serafaery

could not stand being stuck in the apartment anymore and got on my bike - it was totally fine? so weird because driving causes severe dizziness and nausea and eye pain, even being a passenger in a car causes this? but the bike feels great? If anything my eye feels better now? even though it's very intense warm sunshine today? Whatever I'll take it.

ate a pan of veggies and some sardines to try to get my omega 3 fatty acids - i just can't force myself to take my supplements right now - but now i'm nauseated again fron too much oil i think, not sure what to do about it.

just kinda want to lie down and give up.

i rode up to my childhood park and hung out on mom's memorial bench for a while.

went to a thrift store and bought a few items that might become crafty projects hopefully.

somehow managed not to get ice cream on the way back.

sometimes all of the hardship and losses come crashing down on me all at once and i feel like i can't move. my grandparents both had such sad deaths (i never met my father's parents, i was told they were both dead before i was born) that i didn't know how to process as an adolescent. watching my parents die in my 20s and 30s penniless and destitute with cancer and dementia was unbearable. trying to take care of them when i could barely take care of myself. my step-dad crashing in my basement after abandoning my mom. it's all too much to think about sometimes.

nobody my age that i know can relate, except maybe cynthia, but even cynthia still has her mom, even though she knows she is gearing up to become her caretaker in the next ten or so years.

i feel so aliened from and afraid of Josh's family, my in-laws terrify me. josh's niece and nephew had luxury cars purchased for them at age 16, sydney even got a second one after totaling the first. meanwhile i have never had a manicure and still don't get my hair cut or buy new clothing, limp along with an old used car, cringe at the thought of spending forty dollars on makeup once every two years. josh's parents lament that the grandkids don't thank them for paying their way through college or even for gifts. it's gag-inducing to witness. they entertain themselves with trips to europe or hawaii and then complain about them. i don't even know how to be present for that. they are not bad people but they are fully asleep.

at least they're not a bunch of addicts like my family.

my step-brothers and step-sister-in-law (if that's a thing) at least are hard working and kind and loving. their kids are sweet. i am so grateful for them. but still struggle to relate.

i miss my skating coach who died of cancer, i miss my friend who died of cancer, i miss feeling like i had a home, i miss my cat.

it's nice that my habit of drinking when these feelings come up is no longer there. i don't feel any cravings at the moment, actually. just deep sadness and loneliness.

josh got so anxious when i got hurt. he started whining and scrinching his eyes shut in distress and told me to go to the doctor (which I already said I was going to do). he's so useless in any health emergency. it makes me feel profoundly on my own, even while married. i am so tired of taking care of everyone around me even when i am the one in the most physical distress. it's exhausting.

it's hard to fight feelings of flight, times like this. even ten years into this relationship i can feel very trapped and cagey and like i want out. i know i won't feel this way when things stabilize. i will get through it. i know he means well and he works hard to take care of me in other ways. just not every way. which nobody can be expected to do. that's what friends are for. and chosen family.

part of me wants to propose to cynthia. haha.