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November blues.
Nov. 2nd, 2025 02:56 pmcrashed super hard after my halloween high. this is expected, anytime I am happy, but I hit a bit harder than usual. I think all of the unknowns with my breast problem (will they take the whole thing? both of them? or just cut a little? or will I have a non-surgical option - guessing this is unlikely as my referral is with an oncology surgeon), along with just hating to move - I am glad to leave this apartment but the new house is so far away, I don't like that part of the city at all, I know I can find things to not hate but it's just a sickening feeling to realize I have to live there, I will have to drive through that every day for the next 10-20 years at least, oof. It will not be sickening overall, I will get used to it and the house it self and our neighbors are lovely, it'll be fine, it's just so hard not to spin out about all the bad stuff, right now. there is a bunch of damage to the siding right now, post-roofing, and the roofers aren't responding to my messages? I realize it's Sunday. I think they are finishing up tomorrow and I don't know, I guess we will have to paint the sections of siding they cut off and replaced with bare siding that doesn't match the house? I was not expecting that. :(
On the plus side, somehow my porch spider friend is still there. I thought for sure they would murder her. I'm glad to still have her. I hope Josh's parents don't try to kill her as a favor to me. (I like Josh's parents and they would only do this out of well-intentioned kindness, but they spray their yard for bugs 2x a month, something I find abhorrent, environmentally, but hold my tongue about.)
I wasn't able to work yesterday and I am still not able to, so far, today, I really need to get my appointments opened but after last week I am dreading it so much. Tomorrow is going to be so hard. Two new people and one disabled one so I will have to set up downstairs for her, and then re-set everything halfway between the other clients. I am already tired tomorrow.
Cynthia and Derrick invited us over for dinner and I wanted to bake pie and cookies but seriously right now all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry.
It is the *prettiest* day outside today. There are good things. It's just hard to enjoy them in this condition.
We had a really beautiful birthday brunch with Josh's parents, to celebrate his mom's birthday. I sparkled her hair. They gave us a big table. It was really fun. We have lots of leftovers.
I am not hungry and have been eating anyway. I am allowing this. There are worse things. Mostly it's been fruit. And some chocolate pretzels (not too many). I'm just... still full from brunch and have no business eating more at all. It's okay.
I just want this week to be over. I have to meet with rat people, figure out how to keep Avalanche safe from the high ledges in the house before we move her over, set up cable internet, find help for the crawlspace before it gets soaked and rat infested (if it isn't already), I have to take another orange cone to the house after dinner tonight because the one I left last week already went missing? (No reply from the movers about this.) I guess I have to write my address and DO NOT MOVE on the cone, this time.
I will need to rent a carpet shampooer since Josh is hiring movers and their muddy boots will be tracking all over the fully carpeted house. Have I mentioned how much I hate carpet. We will rip it all out some time in the next five years, whenever we've saved up enough to do so.
I really wasn't planning to be a homeowner. I hope it doesn't feel so awful all winter. I hope I can adjust. I don't have a choice, I guess. It's all just really overwhelming.
I am grateful for my husband, for his parents, for my job, grateful to have a place to live, even if it is expensive and stressful to make it work.
I am dreading telling the step-fam I am not coming for Thanksgiving. I just. Don't want to go. It feels terrible to not go. It feels terrible to go. There is no winning. My step-dad stole from my mom, while she was sick and disabled. He stole from my brother. He indirectly stole from me (did not repay debt, took money that could have been used to help care for mom before she died. He even kept the spousal death credit after he abandoned her at her time of most need and lied to me about having divorced her before she died). They all act like this didn't happen, and/or like all should be forgiven anyway, because "we are family." I can't play along with this anymore.
On the plus side, somehow my porch spider friend is still there. I thought for sure they would murder her. I'm glad to still have her. I hope Josh's parents don't try to kill her as a favor to me. (I like Josh's parents and they would only do this out of well-intentioned kindness, but they spray their yard for bugs 2x a month, something I find abhorrent, environmentally, but hold my tongue about.)
I wasn't able to work yesterday and I am still not able to, so far, today, I really need to get my appointments opened but after last week I am dreading it so much. Tomorrow is going to be so hard. Two new people and one disabled one so I will have to set up downstairs for her, and then re-set everything halfway between the other clients. I am already tired tomorrow.
Cynthia and Derrick invited us over for dinner and I wanted to bake pie and cookies but seriously right now all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry.
It is the *prettiest* day outside today. There are good things. It's just hard to enjoy them in this condition.
We had a really beautiful birthday brunch with Josh's parents, to celebrate his mom's birthday. I sparkled her hair. They gave us a big table. It was really fun. We have lots of leftovers.
I am not hungry and have been eating anyway. I am allowing this. There are worse things. Mostly it's been fruit. And some chocolate pretzels (not too many). I'm just... still full from brunch and have no business eating more at all. It's okay.
I just want this week to be over. I have to meet with rat people, figure out how to keep Avalanche safe from the high ledges in the house before we move her over, set up cable internet, find help for the crawlspace before it gets soaked and rat infested (if it isn't already), I have to take another orange cone to the house after dinner tonight because the one I left last week already went missing? (No reply from the movers about this.) I guess I have to write my address and DO NOT MOVE on the cone, this time.
I will need to rent a carpet shampooer since Josh is hiring movers and their muddy boots will be tracking all over the fully carpeted house. Have I mentioned how much I hate carpet. We will rip it all out some time in the next five years, whenever we've saved up enough to do so.
I really wasn't planning to be a homeowner. I hope it doesn't feel so awful all winter. I hope I can adjust. I don't have a choice, I guess. It's all just really overwhelming.
I am grateful for my husband, for his parents, for my job, grateful to have a place to live, even if it is expensive and stressful to make it work.
I am dreading telling the step-fam I am not coming for Thanksgiving. I just. Don't want to go. It feels terrible to not go. It feels terrible to go. There is no winning. My step-dad stole from my mom, while she was sick and disabled. He stole from my brother. He indirectly stole from me (did not repay debt, took money that could have been used to help care for mom before she died. He even kept the spousal death credit after he abandoned her at her time of most need and lied to me about having divorced her before she died). They all act like this didn't happen, and/or like all should be forgiven anyway, because "we are family." I can't play along with this anymore.
