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shadow work
Jan. 29th, 2026 09:30 amneed to jump in the shower and head to work, last night I felt soooooooo awful but as usual morning is better, despite the barrage of nightmares. I had this conversation with myself, "why do you even go there?" and my brain going, "I'm as helpless in this as you are; we're just along for the ride, sorry" lol. thoughts do not feel like mine, very often at all. including these journal entries, a lot of the time.
feelings feel a little more like mine. but even then. depression can feel so alien at times, and then other times like the truest thing there is. i dunno.
...
had the realization at some point that however tormented i will continue to feel about my mom's death and my messed up relationship with her, and all the guilt and shame i feel around that, the guilt and shame i feel around all the stuff in my garage that was left behind, and all the stuff that was lost, and so on and so on.... regardless of any of that, i'm pretty sure my mom would not want to be remembered as a source of constant pain. i need to reframe my memories of her.
i had to do this with a cat i lost in a painful way (painful for him). to force myself to put my thoughts back to all the good times we had together, that were not erased by a few hours of suffering. i don't want to let them be erased by that.
i should not erase my mom's memory with her years of suffering, either. there was so much good and inspiring and joyful and brilliant about her life. i don't want to let that all be overshadowed forever.
i did a good job of this the first year she was gone, celebrating, acknowledging, telling anyone who would listen about how wonderful she was, but the painful stuff came barreling over me and i haven't been able to recover. need to work on this again, I think.
...
Got some bills paid, got some messages returned and some other admin stuff done, web stuffs, busybusy. I canceled my PT at OHSU as after the year's insurance reset the visits cost $265 and that's too much. He's given me some good stuff to work with, and I can go back to him if I need to, I will work with what he's given me on my own for a while and see how it goes.
I'm sure my consult today will be several hundred dollars just to be told 'yep your boob is screwed up, sorry.' :(
...
Shadowplay tonight, hopefully, can dance out some of the frustration. dance off the rainy day blues. My current song obsession is still Pound of Flesh by ESA (Electronic Substance Abuse), I cannot get enough of this raunchy hard hitting thing.
I am fighting off the depression slump tooth and nail, I've never seen me fight so hard tbh. Still getting my dose of morning sunlight despite the rain, taking my collagen, eating well (aside from way too much peanut butter yesterday, an indulgence I'm only allowed when Josh is away but I went too far, oops), let's see if I can do vitamins today. I am sleeping, I am not torturing myself with bad thoughts even though they arise, I haven't kept up on grooming but I'm not beating myself up about it (and I'm taking a shower this morning, huge for me in this state), I'm attending to Avalanche fully, resting when I need to, not beating myself up about downtime, or piles of laundry, it's okay, it's okay, I'll get there. I am still working. Still doing basic chores. Not socializing enough but that's okay too, it's a time to cocoon and heal I think, the sorrow gets really heavy in January, the month I lost both of my parents (19 years apart).
...
Hope Josh is staying warm in the Grand Canyon today. He's a trooper, he'll be all right. I hope it's okay that I didn't join him. Next time! I need more training, I am still not quite entirely recovered from the surgery break. Almost. Dog Mountain was glorious Tuesday. My legs still hurt and it was totally worth it. I should share some photos later.
feelings feel a little more like mine. but even then. depression can feel so alien at times, and then other times like the truest thing there is. i dunno.
...
had the realization at some point that however tormented i will continue to feel about my mom's death and my messed up relationship with her, and all the guilt and shame i feel around that, the guilt and shame i feel around all the stuff in my garage that was left behind, and all the stuff that was lost, and so on and so on.... regardless of any of that, i'm pretty sure my mom would not want to be remembered as a source of constant pain. i need to reframe my memories of her.
i had to do this with a cat i lost in a painful way (painful for him). to force myself to put my thoughts back to all the good times we had together, that were not erased by a few hours of suffering. i don't want to let them be erased by that.
i should not erase my mom's memory with her years of suffering, either. there was so much good and inspiring and joyful and brilliant about her life. i don't want to let that all be overshadowed forever.
i did a good job of this the first year she was gone, celebrating, acknowledging, telling anyone who would listen about how wonderful she was, but the painful stuff came barreling over me and i haven't been able to recover. need to work on this again, I think.
...
Got some bills paid, got some messages returned and some other admin stuff done, web stuffs, busybusy. I canceled my PT at OHSU as after the year's insurance reset the visits cost $265 and that's too much. He's given me some good stuff to work with, and I can go back to him if I need to, I will work with what he's given me on my own for a while and see how it goes.
I'm sure my consult today will be several hundred dollars just to be told 'yep your boob is screwed up, sorry.' :(
...
Shadowplay tonight, hopefully, can dance out some of the frustration. dance off the rainy day blues. My current song obsession is still Pound of Flesh by ESA (Electronic Substance Abuse), I cannot get enough of this raunchy hard hitting thing.
I am fighting off the depression slump tooth and nail, I've never seen me fight so hard tbh. Still getting my dose of morning sunlight despite the rain, taking my collagen, eating well (aside from way too much peanut butter yesterday, an indulgence I'm only allowed when Josh is away but I went too far, oops), let's see if I can do vitamins today. I am sleeping, I am not torturing myself with bad thoughts even though they arise, I haven't kept up on grooming but I'm not beating myself up about it (and I'm taking a shower this morning, huge for me in this state), I'm attending to Avalanche fully, resting when I need to, not beating myself up about downtime, or piles of laundry, it's okay, it's okay, I'll get there. I am still working. Still doing basic chores. Not socializing enough but that's okay too, it's a time to cocoon and heal I think, the sorrow gets really heavy in January, the month I lost both of my parents (19 years apart).
...
Hope Josh is staying warm in the Grand Canyon today. He's a trooper, he'll be all right. I hope it's okay that I didn't join him. Next time! I need more training, I am still not quite entirely recovered from the surgery break. Almost. Dog Mountain was glorious Tuesday. My legs still hurt and it was totally worth it. I should share some photos later.
