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Dec. 8th, 2011 12:43 pmTrying to imagine what it was like, how he must have truly felt about me, to be able to smile to my face after coming home from fucking around with another girl in another city. Letting me take him out on dates, letting me drive, letting me buy him coffee and drinks and dinner, all while some slut in San Francisco is gloating to her friends that she got him in bed. To sit back and allow me to expend so many of my resources on him; financial, emotional, physical... so much time and energy. While, whenever we go out for drinks, some slut in the bar smirks to herself that she got him in bed, recently, behind my back, and knows that his poor stupid clueless girlfriend doesn't know.
How do you let her give you everything she has, everything she is, how do you take that much from someone and give nothing back but lies and deceit and degradation. Knowing at every moment that if she had any idea who you really were, she would run screaming.
How do you kiss and caress one female, and then turn around and kiss and caress another the same day, knowing that she would vomit if she knew you had recently touched the other girl. Bold faced lying when she asks if you're still attached to anyone, if you have romantic desires for anyone, if you still long to kiss or text affectionately or sleep with anyone. Because those would all involve intolerable emotional infidelity and we cannot continue, if so. No, no, no, he lies. You never understood how you outshine everyone else, he lies. It is only you, he lies. I love you, he lies.
What kind of love is that. I mean, what do you feel when you look into someone's face and lie to them, and tell them you love them.
What is that. Why would you ever say it, if it wasn't true. Unless you're some sort of sex addict or something. Or you have no idea what love is, and say it because you know that's something people for whatever reason like to hear.
I don't know how to find my way back to who I thought I was, from here.
It hurts so much.
I didn't think someone I loved could treat me like that. What does it say, about me, that love for me is so meaningless, that I'm not found worthy of common decent human treatment, when someone has feelings for me. How can I ever trust anyone's love, ever again, after this, if I'm so easily treated like complete shit.
How do you let her give you everything she has, everything she is, how do you take that much from someone and give nothing back but lies and deceit and degradation. Knowing at every moment that if she had any idea who you really were, she would run screaming.
How do you kiss and caress one female, and then turn around and kiss and caress another the same day, knowing that she would vomit if she knew you had recently touched the other girl. Bold faced lying when she asks if you're still attached to anyone, if you have romantic desires for anyone, if you still long to kiss or text affectionately or sleep with anyone. Because those would all involve intolerable emotional infidelity and we cannot continue, if so. No, no, no, he lies. You never understood how you outshine everyone else, he lies. It is only you, he lies. I love you, he lies.
What kind of love is that. I mean, what do you feel when you look into someone's face and lie to them, and tell them you love them.
What is that. Why would you ever say it, if it wasn't true. Unless you're some sort of sex addict or something. Or you have no idea what love is, and say it because you know that's something people for whatever reason like to hear.
I don't know how to find my way back to who I thought I was, from here.
It hurts so much.
I didn't think someone I loved could treat me like that. What does it say, about me, that love for me is so meaningless, that I'm not found worthy of common decent human treatment, when someone has feelings for me. How can I ever trust anyone's love, ever again, after this, if I'm so easily treated like complete shit.
