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Yesterday was hard but progressively got better as it went along. Did an order, messaged some customers, Josh was able to get away from work at 1pm so we took a long bike ride in the chilled sun together. I was definitely in a pain flare - I think whatever causes my depression to ramp up like that also causes my arthritis to flare, and my incision was bothering me a lot yesterday. But we rode anyway, a gentle, flat ride, exploring a nearby trail, and it was nice. We saw lots of ducks, a couple different kinds, and I saw a kingfisher, not something I ever expected to see in an urban setting. In a park, we saw some people staring into the trees and I could just make out two heads of a pair of bald eagles, when I scanned that direction.
We had a nice break at the coffee shop and Josh showed me where the library was. I got a card and checked out a best seller called How to Keep House While Drowning, he picked up a finance book, wet laughed about leaning hard into our gender roles. We rode home peacefully together.
…
One thing that really helped was a grief meditation after the bike ride. I realized that the weight of losses is confusing because the worst ones are on the surface, but there are deep layers of loss of loved ones that go back to losing my beloved ice skating coach, who was like a second mother to me, in my 30s, that was also basically equivalent to losing ice skating in a way, because even though I kept skating up until my foot quit tolerating it three years ago, I never enjoyed it, after she died. Also an ice dance partner, and some older ladies I knew from coffee club, each loss matters and I don’t get a chance to process them because of losing mom in such a rough way, and losing Madoc so suddenly.
The meditation helped me to feel grateful for the time we did have together, to think about the richness of connection I’ve enjoyed over the years, and also to shed a lot of tears, which really helps my body to heal when I’m in a pain flare. It’s a bit of a cheat and I’m so grateful for the relief.
I’m learning that I really need to set aside time to do this periodically, or I just slowly grind to a halt and can’t function. The meditation said grief is like water, if you try to hold it back, it creates pressure and will eventually break through whatever is holding it. Learning how to open a valve is really helping. Marc’ maybe this will form into a regular habit, a dike or swail that can protect me from collapsing so often.
…
I got up and made us a really nice dinner of sourdough noodle pasta with organic tomato sauce, farmers market steak, and baby greens and grape tomatoes, and I made us garlic toast with fresh pressed garlic and fresh chopped rosemary.
Josh asked me to find us a movie for staying in for New Years with the cats, and I got online and built a list and we ended up choosing Knives Out, since Wake Up Dead Man was not available to rent yet and Josh had never seen Knives Out (I saw it and also Glass Onion but the latter wasn't as good). I forgot how much fun it is, we really enjoyed watching that movie. He misses certain very subtle cues that I was able to point out. My favorite that I'm sure most people do catch is how the husband of the victim's daughter is trying to use Marta, the victim's latinx nurse, to back him up on defending immigrant rights to come there legally, but in the middle of his political rant, literally hands her an empty plate absent-mindedly. Marta is not a servant, she's a nurse. (the more obvious racist joke is that every family member tells the police she's from a different latin country - none of them actually know where she's from.) Josh also forgot about Harlan's comment that people nowadays don't know the difference between a prop knife and a real one. (This was called back near the end of the movie.)
We were in bed by 11:45, falling asleep to distant fireworks.
We're doing New Year's brunch at our favorite restaurant, which we live right around the corner from now, Natasha will join us, I will try to get Cynthia and Derrick to come but they never do. Maybe this could be an exception I dunno.
Missed my lookout tower attempt this morning, sad about it. It would have been for Tyler's birthday. I can try again for the 3rd at Acorn Woman, we'll see if that might pan out.
Off to care for the kitties and watch the sunrise. Rainy today.
Happy New Year!
We had a nice break at the coffee shop and Josh showed me where the library was. I got a card and checked out a best seller called How to Keep House While Drowning, he picked up a finance book, wet laughed about leaning hard into our gender roles. We rode home peacefully together.
…
One thing that really helped was a grief meditation after the bike ride. I realized that the weight of losses is confusing because the worst ones are on the surface, but there are deep layers of loss of loved ones that go back to losing my beloved ice skating coach, who was like a second mother to me, in my 30s, that was also basically equivalent to losing ice skating in a way, because even though I kept skating up until my foot quit tolerating it three years ago, I never enjoyed it, after she died. Also an ice dance partner, and some older ladies I knew from coffee club, each loss matters and I don’t get a chance to process them because of losing mom in such a rough way, and losing Madoc so suddenly.
The meditation helped me to feel grateful for the time we did have together, to think about the richness of connection I’ve enjoyed over the years, and also to shed a lot of tears, which really helps my body to heal when I’m in a pain flare. It’s a bit of a cheat and I’m so grateful for the relief.
I’m learning that I really need to set aside time to do this periodically, or I just slowly grind to a halt and can’t function. The meditation said grief is like water, if you try to hold it back, it creates pressure and will eventually break through whatever is holding it. Learning how to open a valve is really helping. Marc’ maybe this will form into a regular habit, a dike or swail that can protect me from collapsing so often.
…
I got up and made us a really nice dinner of sourdough noodle pasta with organic tomato sauce, farmers market steak, and baby greens and grape tomatoes, and I made us garlic toast with fresh pressed garlic and fresh chopped rosemary.
Josh asked me to find us a movie for staying in for New Years with the cats, and I got online and built a list and we ended up choosing Knives Out, since Wake Up Dead Man was not available to rent yet and Josh had never seen Knives Out (I saw it and also Glass Onion but the latter wasn't as good). I forgot how much fun it is, we really enjoyed watching that movie. He misses certain very subtle cues that I was able to point out. My favorite that I'm sure most people do catch is how the husband of the victim's daughter is trying to use Marta, the victim's latinx nurse, to back him up on defending immigrant rights to come there legally, but in the middle of his political rant, literally hands her an empty plate absent-mindedly. Marta is not a servant, she's a nurse. (the more obvious racist joke is that every family member tells the police she's from a different latin country - none of them actually know where she's from.) Josh also forgot about Harlan's comment that people nowadays don't know the difference between a prop knife and a real one. (This was called back near the end of the movie.)
We were in bed by 11:45, falling asleep to distant fireworks.
We're doing New Year's brunch at our favorite restaurant, which we live right around the corner from now, Natasha will join us, I will try to get Cynthia and Derrick to come but they never do. Maybe this could be an exception I dunno.
Missed my lookout tower attempt this morning, sad about it. It would have been for Tyler's birthday. I can try again for the 3rd at Acorn Woman, we'll see if that might pan out.
Off to care for the kitties and watch the sunrise. Rainy today.
Happy New Year!
