kind caretakers.

I told my barista/owner of Bison coffeehouse that she had to start charging us for coffee again at some point. She started giving my brother and I free coffee and treats when she found out mom had died. We used to take mom to Bison every Sunday. She LOVED it, she would always want hot cocoa and banana bread. Loretta lost her dad two-ish years ago, and we gave her a big gift basket full of treats (smoked salmon and hard cheese, crackers, fig guava paste spread, stuff like that), so she wouldn't have to cook, and she said since we were there for her she wanted to take care of us. She said if people hadn't brought her food then, she wouldn't have eaten. I know the feeling.

We told her about mom's cremation today, and I explained, which I think is true, that now all of the really heavy darkness and sadness and loss and goodbyes are over, and we can begin to turn toward celebrating and remembering the good things. She still wouldn't accept our money but said she would, "after today." The sweetest. <3 <3 <3

stranger things.

It's so strange, my mom spent her last coherent years trying to make mine hell, she disowned me, refused to let me participate in family holidays, she spent so much energy trying to convince me that I was worthless, would never be able to support myself, would never amount to anything, would never have any friends or anyone who would love me, that I'd never have a supportive partner (because all men do is let women down).

But now that she's gone, all I feel is the loss of the kind of mother she was when I was little, so joyful and loving and encouraging and instructive. It makes me feel like all the bad stuff was just a bad dream, or her illness, something she couldn't control, her alcoholism and mental illness consuming her, but not really who she really was. sigh. it's not freeing exactly, but it's surprising, in a good way.

I am stress eating like WHOAH and vampire show binging and I am allowing myself this night of fucked uppedness, at least I'm not drinking, this is a win.

hashtag more chocolate?