dreary soaking dark rainy wet thursday
May. 5th, 2022 04:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryI forgot to bring my rent check to work. Will bring tomorrow, oops.
My day was so weird. I had a no show first, after rushing to get there on time and get set up after the window washing fiasco. This no-show has covid so I can't really in good conscience charge her the no-show fee since I have a covid allowance. sigh.
I also had like four people cancel today for tomorrow, which started to make me feel like maybe I'm in the wrong line of work.
Then I decided to use the extra time to finally open the email from mom's chaplain. He'll be out of town on her birthday so can't be there for our event.
This sent me into a bit of a spiral, trying to brainstorm who to lead us in a prayer, and I started sobbing. Do we even do a prayer? Should that be a private event for just myself and my brother? Should we bring ashes to scatter at the event or is that too somber and personal and we should do that privately? If privately, when? What's appropriate? Why is no one helping me. Why am I the only one who cares. Why do I feel so alone in mourning my mother. Because my mother was once my entire universe, she seemed stronger and bigger and more powerful than an entire planet, to me, and now she's been reduced to literal ash. Like I will be. Like the earth will be as it continues to heat up. It's all just too sad.
Sobbing at work is no good.
I recovered and was able to sparkle the two people who made it in, today. They were delightful. But it was hard and I am tired. I want to sleep for a week. I am stress eating but can't really find the will to stop right now? It's healthy stuff at least but too much of it.
Lunar wants to play but is curled up on my lap instead. I'm grateful that he's compromising, he doesn't always. Maybe he can tell that I'm hurting. My shoulder is flaring, I don't know if I want to go dancing tonight with a bandaid on my face, I suppose I could just wear a mask. I dunno. I feel fat and in pain and gross.
Might need to just take a nap or something. Too many dark emotions.
In brighter news, Bauhaus is playing in town the night before my birthday and one of my favorite people's bands is opening for them, I might just go by myself, I am not close with anyone who is doing things in public and would have any interest in Peter Murphy and David J but omg I have much much interest. Kind of need backup though, I dunno. Maybe Ashe would be my date ha. Although he had a girl with him last time I saw him at Coffin Club.
too drained to catch up on messages. I am so sad.
My day was so weird. I had a no show first, after rushing to get there on time and get set up after the window washing fiasco. This no-show has covid so I can't really in good conscience charge her the no-show fee since I have a covid allowance. sigh.
I also had like four people cancel today for tomorrow, which started to make me feel like maybe I'm in the wrong line of work.
Then I decided to use the extra time to finally open the email from mom's chaplain. He'll be out of town on her birthday so can't be there for our event.
This sent me into a bit of a spiral, trying to brainstorm who to lead us in a prayer, and I started sobbing. Do we even do a prayer? Should that be a private event for just myself and my brother? Should we bring ashes to scatter at the event or is that too somber and personal and we should do that privately? If privately, when? What's appropriate? Why is no one helping me. Why am I the only one who cares. Why do I feel so alone in mourning my mother. Because my mother was once my entire universe, she seemed stronger and bigger and more powerful than an entire planet, to me, and now she's been reduced to literal ash. Like I will be. Like the earth will be as it continues to heat up. It's all just too sad.
Sobbing at work is no good.
I recovered and was able to sparkle the two people who made it in, today. They were delightful. But it was hard and I am tired. I want to sleep for a week. I am stress eating but can't really find the will to stop right now? It's healthy stuff at least but too much of it.
Lunar wants to play but is curled up on my lap instead. I'm grateful that he's compromising, he doesn't always. Maybe he can tell that I'm hurting. My shoulder is flaring, I don't know if I want to go dancing tonight with a bandaid on my face, I suppose I could just wear a mask. I dunno. I feel fat and in pain and gross.
Might need to just take a nap or something. Too many dark emotions.
In brighter news, Bauhaus is playing in town the night before my birthday and one of my favorite people's bands is opening for them, I might just go by myself, I am not close with anyone who is doing things in public and would have any interest in Peter Murphy and David J but omg I have much much interest. Kind of need backup though, I dunno. Maybe Ashe would be my date ha. Although he had a girl with him last time I saw him at Coffin Club.
too drained to catch up on messages. I am so sad.
