serafaery

a really big part of the reason i never wanted to have kids has something to do with never putting a human being through what i've had to go through in trauma, in, loss, and mourning. i mean that's life, sure, but, this happened to me too young, and in a terrible way, an elongated torture that i'll never entirely recover from.

i'm so grateful they repaved this section of the pavement, it was in dire need of it, it was crumbling and had huge divets that collected rainwater and held puddles for days after any rain. i only purchased a "refurbished" legacy bench, for my mom's memorial, but this is all new, and it's honestly a lot nicer to sit there, now. mom would have liked it. there is a huge part of me who still can't believe she's not here. i want to forget that she ever got sick. i wish i could talk to her, learn from her. i didn't ever finish growing up, becoming a fully developed human, i needed more guidance, more help, more support. i feel half formed and unsupported and so afraid.

i just wish i had some help. i have my brother and step-family, but none of them are actively doing anything in memoriam, that is all up to me. all by myself. i have all the photos, i have all the bins of her trinkets and clothing, she has no sisters or other offspring, no spouse or close friends to help in any meaningful way. it's awful. it's so lonely, here. no one should ever feel this way. being the sole survivor of someone who once had such a rich, vibrant, meaningful life. i feel like i am failing her, failing to honor her, every minute of every day.

i was so focused for so much of my life on trying to understand and recover from everything that went wrong, but not appreciating and taking full advantage of what was good and valuing what went right. how much i was supported, how much i was given, how hard my family tried to give me what i needed, even if they missed the mark, frequently.

things happened to me that should never happen to anyone. but i also had such wonderful gifts. it's such a crazy-making dynamic, i just always feel awful. selfish and ungrateful, egotistical and snobbish, fragile and fearful, it's a rough mix.

it's no wonder sometimes i just drown it all in alcohol.

i frantically baked cookies before having my friends over last night, because i honestly don't believe people would want to hang out with me without fresh baked cookies involved. i still don't really trust that people will be there for me, or stay by my side when i act a fool. which is seemingly a constant way that i act, lately.

some days just hurt too much.

maybe tomorrow will involve less pain.