serafaery

had a lot of really terrible nightmares last night. this is typical for me, especially when i'm sick, and my temperature is slightly elevated so i know that's part of it.

i think some of it came from my worries about my chronic stress levels and how to handle it going forward.

stressing about stress, very typical, ha.

it's just scary. like, my life is so lovely, i've designed it so that it doesn't hurt me anymore, and i'm still chronically stressed? what more do i have to do? daily meditation feels too hard. daily NSDR (non-sleep deep rest) feels too hard. i can do affirmations, and i do that all the time, but, it seems like they're not sticking?

i've been struggling with some deep trauma, and really profound difficulties with self-acceptance. it's scary for me.

listened to a talk about self-forgiveness, this morning. not even sure what that would mean or look like.

struggling with image and comparison.

i had the worst thing happen this morning, and it's just sent me a bit spiraling.

i was so happy about sending out that marketing email for my website yesterday. i've already gotten a handful of orders and some good questions, i so enjoy the back and forth and the teaching aspect of my work. helping other people do what i do. it's a really good feeling. i've given people entire careers that they live off of - if they're willing to work for it, they make more money at it than i do, and more power to them, i am so happy to help and uplift and benefit other people. it is no detraction to what i do, it only makes me feel better about my own work, and happier, to know that others benefit and that it can be life-changing for them. it's their journey and their work and i don't ever take credit for that, but i'm so happy to be an inspirational and instructional part of it. it gives me a good feeling about being here, yanno.

but one of my favorite customers, a magical lady that i've had so many magnificent interactions with, beautiful conversations and heart-warming and uplifting exchanges, canceled her appointment after i sent out my email (which went to all customers, since i have no way of sorting who comes to me just for services and who buys online - she is someone who gets hair sparkles tied into her hair by me but does not buy anything from my website), and sent a one-word reply to the marketing email (this is the second email I've sent to customers in bulk since I started my website in 2018, so it's not like I'm spamming people, these are actual updates that regular online customers appreciate knowing about), that just said, "prostitute."

This is SO unlike her, and so sad and confusing for me. I am so worried about her because she has a really severe heart condition (she has one of those defib implant things) and I worry that something is going wrong with her health to make her react this way to something relatively innocent as a marketing email about new products being offered on a website.

But it also makes me think, well, maybe I can't judge the character of someone just from the interactions we have in my studio. maybe just as I am in work-mode, she is in customer-mode, when we are together, and not really showing me her true self?

It just makes me pause.

It's just so sad because this is the person who got me started on my $2 bill tipping habit, which has brought me so much joy, even though it's a bit pricy. And it's triggering for me because being insulted for trying to drum up business makes me wonder if I should have a website at all. It generated about ten grand of income for me (gross) in 2023 and it's worthwhile to keep going, but it is work and sometimes i wonder if i should just leave the retail side of fairy hair to other people. but it's really the only way to support offering all the free online tutorials that I provide to the public, for all the folks that can't get to me in person because they are in other parts of the country or world.

sigh.

anyway.

I hope she is okay, and I am sad to lose her as a friend, and I hope maybe it's just a glitch and not forever, but if it is that's okay, I wish her the best, I'm just, kinda spun out about it and wish I didn't feel so bad.

I am still sick which I think just makes everything feel more doomygloomy than normal. i missed Derek DJing in the dungeon last night, Timo was there so I missed seeing him, too, I am sad about it.

Maybe a shower and a second cup of coffee might bring some comfort.

Avalanche has been so sweet and funny all morning.

It's so so bone-chilling cold outside, and no amount of running the heat today has kept my fingertips from tingling.

A warm shower might be just the thing.