it's full of stars.
Jan. 21st, 2026 08:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryran out of steam, but accomplished some things. I would love to bake a pie and dye my hair but I think I will curl up and attempt another grief meditation.
I mailed my order and address updates, paid bills, donated my precious knee length down coat from my years in Boston, that kept me safe and warm when my dad died, kept me safe and warm after 9/11 (I was in Boston the day the towers fell and since the planes came from Logan airport, there was an especially dark cloud over the city and a deafening quiet in the sky for weeks, as air traffic was entirely halted), kept me safe and warm when I got my hip reconstructed, when I lost my first lover, who had my entire heart and soul. I still miss him. We were together for 6.5 years. He was 7 years my junior. It didn't matter. We were amazing together. I hope he is happy and well, wherever he is. He came back from deployment with damaged hearing and some spiritual wounds that I doubt will heal, but I hope someone out there is loving the utter hell out of him, he deserves it.
He is the reason I have made this much progress trying to become a better person. He taught me how to be better, how to love, how to function without inflicting pain on those who tried to love me. He brought me everything good in my life. Indirectly, through a mutual friend, he brought me Josh and Tyler. It doesn't matter that I put him on a pedestal, I will never see him again. So he will stay there all shiny and perfect and untouchable.
If I do ever see him, I will not let him leave without a kiss.
He would be... 43? What a hottie, I bet.
I walked under the sliver moon for too long and got too chilled and can't get warm.
Checked out some gift shops, bought Josh some single source award winning chocolate, bought myself some colorful pens for calendaring and washi tape with bunnies on it.
The gift shop won't work for sparkling, alas. But Symposium still may. We shall see.
Or maybe I can rent space somewhere else. I will keep my eyes open.
Back to work tomorrow, and then Shadowplay.
Maybe I can dye my hair in the morning. Or not.
I am tired but happy.
I also donated my electric blanket, a gift from Preston's mom, a different ex. Preston was marriage material too, like John, but, Josh is a better fit for me. Preston was wonderful and fun and exactly what I needed at the time, but, he had a temper. I am too delicate for being berated and treated as if I am stupid when I make mistakes.
I still want to smash my entire body against his every time I see him (I haven't seen him in years, but still). This will never go away.
I am so in love with everyone and everything right now. Is this what it feels like to not be depressed? The laughing ducks. The quiet shadowy nutria swimming in the chilled creek in the darkening dusk. The bare tree branches against the twilit sky. The cheerful pub lights in the distance. Afternoon coffee. My sweet silly cat. Little space heaters to take the chill off. Salty crunchy snacks. It's all just so perfect and miraculous.
It was really, really hard letting go of those items that kept me warm and safe during really hard times. But Josh keeps me warm and safe, now. I keep myself warm and safe. My friends keep me warm and safe. I will be okay without them.
I kept the floor length wool coat, and the down comforter, for now. I eventually should be able to release them, too, but, let's give it a little while longer. I can't go too fast and hard too soon on this new chapter of releasing emotionally hoarded items. It has to be slow and gentle and steady. Baby steps. The only way I've ever successfully improved as a human.
I mailed my order and address updates, paid bills, donated my precious knee length down coat from my years in Boston, that kept me safe and warm when my dad died, kept me safe and warm after 9/11 (I was in Boston the day the towers fell and since the planes came from Logan airport, there was an especially dark cloud over the city and a deafening quiet in the sky for weeks, as air traffic was entirely halted), kept me safe and warm when I got my hip reconstructed, when I lost my first lover, who had my entire heart and soul. I still miss him. We were together for 6.5 years. He was 7 years my junior. It didn't matter. We were amazing together. I hope he is happy and well, wherever he is. He came back from deployment with damaged hearing and some spiritual wounds that I doubt will heal, but I hope someone out there is loving the utter hell out of him, he deserves it.
He is the reason I have made this much progress trying to become a better person. He taught me how to be better, how to love, how to function without inflicting pain on those who tried to love me. He brought me everything good in my life. Indirectly, through a mutual friend, he brought me Josh and Tyler. It doesn't matter that I put him on a pedestal, I will never see him again. So he will stay there all shiny and perfect and untouchable.
If I do ever see him, I will not let him leave without a kiss.
He would be... 43? What a hottie, I bet.
I walked under the sliver moon for too long and got too chilled and can't get warm.
Checked out some gift shops, bought Josh some single source award winning chocolate, bought myself some colorful pens for calendaring and washi tape with bunnies on it.
The gift shop won't work for sparkling, alas. But Symposium still may. We shall see.
Or maybe I can rent space somewhere else. I will keep my eyes open.
Back to work tomorrow, and then Shadowplay.
Maybe I can dye my hair in the morning. Or not.
I am tired but happy.
I also donated my electric blanket, a gift from Preston's mom, a different ex. Preston was marriage material too, like John, but, Josh is a better fit for me. Preston was wonderful and fun and exactly what I needed at the time, but, he had a temper. I am too delicate for being berated and treated as if I am stupid when I make mistakes.
I still want to smash my entire body against his every time I see him (I haven't seen him in years, but still). This will never go away.
I am so in love with everyone and everything right now. Is this what it feels like to not be depressed? The laughing ducks. The quiet shadowy nutria swimming in the chilled creek in the darkening dusk. The bare tree branches against the twilit sky. The cheerful pub lights in the distance. Afternoon coffee. My sweet silly cat. Little space heaters to take the chill off. Salty crunchy snacks. It's all just so perfect and miraculous.
It was really, really hard letting go of those items that kept me warm and safe during really hard times. But Josh keeps me warm and safe, now. I keep myself warm and safe. My friends keep me warm and safe. I will be okay without them.
I kept the floor length wool coat, and the down comforter, for now. I eventually should be able to release them, too, but, let's give it a little while longer. I can't go too fast and hard too soon on this new chapter of releasing emotionally hoarded items. It has to be slow and gentle and steady. Baby steps. The only way I've ever successfully improved as a human.
