Nov. 25th, 2011

serafaery: (adrift)
When you get out of bed, not because you feel rested, but to avoid anymore nightmares.

Willow's corpse.

Violence.

Falling.

That horrible nightmare where I find out he was cheating on me the whole time.

Only that one doesn't go away when I wake up.

...

Was hanging out with Pher last night, suddenly frightened by the fact that circumstances may have actually broken me. When fragile people have horrible things happen to them, they break. When good people have horrible things happen to them, not of their own accord or doing, they turn bad. Maybe I am bad now. Maybe I am broken, now. The way people look at them with vague, disconnected pity. It's only circumstantial, not their fault, what a shame. I don't recognize myself. I've done things I swore I'd never do, behaved in ways utterly contrary to my nature. I cling to my love for my deceased cat to a level that frightens people. (Though the love itself is pure, the way I talk about it is inappropriate.) I've been justified in my anger, but I don't know how to be an angry person. It just adds to the ruin. Makes me feel sick.

I don't know how to heal.

I have to keep proving to myself that my worst nightmare is true, over and over, so that I can be prepared for it, defend against it, be strong in the face of it, not let it take me off guard.

Not let it break me.

At least, not while anyone's looking.

...

But, Preston made coffee and Pher wants to get bloody marys later, there is coconut milk egg nog, sunshine pouring through the windows, a kitty who is almost over his cold. Last night was peaceful and perfect and I ate too much.

I'll be okay.
serafaery: (adrift)
He: I honestly cannot even imagine what you’ve experienced. It’s amazing you even get out of bed.

Me: Sometimes I can’t.

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