(no subject)

should be making breakfast for the boy, the husband, but i just want to cry. it's cloudy and rainy outside which feels better. i'm worried about work. worried about so many things. woke in the middle of the night whimpering from anxiety spikes, cortisol spikes, and never fell back asleep. listened to street sweepers and the occasional early riser, racing past the apartment to the freeway. and the rain. birds testing the barely lightening air with song, way too early. caught sleeping in the office again. (the bedroom is josh's home office, i've been still in bed while he's started work almost every day this week.) seeing finley and beside myself with fear. what will i say to him. how do i hide this body from him. with its new unattractive unhealthy shape. do i even miss dancing anymore? too scary a thought, now.

i miss my mom the most in the mornings. i wish she were here. i wish i could have taken care of her. just set my entire stupid meaningless life aside and focused on finding her treatments and cooking for her all day, every day, taking her for walks, listening to music, watching movies. my brain conveniently forgets how much she hated me ten years ago. i miss the happy healthy good times so much. i don't know how to exist without her, a lot of the time, it feels like i'm just waiting for her to come back and set me straight as i fall further and further from my path. further and further from her.

my shoulder has not hurt this badly in years. it's shooting up into my skull. endless headaches.

binged on popcorn last night and i think it's time to do a grains fast. maybe permanently. i hate what grains do to my body. i'd rather eat meat at this point.

i'm not tired of crying. it's the only thing that feels real.

also the endless headache, full 2 days and counting.

pandemic fatigue is a real thing. there seems to be a permanent 3 day delay on anything important i want to accomplish. sigh. this stuff is important and i need to get moving. hopefully tomorrow i can apply for the 2nd draw small biz loan, return all of those forgotten texts, order my work supplies (including a dust pan for the studio), and get some delicates in the wash? how hard can it be? all i can do is hide on the couch and try not to self soothe with food.

also i biked three blocks away from a shooting yesterday, 21 shots fired, completely oblivious, probably within 15 minutes of it happening.