not, I feel like I should go show support for his mom, but also UGH. :(

I just feel sick over all of it right now. Poor moldy flowers. Josh's poor mom. :(

I know things will feel much better tomorrow, or even in a couple of hours. Life is just painful sometimes. I want to do laundry but I feel like maybe I should just lie down and rest my hip, I don't know what to do. Sleeping seemed to hurt it, last night, so maybe resting is a terrible idea. Every option seems painful. That is just life sometimes I guess.

I am scared about my low white blood cell count and low alkaline phosphatase, I see my doctor (online) Wednesday, erf.

Maybe I will run away to Lolo pass tomorrow and finally find some bear grass.

focusing on gentleness and grace

In happier news, Josh and I hiked Lyle Cherry Orchard yesterday and saw the burn area from the Rowena fire and it does not look bad at all, I'm sure there are sections we can't see and I did see some homes burned which is very sad, but for the most part the Gorge looks the same, it was not nearly as bad as the 2017 fires, and Rowena Crest, with the hike and wildflowers, are all okay. Just to the east of it is not, but maybe because it was so early in the season, the fire sort of zigzagged and big swaths of land are untouched, and many of the mature trees in the burn areas seem okay, it looks like mostly underbrush that got damaged.

The hike was beautiful and Josh was very happy.

(I would have rather been on Dog Mountain, but that's okay.)

We also saw the brush fire areas on hwy 14 on the way home, they were small (both were 50 or less acres) and won't leave big scars either. So relieved.

I let that customer altercation mess up my entire day, but I don't see the point of beating myself up about it. In retrospect, the whole thing would have gone much better if I had just confronted her the first time her card got declined, or the second time, instead of just hoping blocking her would keep her from coming back. This is the first time I've ever used the block feature though, so there was no way for me to know it wouldn't work. A good learning experience, I just wish I had the emotional regulation to not let it effect my entire day like that. I stress ate candy and cookies and dove into hours of youtube rabbit holes to distract from the unbearable anxiety, and avoided my phone for the entire day. I missed all the sunshine and the chance to do laundry or catch up on the website. The messages she sent back were not unkind, but she did try to say she never canceled on me, when I have text evidence of exactly that happening. So that kind of sucks, but she's just confused and as I said before, her life is hard, but she's not being mean about it, and I'm grateful for that. But she is trying to avoid responsibility, or is maybe just overwhelmed/confused, life can be like that. I might refer her to other sparklers who cost less in the morning, that might be my best option in this scenario, since she is saying she can't afford to pay late fees and even the sparkles are a stretch for her financially. guh. I don't like the idea of giving my competition more business but I dunno what else to do. I get it - a lot of us are struggling. Me too. But I can't let people take advantage of me, even by mistake, if it happens more than once. I'm past that phase of my life, I hope.

The woes of service work. It'll be okay, I'll feel much better tomorrow. Maybe I can go see bear grass, or if I'm still in pain, stay home and do some gentle self-care.

It's fine to lose a day here and there, it happens, life can't always be productive, some days are just duds. I'll recover. There is lots to look forward to.