serafaery

Haven't talked about the kitties I've been cat-sitting too much. It's so funny, Natasha said she was going to stay with us, and every day she says, "see you tonight," and she never shows up. It's still just us and the cats. Which is fine, it's just funny.

I just fed them, gave them fresh water, pulled all of their balls out of all the corners they had rolled into, cleaned their litter box, turned on the water in the bathtub so that they could lick the drips, watched them all use the clean litter box, and scooped it again. Now they are following me around with their tails up, the kitten came and purred on my lap and then tried to get onto the keyboard, it's way cute. They are very smart and understand that I am their caretaker, here. They like Josh too but they know that I am the one who cleans their bathroom and gives them food. I swept the floors yesterday and they all followed me around attentively. It makes such a difference to small animals to have clean floors. We don't notice quite as much but they are all down in it all of the time.

Yesterday was kind of frustrating. I thought Natasha was coming (I have thought this every night because it was what she told me) and woke up to a bathroom sink full of shaving hairs from Josh, and the kitchen floor completely destroyed from a day of both of us cooking for Christmas parties. So I had to tackle the floors and the sink, and at the same time took care of some narly fingerprints on some doorframes and cabinets. Josh just stood around the entire time, annoyed that we weren't out running. (We did eventually go for a run, after I was done with housework.) Why men can't lift a finger in this regard, I will never really understand. He just doesn't care.

I didn't sweep his room, this time, at least.

Christmas kind of wore me out. I still want to make more cookies and do some cookie deliveries, I want pumpkin oat cookies and vegan gf gingerbread, regular gingerbread with extra ginger, and some buttery shortbread or ginger shortbread. Need some frosting for the gingerbread cookies also, this time. I ruined my second batch of gingerbread and they are super crunchy like a biscotti. They don't taste bad but it's more like eating crackers rather than cookies, I'm not sure what to do with them. Josh says dunk them in coffee but I am done eating cookies, and they're not giftable. I will just have to make more and remember not to rush cookie baking for a gathering, in the future.

Dinner at Mason's house was nice, very different and alien and very strange, I definitely am glad I tried something new but feel nauseated about it, also. The food was good, it was just too weird for me. His friends were hardcore stoners and I could not handle the stoner banter from the girl who had a thick accent from Connecticut and would not stop talking like, super loud even though there were only five of us. I don't think she was actively smoking while we were there, but the smell was emanating from her clothes and hair. I wish I didn't find that so repulsive, I guess it's just a lot of bad experiences with stoners that has caused that. I've had bad experiences with drunks, too, but because I grew up with alcoholics I at least find it familiar, and there is something comfortable about it, for me, as long as they don't get carried away. Maybe it's just the carried-away aspect that I don't like, someone being totally blitzed, in contrast to her partner who was also stoned but just very chill and mellow and quiet and easy to talk to. He was from Florida but didn't have an accent. I don't love being with only people from other places, either. Growing up in a transplant city can be kind of hard sometimes. The first question out of everyone's mouths is, "Where are you from?" the assumption being that nobody is actually from Portland. It's so obnoxious, I will never not hate it.

Had a rough christmas but lots about it was good, too. I am just sad about the family stuff. But glad I stayed away. I feel so useless and like a total failure when it comes to what I was trying to do to integrate myself into the step-family, after mom died. I don't know why I ever tried. I am not one of them and I will never be. I need to just let them be.

Derek spent Christmas in the hospital and he won't reply to my messages. I wish I'd made more of an effort to get closer to him sooner, so that he would feel comfortable letting me.