(no subject)

[serafaery]

was having a confusing talk with Josh today about how it is that i escaped so much of the toxic behaviors of my family members. (not all lol - but my behavior is vastly different from theirs.)

i have wondered this a lot myself, and moreso frequently, as their behavior has been especially ugly and unhealthy recently.

raised in chaos, some embrace it as their only way of existing, and others, like me, reject it entirely.

saw this randomly while scrolling, today:



this is so true for me.

my brother would die of boredom, he admits, he "thrives on drama."

(insert puke emoji.)

there is something about the gifts that my parents were able to give, even in their crippled addictive states, that my brother didn't get. i came along much later, they were more mature and more generous with me. mom was 22 when she had my brother, and 33 when she had me. dad was 21/32. huge difference. they were different people. still very unhealthy, but they had more resilience, i think, in their 30s.

but some of it might just be innate qualities. my personality type is atypical. most girls, when they suffer the kind of prepubescent sexual abuse I experienced, become hypersexualized, and act out wildly. i turned inward and quiet, burying myself in baggy flannel mens shirts and oversized jeans, unkempt hair and no makeup, living in fantasy worlds of my own imagination and contemplating the tiny lives of bugs on blades of grass. i was teased for constantly "looking at [my] toes" as a child/adolescent/teen.

but i found countless four leafed clovers.

i found magic.

i became a faery.

unfurled my wings slowly, in my own time, in other ways.

hid from the world, until i was ready to reach out, tentatively, cautiously, politely.

never wanting to hurt anyone or anything.

whereas, my brother saw gentleness as weakness, he saw that "good guys finish last" and decided being "an asshole" was the only way to succeed. and he turned so much of that hatred and resentment inward, it seems, when he found AA and learned to "be of service."

not really sure how or why. how does one figure out the answer to such a question?

I am just endlessly grateful that i had the tools or skills or strength to learn how to break those cycles, to choose another path. People who stepped into my life and dramatically shifted my course, for the better.

Angels. In human form.

They still come to me, new ones find me still, old ones stick by my side. I am so blessed and humbled by their presence and their kindness, it's overwhelming and I never feel like I can thank them properly for all the wisdom and gifts they bestow on me.

I have had more struggles than one could reasonably expect to survive, let alone flourish, but also a vast amount of blessings, and I do everything I can to celebrate and honor the blessings and not take them for granted. My gratitude practice helps so much. To not get buried or held down or held back too much by the bad things. But to still honor my pain and difficulties. My behavior is not entirely healthy. But it's so much better than it was, and I am working hard to improve all of the time, and I think I have the resources to continue to get better. All I can do is keep trying.

Comments

[cu_sidhe]

how it is that i escaped so much of the toxic behaviors of my family members. (not all lol - but my behavior is vastly different from theirs.)

I've sometimes wondered the same about myself. I know that my family frequently accused me of being stubborn and argumentative. While such assertions can be chalked up mostly to gaslighting, I don't doubt that there is a little something to it.

It's what made me stubbornly assert that the shit they did to me was wrong, and that there wasn't justification.

I mean, yeah - I still had a lot of behaviors from that abuse that I needed a lot of time to heal, but I made the conscious decision that it stops with me. If I start getting nostalgic to where I start feeling like maybe I didn't have it so bad, I have a number of entries to look back on in my journal, along with the psych evaluations from my parents' divorce.

With that, I've always been a bit of a black sheep in my family, never felt entirely welcome even as a kid. It was a bad childhood... but at least I won't be perpetuating the cycle.

[serafaery]

My husband's question actually brought you to mind, too. How is it that some people are raised in this sort of ugliness but come out of it fighting for better, while others adopt the same behaviors and perpetuate the harm because it's all they know. I like your idea that you're stubborn by nature - I think there might be an inherent quality to you and I that our family's saw right away as a threat - a kind of sense they had that this one isn't going to capitulate. And it drives them crazy and makes them treat us even worse. What I'm digging for is that core that you and I seem to have, deep down, that says, this is wrong and I'm not going to accept abuse as right. As a child, we couldn't escape the abuse, but deep down I think we always knew it wasn't right. Whereas my brother thought he was supposed to be treated like that, because inside he believed he was a bad person and deserved it. Where did we get that solid core, that we are deserving of better? That's the question I'm not sure how to answer - sounds like you've thought about it, too. Were we just born with a stronger sense of self? Did we get some messaging somewhere along the line, even in the midst of the insanity, that we are worthy of fairness and kindness? Did someone step in from outside, maybe at such a young age that we don't remember it, to make sure we knew we deserved better? My mom's parents were emotionally abusive to her, too, and she told me that as a kid, adults would sometimes pull her aside and say that they were worried about how she was being treated. But somehow mom never lost that deep core belief that she wasn't good enough to deserve better. Why are we different? Maybe it doesn't matter why. But my husband thinks it's an important question. Hmm.

[cu_sidhe]

I wonder if part of it may also be being on the autism spectrum. I don't remember whether you've mentioned you're on the spectrum. For my part, I don't have a diagnosis, and don't see much point in getting one (thus having it on record...), but I'm reasonably sure that I am on the spectrum. With this, perhaps we are able to more vividly imagine how things should be rather than accepting that misery is the way of things. We're able to better hold onto our imaginary world when the real world sucks, in a manner of speaking. For my part, I also notice that I remember things vividly and in great detail that most other people seem to forget. There's a surprising number of people that I knew in high school, who also had rough childhoods, but remember almost nothing from their childhoods. I have heard that a lot of people's brains tend to block out traumatic experiences, supposedly as a defense mechanism. Even between myself and my brother... he remembers some things, but I seem to remember a lot more, and in more detail.

But, on that same note about being on the autism spectrum, there are a number of people on the spectrum that really latch on to the negative behaviors that they were raised with.

So... all in all, I would say that introspection is important... very important. A good imagination to imagine things pretty far apart from what you know, and to imagine that it can be real. And to be "stubborn" enough to not give in to those who keep telling you to accept their version of reality.

I think also having some good stories to hang on to really helps. Looking back, I really didn't have a healthy or positive idea of what love actually was until I read the graphic novel of the Crow by James O'Barr. I got that book at some point during middle school, and I couldn't put it down that first evening I had it. I don't know if you've read the graphic novel, but it is so much better than the movie, and it focuses a lot more on the love between Eric and Shelly, where the movie was more interested in being edgy and full of action.

But, after I read through it and set it down, that kind of made things click in my head. That was what actual love was, what it was supposed to feel like. And I really wanted it.

[nullexception]

While I cannot deny I'm always up for hearing the hot goss... I'm okay w/o hearing it or having any of it surrounding me. I do think there's room for someone being so accustomed to social settings that its the only way they feel comfortable.

At this point in my life I try to be supportive of every ones decisions if they aren't harming others.

On an episode of queer eye one of the guests said his mother told him success is measured by how you make those around you feel. While I realize we can't pay the bills with how we make people feel... i really do like that qoute. I'm not going to try to make every one happy at my own expensive BUT it does feel good to make others feel good.

Congrats on making positive strides!