Jan. 8th, 2021

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Had the most horrible dream last night. Horrible maybe because it was so painfully realistic. My friend Carolyn had come back to Portland (she moved away recently) to sort of half celebrate, half fund-raise for her pregnancy. I went to a bar (?) with her and a bunch of friends. It was sort of dark and dingy. But at some point, people started to partner dance, and I was suddenly really happy and excited. I looked over and Natasha was dancing with probably the best tango dancer in the room, who was also someone (fictional character btw, this person doesn't exist) I wasn't afraid to dance with because he was easy going and not the snooty type of tango dancer - he also danced alt tango and other dances. She looked impossibly cute in her long thick flowing ponytail and winter sweater and boots that were too high end for me to even know the name of.

I started to dance on my side of the room, with the flow of the dance steering me over to that side eventually, so I looked forward to dancing with him later. I was traded from partner to partner, mostly guys who could barely dance and grinned from ear to ear at the dance to dance with someone who knew how. I am used to this, I like this feeling, it's fun to share a dance with someone who is super excited about it, even if they know nothing about partnering or connection. I smiled and indulged man after man after man, eventually making my way to the end of the line, where I had foolishly hoped to be rewarded for my patience. As very often happens in real life partner dancing, by the time I got there, all of the "good" dancers had vanished, or lost interest, including Natasha, and the only person left for me was some backwards baseball cap bargoer who wasn't even in our group. He clutched my hands uncomfortably and swayed awkwardly while I explained that we were there celebrating because one of us was pregnant. Dancing ended, and I was left alone in the dingy, sad part of the bar, and suddenly realized that I had no idea where I had set my bag. I started to look for it, under chairs, under tables, it became my only focus. But it felt pretty thoroughly gone. I knew where I had been sitting and it wasn't there. Where else could it be. I didn't remember stashing it anywhere. A stranger saw my distress and started to look with me, some quiet, pitying male who did not speak, just silently trying to offer some help/comfort.

There are aspects of partner dancing I do not miss.
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Foodz today (I meant to restrict calories and utterly failed, maybe work days are not to be restricted? getting back in the working groove has been tricky but very rewarding, today felt really good):

* coffee w/ pumpkin spices and cream
* giant bowl of tofu and veggies in curry sauce
* half a dumpling squash
* half a sweet potato
* tiny orange
* like 3 tiny gf rosemary sugar cookies (I wanted 100 more)
* two pieces of chocolate (I wanted 100 more)
* almond milk latte 12oz
* large helping of almonds (forgot to get more at the store dang)
* giant bowl of seared veggies
* a couple ounces of smoked trout
* a helping of roasted purple potatoes and garlic

ugh so full. potatoes put me over the top. SO DELICIOUS I want like 100 more.

* chai with cream, currently being nursed

sigh.
*
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Also I would like to just remark on the absolute wonder it is that I can hop on my bike after work, bike up to my local coop, buy all kinds of beautiful foods including the most shiny jewel-like purple potatoes, bike home with them in my basket, unload, press a button on the oven to make it hot, chop the potatoes, drizzle olive oil that I bought in a bottle onto the potatoes, roast them for half an hour, and have the most glorious hot food to eat. that easily.

We had our hot water turned off for 3 hours this morning and the unpleasantness I felt washing dishes in ice water did not go unnoticed or unappreciated. Until very, very recently, this was the only way to wash anything. My hands ached. I wanted to stop. But probably, if there were never hot water again, I would get used to it. We have it so. fucking. great. It's ridiculous. I want to remember. I need to remember.
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Had such a good day at work. Managed to cook Joshter a glorious vegan curry lunch before I hopped on my bike. (Still housewife, for the majority of my pandemic life.) I wasn't late for once! I only sparkled 3 people, and in my hour break I texted a whole slew of people who have texted me over the past few months gently asking when I might be coming back to work, and am in the process of gathering emails to send the booking link to all of them. All 3 of my customers today were utterly delightful, magical, respectful of my safety setup, and so uplifting and supportive. I am such a lucky faery. floating on clouds of joy and gratitude, tonight.

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