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ice skater forever.
Feb. 24th, 2026 10:16 amVery very revived from the trip to the coast with Josh and Tyler. I will write about that in a moment.
But wanted to reflect on something from late last night.
I re-shared and old video of me skating at Sun Valley on insta, with the caption that it's been fun to be the go-to person in my friends circle for ice skating questions the past week or so. I'm the only formerly competitive ice skater most of my friends/family know.
But this thing happened, where, as I was going through all the old videos, I saw this beeeaaaauuutiful skater with these incredible lines and lovely skills, and it was such a stark mis-match to what was going on in my head every time I was on the ice.
Every single time I skated, from age 35 to when I had to stop a couple years ago (age 35 or so is when I returned after a long hiatus after I had my hip reconstructed in 2003, I had been competitive from age 13-19 and skated from age 10-23 or so), every session on the ice, my head was filled with negative self-talk. Especially: nobody wants to see you skate, there's nothing worth working on, you have nothing to offer to the skating world now, you're too slow and too unskilled to even bother working on a program, etc. etc. etc. I was so ashamed of myself whenever I was on the ice.
I lost most of my skills when my hip was rebuilt. It's embarrassing to go from big moves to sort of dinking around, and having people treat me so differently than when I was an explosive, powerful skater with big jumps and fast spins and high level edging on faster ice dances.
But I still had SUCH an incredible breadth of skill, I looked GREAT. WHY was I so hard on myself? It's sooooooooooo painful to watch those videos now and realize how much I held myself back with all that garbage, that mean self-judgement. I'm so mad at myself and so sad that the creative, expressive part of me wasn't allowed to just play and have fun. I was a BEAUTIFUL skater. I would KILL to be that good ever, ever again.
Now that I'm 50+ and have been off the ice for two years due to arthritis and injury, I know I've permanently lost many more skills that I won't be able to get back no matter how much I rehabilitate myself. Aging just does that.
But. I hope I never tear myself down like that again. Instead I want to focus on how badass and brave it is to get on the ice at all, and how hard I worked for the skills I do have, and how it's right to want to express myself on the ice, and it would be the most lovely thing to create a program and even if nobody else wants to see it, I still do.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
My heart is so broken over this.
But wanted to reflect on something from late last night.
I re-shared and old video of me skating at Sun Valley on insta, with the caption that it's been fun to be the go-to person in my friends circle for ice skating questions the past week or so. I'm the only formerly competitive ice skater most of my friends/family know.
But this thing happened, where, as I was going through all the old videos, I saw this beeeaaaauuutiful skater with these incredible lines and lovely skills, and it was such a stark mis-match to what was going on in my head every time I was on the ice.
Every single time I skated, from age 35 to when I had to stop a couple years ago (age 35 or so is when I returned after a long hiatus after I had my hip reconstructed in 2003, I had been competitive from age 13-19 and skated from age 10-23 or so), every session on the ice, my head was filled with negative self-talk. Especially: nobody wants to see you skate, there's nothing worth working on, you have nothing to offer to the skating world now, you're too slow and too unskilled to even bother working on a program, etc. etc. etc. I was so ashamed of myself whenever I was on the ice.
I lost most of my skills when my hip was rebuilt. It's embarrassing to go from big moves to sort of dinking around, and having people treat me so differently than when I was an explosive, powerful skater with big jumps and fast spins and high level edging on faster ice dances.
But I still had SUCH an incredible breadth of skill, I looked GREAT. WHY was I so hard on myself? It's sooooooooooo painful to watch those videos now and realize how much I held myself back with all that garbage, that mean self-judgement. I'm so mad at myself and so sad that the creative, expressive part of me wasn't allowed to just play and have fun. I was a BEAUTIFUL skater. I would KILL to be that good ever, ever again.
Now that I'm 50+ and have been off the ice for two years due to arthritis and injury, I know I've permanently lost many more skills that I won't be able to get back no matter how much I rehabilitate myself. Aging just does that.
But. I hope I never tear myself down like that again. Instead I want to focus on how badass and brave it is to get on the ice at all, and how hard I worked for the skills I do have, and how it's right to want to express myself on the ice, and it would be the most lovely thing to create a program and even if nobody else wants to see it, I still do.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
My heart is so broken over this.
