pretty lights
Jan. 6th, 2025 09:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryWas just driving home a circuitous route after buying cat food for avalanche and medicine for me, to catch a few xmas lights displays on homes nearby that i missed this year. so pretty. i am jealous of the wealth on display being such grand houses, when i can't afford even a humble little house, but grateful for the prettiness of the light show they work hard to produce for their neighbors.
i know jealousy and ruminating on past horrors is not a good look. i will get over it. illness does this to me. my body is in pain, it makes my brain go back to hardcore survival mode and all my deep childhood trauma-wiring engages and takes over the wheel. it's frustrating. but it only happens this badly when i am in a lot of distress. it will resolve when i'm off antibiotics and my health improves.
took a nice bike ride in the chilled winter sunshine today. took a half hour walk afterward to finish the sunset with the crows. the walking was painful, but the bike ride was pleasant. i don't know why i always end up at mom's memorial bench. to remind myself of how alone i am? i mean really. why.
i guess i miss her. i miss the good things. i miss the moments when i felt cared for, i miss lots of things about her that will never exist again. despite all her struggles and difficulties and mental illness and substance abuse. she was also endlessly delightful, in so many ways.
Yaaaaaaaay cookies are done. oops they all melted together in the oven. not enough flour maybe. last time the opposite problem happened, they all stayed too lumpy. ha. s'what i get for not really measuring.
i know jealousy and ruminating on past horrors is not a good look. i will get over it. illness does this to me. my body is in pain, it makes my brain go back to hardcore survival mode and all my deep childhood trauma-wiring engages and takes over the wheel. it's frustrating. but it only happens this badly when i am in a lot of distress. it will resolve when i'm off antibiotics and my health improves.
took a nice bike ride in the chilled winter sunshine today. took a half hour walk afterward to finish the sunset with the crows. the walking was painful, but the bike ride was pleasant. i don't know why i always end up at mom's memorial bench. to remind myself of how alone i am? i mean really. why.
i guess i miss her. i miss the good things. i miss the moments when i felt cared for, i miss lots of things about her that will never exist again. despite all her struggles and difficulties and mental illness and substance abuse. she was also endlessly delightful, in so many ways.
Yaaaaaaaay cookies are done. oops they all melted together in the oven. not enough flour maybe. last time the opposite problem happened, they all stayed too lumpy. ha. s'what i get for not really measuring.
